No sex?

[Mehme01]

So, a bit of a long one. I'm 27, met my partner (30) in 2018, we have a 1 year old together and since our little one was about 4 months old, I wanted another. I spoke to my partner about this and he would laugh it off. So then about 7ish months ago, we spoke about trying for another. Partner was all for it, said he'd like to have them close in age, we should start trying etc. How many times have we had sex? 12 times in the past year . I've tried telling my partner when I'm ovulating, doesn't make a difference. Tried NOT telling him, he's just not interested in even having sex?? So, he falls asleep on the sofa EVERY night, even on weekends, he says it's because we just sit there watching TV, but if either of us suggests going to bed, he just wants to sleep. I don't go to bed at the same time as him anymore, because I just know 100% sex isn't on the cards, but then he complains that I don't come to bed so he can't even say if he would have sex with me or not? Like from the past year, I know it just ain't gonna happen whatsoever!!
I've tried asking him what's wrong, why he won't have sex, why he falls asleep, he says nothing is wrong. I don't push it on him, but I do suggest like , oh we should have sex tonight, so even when he's got a bit of notice, what does he do? Sleep. I've asked if he would make GP appointment to maybe speak about this falling asleep, he said when would I ring them I'm at work 😳 like, on your break like everyone else does?? And it's not even so much about trying for a baby, it's just the intimacy I miss, we would have sex like 3 times a day before I was pregnant, and our baby isn't the excuse, as he sleeps through the night in his own room, and has done since been about 6 months old. I just don't know what to do? I've tried talking to him, he says nothings wrong, I've tried suggesting we should have sex, he just falls asleep still, I can't go near him, if I try initiating things, especially in bed, he will just curl himself up so I can't get in there. I'm just at a loss, he says I don't try, yet that's all I do!!! How can he say he wants another baby, but then won't try for one?? Its literally breaking my heart more and more to know that my son is going to be my only child, I know it might sound awful but fair enough if Dr's said I can't have another due to a medical reason. But there isn't. It's just the fact my partner would rather sleep than do anything. Please send all advice, it is all welcomed.thankyou.

If this was a man writing this, saying his wife never wants sex, because she is always saying she’s tired and exhausted looking after a toddler and / or says, he feels like he’s entitled / pestering her and she feels like she’s a sex object, he’d get a round of fucks on here !!!!

It sounds like he works his ass off to provide a safe and secure home for his partner and his child.
So he’s fucking exhausted, so what !?

Presumably the Op isn’t working and can have rest periods through out the day......

And there is nothing more than a turn off than someone pestering, pressuring, and nagging about lack of sex.......

Unless the person nagging for sex, only wants sex for a result, I.e. To become pregnant.

@Mehme01

You need to be less intense and start improving the communication process with your partner. You both need to talk honestly, but more importantly, listen to each other.

Maybe he’s happy with just one child, maybe he’s worried about the financial implications of having two, maybe he’s changed his mind about have two close together......

I think your partner is the one that needs sympathy and advice.

I agree with Fabio. Countless threads on here about women who just don't feel up to it, and they get sympathy. Your child is also 1, what's the rush to have another. It seems like he could be avoiding it, because he doesn't want another child as yet. I don't blame him, your child is just 1yo. If he is getting up at 4am, he could just be genuinely exhausted.

@fabiofatshaft1

I do not pester him. I've simply tried speaking to him about the fact that we used to have sex frequently, and then it's turned to barely ever. He is saying there is no reason for this, when there clearly is. So he needs to communicate with me. Wow, so because he goes to work, he's entitled to be exhausted?

So going to work for 11 hours a day is exhausting?

Get up, go to work. Sit in an office most the day. Come home to a bath and a Cooked meal. Entertain child for a bit. Go on phone. Fall asleep.

What about a mother's day?
I don't get to sit and do nothing.
In that time my partner is at work I see to our child, change nappies, make breakfast and dinner, provide snacks, make bottles, entertain, calm down, cuddle, play with him, do between 2-4 loads of washing, dry it, put it away, run bath for OH. so then when he comes home he gets a bath and chills out while I cook tea, wash up after tea clear up mess from child's tea, finish sorting washing, make packup for OH and whatever else still needs doing. So I don't just finish my day at say 4pm. I am doing stuff constantly up until bedtime. So yeah I'm sure he's the one entitled to exhaustion. And what about when I do go back to work? I'll be working and looking after our child, and doing all the housework and cooking? But he will still be allowed to be exhausted and I won't.

Also like I previously stated, he has worked the same job, same hours, for a couple of years,so why is he suddenly exhausted now.....he doesn't go to work and then come home and look after our child and cook and clean?
There is no difference to his daily routine?
So clearly there is an issue with something, which he won't say. That's the whole point of this.

@amylou100 there is no rush to have another child, we both mentioned that we would like another sooner rather than later. Personal preference from both of us. And if he doesn't want another, or doesn't want one just yet, then that's his problem if he won't tell me that.

@Mehme01

For several years, after my divorce, I worked ten hour shifts at a physically and mentally demanding job AND was a single parent with all that entailed.

So I don’t need a lecture off you. You are the one seeking advice, not me, unless you only want opinions that mirror yours !? If you don’t work at the moment and only have one toddler to manage, if you can’t fit rest or chill - out periods into your day, your organisational skills must be crap, unless your child is disabled and needs constant care, which you do not stress.

Your words: ‘ So he needs to communicate with me ‘

What !? On your terms ? I thought good communication was a two way process.

Things have changed because the dynamics have changed. You are all now a family. The opportunity for on the spur lustful sex has probably gone out of the window.

Personally, I’d rather a have a cup of tea and an extra hour in bed, than a whiny, whinging partner demanding sex whilst drawing circles on the calendar.

I bet he hates coming home to you sometimes...

Now here is some advice that I know you won’t take.

Chill - out:
Plan some date nights:
Stop thinking about sex as a means to an end:
Start thinking about being tactile, hugging, cuddling, embracing each other, laughing with each other:
Get a baby sitter and enjoy some quality time together:
Stop whinging about sex, start talking about making love:
Stop being, me, me, me, me, that’s how you are coming across.

If he gets up at four in the morning and does an eleven hour shift, no wonder he’s fucking knackered...

Jesus, grow up.

I agree with @Fabiofatshaft1

@fabiofatshaft1 yes, you are right. Communication is a 2 way process. So if I didn't say anything, he wouldn't communicate with me. Simple as that. And my child is actuslyl very energetic and outgoing, currently going through a clingy phase, not disabled. So yes, it can be hard. Good for you for being a single parent and managing it all on your own. You don't know my situation, you're just being an arse if I'm honest.

I have actuslly tried the date nights, I've tried cuddling etc. He's not interested. We bought a card game ages ago that we wanted to learn, I mentioned it a couple of times and each time it was "I can't be bothered" or "I don't wanna do that tonight", so no it's not all about me me me, I try suggesting things to do, try to change the boring mundane nights of him sitting on Facebook until he falls asleep but he is just not interested. I don't push for these things, I will literally simply just say shall we do this? If he says no, I will suggest something else, and if he says no to that, I ask him what he wants to do and it's always "don't know" so I am giving him the option to do things, giving him a choice, and asking what HE wants to do, but if he won't do anything then what the hell can I do. And like I said, if I go back to work, I'd be working and coming home to cooking cleaning and looking after our child, but yet he'd be the one that's allowed to be tired 🤔 why do men get away with that? I used to get up at 3am and work 15 hour shifts, by the time I got home and showered etc, I'd get 3-4 hours sleep, and this was 6/7 days a week..... Yes I didn't have a child then, but I never just fell asleep as soon as I got home? So to me, falling asleep after 11 hour shift is not normal.

Am I the only one reading this who is concerned for this mans mental health?
Having suffered from and watched others deal with depression, sleep is usually the only thing on your mind with sex being by far the furthest away.

My DH has a very high sex drive but during the summer he began suffering silently with depression, one of the signs was his lack of intimacy and constant sleep yet still tired. I found a men's mental health charity and gave him the phone numbers. He made a call in private within the week and he's come out the other side, with me, and a baby on the way. Stick by him a bit longer. Don't give up so soon without exploring.

Obviously the way you're handling things right now isn't working so try a different approach and level with him that your concerned. Not because you're not getting the baby you hope for but because you are concerned for his well-being. From reading this I'm not too convinced you are. I do think you need to tread lightly until you can say for sure what is wrong.

Everyones different. He may well be tired after 11 hours at work ..

And yes I would also say he sounds a bit down/ depressed maybe?

@TLxx & @Mehme01

TLxx excellent post. But the Op will just counter argue with her immovable point of view and intransigence.

@Boho7

Agree. If your partner has been haranguing YOU for several months because ‘ You only get up at four in the morning and do an eleven hour shift, then come home and have the audacity to feel tired and not engage with me and what I want ‘

Wouldn’t you feel bloody depressed !?

I gave the Op some sound advice, but because it doesn’t fit HER narrative, I’m therefore an arse.

So instead I’ll give her partner some advice. ( I wish she would show him )

Time to call it a day. She’s going to drive you nuts. If you think things are bad, now, wait till another kid comes along. Your life sounds utterly miserable at the moment but it doesn’t have to be this way. I’m sure there is a nicer, sweeter, more relaxed, more easy going lady out there for you, who is on your wavelength’

@Mehme01

Sounds like he’s checking out because he’s had enough.

And who can blame him !?

A keeper you are NOT.

As he did the job before there is clearly something wrong with physical or mental. All op can do is be direct and push the issue to find out what is going on.

I would be making a GP appointment on his behalf and use telling him that to get it out on the open.

@Mehme01

If you want to save your relationship, major and drastic changes need to be made.......

Mainly by YOU

@RandomMess

There wasn’t a toddler before. She wasn’t home all day, before. He wasn’t whined at on a regular basis before.

It was the honeymoon period.

Reality has bitten. He’s checking out.

Absolutely could be but the only way to establish that is by talking about it!

Whether I was home all day before or not, what does that matter? He still worked the same hours he does now.....its not as if he's at home with me everyday? It's like you're trying to slate me for being a stay at home mum? That's the reason I'm nagging him and doing this and doing that. When in fact, I don't acruslly nag him about anything, I don't force anything on him. He comes home to a bath, I cook tea, wash his work clothes etc..... I don't complain about it at all, I've literally come on here for advice, I'm not slating the fact that he works and he gets up early. I was simply asking why he, not even sleeps so much, but literally just drops off, even when he's got a hot drink in his hand, when he never did this before.....oh and I am relaxed. I don't go on at him. No idea where you've got this from.

And yes, I have tried talking to him, I have tried to get him to talk to me, HE says he's not depressed, he's not this, he's not that. I can't physically force him to talk to me, I can't force him to do anything. I'm just trying to figure it all out by myself, while he won't speak to me about it. So yeah he may be depressed, I don't know. And if he is, I'd support him, I'd be there for him, but when he won't tell me, or help himself, I'm just stuck here not knowing why he is this way.

It could be as simple as vitamin D deficiency. Only time in my life I could nod off easily and have naps and still get to sleep on at usual bedtime.

I am a SAHM too, and have been for the last 5 years to my 4 and 5 year olds. My dp works 12 hours a day doing a really physical job. I do all the housework, cooking, childcare etc.. when hes home I let him get on with what he needs to do to unwinde, usually ps4 and I leave him to it, I dont badger him to play games with me or talk to me and have sex all the time because hes usually tired and so am I tbf... we have a good relationship and get on well and have sex when we want not when its pushed and scheduled. Maybe he just needs some space at the end of the day. I dunno.. maybe I'm just a bit old fashioned. Dont make it all a chore x

if I try initiating things, especially in bed, he will just curl himself up so I can't get in there.

Uhm... How are you initiating exactly that he feels the need to physically prevent you from touching him?

I think there is definitely a stereotype that men should always be up for it, but that's not necessarily the case. It sounds to me like he doesn't want to have sex for whatever reason - maybe he was pretending his sex drive was higher before you had a baby and now he doesn't want to keep up the pretence any more. Maybe once a month is where he's happy.

If you're only doing the things you do - running a bath, washing his clothes, cooking his tea as soon as he gets in, in the expectation it will lead to sex I can see why hes turned off. If you're sulky with him because you're not getting any then that's not helping matters either (when he asked about you ovulating and you gave a snarky response).

Two ideas - you say whenever you wake up he's snoring away. Any chance he might have sleep apnea? So he's sleeping a ton but the sleep quality is so bad that he's still constantly exhausted.

Or, it's a mental issue for him. Between his having issues with sex when you were pg, then birth, stitches, not wanting to cause you pain, he's gotten in a mental place where sex is so stressful it's easier just to avoid it. But what "real man" avoids sex right? So easier to blame it on both of you and avoid the real issue.

I think you need to initiate a trail separation.

Although it sounds like he wouldnt even be bothered.

Its been a tough year for everyone. Just give him and yourself a break, take the pressure off and just chill. Enjoy your 1yr old.
Theres so much expectation from everyone to be on the go and to be perfect and to be doing things all the time. Just stop.

Were all human, not robots
Take care of each other 💐x

[quote Mehme01]@fabiofatshaft1

I do not pester him. I've simply tried speaking to him about the fact that we used to have sex frequently, and then it's turned to barely ever. He is saying there is no reason for this, when there clearly is. So he needs to communicate with me. Wow, so because he goes to work, he's entitled to be exhausted?

So going to work for 11 hours a day is exhausting?

Get up, go to work. Sit in an office most the day. Come home to a bath and a Cooked meal. Entertain child for a bit. Go on phone. Fall asleep.

What about a mother's day?
I don't get to sit and do nothing.
In that time my partner is at work I see to our child, change nappies, make breakfast and dinner, provide snacks, make bottles, entertain, calm down, cuddle, play with him, do between 2-4 loads of washing, dry it, put it away, run bath for OH. so then when he comes home he gets a bath and chills out while I cook tea, wash up after tea clear up mess from child's tea, finish sorting washing, make packup for OH and whatever else still needs doing. So I don't just finish my day at say 4pm. I am doing stuff constantly up until bedtime. So yeah I'm sure he's the one entitled to exhaustion. And what about when I do go back to work? I'll be working and looking after our child, and doing all the housework and cooking? But he will still be allowed to be exhausted and I won't.[/quote]
OP mabe it's just frustration taking the best of you but I would not appreciate having a partner who would assume being at work 11 hours is like "sitting all day".
Would you like if he thought that you sit at home all day?
I found being at home with my child very easy and enjoyable compered to doing long hours at work does that mean everyone is the same and I should say you have no right to be exhausted?
To be honest it sounds like you have no real warmth and connection with your partner, do you even still like him?
It's really hard to maintain the spark in the relationship when there is no real caring and understanding for one another because that's where intimacy starts.

You are only 27, your child is only 1, your relationship is not very strong at the moment and you assume you will have to do it all when you go back to work, why do you want to have another baby right now?
You need to sort out your relationship first because seems to me that lack of sex is just a tip of an iceberg.

I always have to laugh when SAHPs give these huge inflated lists of their exhausting days and then hand-wave away their partner's job as 'sitting in an office all day'.

Never mind some job where apparently he needs an immediate bath and his dirty work clothes washed when he gets home. Don't you know she has to get up from the sofa, boil the kettle, pour the kettle into the mug, put the mug in the dishwasher, press the button to start the dishwasher, etc etc?!

It's blindingly obvious that he is tired and stressed. Sex with his wife is no longer fun and carefree, it's "I'm ovulating today", "why not, are you gay?". He sees another baby as more stress, more responsibility.

Get rid of the idea of another baby for now. It's not happening this year, with this guy. He needs to de-stress, that might need a doctor, it might need a change in behaviour from you.