Does anyone else always feel that they're on the B List where friends are concerned?

[BListOrMaybeEvenZList]

I've name changed for this in case anyone from RL recognises me in my regular posts.

Does anyone else ever feel like friends see you as a B List friend, and never one of their main friends? I am feeling more and more that people see me like this and it's really annoying and upsetting me.

To give a few examples; whenever any of my friends' other friends have a birthday, then my friends will share a photo of them and the birthday person on FB and gush over them and say what a fantastic friend they are. On my birthday I might get a one line 'Happy Birthday' message written on my wall; I certainly don't get any photos or gushing or anyone saying how lovely I am or anything like that!

Last weekend a friend invited me to hers for a (socially distanced, outdoors) coffee and catch up. After about half an hour I felt like she'd lost interest in our conversation and was trying to get rid of me. Cue on FB later that evening three other friends that I am also good friends with were round her house for a 'Girls Night' outdoors with a BBQ and alcohol and lots of fun. I don't understand why I was not invited to that.

I have also never been selected to be anyone's bridesmaid. Or asked to be a godparent to anyone's child. Or invited on a group holiday. I'm just invited to things to make up the numbers, I feel.

Also in the past whenever I've developed a close friendship with someone and classed them as a good/best friend, something has happened or has been said where they make it clear they have another friend that is their best mate or that they far prefer to me.

Anyone else feel that way? I'm in my forties and it's always been like this for me.

@Twoforthree, I'm exactly the same. I've never gone in for 'checking in' messages, I often don't reply to texts for days, and I see friends when and if I feel like it, or they express a particular desire to see me -- and I've never struggled with friendships, despite moving around internationally a lot.

We moved country in late 2019, and while I've not been able to find new friends in the usual way, I didn't have any particular expectations of the school gates, but in fact I've met some really interesting fellow-parents there, and at least a few I think I'll try to see socially when restrictions are eased here.

Interesting thread

I'm very lonely, lockdown has wrecked some friendships, and I hadn't even thought about A list or B list!

I'm not keen on big groups going out, those friendships don't suit me. I'd just really like someone to have a cup of tea with.

@Anonapuss

I echo brilliant betty. Being a main friend is a huge amount of bother and I don't want to be texted 24/7, expected to drop everything in a 'crisis' etc. I have my own life and love to meet up with a friend here and there 1 on 1, groups of friends i despise, the politics just dont interest me and its all too much hard work.

I have 3 friends, all seperate, that i talk and see regularly and thats about my limit. Any more, and its too much like hard work.

I am bridesmaid to 1 friend this year and frankly im dreading it, but doing it for her. Shes a 'many friends' person and the thought of socialising for the week long event with her many many friends is filling me with dread! I like my own space and quiet time too much.

I, like you, went through phases of being sad about my lack of friend group (i did have 1 friend group in my 20s but was ousted for not having enough money to spontaniously travel, when my hair was falling out in clumps due to money worries)... since then, i just stick to seperate mates i can meet up with and trust and they dont mind if there are a week or 2 between texts... its much less stressful being a background friend.
Oh, and get off facebook, it brings nothing positive to your life, im sure.

Yes to this

I have felt all that OP and it's surprising so many here echo the feeling.
I think basically It's just hard work maintaining the group and you really need to be super extrovert to be enjoying that kind of life.
Some people may just do all that not because they enjoy but because they want to belong
And the thrill of posting pics to the world lol
Some may genuinely have fun
I just can't take that much social interaction

And please ignore Facebook.

Being a main friend is a huge amount of bother and I don't want to be texted 24/7, expected to drop everything in a 'crisis' etc. I have my own life and love to meet up with a friend here and there 1 on 1, groups of friends i despise, the politics just dont interest me and its all too much hard work.

I think you're talking about something completely different to what I call friendship here. The closest I come to social media is Mn, I've never used FB, twitter or Instagram in my life. I might message a friend with something they would find interesting, an event, a job ad, a book review, something I saw in an online auction, but that might be once a week or far less. We are all too geographically scattered these days for 'dropping everything in a crisis' to be at all useful, and we tend to be the type to sort out our own messes whenever possible.

I've never found friendship to be any bother at all. I have people in my life because I like them. If they brought endless drama and group politics, I wouldn't. And I'm not particularly extrovert, I just value friendships.

I'm another z list person. I had my own thread a few weeks ago about this, it's so hard to feel like an outsider all your life.

I thought I'd found my tribe in the last few years, knew I wasn't in with the inner - inner circle as they'd known each other for 20+ years but was going ok, thought I was liked well enough. It's a sports club and there's a group of around 20 women who usually arrange to meet up for workouts, some weekends away etc in groups depending mainly on who is around. It seemed to work ok but I realised in lockdown that they couldn't give a stuff about me, no-one bothered to get in touch etc, etc.

And last week really upset me, I had a big 0 birthday in January, while in full lockdown. It was a bit rubbish really but I wasn't expecting much anyway, Jan birthdays are pretty shit in a normal year! I got some messages on FB which was fine and two of the group put cards through my door, one (who is lovely and I'd consider I'm closest to) did also do me a lovely gift bag with pamper stuff. I was pleased enough to fair, more than I had expected.

But last week a group message popped up on FB from one of the A listers, lovely friend has the same 0 birthday coming up in June, A-lister is asking the group to chip in a few £ each and get her vouchers, trying to arrange a get-together near her birthday if possible. Everyone gushing on the group about what a lovely idea and how they'd love to get her something. I actually feel like lovely friend does deserve this and so have chipped in but I'm hurt that obviously I'm not good enough or thought as highly of for anyone to set this up for me. It's not about the money at all, it is the thought/effort from the group.

I just feel lonely and sad that it's never going to change for me. Sorry OP, I've no advice for you but solidarity in the B-list friend world!

But isn't that normal enough, @Nove? I'm sorry you feel sad, but they've all known one another for donkey's years, you're comparatively new to the group, your birthday happened during a time when everyone had withdrawn from one another and no socialising was possible, and the other woman's birthday is going to be in a summer when (one hopes) an actual party can happen, so there's more obvious enthusiasm. I think you're comparing apples and oranges here. It's not a popularity contest!

I think in your shoes if I felt really sad about my birthday having been no fun, I'd invite people around for some form of celebration, and dub it a belated birthday party.

I don't categorise my friends like this at all. I am very sociable and like being with people. I am genuinely interested in them and spending time with them and I am proactive in organising things.

Some friends who I am really close to are introverted and avoid big social occasions. So we meet in smaller groups or 1 2 1.

Happy belated birthday @Nove

I don’t formally categorise friends as As or Bs, but the heirachy definitely exists.

I’m not even B list OP. I’m like W list.

I always find myself alone to a degree.

I would like a small group of like minded women but I honestly think I’m just not particularly likeable. I’m a good person; I am definitely not horrible or rude or racist or anything like that. I’m just not likeable I guess