Does anyone else always feel that they're on the B List where friends are concerned?

[BListOrMaybeEvenZList]

I've name changed for this in case anyone from RL recognises me in my regular posts.

Does anyone else ever feel like friends see you as a B List friend, and never one of their main friends? I am feeling more and more that people see me like this and it's really annoying and upsetting me.

To give a few examples; whenever any of my friends' other friends have a birthday, then my friends will share a photo of them and the birthday person on FB and gush over them and say what a fantastic friend they are. On my birthday I might get a one line 'Happy Birthday' message written on my wall; I certainly don't get any photos or gushing or anyone saying how lovely I am or anything like that!

Last weekend a friend invited me to hers for a (socially distanced, outdoors) coffee and catch up. After about half an hour I felt like she'd lost interest in our conversation and was trying to get rid of me. Cue on FB later that evening three other friends that I am also good friends with were round her house for a 'Girls Night' outdoors with a BBQ and alcohol and lots of fun. I don't understand why I was not invited to that.

I have also never been selected to be anyone's bridesmaid. Or asked to be a godparent to anyone's child. Or invited on a group holiday. I'm just invited to things to make up the numbers, I feel.

Also in the past whenever I've developed a close friendship with someone and classed them as a good/best friend, something has happened or has been said where they make it clear they have another friend that is their best mate or that they far prefer to me.

Anyone else feel that way? I'm in my forties and it's always been like this for me.

How much do you have in common with these friends OP?

I doubt it's anything to do with you. A lot of people are quite shallow and "fair weather" with their friendships so only want "feel good" friends. Id you're naturally empathetic and want a deeper level.of friendship they may not gel as much with you if they're quite surface level people. The key is finding your own tribe - they're other people like you out there feeling exactly the same way! Try groups like Meet Up to connect with mor people you have common interests with.

I genuinely don’t recognise this version of friendship, either the A List/B list thing (which is an incredibly depressing metaphor for friends groups) or the idea that being an “A list friend’ involves continual effort, being texted 24/7, arse-licking, politics, or compulsory socialising in case someone nicks your ‘place’.

I mean, it comes up on here often enough for it clearly not to be a figment of people’s imagination, but it makes me wonder what kind of friendships these are, how long-established, how old the individuals are — it also sounds very school-like...?

I personally think how about all the people on this thread (who would like more friends) could maybe make a friendship group between yourselves? You might meet some new best friends or groups. You never know? Couldn't hurt right?

I think it can be more nuanced than that. I'm guilty of being inconsistent with the photo collage birthday thing due to having a serious illness and a young child, so I've stopped doing them.

I would say though, stepping back from a group of friends who didn't put as much effort in with me as I did with them freed up my time to make nicer friends.

@Standrewsschool

It's the most godawful feeling, fearing that your children might be friendless (or at least short on friends) and lonely. My eldest had periods where he seemed to be a bit 'lost' and it broke my bloody heart. He seems to do pretty well now, but I still have my moments where I worry.

I think you should ask your friend why you were not invited it seems strange OP especially as you said you know the other friends too.

I wouldn’t ask, I’d perhaps mention that I’m up for any future evening get togethers but I wouldn’t directly ask.

You’re not alone OP, this is me too. Especially in my group of 3 friends, they always get together without me, it upsets me so much. What’s wrong with me? :(

OP when your friends have birthdays do you post pictures on your FB page and tell everyone how great they are?
Have you invited a group to a backyard BBQ and posted pictures on FB of the boozy fun?
Have you asked any one of them to be your bridesmaid?
Instead of looking at other peoples' FB pages and thinking "Why didn't they invite me?" do something for yourself.
FYI - It is possible to have a very satisfying social life without posting it on Facebook. Lots of people do.

I think I'm more of a Z lister . I have work colleagues that I am friends with on a superficial level, but I don't have any close friends that I would go out with. I've moved around a lot which hasn't helped, but I'm quite introverted and like my own company, so it doesn't bother me too much.

Someone up thread mentioned finding your tribe and I think there is something in this.

Friends by their very nature won't be going out of their way to make you feel bad. Maybe these people aren't your tribe. Or have a different view of the friendship? So thought you more coffee by the back rather than beer and bbq type friend?

Something I never understand is people who (in pre-covid times) do "separate socialising". Literally socialise with one person at a time but never bring people together - I feel like that's a great way to make connections and possibly more friends and well, be sociable.

Yes, what @GeorgiaGirl52 says

If you want more parties in your life, start by giving them.

If you want gushing FB posts, start doing gushing posts to your friends

If you want to be invited to girl weekends, be the person organising one

It really is that simple

I am more low key myself, but then so are my friends

OP

I've been like this all my life. It hurts.

I have too. I don't care now I'm 40 odd.

Totally... it’s horrible 😢

I see so many posts at the moment about (mostly) female friendships going wrong / lack of them etcetc. I include my self in this as I do have good friends but not a tribe and would dearly love one.

What can we do? Can we somehow turn this internet place into one of real connection? I don't know but there must be a way?

Being a main friend is a huge amount of bother and I don't want to be texted 24/7, expected to drop everything in a 'crisis' etC

I don’t recognise this description at all-I’m good friends to 4/5 lovely people and it is no bother at all because we are good friends and they are fab.

We text as much/little as works for us and whilst I would happily drop everything for them ‘in a crisis’-I can’t remember the last crisis in any friendship, so it’s not exactly a hardship and I would absolutely want to be there for them if they needed support.

Yes me!! A lot of what you've written is familiar. However, I'm very self-sufficient Ave independent and sometimes wonder if I give off prickly vibes that stop me being a "main" friend.
I used to be the "organiser" of every social activity. A few years ago I stepped back to see who would make the effort to see me. I must admit I was pleasantly surprised by a few people and do feel I have more genuine friends as a result.

@Angrymum22

I find A listers insecure and disingenuous. It’s hard work maintaining an A list position and involves much licking of arse. It must have been terrible for A listers over lockdown not knowing whether they have been shelved or not. Not so for us B listers who are always in the dark.

I have one or two genuine friends who I don’t have to see on a regular basis to keep up appearances or the friendship. We have texted on and off through lockdown and have all got others friends we see without causing jealousy.
It’s far more interesting having a selection of separate friends. It must be so boring always socialising with the same 2-3 friends. What the hell do you talk about?
It has been fascinating watching some of these social groups trying to maintain the others interest by posting photos on social media. I don’t need to be reminded of a true friendship on a daily basis. I just text a personal message or group chat or just pick up the phone.

This is so perfect.

I spent my twenties feeling very lonely and didn't have any female friends locally as we'd moved away from my hometown. I had people I worked with and liked, but no-one that was particularly bothered about me personally.

In my late twenties I made a couple of great friends in addition to the friend I've had since I was 9 who sadly lives on the other side of the country.

They are genuine and I can rely on them. We don't speak every day, but when we do it's easy. We can not see each other for literally months and within seconds of meeting up, it's like we were never apart.

We don't class each other as A or B. We all have 'other' friends. Photo collages and weekends away aren't important. What's important is finding those that you know would answer the phone at 2am when you need them, and do everything to help. When you find them, you've found who you can organise a weekend away with.

Also, groups of women going away together is overrated. Go away with one and you'll have a better time as there's less opinions.

@Redlocks28

Being a main friend is a huge amount of bother and I don't want to be texted 24/7, expected to drop everything in a 'crisis' etC

I don’t recognise this description at all-I’m good friends to 4/5 lovely people and it is no bother at all because we are good friends and they are fab.

We text as much/little as works for us and whilst I would happily drop everything for them ‘in a crisis’-I can’t remember the last crisis in any friendship, so it’s not exactly a hardship and I would absolutely want to be there for them if they needed support.

I don’t recognise it either. The kind of friendships being described on here often sound like someone saw a sitcom about friendship drama and assumed real life was like that.

@Angrymum22

I find A listers insecure and disingenuous. It’s hard work maintaining an A list position and involves much licking of arse. It must have been terrible for A listers over lockdown not knowing whether they have been shelved or not. Not so for us B listers who are always in the dark.

I have one or two genuine friends who I don’t have to see on a regular basis to keep up appearances or the friendship. We have texted on and off through lockdown and have all got others friends we see without causing jealousy.
It’s far more interesting having a selection of separate friends. It must be so boring always socialising with the same 2-3 friends. What the hell do you talk about?
It has been fascinating watching some of these social groups trying to maintain the others interest by posting photos on social media. I don’t need to be reminded of a true friendship on a daily basis. I just text a personal message or group chat or just pick up the phone.

I feel sad for you that you’re jealous of A listers. Are you really saying that popular people are disingenuous and arse lockers? There are lots of genuinely nice people who others are drawn to

Lickers

I also think Angrymum22 has it spot on. I have a demanding job, low bullshit tolerance....it has taken a long time (and a fair period of loneliness in younger years) but I would say I now have a couple of really good friends. But I am not really involved in wider group stuff.

Me too, my whole life.

I'm always on the periphery of friendship groups. People seem to like me and enjoy my company if I happen to be there, but equally they don't care if I'm not there. I'm kind of the meh friend.

I have tried in the past to develop friendships further and been kindly put back in my place.