Am I shallow?

[bunnychubby]

Hi all. Would like some opinions or advice please. I've asked RL friends but don't seem to get many answers so I'll explain.
I'm 25 been with my partner 9 years who is older than me by 8 years. I feel like we rushed into this relationship, I've never been with anybody else, or really had male friends. I feel my relationship is unfulfilled, I'm unappy but I can't pinpoint where or why I would feel like this. I feel routine day in day out is boring, he's never been a decision maker, always up to me to plan things. I can't be bothered anymore and I maybe it's because I don't want to spend time with him. We are always around each other, I go to work that's as much time as I get but it's not enough because it's a very hands on job. It's hard because he never goes out I dont get time to myself. Sometimes I get sick of looking at him and I know that's awful and shallow. I've told him, he knows exactly how I feel but maybe he's ignoring it because he likes the routine. I've told him on 2 occasions I want to split up, he tells me we can work on it, that the pressure of me wanting to split is fucking his head up. That he loves me but I can't lie to him. That's unfair. I won't leave my home as I've worked so hard doing it up, all my money to make it nice not a single penny from him. And it's in my name and I pay 100% of bills so I'm not willing to move out. But he seems happy enough to bury his head in the sand and not bother looking for somewhere else even though he knows how I feel he denies it. I feel shallow because he says his happy yet I'm not, I'd be uprooting everything. I need the energy to tell him again because I get dismissed times I've told him. Days and weeks go by and he thinks we are OK, although I'm not having sex with him, I see him more of a friend. Hes getting confused, he says because we can sit and laugh or talk must mean I still feel something. But he's still in the house so I can't just ignore him.
I'm starting to think I'm the problem, that I'll never be happy, because honestly I'd rather be on my own for the rest of my life, I don't feel like I'm relationship material even though I've only ever been with him. I just want to be on my own, I've never experienced living on my own apart for a couple months when he worked away years ago, but to be on my own is what I want no one to worry about and I can do what I like.

It doesn't sounds much like a relationship when he depends on you for everything. He is dead weight. I think you have had enough and I can't blame you.
Takes courage but get out. Life it's hard enough to not be happy.

Il keep it simple

SHOW HIM THE DOOR 😁

Don't sit around anymore & be firm & be happy!!

But even whilst he was working I've always paid 100% rent and bills

Can you explain why you did that? Didn't you think it was unfair that he had his wages to spend on himself while you had to support both of you?

@bunnychubby

I was 16 but I take responsibility too I knew what I was doing so I wouldn't blame him solely. But I do think everything was rushed and now I kind of feel stuck. I've worked hard for everything I have, from the moment I could earn money I made it better for us but now all I want is freedom

It's not about taking responsibility. It's that the changes between being 16 and being 25 are massive - 24 to 33, not so much. He is still pretty much the same person he was when he met you, whereas you are a very different person to then.

And no, you are not shallow. You have simply grown up, matured, changed. And he hasn't. So you've grown apart.

"He quit his job a year ago because he struggled to get on with others there. My wages we OK to keep us going. In the meantime he says he's been looking but hasn't been accepted for anything yet. But even whilst he was working I've always paid 100% rent and bills."

He's a freeloader. A parasite. You've always paid for everything? How the hell did he persuade you to do tht?

"I won't leave my home as I've worked so hard doing it up, all my money to make it nice not a single penny from him. And it's in my name and I pay 100% of bills so I'm not willing to move out. "

Then the only solution is get him out. It's your name on the tenancy, so tell him to leave. I'm sure he won't want to, but still - he needs to go. And you need to get on with the rest of your life, without him dragging you down.

@bunnychubby

He quit his job a year ago because he struggled to get on with others there. My wages we OK to keep us going. In the meantime he says he's been looking but hasn't been accepted for anything yet. But even whilst he was working I've always paid 100% rent and bills

You are renting fgs, bloody move out and on somewhere else!

It sounds like you want someone more independent and active, someone with a support network of a few friends around them. You don't find who he is and what he's like attractive enough as a romantic partner, and that's fine.

Also, I don't care if you think you knew what you were doing when you met him - so did he, and at the age of 24 he chose to be with someone who was 16. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

It's hard for you as he doesn't have a job and obviously you don't want to kick him out with nowhere to go. But you know you have to get him out. Can he go move to his parents/ a relative? He is clearly happy sponging off you and has no incentive to move out so you have to be very assertive here and say he has to go. I bet his own life will improve as soon as he doesn't have you looking after him- it's no life for him either being so dependant on someone who doesn't want him (and who would?) You deserve to be happy.

I was in a similar situation. I was 15/16, he was a couple years old. I was in care and got a flat at 16, he moved in with me...I got a good paying job at 16 and moved up the career ladder - he was selling weeks. We grew apart and I became disgusted by him. I remember when I tried to end it he wouldn't go, it took a month of telling him he needs to leave and making him sleep in the front room, and he finally left. I was 20 - best decision ever!

Be consistent, stand your ground. Do you talk to his parents? Have you got friends or family that can come round and speak to him too?

Your future will thank you for getting him out of your life!

I haven’t actually been to visit the school, but the website certainly doesn’t grab me

Totally unreasonable.
You do realize a lot of private schools have a marketing manager who works on the website to make it is attractive as possible.

You've made your mind up anyway. You just wanted ammunition from Mumsnet so you can force DH to agree to a private school.

You need to take back control of your life. Your life is not about caring for him. Thats his job. If you're scared to tell him, write him a note or have a friend come over to help you. You need to reboot your life and start living.

Wow. Tell him to get out now. Not your problem if he has no where to stay!

If he doesn't leave then call the police. They will escort him out of your house.

Then change the locks. Check youtube on how to change a barrel, it's cheaper than a locksmith.

Once he has gone you'll feel a weight has lifted.

You are not shallow. Take the scales from your eyes and get rid. Be single and enjoy it. Can't imagine being with a first boyfriend from when I was 16. You were still a child. You need to have fun and having him there 24/7 leeching off you is not the way to live. Give him 7 days to leave then change the locks.

OP you just have to be strong and shut off. There’s no way to do this nicely.

You have to fight for your own life now. No one else will do it for you and he won’t make it easy for you. So go fight for your future.

💪🏼

Think you just need to tell him to pack his shit and leave then change the locks, he sounds like a waste of space and surprised you've stuck it out that long.

The indecision or lack of decision making would be enough for me. End the relationship.

You can't do much with a rental to make it yours. It never will be. Take your furniture and belongings and start anew somewhere else without him. If it's social housing then I could maybe understand you clinging onto it.
Just take a deep breath and get those words out. Believe me, within a few seconds it'll be done and the rest of the conversation will just come out easily. If he refuses to leave then stop engaging with him. Sleep separate. Do not do anything together. Do not waver, do not give him any reason to think he can change your mind.

@bunnychubbyDo you own your house or rent it?

@bunnychubby ignore me! You pay 100% of the rent. In that case, I would give notice on the rented property and find yourself somewhere else to live instead. He cannot stay in the property once you have gone.

You need to tell him to leave ASAP!

How are you OP.. I hope you are okay and safe.

"As you know, I have been wanting to separate for a while now. You haven't found anywhere to go but I do need you to leave the house. This is your weeks notice, from today. Please leave by next Sunday. You can contact the council for housing help if you can't find anywhere to stay and any friends / family to have you - but you can't stay here, I to be on my own and live on my own".

I'd say it to his face but also with a text if he's not listening.

I've asked him to leave, I've gave him 3 days to sort his shit out. But I don't know... maybe writing it on here and seeing the comments, he makes my skin crawl. Told him again how I felt and he makes it all about himself, things he doesn't have things he wants, all these years I'm throwing away, reminiscing about the past. Then has the cheek to message me for sex because deep down I know he thinks so little of me, he knows I have no boundaries, who else would accept behaviour like this, doesn't want to accept there's nothing left. But at least in 3 days he will be gone even if I have to call the police

Well done OP, you've done the right thing. Stick to the 3 days and get him gone, don't let him manipulate you into letting him stay a moment longer.

Think 3 days and you are free.

Well done OP, no doubt he'll have a sob story in now 2 days time. Stay strong, get him gone!

Good update! Stay strong. Messaging for sex is just ick after someone has told you to leave, it means he doesn't believe you and, as you say, that he thinks you have no boundaries. Yuck.