No sex?

[Mehme01]

So, a bit of a long one. I'm 27, met my partner (30) in 2018, we have a 1 year old together and since our little one was about 4 months old, I wanted another. I spoke to my partner about this and he would laugh it off. So then about 7ish months ago, we spoke about trying for another. Partner was all for it, said he'd like to have them close in age, we should start trying etc. How many times have we had sex? 12 times in the past year . I've tried telling my partner when I'm ovulating, doesn't make a difference. Tried NOT telling him, he's just not interested in even having sex?? So, he falls asleep on the sofa EVERY night, even on weekends, he says it's because we just sit there watching TV, but if either of us suggests going to bed, he just wants to sleep. I don't go to bed at the same time as him anymore, because I just know 100% sex isn't on the cards, but then he complains that I don't come to bed so he can't even say if he would have sex with me or not? Like from the past year, I know it just ain't gonna happen whatsoever!!
I've tried asking him what's wrong, why he won't have sex, why he falls asleep, he says nothing is wrong. I don't push it on him, but I do suggest like , oh we should have sex tonight, so even when he's got a bit of notice, what does he do? Sleep. I've asked if he would make GP appointment to maybe speak about this falling asleep, he said when would I ring them I'm at work 😳 like, on your break like everyone else does?? And it's not even so much about trying for a baby, it's just the intimacy I miss, we would have sex like 3 times a day before I was pregnant, and our baby isn't the excuse, as he sleeps through the night in his own room, and has done since been about 6 months old. I just don't know what to do? I've tried talking to him, he says nothings wrong, I've tried suggesting we should have sex, he just falls asleep still, I can't go near him, if I try initiating things, especially in bed, he will just curl himself up so I can't get in there. I'm just at a loss, he says I don't try, yet that's all I do!!! How can he say he wants another baby, but then won't try for one?? Its literally breaking my heart more and more to know that my son is going to be my only child, I know it might sound awful but fair enough if Dr's said I can't have another due to a medical reason. But there isn't. It's just the fact my partner would rather sleep than do anything. Please send all advice, it is all welcomed.thankyou.

@Boho7

I thought it was a fair and balanced critique.

I praised several posters for their brilliant input.

I noted that I believed the Op would ignore all advice because it didn’t fit her narrative.

I even stated that I believed the Op to be a decent person and a good mother. Just that her and her partner were far from being on the same page.

But I gave a personal opinion that they were incompatible.

I mentioned, not once in the lengthy initial post did the Op mention the word ‘ love ‘ and I failed to find anything in her posts that said anything positive about her partner.

I also stated bringing another child into this environment at the moment would only exacerbate things and make a non communicative and fractious relationship even worse.

I also mentioned that as the Op was deeply entrenched in her view point, maybe the partner needed some guidance and advice.

It was an honest and balanced assessment reading between the lines. No bad language or personal slurs were in the post.

I just want to get that out there.

There are few people on here, who speak out, stand up for, or support women who are downtrodden, abused, cheated on by men, more than myself. It just seems to me, in this case, it’s the Bf getting the kicking.

If the roles were reversed, I’d be supporting the @Mehme01 Op. I would fully expect her stay at home bf / parent to run her a bath, make dinner, sort her clothes and not to stress her out over sex after she had been up at four in the morning to do an eleven hour shift.

The Op says she is going back to work shortly ( Yet if she had had her way, she’d be expecting again ).

She infers he sits in an office all day, twiddling his thumbs, but he could have an incredibly demanding job. He could have the most demanding managers in the world. Covid might have put his job at risk. A possible myriad of things that contribute to his tiredness.

What I’m sure of, is when he gets home, as much as he’d possibly like to be the perfect stud, partner and father, he’s just bloody knackered.

OP I understand what you're saying about being tired yourself. When I had two under two my most exhausting days were staying home with them, I used to go to work for a rest. When I was at work I had planned tea breaks where I could it in the rest room for ten minutes with a hot cup of tea and a magazine, I never got to do that at home!

With regards to your partner, maybe it would be a good idea to take TTC off the table for now and work on reconnecting, if he's willing. Do you have anyone who can help with childcare, maybe take DC for a night so you can have a weekend away now things are opening up again? No pressure for sex just remembering why you're together and why you love each other and want it to work?

There's so much more to life than working and scrolling through Facebook. Even a walk in the woods together as a family might help uplift all your spirits.

If not, then maybe medical advice, and definitely vitamin supplements to help with fatigue might be worth a try. I hope it improves.

@sleepymuma81 I've spoken to him about possible medical conditions etc, even simple things like low iron. I myself have an overactive thyroid and the symptoms really are debilitating, when I was first diagnosed I couldn't even walk a few steps without gasping for breath and having really bad Palpitations, and even now, my levels have lowered a bit through medication, but I'm still absoloutely exhausted, but Insomnia also comes with it. So people who are saying I don't sympathise with my OH for working 11 hour shifts, yes, I do, because im exhausted every single day but suffer with Insomnia also. He won't agree to ringing GP, he says he doesn't have time to do it. I hope your husband is OK now x

@notanotherbourbon oh I am so sorry to hear you are also going through this situation! I am glad there is other people with my views on this. See, when we first met, we would go out for drinks on a weeknight, stay up late just chatting away, we'd have mini date nights on the balcony with a fire and bottle of wine etc. And now it's just like he cannot be bothered at all. Everyone on here seems to think I nag him everyday just for sex, but that's not it. I came on here for advice on why he may suddenly be sleeping all the time, when he didn't used to. Yes, we both agreed to start TTC #2, I didn't pressure him, I didn't nag him, but then he would just rather spend time on his phone. I've asked questions, I've asked if he is depressed, could have a condition etc..... But there's just no answers whatsoever. Everyone on here seems to think that makes me selfish and all about me me me, for what? For suggesting to my partner reasons he has changed and is suddenly sleeping a lot and lack of intimacy? It's not selfish, everyone has needs, and I'm pretty sure if their OH suddenly changed, they would question it too? We are going away with OH parents in a couple of weeks so hopefully they will have our son and we can spend some quality time together. 🤞

@Mehme01

But you have had reasons and suggestions why things have markedly changed. And you are being disingenuous to suggest many people think you are at home all day with your feet up drinking coffee.

Being a young Mum with an overactive toddler can be one of the very hardest but most rewarding jobs out there.

The structure and dynamic of your relationship has changed. When children come along, it’s not to be unexpected. In time, things usually stabilise and get better.

Or not.

You are NOT going to have the same type of relationship with your bf now, that you had at the start.

You’ve given a long list of your issues and medical ailments, you have everyone’s sympathy, including mine......

However

At this point in time, when you have all these personal medical issues, and you state you are also exhausted, and you are ‘ unhappy ‘ because your bf, ( Who works long hours ), and is also seemingly totally exhausted, coupled with the fact you have stopped communicating with each other, and there is no emotional or sexual intimacy........

Why in God’s name do you want to have another baby and bring it into this broken environment !?

Do you think a second child will magically improve things !?

Or it might it be the death knell of your relationship. If it isn’t broken beyond repair already.

Do you love him !? Are you in love with him ?

Does he love you !? Is he in love with you ?

Nothing, but nothing in your posts seems to suggest, either of you are......

Some straight talking is needed, but double the listening is needed more.

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread - it's late - so may have been mentioned already but the first thing that came into my mind is maybe he has the Madonna/Whore complex.

Happened to someone I know. After she gave birth he never had sex with her again.

Op I'm really sorry you are getting all this angst

But is it not glaringly obvious that he doesn't want another child
And not having sex means no risk
I think he's checked out of the relationship, he's not making
Any effort or communicating with you, it's flogging a dead horse

I think maybe it's time for the nuclear option, either he talks to you
Or you are making plans to leave.

@Guiltypleasures001

I agree. His way seems to be about taking the path of least resistance about having a second child is to refrain from sex and not discuss the reasons why, he just doesn’t want the flak.

Obviously tiredness is an issue, he may have underlying health issues, too. And it’s the Ops right to expect a healthy sexual relationship, but it’s also his right to refrain from one, whatever his reasons.

I hope the Op doesn’t get her expectations up to
high, with this break with his parents, because I don’t think anything is going to happen.

If she wants to stay in this relationship, she needs to play the long game.

Back off.
Totally forget trying TTC for now.
Stop the conversations about sex or lack of it.
Stop grilling him over his tiredness.
Stop giving off negative vibes and start giving out positive one’s.

If he feels relaxed and if he feels he’s not walking on eggshells, he might just feel in the mood.

If the Op chills out and takes a more relaxed view, then he just might want to connect more with her.

Alternatively, he’s had enough and checking out.

This is a very weird time OP- I personally haven’t felt remotely sexual since the pandemic started — I’ve had to ‘make myself’. A lot of people feel depressed even if they don’t seem it on the surface— if I was your partner I certainly wouldn’t be wanting to father another child with a fractious relationship and someone who seems more obsessed about getting pregnant than the quality of the relationship. My son in his 30s had a daughter (Who he adores) with his live in partner (2nd child for her) - within a year they split, a year later she’s pregnant again by the next live in partner. As my son told me she lovesbeing pregnant and babies and kids but relationships- not really . He still has to pay large amounts of maintenance and now is very wary of women who seem obsessed by being pregnant— maybe Your guy simply isn’t that bothered about another child and hence is avoiding sex because let’s face it it’s Women that hold the cards here and can easily lie about birth control