Does anyone else always feel that they're on the B List where friends are concerned?

[BListOrMaybeEvenZList]

I've name changed for this in case anyone from RL recognises me in my regular posts.

Does anyone else ever feel like friends see you as a B List friend, and never one of their main friends? I am feeling more and more that people see me like this and it's really annoying and upsetting me.

To give a few examples; whenever any of my friends' other friends have a birthday, then my friends will share a photo of them and the birthday person on FB and gush over them and say what a fantastic friend they are. On my birthday I might get a one line 'Happy Birthday' message written on my wall; I certainly don't get any photos or gushing or anyone saying how lovely I am or anything like that!

Last weekend a friend invited me to hers for a (socially distanced, outdoors) coffee and catch up. After about half an hour I felt like she'd lost interest in our conversation and was trying to get rid of me. Cue on FB later that evening three other friends that I am also good friends with were round her house for a 'Girls Night' outdoors with a BBQ and alcohol and lots of fun. I don't understand why I was not invited to that.

I have also never been selected to be anyone's bridesmaid. Or asked to be a godparent to anyone's child. Or invited on a group holiday. I'm just invited to things to make up the numbers, I feel.

Also in the past whenever I've developed a close friendship with someone and classed them as a good/best friend, something has happened or has been said where they make it clear they have another friend that is their best mate or that they far prefer to me.

Anyone else feel that way? I'm in my forties and it's always been like this for me.

All my life. My friends blanked me on my 21st, moved in with boyfriend's and never heard of them again. Would slag me off in front of people. I am now older and have no desire to make friends with women. Which is sad as I love women and a real girls girl. My husband on the other hand also has mates that are shit but they remain friends from childhood as he doesn't care and let's stuff go. I now struggle with teaching my kids about friends. Do you get them to maintain their high expectations of manners and see them alone or tell them to not focus so much on their mates wrongdoings and get walked over. People are horrible. You either lower your expectations op or walk away. Both equally bad choices a lot of the time.

I’m honestly at how many people feel this way too. I’ve always felt like the Z list sibling and the B list friend, but then I also had very bad people pleasing tendencies. Over time I have worked through my personal issues and traumas and if there is anything I can recommend it’s be your own best friend. Put yourself at the centre and at the receiving end of all that effort and kindness you would put into those friendships and bonds you are wishing for. I have found that those who are closest to you will see the positive change and be happy for you. And suddenly all those people who never answered your calls or replied to your messages will be asking after you. Except I love my own company now and have no time for flaky communications and connections. And this is definitely something I am encouraging in my kids. Yes be kind and don’t be mean, but when it comes to friendships, be your own best friend first.

I’m a B lister too, you’re not alone! I’m glad we can share that this has been our experience. The world is definitely more geared towards extroverts and people who like to hang out in big groups. I tried to be more extroverted in my 20s and just found it exhausting. Now I kind of like being a more independent, lone wolf type person with various interests who’s happy to meet people from different walks of life. DH is exactly the same. I hate the politics that can come with groups, especially women. Too often I’ve seen people being talked about behind their back or I’ve been the one talked about for not quite ‘fitting in’. It’s like being back in school. Stuff em! A great thing about getting older is caring less about what people think but I know at the same time it does sting when you feel rejected or just a bit neglected. You’re not alone.

I know completely how you feel. I'm the same and always have been. Dont get it as I'm a good fun and loyal friend. Will help anybody out.

Decided about 2 years ago to stop being the one to always arrange things as It was upsetting seeing pictures all over social media of people I classed as friends always out together etc but nobody would ever invite me along. Met a few "school mums" and we got on great. I arranged a night out and everyone was excited for it. Picking outfits etc. Then one by one people dropped out so it didnt happen. A month or so later I see pictures of the same people out for dinner and drinks. I hadnt been invited.

I feel a bit better now that I no longer have any expectations from anybody. I'm not in uk so we have only spent 9 months (on and off) in full lockdown and only 1 person has messaged to check in with me, once. I messaged people at the very start and go a short reply so didnt bother again.

It does feel easier to just accept I have no friends. I have a great family and a fantastic DP so I socialise with them and colleagues. I work in a small office and we quite regularly end up in the pub after work every few weeks.

Still sad I havent got even 1 friend though.

Some of these posts are so sad to read.
I think lockdown has made me think about the B list thing. I have a meet up once a year school friend and during lockdown I’ve done most of the messaging. About 4 times she’s just left me hanging and not replied so I’ve decided to just leave it now. Same with a ‘mum’ friend, I’ve decided it’s actually very rude. How long does it take to type a short message or a add a love heart or something to a message to acknowledge they’ve read it. My school friend asked how I felt a few weeks after my DF died around Christmas time, I answered and I didn’t hear from her for about two months and I only heard because I instigated the conversation. I’m always interested in my friends’ lives and their DC etc so I’m not one of those people who only talks about themselves.
I feel better leaving all contact with the B listers.

@Quaverscrisps

All my life. My friends blanked me on my 21st, moved in with boyfriend's and never heard of them again. Would slag me off in front of people. I am now older and have no desire to make friends with women. Which is sad as I love women and a real girls girl. My husband on the other hand also has mates that are shit but they remain friends from childhood as he doesn't care and let's stuff go. I now struggle with teaching my kids about friends. Do you get them to maintain their high expectations of manners and see them alone or tell them to not focus so much on their mates wrongdoings and get walked over. People are horrible. You either lower your expectations op or walk away. Both equally bad choices a lot of the time.

I think you shouldn't pass on these astonishingly unhealthy ideas about friendships to your children. It is perfectly possible to have enjoyable, mutually-enriching friendships. It's sad that you see friendship as involving either lowering your standards or binning relationships.

Another Z lister here 🙋‍♀️

Myself and my two children moved to a new area 5yrs ago where we knew no one. The kids started school so I thought I would make friends at the school gates.

Stupid me !! They already have their friends and don't need anymore it would seem.
I see mums in their running gear and ask them if they ever want to go out with me ? A barrage of excuses and then I see the maps on FB with them running with others.

I just feel that some can't be bothered to make the effort and don't realise that I'm on my own or maybe I'm not their type of person 🤷‍♀️

I actually find it easier to talk to men, far less complicated, and have 1 male friend who I regularly hang out with, of course until he gets a GF and that'll be the end of that ! Just kidding - he'd never do that to me 😉

I'd love for people to just 'pop in' for a cuppa and a moan but sadly not.

I spent the whole day walking in the Dales, on my own naturally, and one of the mums posted on our WhatsApp group that she hasn't had a minute to herself all holiday with the kids and her husband being around all the time. I posted a lovely scenic photo and said, next time you'll have to come with me ... Her reply "I don't do silence" 🤷‍♀️ She definitely doesn't like me 😂

That's me too. If I don't make the effort to text someone it can be months before I hear from anyone. But I do know I like my own space and definitely give off that vibe. It used to hurt quite a lot when I was younger but since having children I'm actually ok with it. I have really tried with some people but it comes to nothing. One friend in particular her and her husband had covid, two young children and they're not close to family, they asked me multiple times to go shopping for them and drop it round, which was quite out of my way and I have two young children myself and am a single parent, and it just wasn't appreciated, barely even a proper thank you. I looked after her daughter free of charge when she was pregnant and had young baby to give her a few mornings of free time and again still just not really a proper thank you and was just expected. I stopped bothering to message her and didn't hear from her in months.

@BListOrMaybeEvenZList

Thank you for the replies! I am glad that I'm not alone in how I feel.

It's upsetting isn't it? I feel like taking a step back from friends for a while and seeing who, if anyone, makes any effort or bothers with me.

I took a step back unexpectedly- serious surgery. Always knew I had no day 2 day friends who I’d call for a gossip but colleagues who I thought were friends people I still interacted with F2F and on fb etc - never heard A WORD from them. And I do mean that literally. I’m learning to accept that I don’t give out like / love me vibes. I’ve accepted this is my reality. When mum and dad die, I will have no family and other than one neighbour who is a friend, no one else. My honest saviour? Pets

I go to lots of events and through that met lots of people through groups set up My personl experience of this has been that those 'A' listers do organise more things, give tons of compliments to people but they don't really mean it. They were never people you would have deep conversations with and in my case they tended to be centre of attention all the time.

On the flip side this one particular 'a' lister would only ever talk about her problems to me, if I tried to talk to her about mine she would tell me im wrong or make it about her. She had alot of guys vying for her but then again she was quite 'easy' as she just kisses guys randomly, touch them up, invifed them to touch her boobs etc.

She would also tell me i was her best friend but she just used me and had zero respect for me and so I ended it and the fallout meant anyone else I knew who was friends with her just sided with her.

There were times I wished I was like her but I met someone who is more like me and its a better friendships, complete respect for each other, we might not talk all the time but thats okay cos we both have things to get on with.

So definitely agree your vibe is your tribe and finding people similar to you is better.

My problem is that i've been gradually dropped from peoples A list to B list. They just don't seem to care anymore. I think about how much better contact from them was before Christmas. Now its like every 2 weeks or more before I even hear from anyone! (Unless I get fed up and end up messaging first... but I feel its always me lately.) And they used to be in touch really regularly, things were balanced. Nothing has really changed from my side, nor theirs, really. So I find it quite upsetting.

On a positive note there are emote of things I dont miss:

1. having to buy lots of bday presents, I get to spend more money for myself!

2. don't have to listen to endless moaning about their problems over and over again

3. more time to do things I enjoy

4. going on holiday and doing things I want to when I want to and not having to wait around whilst someone is hungover or still sleeping

Feel free to add more to the list

Sunflower that’s exactly what I’d expect an A lister to say. It’s easy to think that when your in the inner circle that everyone on the outside is jealous of you. And maybe that’s the reason these groups are so exclusive, it’s all about the ego.

I've always been an outsider but I've also realised a lot more people genuinely appreciate me than I thought - and it's all that matters.
Also, as far as 'big personalities' or 'A listers' or 'alphas' etc. It's not necessarily the loudest most extroverts who have the biggest influence on people or indeed the most interesting personalities

OP I feel exactly the same. Not being anyone’s “main” friend is exactly how I described it to my OH. I don’t have any advice but nice to know you aren’t alone.

I also think a lot more people than you realise don’t have as many close friends as they would like. And remember social media isn’t real.

This is me also. I have a small number of friends but they'll always cancel on me. Gets me really down

@Angrymum22

Sunflower that’s exactly what I’d expect an A lister to say. It’s easy to think that when your in the inner circle that everyone on the outside is jealous of you. And maybe that’s the reason these groups are so exclusive, it’s all about the ego.

All @Sunflower1970 did was to point out that it’s patently ridiculous to claim that people to whom others are drawn are by definition awful.

I found it helped me not to actually care. The less l cared the more people invited/ included me. Also if l want to message someone l just do. I don't bother thinking it's their turn to message me. I do what suits me and no one seems to mind. If l have a need for a chat or someone to go for a walk with l take the step as that means l'm happy. If it doesn't suit them l just ask someone else..no issue.
Also if a few women are getting together l am much more comfortable if l say ...let's ask Susie too..l don't understand women leaving others out.
But l am not on social media so all my friends could be having parties in my absence but l am not upsetting myself by seeing pictures.

Maybe getting older helps as l just don't think about these things anymore. I know what l like and go with that.
So caring a bit less could help as well as dodging social media.

Some wise words here ladies ... thank you - it's lifted my spirits into not giving a shite, well for now anyway.

I don't actually want anyone to walk my hills with me, well not unless they can keep up and shut up 😘

And I definitely won't be trying to be popular by allowing randoms to touch my tits ... that post made me laugh 😂

Have a good evening everyone x x

You can't be the only B lister in the group. There must be others on the periphery. Could you not team up with them and form a breakaway group? They probably feel the same way as you do.

I’m like @sosickofthisshit, moved around a fair bit, homes and jobs. Stayed in contact with one person from a job I left 4 years ago; we did meet up a few times a year pre-Covid-19. I’ve just checked my WhatsApp and the last time she messaged me was February. If I don’t message first, I don’t hear from her.

I had one close friend from school, we’re still in touch now but again, sporadically. Even when I lived closer, she wasn’t that bothered. Would never make any effort with me but always saw posts on FB when she was out with her other mum friends (I don’t have DC).

Did have another close friend, she fell out with me when I couldn’t make a party she’d arranged. I did send an apology and reason but after twenty years she chose this one thing to cut me off completely. I’ll accept some blame for that but it was just a bad combination of things that happened on the day.

I have friends at work, but no one I could ask to go for a drink/meal. When I moved back here, I went out for a meal with an old friend but haven’t heard from her since and I could kind of tell she was just doing it to stop me asking again.

I started a hobby a few years ago, clean slate as it were, no one at all knew me so no prior judgement. Again, there’s people I chat to there, but I never seem to be able to break into the ‘inner circle’. I’ve kind of quietly accepted it now, still hurts but I think it’s too late for me to change things.

I have many close friendships but I don't think anyone would describe me as their best friend. I'm perfectly happy with this. I've noticed many women I know have deeply intense, love-hate relationships with their best friends which just seems a bit exhausting.

If I'm invited to a party I don't have to worry about offending anyone if I don't turn up as I know I'm never first on anyone's guest list.

I've only been a bridesmaid for my siblings. I have a good friend who has been asked over a dozen times (she is tall and stunning) and she absolutely hates it

Phrenologist I agree that there are plenty of people who are very nice and fun to be with and people are naturally drawn to these people, but her opening line was to accuse me of jealousy which suggests that she is included rather than excluded.

@itsureis

Another Z lister here 🙋‍♀️

Myself and my two children moved to a new area 5yrs ago where we knew no one. The kids started school so I thought I would make friends at the school gates.

Stupid me !! They already have their friends and don't need anymore it would seem.
I see mums in their running gear and ask them if they ever want to go out with me ? A barrage of excuses and then I see the maps on FB with them running with others.

I just feel that some can't be bothered to make the effort and don't realise that I'm on my own or maybe I'm not their type of person 🤷‍♀️

I actually find it easier to talk to men, far less complicated, and have 1 male friend who I regularly hang out with, of course until he gets a GF and that'll be the end of that ! Just kidding - he'd never do that to me 😉

I'd love for people to just 'pop in' for a cuppa and a moan but sadly not.

I spent the whole day walking in the Dales, on my own naturally, and one of the mums posted on our WhatsApp group that she hasn't had a minute to herself all holiday with the kids and her husband being around all the time. I posted a lovely scenic photo and said, next time you'll have to come with me ... Her reply "I don't do silence" 🤷‍♀️ She definitely doesn't like me 😂

You're better off without those samples. They sound like cliquey Mean Girls

You'd all hate me. I don't text or keep in touch regularly with some friends but I'd still class them as really good friends. Luckily they also realise that and don't mind.

It's also the case that I really appreciate it if others do up the organising. I'm really glad to take part but never get round to do the organizing myself.

I'm just giving the alternative perspective that it's not always that they don't care, although obviously that's not always the case. If you pick up vibes that they don't really care, then you are probably right. But remember they might well appreciate you even if you aren't top of their list. They might just be busy or never get round to it. I've got a list of people that I know I need to contact, but as I've got older it's too easy to slob on the sofa and think I'll do it another time. I still care for them though. Life it too busy.