Can I just move out with DD?

[AhmenGwendolyn]

20 years together and we have mutually agreed it's done. We can't afford the mortgage and a rental, although it could be possible if I rented a flat (he would never live in a flat)

He is the main earner, my work relies on his support with our two DC’s care. (we have 2 DC, 16 yrs loves their dad and 13 yrs) I've found a lovely little place very near to my work, DC’s school and the marital home which I could afford.

I would never be able to afford our big house on my own and I don't want the reminders, a fresh start is appealing to me.

No one inc DC know we are separating yet, can I just leave with our youngest and rent for a while to find my head instead of him swanning off with no DC to a rental leaving me to do everything in the marital home?

Years ago my friends mum left taking the two younger kids and leaving him, the eldest with his dad. He told her it was fine. It wasn't.
Their relationship never recovered. He never forgave her for leaving him behind.
Please don't do this. It will be bad enough for the kids anyway.

@titchy

I'd talk to DD, she would understand, I hope .

She's 16. She'll say she understands. But she won't. She'll feel abandoned, rejected. You're trying to justify it as she'd prefer to stay with her dad because it's convenient for you. But it'll have long reaching consequences for both of them. Not good ones. Please rethink.

This, she won't understand. Your her parent, she needs to know you love her and want her there and not in the context of "I'd love you to come with me and dd2 but I can't afford that." Even if she would prefer to stay with her dad you need to actually give her a choice, not start by telling her why you can't take her. Actions speak louder than words. She will be harmed by being told you won't take her, however you phrase that and whatever excuse you use. Talk to them, tell them you're seperating and ask what they want to do. It might be 50/50 or it might be they want to live with you and visit dad or live with dad and visit you. They might both want to remain in the family home. Whatever is decided the DC need to mostly live together so their relationship doesn't suffer and dd1 needs to be offered a real option of living with you, whether that's you staying in the marital home or you and both DC in a one bed flat. She may well as you expect want to live with her Dad, but that needs to be her choice, not yours.

Also- consider the family dynamic: does she seem to love dad more because he's fun and less disciplinarian? Do you have to do most of the battles over clothes and dishes etc?

There are often different kinds of parental love, the easy, fun love of a parent who you share humour with and get on best with, and the emotional, usually less obvious, dependant love of a child and their unconditional carer.

My DD was always most like her dad, and they were great together, she loved him to bits and they chatted about all sorts, a proper daddy's girl. But as she got older we became much closer, especially after she went to uni, and connect really well on emotional stuff her dad doesn't really get.

Don’t be so pathetic. A 16 year old may appear to favour one parent but you know that they rely on BOTH of you for their emotional security. You’re going to have to work out a living arrangement that means you can live with both of your children. I get it, men walk away all the time and shirk their responsibilities and it’s abominable but the solution is not for you to be a rubbish parent too.
Even if you talk to your eldest and she appears to understand and accept it, it will be so harmful in the long run to both of your children.

Why would you not ask the children what they prefer?

It feels as though you are rejecting the eldest because you feel rejected by them, and feel your DH needs to take some responsibility.

Why not split custody with both of the children?

I think some posters are being unnecessarily harsh.

You deserve to make a fresh start. What about talking with your 16yo to see what she wants? Being empowered to make the decision could make the difference between your relationship with her strengthening or flailing.

One child each I think cancels out the maintenance
Plus he will get her child benefit
Child mental health problems could be huge

Sorry op also

What if he wants to move away and she goes with him
Because you have no room for either child ?
What if the younger one goes as well as won't leave sister?

You could end up paying him CMS

I'm sending there is soooooo much more to this story

Sorry- but this is utterly screwed up. You'll walk out into a one bedroom flat with one child, leaving the other one at home, to force your husband into staying in the area because he moved elsewhere 8 years ago? But your oldest can pop round........I genuinely don't think you've considered the impact on your eldest- and you e assumed without any conversation what she wants- to be abandoned by mum to make her father stay in the area- maybe. I'd really, really reconsider your thinking.

Lots of sympathy for the ops situation. I do think you need to ask both children. But for the posters saying I was that teenager left with my father, mum asked me and I said I wanted to stay and now I hate her- what the fuck was your mum supposed to do? Drag you to her new house by the hair? Or, you really mean mum should have stayed in a house she couldn’t afford making her dependent on my dad who was a shitty partner? Do you judge your dad that harshly?
Op, one thing- he’s walked out on both dc before, and you’re worried he will do it again. Please stop calling him a great dad. He’s a terrible dad and you know it.
I’d get the lease, tell the dc, ask them to come with me, and move. They’d have to share if they both wanted to come (I assume you can’t afford a bigger place, if you could I would get a bigger apartment).
You are still on the mortgage though so your financial problems are not solved.

Perfectly reasonable to move to a flat with beds for both of your kids. Quite different to only house one of them. You could do bunk beds, a trundle, etc. the new place doesn’t have to be the same as home, it just has to show your kids that they are equally important to you.

My mother did leave on no notice. It’s the safest way to leave abusive relationships, so please be careful about discouraging women from simply moving one day while their husband is at work or out with friends. Sometimes it’s necessary.

poor kids

I'd say leave on no notice if it's necessary for safety too, but if it is necessary for that reason, I wouldn't be leaving any of my DC behind.

@ForwardRanger

I think some posters are being unnecessarily harsh.

You deserve to make a fresh start. What about talking with your 16yo to see what she wants? Being empowered to make the decision could make the difference between your relationship with her strengthening or flailing.

^^ this.

You just haven't given enough information for anyone to offer a helpful response.

Is your husband abusive, so that you need to flee for your own safety? That's not what you've described but maybe there's lots you're not telling us.

What you have described is a desire to 'trap' him in the family home, so that he remains local, thus available to provide childcare, which you need so you can work.

Maybe there's also something about leaving him to take sole responsibility for mortgage, debts, admin, to make any decisions about selling the house and to do all the practical work associated with that.

What I do not understand is:

a) How leaving him with the 16yo forces him to offer childcare to the 13yo, at times convenient to you. (And where? Would she shuttle between homes?)

b) How leaving him with the 16yo prevents him from doing a flit. It doesn't. He could abandon the house, move elsewhere and shrug at your inconvenience.

Either he'd carry on paying the mortgage (which it sounds like he's solely or largely responsible for anyway), or sell, or the house would be repossessed. He could sell with minimal effort, from a distance. You'd still have to go in and rescue all the DCs' stuff and provide them both with somewhere to live, if he'd chosen not to do so.

The whole thing sounds a bit like a (very understandable) running away fantasy, combined with an angry, transactional attempt to manipulate him into doing what you want, by putting your needs and wishes ahead of the children's. Which would probably backfire anyway, if he's prone to selfishness, causing you further anger and inconvenience.

I'm so confused with lots to think about. It's all come to ahead quite suddenly after 20 years plus together.

I lost my job last year but found a new one although it is shift work mainly working nights meaning I wasn't home to do dinner etc which he seemed to resent. I don't think he likes me finding a job with relatively very little stress, very local and I also really enjoy it whilst he works very long hours with a long commute in a stressful job. He earns much more than I do. We don't claim any CB.

He isn't abusive. he does strop and gives me the silent treatment for days on end now which is a new thing, sleeping in a separate room now as well and we have started to argue which we never did before. We don't communicate well these days.

I wouldn't just leave and not ask DD. I guess it was a stupid idea, I think he will want to see his DC and I can't control his decision if he chooses to move away like last time. I suppose I could make it work this time now the DC are older.

I'm scared and very sad right now.

No , sadly, you can't control his decision. If he has been an arse before, he may well be an arse again. Bit see a solicitor, they can help you with his legal obligations to the children and you, at least.

And he is abusive by the way. Silent treatment is considered emotional abuse.

Can you afford the house if he leaves, although you can get maintenance it can take some time and if he quits his job and disappears can you manage on just your wage? Do you need to move to the flat to be able to cope financially if he disappears?

I do think I understand where you are coming from but I think you are going to have to plan for being completely on your own with the 2 children. Giving you the silent treatment is abusive

I dont get why ppl are being so harsh to you here op. I think it's a perfectly acceptable plan. It actually sounds really liberating. I say go for it.

The 16 year old can come and go as she pleases. As can the 13 year old tbf. Just as long as you have space for them both.

Some people are such drama queens making out you are abandoning your child lol.

It would even be acceptable to leave them both with their dad and have them both just visit you. If a man did that, no one would bat an eyelid.

Do whatever you need to do to find your happiness op. It is not healthy for those kids to see their dad treating their mum like shit. Silent treatment is abuse btw.

@candycane222

And he is abusive by the way. Silent treatment is considered emotional abuse.

The silent treatment is relatively a new thing over the past few months. He hasn't spoken to me for 3 days now. I tried when I got home early last night but it ended in another row.

I end up sitting in one room with him in the others. He isn't eating because I'm not making family dinners including him, why should I When he won't even offer me a cup of tea these days?

My working shifts have messed everything up but I couldn't just not work and took the first thing I was offered which in turn, I'm enjoying the change of pace and the work. I suppose I'm also enjoying being in the house whilst he is at work and out of the house before he gets home.

I can't do right for wrong in his eyes.

I don't think it would work either, OP. Even if your dd wants nothing better than to live with her dad, she won't want to be treated differently to her sibling. She'll still want to spend some time with you - and it would be weird for her to visit you in your home, where her sibling has a bedroom and is at home, while she's a guest. I also think that however loving you are, however much you tell her you want the best for her, and however much she agrees with it, she'll still perceive some kind of preferential treatment.

The kids are big enough to be cooking you all dinner - mine were at a younger age - it's not going to be the same as last time.

They could share the bedroom. Assuming they both have rooms of their own at their dads they can go back to if they need their own space here and there.

Oh the depravity, to only have 1 and a half bedrooms each. Pfffft.

@ravenmum

I don't think it would work either, OP. Even if your dd wants nothing better than to live with her dad, she won't want to be treated differently to her sibling. She'll still want to spend some time with you - and it would be weird for her to visit you in your home, where her sibling has a bedroom and is at home, while she's a guest. I also think that however loving you are, however much you tell her you want the best for her, and however much she agrees with it, she'll still perceive some kind of preferential treatment.

The kids are big enough to be cooking you all dinner - mine were at a younger age - it's not going to be the same as last time.

I'm not going to leave here and I won't be separating the DC, I'll be a single parent to them both. I've taken on board what peoples have advised and will follow that. I know nothing about divorce etc so I suppose the first thing is to start getting some paperwork together and if he wants to move out then so be it, I need to start putting me and the. DC first in my thoughts and not think about him.

Everything is joint with no equity or savings. I'm on just above minimum wage but I can do lots of overtime which is lucky. I couldn't afford this house on my own but I also don't have to rush anything, well I hope not?