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Original poster

Am I shallow?

98 replies

bunnychubby · 10/04/2021 15:14

Hi all. Would like some opinions or advice please. I've asked RL friends but don't seem to get many answers so I'll explain.
I'm 25 been with my partner 9 years who is older than me by 8 years. I feel like we rushed into this relationship, I've never been with anybody else, or really had male friends. I feel my relationship is unfulfilled, I'm unappy but I can't pinpoint where or why I would feel like this. I feel routine day in day out is boring, he's never been a decision maker, always up to me to plan things. I can't be bothered anymore and I maybe it's because I don't want to spend time with him. We are always around each other, I go to work that's as much time as I get but it's not enough because it's a very hands on job. It's hard because he never goes out I dont get time to myself. Sometimes I get sick of looking at him and I know that's awful and shallow. I've told him, he knows exactly how I feel but maybe he's ignoring it because he likes the routine. I've told him on 2 occasions I want to split up, he tells me we can work on it, that the pressure of me wanting to split is fucking his head up. That he loves me but I can't lie to him. That's unfair. I won't leave my home as I've worked so hard doing it up, all my money to make it nice not a single penny from him. And it's in my name and I pay 100% of bills so I'm not willing to move out. But he seems happy enough to bury his head in the sand and not bother looking for somewhere else even though he knows how I feel he denies it. I feel shallow because he says his happy yet I'm not, I'd be uprooting everything. I need the energy to tell him again because I get dismissed times I've told him. Days and weeks go by and he thinks we are OK, although I'm not having sex with him, I see him more of a friend. Hes getting confused, he says because we can sit and laugh or talk must mean I still feel something. But he's still in the house so I can't just ignore him.
I'm starting to think I'm the problem, that I'll never be happy, because honestly I'd rather be on my own for the rest of my life, I don't feel like I'm relationship material even though I've only ever been with him. I just want to be on my own, I've never experienced living on my own apart for a couple months when he worked away years ago, but to be on my own is what I want no one to worry about and I can do what I like.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 10/04/2021 17:02

No you’re not shallow. You’ve given enough of your youth and energy and money to this bloke.

Be brave, end it, move on.

You get one life. Don’t let fear of change make it shitter than it has to be.

LawnFever · 10/04/2021 17:09

God you’re not shallow in the least he sounds awful!

You need no other reason than not being happy to end a relationship, he’s bringing nothing to this one whatsoever no wonder you want to end it!

He needs to leave, it’s your home and he’s a cheeky shit to be allowing you to pay for everything, tell him it’s over and he needs to leave.

Then get the locks changed and start the rest of your life, you don’t need to be dragged down by him any longer

Coving · 10/04/2021 17:14

Why on earth would be it be 'shallow' to end a relationship that no longer makes you happy with a man who leaches off you?

ThatOtherPoster · 10/04/2021 17:16

Get your Dad or a massive big burly bloke round to help him move. Spongers like your soon-to-be-ex won't listen to you - he needs to be told by someone intimidating.

Original poster
bunnychubby · 10/04/2021 17:22

I'm trying so hard to just come out with it. Im pacing up and down thinking and knowing what he will say. I know exactly what I want to say the words literally won't leave my mouth

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 10/04/2021 17:31

You’re stuck because your waiting for someone, who you admit doesn’t make decisions, to make a decision that goes against his wishes.

If the tenancy is in your name, serve him notice and be very firm because he will guilt you into maintaining the status quo.

LawnFever · 10/04/2021 17:43

@bunnychubby

I'm trying so hard to just come out with it. Im pacing up and down thinking and knowing what he will say. I know exactly what I want to say the words literally won't leave my mouth
You can do it, you could try writing it down if that might help sort your thought out?

If you’re not happy you have every right to end this relationship, you’ve told him this before, it’s nothing out of the blue, good luck

Weirdfan · 10/04/2021 17:45

Would you find it easier to write him a letter OP? You could be there when he reads it (or not, if you prefer) so it doesn't feel like you're being cruel or impersonal and it would give you chance to think through what you want to say.

Reinventinganna · 10/04/2021 17:54

You are so young. Don’t let this be your life.

Give him a deadline for leaving and mean it.

sabrinathemiddleagewitch · 10/04/2021 17:59

@bunnychubby regardless of it you "knew what you were doing" you were a child and he was as an adult. Please don't blame yourself for being naive as a child and falling into the trap of this man.

I'd book him a 2 night travel lodge for £55 say he needs to stay there you want space.

Get the locks changed. Tell him it's over

May sounds harsh but he's took the piss out of you for years and IMO groomed a child so I have zero sympathy

Wanderlusto · 10/04/2021 18:04

Agree with pp that asking for space and changing the locks when he is gone is a good shout. Especially if you think he might refuse to go if you tell him it is over.

dane8 · 10/04/2021 18:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Alcemeg · 10/04/2021 18:10

Good luck OP. Don't worry about doing/saying the right things, there is no "right" way of doing this except the way that works for you. The way you can actually manage! If that means writing him a note when he's out, putting his stuff outside and changing the locks, it's brutal but gets the job done. You're at an unfair advantage here because the power balance is very much skewed by the fact that (however you feel about it) you were a child when you entered this relationship with a (comparative) adult.

Look on the bright side, you're doing him a favour too in the long run. This is no way for a grown man to live, if he is ever to cultivate any self-respect.

Good luck Flowers

NotATomato · 10/04/2021 18:10

Oh OP he’s got it made! Doesn’t work, it’s your house, you pay for everything! Of course he doesn’t want to leave. However he doesn’t have a choice as it’s your house.

I’ve been where you are, and thank goodness (like you) I didn’t have children or be married, so no ties together. It’s really hard but you’ve grown up, you can’t just drift along and before you know you’re pregnant and feel like you can never kick him out. Just bite the bullet and stay strong so he actually goes. Change the locks!

cupoftea2021 · 10/04/2021 18:17

Maybe You have outgrown your partner
Perhaps he is ok with living in a rut and has no aspirations you do.
I would leave a relationship based on a resentment towards my partner
Some people like comfort perhaps that is why he does not see the problems?
What helps is looking at all aspects of your life and envisage yourself in 5-10 years.
I am baffled why some relationships exist with separate bedrooms to resentment and anger.

Do you want to live or exist as you are.
I see no reason for pp to call him a perve or criticise the relationship age difference
The age difference is bound to matter if you drift apart but I guess it was once a good thing. Let's move on to what you need for yourself now not the criticisms

Ohdoleavemealone · 10/04/2021 18:31

The relationship has run its course and that is okay.
It's okay to end things if you aren't happy anymore.

blacksax · 10/04/2021 18:37

His opinion is irrelevant. You're not happy and that's the important thing. It's your place and you pay the bills, how you feel is what counts here. So if you don't want the lazy cocklodging git him there any more then he will have to move out whether he likes it or not.

expectopelargonium · 10/04/2021 18:40

You're not shallow. You were little more than a child when you got together. You are now an adult, and over the last few years you will have changed as a person. People do change as they grow up.

It is fine for you to feel this way, and you don't have to saddle yourself with him for ever, just because of a decision you made as a teenager.

LoudNowSing · 10/04/2021 18:46

I was 26 when I broke up with the older man I'd had a relationship with for 7 years. It was hard at the time, but it was absolutely the right decision. I look back now (I'm 46) and actually shudder at the thought of still being with him. Thank god I got out when I did.

So if you're looking for someone to tell you it straight, here it is: BREAKING UP WITH HIM IS THE RIGHT DECISION AND YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT.

sorry for shouting , but i pondered breaking up with my ex for so long, wondering if it was the right thing to do. It totally was. I wish someone had told me at the time.

It will be hard for one day, but you can do it. We're all here cheering you on. Thanks

NotATomato · 10/04/2021 19:00

You don’t need permission to end a relationship.

You are allowed to grow up and move on. You need to be single and learn who you are. Just because your relationship isn’t right with him doesn’t mean it won’t be with someone else, don’t put yourself down.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/04/2021 19:07

Bloody hell OP. Pack his bags, tell him to go to the shop for some milk, put his bags out the door and lock it. What a using twat he is.

LittleMissnotLittleMrs · 10/04/2021 19:16

Can you text him something like “This relationship is over. I am not happy and haven’t been for a long time. You have (7?) days to leave. As the lease is in my name only, if you refuse to leave, I am within my rights to ask the police for help to remove you. Don’t let it come to that.”

If he argues that he’s got nowhere to go etc, reply with “that is not my problem” or better imo, “then you need to sort it”

Raspberrysins · 10/04/2021 19:18

Imagine another five or ten years of this. They always say it’s worse to regret something you HAVEN’T done than to regret something you HAVE done. You’ll massively regret NOT doing anything. Don’t waste your precious life. Time is so valuable and we should make every minute of our lives count

JackieWeaverFever · 10/04/2021 19:23

[quote sabrinathemiddleagewitch]@bunnychubby regardless of it you "knew what you were doing" you were a child and he was as an adult. Please don't blame yourself for being naive as a child and falling into the trap of this man.

I'd book him a 2 night travel lodge for £55 say he needs to stay there you want space.

Get the locks changed. Tell him it's over

May sounds harsh but he's took the piss out of you for years and IMO groomed a child so I have zero sympathy [/quote]
Agree with this. End it now.

You are wasting your life on this guy . He is in its most generous and best framing "an indequate partner" and your relationship has a rotten foundation.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/04/2021 19:27

FFS! It's never shallow to have boundaries and not even go on a date with total losers like this. Please, please, please, take back your life. Tell this low life to go, take a loooonnnggg break from dating, enjoy some time on your own without a millstone round your neck. This isn't love, it's parasitism.