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Original poster

Does anyone else always feel that they're on the B List where friends are concerned?

85 replies

BListOrMaybeEvenZList · 11/04/2021 18:55

I've name changed for this in case anyone from RL recognises me in my regular posts.

Does anyone else ever feel like friends see you as a B List friend, and never one of their main friends? I am feeling more and more that people see me like this and it's really annoying and upsetting me.

To give a few examples; whenever any of my friends' other friends have a birthday, then my friends will share a photo of them and the birthday person on FB and gush over them and say what a fantastic friend they are. On my birthday I might get a one line 'Happy Birthday' message written on my wall; I certainly don't get any photos or gushing or anyone saying how lovely I am or anything like that!

Last weekend a friend invited me to hers for a (socially distanced, outdoors) coffee and catch up. After about half an hour I felt like she'd lost interest in our conversation and was trying to get rid of me. Cue on FB later that evening three other friends that I am also good friends with were round her house for a 'Girls Night' outdoors with a BBQ and alcohol and lots of fun. I don't understand why I was not invited to that.

I have also never been selected to be anyone's bridesmaid. Or asked to be a godparent to anyone's child. Or invited on a group holiday. I'm just invited to things to make up the numbers, I feel.

Also in the past whenever I've developed a close friendship with someone and classed them as a good/best friend, something has happened or has been said where they make it clear they have another friend that is their best mate or that they far prefer to me.

Anyone else feel that way? I'm in my forties and it's always been like this for me.

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 11/04/2021 19:03

Op i feel your pain all my life I've felt this way not sure what to advise you but maybe try coming of fb for a while or you could be direct and ask where your invite was for the evening? its sounds like she invited you to be polite so you wouldn't be too upset when you seen the others there later but of course your going be upset and they don't sound like great friends tbh its hard when it keeps happening. I do get the hurt you feel.

Thereoncewasababy · 11/04/2021 19:05

I'm like this but I think I also keep people at arms length and give off a 'let's meet up for coffee sometimes' vibe because I don't want anything too intense. I prefer one to one instead of group meet ups but wouldn't want to rely on one really close friendship so I think the flip side of that is not being anyone's bff and I'm ok with that.

Kaleidoscopecascade · 11/04/2021 19:08

I know the feeling OP and I took a step back from everyone and now neither of us bother. Gotten use to being on my own over the last couple of years which is quite sad but least I'll never let myself down lol.

Original poster
BListOrMaybeEvenZList · 11/04/2021 19:29

Thank you for the replies! I am glad that I'm not alone in how I feel.

It's upsetting isn't it? I feel like taking a step back from friends for a while and seeing who, if anyone, makes any effort or bothers with me.

OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 11/04/2021 19:31

Yes I have been in this position. I decided to be the organiser of fun evenings, parties, invite people places, follow up & initiate contact. Basically make a huge amount of effort.
Post 'happy bday pic collages' for them.
And it worked, I sort of morphed in to being one of the main friends in a large-ish social group.

For a few years. But then lockdown etc and I have seen that I don't give a shit about any of that and I'm much happier being independent and a B list friend would suit me fine. I don't want to be a bridesmaid again or a god parent. Unless it's a very dear friend / friendship, it's all just for show. I'd rather only attend the occasional get together and just do my own thing.

Original poster
BListOrMaybeEvenZList · 11/04/2021 19:32

That's interesting to hear that you prefer it the other way round, BrilliantBetty.

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 11/04/2021 19:37

Yep, that’s me. And it hurts.

Only get invited to coffee if I do the running.

Noticed at work that people are sharing pictures of xyz and I’m not included.

I’ve realised that one of my best friends hasn’t initiated any contact during lockdown.

Sometimes I feel I have a lot of acquaintances, but few friends.

Unfortunately, I seemed to have passed this onto my dc, and I feel so guilty.

Anonapuss · 11/04/2021 19:46

I echo brilliant betty.
Being a main friend is a huge amount of bother and I don't want to be texted 24/7, expected to drop everything in a 'crisis' etc. I have my own life and love to meet up with a friend here and there 1 on 1, groups of friends i despise, the politics just dont interest me and its all too much hard work.

I have 3 friends, all seperate, that i talk and see regularly and thats about my limit. Any more, and its too much like hard work.

I am bridesmaid to 1 friend this year and frankly im dreading it, but doing it for her. Shes a 'many friends' person and the thought of socialising for the week long Sad event with her many many friends is filling me with dread! I like my own space and quiet time too much.

I, like you, went through phases of being sad about my lack of friend group (i did have 1 friend group in my 20s but was ousted for not having enough money to spontaniously travel, when my hair was falling out in clumps due to money worries)... since then, i just stick to seperate mates i can meet up with and trust and they dont mind if there are a week or 2 between texts... its much less stressful being a background friend.
Oh, and get off facebook, it brings nothing positive to your life, im sure.

theworks · 11/04/2021 19:47

Yes 100% have felt this most of my life. Been bridesmaid once but definitely have felt the hurt of seeing group gatherings with several people I'm close friends with that I have never been invited to. Even questioned it once and one of the organisers (who I would have classed as a best friend) said 'you're not really part of that group though' ummm no because you're blocking me from being in it! I am actually friends with all of them and they all attended my wedding!? Safe to say I am not as close to that particular friend anymore which is also sad.

In my experience falling off the radar and focusing on me... nobody noticed... agree with previous poster you could go the other way and put masses of effort in and try that but it sounds people pleasing and exhausting.

Cruddles · 11/04/2021 19:49

Yes mid 40s as well and feel the same. I've been well known for being the social event organiser, but have often felt that the invites have not been returned in kind. And as a male I've never been asked to be a best man, in fact I've often been asked to weddings but not the stag do.

I've come to terms with it and have accepted it for what it is, i do have one or two people i know i could count on if i was in need and that's good enough for me. But it's shown up a lot recently. I turned 40 four years ago. I had a party which i organised, a lot of people came and it went off as expected and everyone enjoyed themselves. For gifts i didn't get many, i didn't expect to and that's fine, three biggest one was ten friends chipped in £10 each and got me a voucher for something.

But in the last 18 months a lot of my friends are now turning 40. For them a good friend gets a WhatsApp group going for people to chip in money. People are getting £500 contributions and lots of thought has gone into the gifts. These are the same people who came to my 40th four years ago and gave pretty much eff all in comparison. And it's not the £ value i care about, it's the fact that effort is going into it for upcoming birthdays, and it doesn't feel like the same effort was done for me

Perdyboo · 11/04/2021 20:22

Totally get where you are coming from xxxx

stoopider · 11/04/2021 20:24

I understand this. I’m B list for everybody. However hard I try I can’t break into social groups or get asked on weekends away. I find it perplexing because I’ve made lots of effort over the years. I’ve done all the things that are advised. I’m always number 4, not quite included in the 3 some drinks or someone who asks people for coffee but doesn’t get a return invite but sees they’ve had a group over for coffee the very next day. I’ve given up. I can’t be bothered.

PippaRose · 11/04/2021 20:29

I feel the same, always felt on the edge of groups and I’ve never been the choice when it comes to the big things.
But as I’ve got older I’ve started to accept it and see the advantages

40metres · 11/04/2021 20:32

I'm a seasoned B lister. It definitely suits me better.

PoutineQueen · 11/04/2021 20:38

Yes, I have this with a few friends.

It doesn't bother me much tbh. I'm fairly independent, they're much closer and like to message and meet up a lot. I'm a bit less sociable.

It's fine, it's just the way it is. I don't need to be a best friend. I know they value me in their own ways. They still invite me out and to do things, I'm just not part of the core close 4 girls.

AnaViaSalamanca · 11/04/2021 20:41

I am a B lister as well but I prefer it that way as I have a diverse set of interests and a demanding job. In my 20s I was part of main friendship groups, but what usually happened was you had to spend most of your free time with the group to be in the “main” group, they want to know what else are you doing when you don’t hang out, who else you are meeting, who are your other friends etc. I didn’t like that.

In my 30s also I have seen that there is a lot of drama and massive falling out and one upmanship in groups that I am on the outskirts of, so I am not sorry to be a B lister.

I much prefer having one on one interactions

Angrymum22 · 11/04/2021 20:42

I find A listers insecure and disingenuous. It’s hard work maintaining an A list position and involves much licking of arse. It must have been terrible for A listers over lockdown not knowing whether they have been shelved or not. Not so for us B listers who are always in the dark.

I have one or two genuine friends who I don’t have to see on a regular basis to keep up appearances or the friendship. We have texted on and off through lockdown and have all got others friends we see without causing jealousy.
It’s far more interesting having a selection of separate friends. It must be so boring always socialising with the same 2-3 friends. What the hell do you talk about?
It has been fascinating watching some of these social groups trying to maintain the others interest by posting photos on social media. I don’t need to be reminded of a true friendship on a daily basis. I just text a personal message or group chat or just pick up the phone.

AnaViaSalamanca · 11/04/2021 20:47

It must be so boring always socialising with the same 2-3 friends. What the hell do you talk about?

They gossip about us B listers and our mysterious lives Grin

AdaFuckingShelby · 11/04/2021 20:54

I'm definitely a B lister..used to really hurt but now I've genuinely reframe it. I love my own company. I hate getting drunk and I find groups hard work. I wilt when in a room with big personalities. So daytime lunch & coffee is much more preferable to piss ups. Now I've got my head around all that I'm much happier.

rawlikesushi · 11/04/2021 20:55

Yes, me too. I've got a big birthday next month and I doubt that it will be marked in any way by anyone. If I don't organise it myself, it doesn't happen. I recently read that it's a red flag if you start dating someone and they don't introduce you to their friends, but I don't have any close enough to introduce to a new bf, just lots of acquaintances. I know it's my fault - I keep people at arms length and say no to things until people stop asking.

SwimBaby · 11/04/2021 20:59

I’m on my two best friends A lists but I was on the B list of a couple of other friends and I found the experience quite negative. So in lockdown I’ve got closer to my two best friends and my friendship with the other women seems to have mutually fizzled out.

TrojaninTroy · 11/04/2021 21:04

As a PP said, I don't mind being a 'B' lister, and much prefer 1:1 meetings with friends, even if it's not that often.

However some years ago, my more extrovert friend who lived in Brighton (I live in London) who I hadn't seen for quite some time appeared to go out of her way to let me just know just how 'B' list I was by ringing me up every few months to say that she couldn't see me because she was so busy. She went through the list of friends she had to see before she could find the time to meet up with me. One of them was a friend she needed to visit who lived in Malaysia. She hadn't seen her for two years more recently than she'd seen me and just had to see her first!

She never introduced me to others as her friend (although it seemed to me to be the best definition), but more as some random person she had met on holiday.

It seems to me that without us 'B' listers are essential in order for the 'A' list to exist!

Anon778833 · 11/04/2021 21:07

I’m definitely like this BUT I’m autistic, and it’s my choice in a way. It doesn’t really bother me. I am not able to cope with the demands of female friendships like being on the phone to them all the time or going out in groups. It drains me. So I’m more than happy to sit on the sidelines.

LavenderLollies · 11/04/2021 21:08

@Pessismistic

Op i feel your pain all my life I've felt this way not sure what to advise you but maybe try coming of fb for a while or you could be direct and ask where your invite was for the evening? its sounds like she invited you to be polite so you wouldn't be too upset when you seen the others there later but of course your going be upset and they don't sound like great friends tbh its hard when it keeps happening. I do get the hurt you feel.
Gosh, I wouldn’t do this unless you’re happy for the friendship to formally come to an end.
Anon778833 · 11/04/2021 21:09

@rawlikesushi

Yes, me too. I've got a big birthday next month and I doubt that it will be marked in any way by anyone. If I don't organise it myself, it doesn't happen. I recently read that it's a red flag if you start dating someone and they don't introduce you to their friends, but I don't have any close enough to introduce to a new bf, just lots of acquaintances. I know it's my fault - I keep people at arms length and say no to things until people stop asking.
But that doesn’t make you a bad person @rawlikesushi

Some of us just don’t quite have the same way of living as others.