No sex?

[Mehme01]

So, a bit of a long one. I'm 27, met my partner (30) in 2018, we have a 1 year old together and since our little one was about 4 months old, I wanted another. I spoke to my partner about this and he would laugh it off. So then about 7ish months ago, we spoke about trying for another. Partner was all for it, said he'd like to have them close in age, we should start trying etc. How many times have we had sex? 12 times in the past year . I've tried telling my partner when I'm ovulating, doesn't make a difference. Tried NOT telling him, he's just not interested in even having sex?? So, he falls asleep on the sofa EVERY night, even on weekends, he says it's because we just sit there watching TV, but if either of us suggests going to bed, he just wants to sleep. I don't go to bed at the same time as him anymore, because I just know 100% sex isn't on the cards, but then he complains that I don't come to bed so he can't even say if he would have sex with me or not? Like from the past year, I know it just ain't gonna happen whatsoever!!
I've tried asking him what's wrong, why he won't have sex, why he falls asleep, he says nothing is wrong. I don't push it on him, but I do suggest like , oh we should have sex tonight, so even when he's got a bit of notice, what does he do? Sleep. I've asked if he would make GP appointment to maybe speak about this falling asleep, he said when would I ring them I'm at work 😳 like, on your break like everyone else does?? And it's not even so much about trying for a baby, it's just the intimacy I miss, we would have sex like 3 times a day before I was pregnant, and our baby isn't the excuse, as he sleeps through the night in his own room, and has done since been about 6 months old. I just don't know what to do? I've tried talking to him, he says nothings wrong, I've tried suggesting we should have sex, he just falls asleep still, I can't go near him, if I try initiating things, especially in bed, he will just curl himself up so I can't get in there. I'm just at a loss, he says I don't try, yet that's all I do!!! How can he say he wants another baby, but then won't try for one?? Its literally breaking my heart more and more to know that my son is going to be my only child, I know it might sound awful but fair enough if Dr's said I can't have another due to a medical reason. But there isn't. It's just the fact my partner would rather sleep than do anything. Please send all advice, it is all welcomed.thankyou.

My advice is that at the point where you'v e tried everything and he won't change or seek help to, then it's fair to move on. You're only 27, you have loads of time to find someone else if this can't be sorted, so I feel you are being a bit dramatic by saying your DS isgoing to be your only child.
If he can't be intimate, it's a bad idea to have him as the father of your next one, because it's a sign that things won't last.

Sorry but Sounds a bit to me. like he’s avoiding sex, possibly because he does not really want to father another child,

This isn't going to work. He's avoiding sex for some reason, being obstructive and blaming it on you not going to bed.

At 27, it will be relatively easy to meet someone else. It'll be less easy in 10 years time.

I'd have a really good think about what you want, talk to him about it seriously and then make a plan.

@JustAnotherOldMan

Sorry but Sounds a bit to me. like he’s avoiding sex, possibly because he does not really want to father another child,

I'd agree with this.

I think you need to sit him down and point out how serious this is and get to the bottom of it.

My initial thought is that he doesn’t want another baby.

My second thought is how can you have intimacy when:

he sleeps through the night in his own room, and has done since been about 6 months old

I know people argue that it’s much better for them to sleep in their own rooms but that’s not something I personally understand. I’d feel like DH and I were roommates if we did that.

Nope! Ignore me! I realise you’re talking about your DS. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Am I the only one in the camp of resolve the issue rather than leave?!

It sounds like you're not communicating, you're telling him. He's not a child (albeit acting like one eating, sleeping and pooping). Go to a counsellor and get to the underlying issue. My moneys on him not knowing how to say he doesn't want another child and the fact you sleep separately doesn't do you many favours too.

They don’t sleep separately! The baby sleeps in its own room!

OP you need to talk about it during the day really not at night when he’s sleepy - maybe plan it then that you both go to bed in good time or do it on the sofa!

I think its time to lay your cards on the table and explain that your can't stay in a intimate free relationship long term. He needs to be honest with you about what's going on and seek help or it might well be the end of the road.
He sounds like he might be depressed to me but if he won't seek help then he won't get better. Maybe the idea of losing you will prompt him to seek help or maybe this is the end of the road as a couple.
I couldn't be in a sexless relationship especially so soon into the journey, I know not everyone feels the same but for me its part of being a couple.
The trying for a baby should be the least of your concerns right now, you need to sort out your relationship then it may happen naturally.

@GoneCrazy

They don’t sleep separately! The baby sleeps in its own room!

OP you need to talk about it during the day really not at night when he’s sleepy - maybe plan it then that you both go to bed in good time or do it on the sofa!

I'd hate the idea of 'planning' when to do it. Although I do agree maybe discussing when he might be in the mood.

Thankyou everyone, just to clarify, we don't sleep separately. Our son sleeps in his own room, and sleeps through the night so OH can't use that excuse for not being intimate. We have tried talking several times, we have made "plans" ie put our phones away on a night, have a mini date night etc, but literally, we eat, get our son to bed for half 7/8 ish, then by half 8, OH is asleep on the sofa. I know he works quite long hours but he never used to be like this. Since we first met, his hours haven't changed at work, and yet he used to stay up late, and now he just.... Doesn't? To me, this says there is something going on with him whether it's some sort of illness, depression, stress. But he won't speak. He knows my past, he knows I've been through depression etc, and he knows he can talk to me, I don't judge him, I don't put him down. Yet he says he's fine,but clearly there is something going on. He has said himself he wants another baby, which I can't quite understand as he's not doing anything about it? I have told him quite recently that I am ready to leave, as its not fair. He hasn't told me a reason for not having sex, I've asked several questions, is he gay, is it because he watched me give birth, is he just not attracted to me anymore? All he answers is no. Like I said it's not even so much about having another baby, it's the fact we've gone from having sex several times a day to once a month IF THAT, for no apparent reason?

He just doesn't initiate anything. I've told him if he says "shall we go to bed HINT HINT" then obviously I'd be up for it. When I initate it, he just.... Turns away... Say I've tried flirting, tried initiating, so I've done all I can, but he just never says or does anything that shows he's in the mood for it. When we've argued in the past about it he says WE don't try. Like no, you are the problem, not me. Last month he said to me "when are you ovulating" so I said oh were past that now, he just went oh, and carried on with his day. So whether I tell him or not, it makes no difference.

He falls asleep at 8.30 - does he sleep all night as well? So he's sleeping 10+ hours a day? That is much more than a healthy 30 year old should need. This, together with the loss of what seems to have been a strong libido before, suggests that he may be depressed. A man with strong desires will not lose them overnight without an underlying reason, I doubt this is reluctance for you to get pregnant. At his age physical health problems are very unlikely. I assume there are no drink or drug issues? Do you know if he masturbates?

If he won't accept there is anything wrong or engage with you on this you will unfortunate have a difficult decision to make.

Has this been since you became a Mum/heavily pregnant?

It's like one of 2 problems:

He now sees you differently due to you becoming a Mum.

He is genuinely exhausted for some medical reason.

You need to have a proper discussion about what is really going on.

He does get up at 4am for work, so he's getting around 7.5/8 hours sleep. And this is another issue, he literally comes home from work at 3pm,says he's exhausted he's tired he had a crap sleep, yet I have Insomnia, and when I do finally get to sleep, I wake up every hour or so, and he is snoring each time I'm awake, and yet he will say "I was awake loads last night" like hmmmm really?? Yet like I said, his work hours etc haven't changed, and he used to stay up until like 10pm and was full of energy. Now, he just sits on the sofa on his phone and falls asleep. No drink or drug issues whatsoever, no. I've asked him to just go to doctors, explain that he's suddenly sleeping a lot, but his excuse is when will he ring them, when will he get to go in for an appointment. I told him, like everyone else has to, leave work early, ask if you can leave for 20 mins, I can ring them, he can ring them on his break. But no, he won't.

I know you shouldn't have to but can you make an appointment at the GP's for him? sometimes men need the push to actually go?

@RandomMess yes!! When I was pregnant the sex stopped, he did say at one point it was because it was "weird" doing it while I was pregnant and he was scared he'd hurt the baby, I told him it's not possible etc, then after I gave birth, tmi but I had stitches so didn't dare do anything for a couple of months anyway, but then he just wouldn't. I've asked him why, suggested reasons why he won't come near me anymore ie saw me giving birth, saw me getting stitched up, does it feel different? He says there is no reason, so when I ask him why we don't have sex, he just says I don't know, we don't try do we. It's always WE, yet I do try and he doesn't. He will literally argue that its not just his fault...its like he wants me to be wrong?

Sounds like you need to do something drastic to make him act (or prompt him to anyway).

Take the baby and stay elsewhere for a while? Write / email him laying out your point of view?

You can't continue like this and he won't answer your questions satisfactorily, so you need to do something.

He'd be getting told 'this isnt a we issue, it's a you issue and perhaps I havent made myself clear, I'm not interested in remaining in a marriage with no intimacy, it's a deal breaker. So sort yourself out or I'm going to have to leave you'.

Assuming theres no chance he could be seeing another woman?

Does he watch porn?

@TheWaif not that I know of. I did suggest that before also as the reason he might not be having sex with me and he said well when would I have time to do that? Which I don't think is a valid answer as it only takes 5 minutes 🤔

If he gets up at 4am then sleeping at 8.30pm is not surprising - 7.5-8 hours a night is about right for most people.

If you have already told him this could be a deal breaker and he hasn't changed the outlook doesn't look good does it?

Probably give him a time period to engage with the issue - couple of months maybe - before you make a final decision.

Was he in the same job before you got pregnant? If so when did you have sex then?

@RandomMess yes, same job, same hours. He has worked there for about 4 years and his shifts have never changed and neither have his hours. We used to have sex everynight, or before I moved in, everytime I came round whether that be a week night, weekend, few days at a time. On a weekend during the day, we'd wake up at silly o clock in the morning and have sex. And now it's just non existent.