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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I too suspicious?

102 replies

Caffeineprincess · 08/04/2021 14:17

Ok so I have been through a couple of mills and do not want a repeat.

I've been with this guy since the end of July last year. It been for the most part pretty lovely. We see each other every other day, met each others kids, always talk on the phone, have keys to each others houses etc etc.

But I've noticed a few things. he gets lots of work calls but quite often when its a womans name on display he wont pick up while I'm there, although he picks up most other calls. Sometimes these calls are pretty late, due to the nature of his job not unusual but still I don't have men calling me at say 11.30pm unless emergency...

I've noticed he also has some women's names saved with the fire emoji next to it.

And yesterday he removed a tag of himself of a post I put on facebook, thanking various people in my life as had a bit of a crazy start to the year. This tag was there since feb but it disappeared yesterday and when I asked him he got very angry and defensive and said it wasn't him and he doesn't know how it happened. He has since deleted Facebook. ( although I know this has to be a lie)

he also had tinder installed on his ipad still a while ago, I asked him about it and he deleted it but got annoyed at me that I asked about it.

I have also had someone create a fake facebook profile and message me about him.

Whenever I try and talk to him about it, he gets annoyed and angry, says I do not trust him and then says he will spend less time with me and keep his weekends to himself from now on or he'd be happier single and similar.

Ok so fair enough when I saw he removed the tag ( pathetic I know) I did get angry and raised my voice a bit, but didnt swear or say anything rude. we had a couple of arguments. But I apologised for my reaction and he accepted it but refused to come a visit me that night as planned.

He has had issues with me and can be very aggy and rude. I feel like I'm always apologising.

I do love him, and do want to give him the benefit of the doubt but would any of you question the above?

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 08/04/2021 19:25

There's a million and one reasons why you don't trust him. He's a cheat. Don't be a mug.

Ohpulltheotherone · 08/04/2021 19:32

The simplest explanation is usually the correct one. Yes there can be perfectly innocent convoluted explanations but is it likely? Noooo

Could someone have used his photo for a fake Tinder profile? Yes. Is it likely that they chose HIS profile out of all the men in the world? No it’s highly unlikely!!

You’ve given loads of examples of terrible behaviour- not just one time where you slightly overacted to a slightly suspicious situation.

Is this what you are worth? Someone who you don’t feel secure with? Who’s on dating sites and lies about it? Someone who gaslights you and gets angry when you (quite rightly based on evidence) question his motives.

You don’t love him. You want to love someone. That’s great - don’t waste it on this lying piece of shite. Plenty of fish in the sea OP. Dump him

SelkieBoru · 08/04/2021 19:32

omg, I hope you get your keys back.

I wouldn't even bother having it out with him. Tell him you don't find him attractive. And surely you have been turned off by now.

AndromedaGal · 08/04/2021 19:37

He’s a player. He’s got other women on the go, or at the very least other women he hooks up with. Sorry OP, he is definitely not to be trusted. Ditch him & find someone who truly cares for you and you alone.

optimistic40 · 08/04/2021 19:45

@Caffeineprincess

I bet he gets angry or tries to wriggle out of it
Gets angry? gets dumped, more like
Abfabfanjo · 08/04/2021 19:48

Just ghost the twat. He's not worth another second of your time.

optimistic40 · 08/04/2021 19:51

@SelkieBoru

omg, I hope you get your keys back.

I wouldn't even bother having it out with him. Tell him you don't find him attractive. And surely you have been turned off by now.

I love the "tell him you just don't find him attractive" - this will kill his big fat ego. Brilliant.
casade13 · 08/04/2021 20:13

Ah he is a loser! My ex did this so I made a fake account on a dating app and made him look a right Idiot 😂

Get your keys back and if not change the locks 😘

seensome · 08/04/2021 20:17

Just put yourself on tinder, so he'll see it and you can meet someone new!

writingsonthewall · 08/04/2021 20:18

He's a player for sure. Sorry OP. Bin him and do not listen to any excuses or lies. I've met too many of his type and he will not change.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/04/2021 20:19

Please please please message him to say "I've been thinking and this relationship isn't working for me anymore, I think it's best we cut ties now as it's run its course. All the best."

My god, the times I wish I had done that instead of being angry / wanting them to admit they'd done wrong etc and in the process just given them fuel to call another wronged woman a psycho ex...

You'll feel so good if you send a message like the one above, block him and walk away with your head held high!

opinionminion · 08/04/2021 20:21

9 months in and you have keys to each other's houses ? Woah Confused

CausingChaos2 · 08/04/2021 20:29

I’m sorry OP but he is clearly still using dating sites and has other women on the go for an ego boost, even if he isn’t meeting up with them.

I would send him a message saying ‘It’s over, and you might want to stop doing that weird thing you do in bed.’ Then block him and get your locks changed.

Weirdfan · 08/04/2021 20:59

I wouldn't even bother confronting him OP, I'd just dump him without giving him chance to argue, gaslight or get angry. If he needs a reason I'd just say I didn't feel the same about him anymore and the relationship wasn't making me happy, let him wonder wtf is wrong with him for a change. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd hurt me, people like him have no conscience about cheating so I reckon leaving him guessing why you dumped him will bother him more than you going apeshit at him. He knows he's risking losing you if he gets found out so he's obviously prepared for that outcome, he won't be prepared for you simply getting bored and ditching him.

Itlod1982 · 08/04/2021 21:02

@Weirdfan

I wouldn't even bother confronting him OP, I'd just dump him without giving him chance to argue, gaslight or get angry. If he needs a reason I'd just say I didn't feel the same about him anymore and the relationship wasn't making me happy, let him wonder wtf is wrong with him for a change. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd hurt me, people like him have no conscience about cheating so I reckon leaving him guessing why you dumped him will bother him more than you going apeshit at him. He knows he's risking losing you if he gets found out so he's obviously prepared for that outcome, he won't be prepared for you simply getting bored and ditching him.
This 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 Or that he wasn't that good in bed 😂
londonbrick · 08/04/2021 21:47

If he knows you have caught on to him he'll be the perfect guy of your dreams.......... for a couple of days...... and then he'll be back to his normal cheating self after that.....

What you have with him isn't love at all..... just a game he likes to play.

Maybe think about doing The Freedom Programme online so that you can spot the losers much earlier on in future.

Remember it's not you - you are truly lovable. He's a liar who's taking advantage of you.

idrinkchocolatemilk · 08/04/2021 21:51

What is there to possibly love about him?
He’s a dirty little cheat! He sounds exactly how my ex turned out to be. Get rid ASAP

EarthSight · 08/04/2021 22:24

@anunexaminedlife

Firstly, the fire emoji saves next to peoples names when you add their number from tinder.

Secondly, you're not being suspicious enough! Dump him.

This. This post was almost unreal when I first read it.

OP you are ignoring big things or letting them slide.

Fire symbols next to women's names on his phone??? What the hell is that then? Their star sign element??

He's downloaded Tinder. TINDER.

He won't pick up calls from women whilst you are there.

You've had a message about him off a randomer on Facebook.

He's said he'd be happier single. My guess is that at this point is that he's still with you because he wants the sex or is satisfied with the dynamic in other ways that don't have anything to do with love.

EarthSight · 08/04/2021 22:25

@Weirdfan

I wouldn't even bother confronting him OP, I'd just dump him without giving him chance to argue, gaslight or get angry. If he needs a reason I'd just say I didn't feel the same about him anymore and the relationship wasn't making me happy, let him wonder wtf is wrong with him for a change. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd hurt me, people like him have no conscience about cheating so I reckon leaving him guessing why you dumped him will bother him more than you going apeshit at him. He knows he's risking losing you if he gets found out so he's obviously prepared for that outcome, he won't be prepared for you simply getting bored and ditching him.
This. 🤣 @weirdfan
Sunflower1970 · 08/04/2021 23:48

Please end it and have your locks changed

AramintaLee · 08/04/2021 23:51

You get my first ever LTB.

Cockenspiel · 08/04/2021 23:56

Yep, this post is today’s winner of the most red flags / examples of dickhead behaviour.

Please dump him and get your keys back (better still, change the locks!)

forumdonkey · 08/04/2021 23:59

You've found out he's on tinder and you've had a message from someone. You'll never trust him again. Walk away, it's toxic and he's a liar

Geppili · 09/04/2021 00:01

Dump him and CHANGE YOUR LOCKS! Thanks

Caffeineprincess · 09/04/2021 07:12

Well, I sent him screenshots and to add to that my friend marched with him and spoke to him! She gave up the game too early though, she should have waited till he gave out his number or something! he saw it all and was swearing blindly on his mother’s grave, daughters life etc etc that it’s not him and someone is using his photos, he said it has happened twice before and tried to send me screenshots of that. He also said he’d never put that many kisses on a message etc etc etc.... which he wouldn’t but the geographical distance and what he was saying sounded like him.

He was all like you can believe what you want to believe then went on about headache and removing himself from the equation.

Also went on about how outrageous it would be for someone to do that, that we live so close, he’s with me everyday and when we aren’t together he’s in his house all night and the rest of it.

OP posts: