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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I shallow?

98 replies

bunnychubby · 10/04/2021 15:14

Hi all. Would like some opinions or advice please. I've asked RL friends but don't seem to get many answers so I'll explain.
I'm 25 been with my partner 9 years who is older than me by 8 years. I feel like we rushed into this relationship, I've never been with anybody else, or really had male friends. I feel my relationship is unfulfilled, I'm unappy but I can't pinpoint where or why I would feel like this. I feel routine day in day out is boring, he's never been a decision maker, always up to me to plan things. I can't be bothered anymore and I maybe it's because I don't want to spend time with him. We are always around each other, I go to work that's as much time as I get but it's not enough because it's a very hands on job. It's hard because he never goes out I dont get time to myself. Sometimes I get sick of looking at him and I know that's awful and shallow. I've told him, he knows exactly how I feel but maybe he's ignoring it because he likes the routine. I've told him on 2 occasions I want to split up, he tells me we can work on it, that the pressure of me wanting to split is fucking his head up. That he loves me but I can't lie to him. That's unfair. I won't leave my home as I've worked so hard doing it up, all my money to make it nice not a single penny from him. And it's in my name and I pay 100% of bills so I'm not willing to move out. But he seems happy enough to bury his head in the sand and not bother looking for somewhere else even though he knows how I feel he denies it. I feel shallow because he says his happy yet I'm not, I'd be uprooting everything. I need the energy to tell him again because I get dismissed times I've told him. Days and weeks go by and he thinks we are OK, although I'm not having sex with him, I see him more of a friend. Hes getting confused, he says because we can sit and laugh or talk must mean I still feel something. But he's still in the house so I can't just ignore him.
I'm starting to think I'm the problem, that I'll never be happy, because honestly I'd rather be on my own for the rest of my life, I don't feel like I'm relationship material even though I've only ever been with him. I just want to be on my own, I've never experienced living on my own apart for a couple months when he worked away years ago, but to be on my own is what I want no one to worry about and I can do what I like.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 10/04/2021 15:19

Does he go out to work? Do you mean you pay the rent/mortgage and all the bills, too?

wizzywig · 10/04/2021 15:20

Oh god. He sounds such a drain. Please don't have kids with him

Sleepdeprivedmumma · 10/04/2021 15:23

You were 14 and got together with a 22 year old! The age difference in itself rings massive alarm bells. You were a child and he was a fully grown man when you started your relationship.

It seems to me he has tried to isolate you from making other friendships and relationships.

I dont think you are selfish at all to want more from life. And I would call him a predator!

Original poster

bunnychubby · 10/04/2021 15:23

He quit his job a year ago because he struggled to get on with others there. My wages we OK to keep us going. In the meantime he says he's been looking but hasn't been accepted for anything yet. But even whilst he was working I've always paid 100% rent and bills

OP posts:

TechnoDino · 10/04/2021 15:24

You’re living half a life, you need to be assertive and tell him it’s over and to move out. You are not shallow to want a full, happy life. Get rid.
And, are you saying that he was 24 and you were 16 when you got together? That’s a bit icky tbh (him, not you).

pompey38 · 10/04/2021 15:24

You’re not the problem, you’ve grown and don’t love him anymore , you were 16 when you got together with him , a child .
Give him notice a month that he needs to find somewhere, and if he’s not out by then change the locks.

Sunbird24 · 10/04/2021 15:24

So you got together when you were 16 and he was 24? You will have grown and changed massively in the last 9 years, it’s completely understandable that what was ok for you in a relationship back then may not work now. You don’t have to have a specific reason for ending a relationship, just not wanting to be in it any more is enough! It does make it harder to persuade the other person that it’s over, but stick to your guns. You’re not happy, just because he thinks it’s fine doesn’t give him the right to impose that on you.

Wanderlusto · 10/04/2021 15:24

So you were 16ish when you got together? OP no wonder you feel unfulfilled. You've spend your whole adult life with this guy.

You dont fancy him anymore and want your own freedom and space, it's time to go.

Most people in our life are just passing through. The key is to know when it's time for them to go. Or to move into another capacity such as friend...or simply 'ex'.

You dont owe anyone a relationship. You do it to yourself however to do what you need to do to feel fulfilled, free and happy.

Wanderlusto · 10/04/2021 15:27

@bunnychubby

Wtf?

Well he is taking you for a mug op.
Looks like he targeted you whilst you were young and naive and now uses you as a cash cow. Kick his sponging, creepy ass out.

Original poster

bunnychubby · 10/04/2021 15:28

I was 16 but I take responsibility too I knew what I was doing so I wouldn't blame him solely. But I do think everything was rushed and now I kind of feel stuck. I've worked hard for everything I have, from the moment I could earn money I made it better for us but now all I want is freedom

OP posts:

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 10/04/2021 15:29

Well he hit the jackpot when he found you didn't he?

He was either a massive grooming perv or incredibly immature to be satisfied with a relationship with a 15 year old when he was 23. You then matured, got a job, paid for everything and basically grew up while he stayed as an immature man child. (This is best case scenario of course, because it really isn't OK for a 23 year old to target a 15 year old)

You've grown out of him love. That's OK, it really is. So now you need to stick to your guns and kick him to the kerb. Spend some time on your own, which is something you've never done. Then you'll be free to find a relationship that lights you up.

Sleepdeprivedmumma · 10/04/2021 15:29

Sorry bad maths! At 16 you were still to young to get into a relationship with an adult though

AmyLou100 · 10/04/2021 15:30

You were a child when you got together. Half the amount of time you were together because you both were kids and had no clue about relationships. That being said, you have outgrown him. Age old issue. Separate and go explore and experience life. You are too young to settle for this.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 10/04/2021 15:30

@bunnychubby

You feel stuck because you are stuck. But you can unstick yourself. Just be brave and stand up for what you want.

Mintjulia · 10/04/2021 15:31

Or put it another way, he has found someone to provide him with a home and pay all his bills while he sits on his bottom and does FA.

For goodness sake, kick him out. Give him a week's notice and the phone number of the local housing dept and the job centre.

Take your life back.

Aria2015 · 10/04/2021 15:34

So you've been together since 16? It sounds similar to my first long term relationship. I was 16 and it lasted 4 years. We didn't have the complication of having a house together though. There was nothing glaringly wrong with our relationship or him but I just felt like he lacked any real spark and was happy in a routine and I just felt too young to be living like that. I didn't know exactly what I wanted to do, but I knew it was more than what he wanted if that makes sense? Anyway, I did break it off and we were both sad but it was 100% the right thing to do. I went on to meet my dh a year or so later and we were much better suited. He had that drive that I was looking for and was more proactive.

I think in your heart you know it's over between you and your partner. I think you just need to be more definite about it. Perhaps seek out advice around finances and property to be confident about where you stand and then tell him that it's over and work out next steps. If he's not generally very proactive, it's unlikely he'll suddenly take charge and make other arrangements now. You may have to be the driving force behind making the break up happen on a practical level but it will be worth it to have your freedom back.

Crimeismymiddlename · 10/04/2021 15:34

Just rip the plaster off, tell him he needs to go. It’s not like you need his money-he has never contributed anyway. He is knows you want him to leave, but are too wussy to tell him, so is pretending to be confused, and he won’t volunteer to leave because he has a very sweet deal right now. It is not shallow to want to be alone or to not want to be in a relationship with someone-that is what women are told because people think that being shackled to a loser is better than having a good fulfilling single life, they worry it gives other women in bad relationships ideas. Also, it is grim that a 24 yo started a serious relationship with a 16yo. You don’t have to worry about him, cocklodgers like him are excellent grifters and he will find another women to glom onto pretty quickly, casting you as the evil women who cast him out no doubt! While you are living a great life. You are so young-please don’t waste it.

OldWomanSaysThis · 10/04/2021 15:34

You are not stuck and you most definitely are not shallow for wanting to live your own life.
Once you are free of this person, you will look back and wish you had ended it sooner.

icdtap · 10/04/2021 15:40

He quit his job a year ago because he struggled to get on with others there. My wages we OK to keep us going.

Oh he's one of those....
doesn't need to work because you can keep him in the style to which he has become accustomed.

I had one of those 10 years ago. Flat belonged to me and although he was paying half the bills and half the food he was doing fuck all else - got a job half-heartedly to make sure he was health insured (I'm in another country where healthcare is contribution based rather than residence based). Then quit that job (actually got fired it turned out) because he felt unfulfilled.

Anyway, I got him out by telling him the relationship was over and giving him a month to get sorted and leave. As we had emigrated to another country I knew it wasn't that easy for him to just find somewhere and move and of course we were a long way from family who could have given him a temporary place to stay.
He seemed to be doing nothing to organize moving on so I kept reminding him and a week before his move out date I said "So have you got somewhere to go because you need to be out with all your belongings by next saturday".
Then it was clear he hadn't as he skype called some friends in the UK and said he was living on the street as I'd kicked him out and could they take him in!!! So they said yes, he booked trains (he fancied a train trip across Europe...), left most of his stuff here and got a removal firm to pick it up months later.

So I'd recommend telling him one more time that the relationship is over and that he needs to be out by X date. Then keep reminding him. On the day get friends round to help him pack his stuff and leave. His problem if he's not organized anywhere to live. It's your property and he has no right to be there once the relationship is over.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2021 15:42

If it's your home, kick him out. Stop wasting your youth, you've done enough of that already. This relationship is over.

MazekeenSmith · 10/04/2021 15:50

@Sleepdeprivedmumma

You were 14 and got together with a 22 year old! The age difference in itself rings massive alarm bells. You were a child and he was a fully grown man when you started your relationship.

It seems to me he has tried to isolate you from making other friendships and relationships.

I dont think you are selfish at all to want more from life. And I would call him a predator!

16 and 25 not 14 and 22

PoutineQueen · 10/04/2021 15:57

Fucking hell, he's a prize.

Tell him he has 7 days to leave.

pinkyredrose · 10/04/2021 16:04

If his name isn't on the house he has no legal right to be there. Why did you pay 100% of the bills even when he was working?

Tell him he's got a month to leave. Change the locks in a month. You've got to be brutal, trying to finish with him isn't working, you've got to spell it out.

2bazookas · 10/04/2021 16:04

You've got a cocklodger. No wonder he doesn't want to move out.

Tell him to go and change the locks.

BlueDahlia69 · 10/04/2021 17:00

OP your post literally broke my heart. The despair leaping out from your words. This is over for you, and as you say, you need to end it. Please do it soon for your own mental wellbeing.

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