No sex?

[Mehme01]

So, a bit of a long one. I'm 27, met my partner (30) in 2018, we have a 1 year old together and since our little one was about 4 months old, I wanted another. I spoke to my partner about this and he would laugh it off. So then about 7ish months ago, we spoke about trying for another. Partner was all for it, said he'd like to have them close in age, we should start trying etc. How many times have we had sex? 12 times in the past year . I've tried telling my partner when I'm ovulating, doesn't make a difference. Tried NOT telling him, he's just not interested in even having sex?? So, he falls asleep on the sofa EVERY night, even on weekends, he says it's because we just sit there watching TV, but if either of us suggests going to bed, he just wants to sleep. I don't go to bed at the same time as him anymore, because I just know 100% sex isn't on the cards, but then he complains that I don't come to bed so he can't even say if he would have sex with me or not? Like from the past year, I know it just ain't gonna happen whatsoever!!
I've tried asking him what's wrong, why he won't have sex, why he falls asleep, he says nothing is wrong. I don't push it on him, but I do suggest like , oh we should have sex tonight, so even when he's got a bit of notice, what does he do? Sleep. I've asked if he would make GP appointment to maybe speak about this falling asleep, he said when would I ring them I'm at work 😳 like, on your break like everyone else does?? And it's not even so much about trying for a baby, it's just the intimacy I miss, we would have sex like 3 times a day before I was pregnant, and our baby isn't the excuse, as he sleeps through the night in his own room, and has done since been about 6 months old. I just don't know what to do? I've tried talking to him, he says nothings wrong, I've tried suggesting we should have sex, he just falls asleep still, I can't go near him, if I try initiating things, especially in bed, he will just curl himself up so I can't get in there. I'm just at a loss, he says I don't try, yet that's all I do!!! How can he say he wants another baby, but then won't try for one?? Its literally breaking my heart more and more to know that my son is going to be my only child, I know it might sound awful but fair enough if Dr's said I can't have another due to a medical reason. But there isn't. It's just the fact my partner would rather sleep than do anything. Please send all advice, it is all welcomed.thankyou.

@Mehme01

Whether I was home all day before or not, what does that matter? He still worked the same hours he does now.....its not as if he's at home with me everyday? It's like you're trying to slate me for being a stay at home mum? That's the reason I'm nagging him and doing this and doing that. When in fact, I don't acruslly nag him about anything, I don't force anything on him. He comes home to a bath, I cook tea, wash his work clothes etc..... I don't complain about it at all, I've literally come on here for advice, I'm not slating the fact that he works and he gets up early. I was simply asking why he, not even sleeps so much, but literally just drops off, even when he's got a hot drink in his hand, when he never did this before.....oh and I am relaxed. I don't go on at him. No idea where you've got this from.

And yes, I have tried talking to him, I have tried to get him to talk to me, HE says he's not depressed, he's not this, he's not that. I can't physically force him to talk to me, I can't force him to do anything. I'm just trying to figure it all out by myself, while he won't speak to me about it. So yeah he may be depressed, I don't know. And if he is, I'd support him, I'd be there for him, but when he won't tell me, or help himself, I'm just stuck here not knowing why he is this way.

“He comes home to a bath, I cook tea, wash his work clothes etc”

You’re mothering him and that’s why the sex has gone. Let him run his own bath and do his own washing. Treat him like a stranger and he’ll want you again.

I used to work 60/70/80 hour weeks, more hours than most people work. I worked days, nights and sleepovers all in a week, in a very very demanding job, physically and mentally. And being a stay at home parent, yes, is easier. But it's not easy. It's not just getting up off the sofa to put the kettle on at all? Is that really what you think stay at home parents do all day, sit on the sofa 😂 sorry but most people I know, can't even handle being a stay at home parent. They ship their child off to nursery or get mummy to look after them all of the time. So when my son is going through a development leap like he is at the moment and being super clingy and crying whenever I leave the room, what, I'm just supposed to go off and do washing, cleaning etc in other rooms and leave him crying for me? Nope, didn't think so. So I do what I can, when I can, I between comforting and entertaining my son. And you will say, well that's not hard. Is it not??? Clearly you haven't spent every single day with your child, dealing with the tantrums and clingyness and everything else that comes with it.

@vomcomvomcom
Thankyou for your reply, and for not basically calling me an arse hole like most of the others have. Yes, I believe you are right, although he doesn't expect none of that, I just do it. I see it as, I'm at home all day, I should do those things for him. Probably will get some on here saying yes I should be doing it, why should he come home from an 11 hour shift and do his own washing and bath and cooking, when, why should I lengthen my day by doing all of that for him. If he was single he would have to do it, in fact, he used to do it before our son was born!

I'm just supposed to go off and do washing, cleaning etc in other rooms and leave him crying for me? Nope, didn't think so.

Well first of all, yes, you can do that if you really wanted. But if you don't want to, then... don't? Bring him with you to put the new load of washing in or whatever. If you can't run the dishwasher right now because the baby is screaming, it makes no difference if it has to wait another two hours.

So I do what I can, when I can, I between comforting and entertaining my son. And you will say, well that's not hard. Is it not???

No, it isn't that hard really, is it? We both know it isn't. There are definitely some hard days, and stressful days, but I've never had any 'proper job' that I could do at home in my pyjamas, with plenty of long breaks in between tasks to sit on my own sofa and cuddle my baby. 80% of the time its piss-easy.

Are you concerned that your husband is tired, or are you actually resentful that he is 'undeservedly' more tired than you?

I do not pester him. I've simply tried speaking to him about the fact that we used to have sex frequently, and then it's turned to barely ever. He is saying there is no reason for this, when there clearly is. So he needs to communicate with me. Wow, so because he goes to work, he's entitled to be exhausted?

The reality is that the low libido partner (male or female) will very rarely be completely honest about the reasons or their thoughts on it or whether they think it might be fixable or whether they know themselves that they just don't want to do it anymore and have a serious aversion to it.
That's the truth.
It is extremely rare that they will communicate about it honestly, I would say a lot of the time it's out of fear of losing the person, maybe sometimes it's to do with embarrassment, there's probably a few reasons....

But even though he won't be honest and you don't know the exact reason you do know that he does not want to have sex with you! So what are you going to do? Keep asking to have sex? Keep asking him to talk about it? That will be seen as pestering.

You need to just accept the fact that he doesn't want to have sex and let it go, or else just end the relationship!

OP, I think you mean well, but your style of writing comes across quite belligerent which is probably why you’re getting a bit of a roasting. You do also sound like you’re being a bit martyr-ish about housework and childcare, whilst sort of measuring who does what and for how long. Your whole ‘I used to work 80 hours a week’ comment is quite telling - hearing that sort of attitude makes most people think ‘yeah.. good for you’

With regards your DP, ‘you can bring a horse to water...’. Basically you can’t make him talk or take action or change if he isn’t open to it, which for whatever reason he is not. Therefore all you can do is consider your own behaviour and needs and act accordingly.

Yeah I think your respective jobs are fairly irrelevant in this situation.

He just isn't into you anymore.

And yes, it probably is because of the baby. It sounds like you basically had regular sex in 2018 and 2019.

Since then it's been whenever he could be arsed, or felt guilty enough to be arsed, which is about once a month.

This is a pretty new relationship which has had a bomb thrown into it ie. a baby and a whole lifestyle change. Now he doesn't see you as his hot sexy girlfriend, you're his kids Mum.

I once heard that 2.5 years was the make or break period in a relationship. Either you've gone "meh" and you think about breaking up, or you've realised you adore them as much as on Day 1 and want to take things to the next level.

Now a lot of people get through the meh phase and don't break up for a myriad of reasons (incl kids in the mix and sharing a house and finances, or maybe just not wanting to start over with someone new), but imo it never really improves that greatly from the meh stage. It remains a bit meh.

And it definitely feels like he's hit the meh wall a while ago. And you're rapidly getting there too.

Thanks everyone, I'll just pack my bags and leave with my son with nowhere to go 👍 seeing as I'm the toxic horrible nagging lazy one that doesn't work and just complains all day long.

OP, if you want advice and support (you came here and asked for) then try and actually hear what people are saying instead of being spectacularly defensive and sarcastic.

You can’t force people to change or make changes. You can ask, you can explain how it makes you feel, if nothing changes after that, you can accept it, or leave.

Why don't you just enjoy each others company instead of having the end game as sex. If my partner tried that shit on me the first year of my DDs life I would of been turned off. People are trying to give you advice here and you are getting defensive. Maybe your partner feels like he can't talk to you because of this defensive mechanism you have. Have you ever shut him down when he has tried to give his feelings or views on anything?

You can’t force people to change or make changes. You can ask, you can explain how it makes you feel, if nothing changes after that, you can accept it, or leave.

OP, it's exactly this. You cannot force another person to change so if you're unhappy and can't accept the way the person is you have to take responsibility for your own happiness and end the relationship.

No one is saying to pack your bags right now and leave with nowhere to go, but you can start to begin to accept that it's over if you can't accept it with a view to making a plan to leave at some point in the future.

Op, it’s difficult. I think the sex thing comes and goes. We had a period where we didn’t have sex, for a couple of years. But then it went back to normal. This sometimes happens in relationships, especially when there’s children. It doesn’t necessarily mean the end. Is there any way that you can get away for the weekend, just you and him, once covid restrictions allow? Do you have someone who can look after your ds for a night or two to allow you to spend quality time together? It could help you reconnect. .

I was simply asking why he, not even sleeps so much, but literally just drops off, even when he's got a hot drink in his hand, when he never did this before
Sounds like a physical or mental illness. You've been dealing with this for a year now so have no doubt googled lots of possibilities and won't need any extra suggestions from us - but if that really is your question, and you've run out of ideas, maybe try on the Health forums.

With this huge issue coming between you, obviously it's not a great idea to be bringing another child into what might easily be a broken home before it's even born. In your position I'd be back on the pill, I'm afraid, until this gets sorted out. Fortunately you're relatively young and could afford to give it a year or two for your partner to get better, if it is an illness.

You come across as being full of energy and very busy, intense and intent on directly pursuing your goals. That probably gets you far in life, but maybe a change of tactic might get your partner talking? If you just sat in the kitchen with your head in your hands, leaving the tea uncooked and his clothes in a pile, maybe it would make him sit up straight?

Out of interest, did he perhaps even have Covid a year ago? Any suspicious symptoms? Long Covid includes severe fatigue.

You said you've had sex 12 times I. The past year in your op. So you are still having sex just not as often.

Your relationship is like a high speed train - met in 2018, baby, four months after that baby you want another baby. You are 27, just slow down and give yourself and your dp time to take a breather!!

@Fabiofatshaft1

If this was a man writing this, saying his wife never wants sex, because she is always saying she’s tired and exhausted looking after a toddler and / or says, he feels like he’s entitled / pestering her and she feels like she’s a sex object, he’d get a round of fucks on here !!!!

It sounds like he works his ass off to provide a safe and secure home for his partner and his child.
So he’s fucking exhausted, so what !?

Presumably the Op isn’t working and can have rest periods through out the day......

And there is nothing more than a turn off than someone pestering, pressuring, and nagging about lack of sex.......

Unless the person nagging for sex, only wants sex for a result, I.e. To become pregnant.

@Mehme01

You need to be less intense and start improving the communication process with your partner. You both need to talk honestly, but more importantly, listen to each other.

Maybe he’s happy with just one child, maybe he’s worried about the financial implications of having two, maybe he’s changed his mind about have two close together......

I think your partner is the one that needs sympathy and advice.

Yep. All of this.

I am like you, I love helping my boyfriends, and going above and beyond - but at the end of the day we aren’t doing ourselves any favours and they will just take and take and take. It doesn’t take long for a man to take you for granted and it sounds to me like he’s got a pretty sweet deal with you. Make sure he deserves your time and energy as you can’t get it back!

Why was @Fabiofatshaft1 post deleted?

My husband was like this for a few years. He would fall asleep on the sofa every night and he was snoring really badly. He also became very quiet in himself. I spent about a year nagging and nagging and nagging him to see the doctor and he actually had an underactive thyroid! It took about 3 months of medication before he stopped sleeping all the time and was chatty again. It was honestly like he had a personality transplant! I would keep encouraging him to see his GP.

Oh OP, I have massive sympathy for you. I am in the same situation, but a couple of years down the line. DH started acting in a similar way when we started TTC our second. We had planned it, we both very much wanted a second and it was the right time. But it felt like such a fucking ordeal. It took longer to conceive second time around (though nothing compared to what a lot of people go through), and I felt that once the stress of TTC was gone that things could relax and get back to normal. But they never have.

He just will not communicate. Is he depressed? Is there any underlying medical condition? Am I being too demanding? I have considered all of these options, tried to help where I can, offered guidance and support but he will not engage. Should I just keep talking at him?

He will not go to the doctors. He has totally withdrawn from spending any time with me. It isn't just sex, it's everything. Even watching TV together dwindled until now it just doesn't happen. The comment you made abut wanting to play a game with him resonated. That is exactly the sort of thing that would happen with us. Vague agreements about wanting to do it, but never actually doing so. Once the children are in bed, he disappears into the study and that is it. After I stopped trying to initiate any sort of physical intimacy (because the endless rejection was too humiliating) he moved out of our bedroom. I can't even remember the last time I had a hug or a kiss. Our marriage is over, and I am resigned to it. Some days I am furious that I am going to have to be the bad guy and walk away, because he is happy to just stagnate. He is happy enough in himself day to day, when we are talking about house stuff or the DC, when we see other people.

I wish I had a magic answer for you. I really do. And I so hope your situation doesn't go the same way as mine, but I don't know how to stop it because I tried to communicate every step of the way, but that requires two.

He has to tell you why he is acting like that, at his age if he doesn't want sex it can be healthy problem or he has another woman. Hope you can solve this situation

He doesn't want another child.

Sorry if I’ve missed this, but have you tried taking TTC off the table?

@TLxx

Am I the only one reading this who is concerned for this mans mental health? Having suffered from and watched others deal with depression, sleep is usually the only thing on your mind with sex being by far the furthest away.

My DH has a very high sex drive but during the summer he began suffering silently with depression, one of the signs was his lack of intimacy and constant sleep yet still tired. I found a men's mental health charity and gave him the phone numbers. He made a call in private within the week and he's come out the other side, with me, and a baby on the way. Stick by him a bit longer. Don't give up so soon without exploring.

Obviously the way you're handling things right now isn't working so try a different approach and level with him that your concerned. Not because you're not getting the baby you hope for but because you are concerned for his well-being. From reading this I'm not too convinced you are. I do think you need to tread lightly until you can say for sure what is wrong.

I think he's depressed too. Not just the sleep side of things, but the saying don't know, the zoning out on a phone. They're all very common with depression. The last year hasn't exactly been easy for most people. I really think he could be depressed. I'd be focusing on supporting him to seek help. Questions like what do you want to do can feel like a big pressure when depressed, as can your partner even gently asking for things like sex and intimacy that you don't feel capable of providing when you're in that place.