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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I too suspicious?

102 replies

Caffeineprincess · 08/04/2021 14:17

Ok so I have been through a couple of mills and do not want a repeat.

I've been with this guy since the end of July last year. It been for the most part pretty lovely. We see each other every other day, met each others kids, always talk on the phone, have keys to each others houses etc etc.

But I've noticed a few things. he gets lots of work calls but quite often when its a womans name on display he wont pick up while I'm there, although he picks up most other calls. Sometimes these calls are pretty late, due to the nature of his job not unusual but still I don't have men calling me at say 11.30pm unless emergency...

I've noticed he also has some women's names saved with the fire emoji next to it.

And yesterday he removed a tag of himself of a post I put on facebook, thanking various people in my life as had a bit of a crazy start to the year. This tag was there since feb but it disappeared yesterday and when I asked him he got very angry and defensive and said it wasn't him and he doesn't know how it happened. He has since deleted Facebook. ( although I know this has to be a lie)

he also had tinder installed on his ipad still a while ago, I asked him about it and he deleted it but got annoyed at me that I asked about it.

I have also had someone create a fake facebook profile and message me about him.

Whenever I try and talk to him about it, he gets annoyed and angry, says I do not trust him and then says he will spend less time with me and keep his weekends to himself from now on or he'd be happier single and similar.

Ok so fair enough when I saw he removed the tag ( pathetic I know) I did get angry and raised my voice a bit, but didnt swear or say anything rude. we had a couple of arguments. But I apologised for my reaction and he accepted it but refused to come a visit me that night as planned.

He has had issues with me and can be very aggy and rude. I feel like I'm always apologising.

I do love him, and do want to give him the benefit of the doubt but would any of you question the above?

OP posts:
sunnyzweibrucken · 08/04/2021 15:13

@Ritascornershop I wonder the same. It's pathetic.

OP, you only see him every other weekend. So on your off weekends he has tons of time to meet up/chat with other women. I knew a guy who lived with someone and he was cheating on her, he had enough time to talk the OW during the day, on his way home from work and on the weekends. They would meet up after he got off work, then he would go home to his partner. She never knew what was up. It really doesnt take that much time to cheat.

Leave this sorry MF, he's not worth the headache.

WisnaeMe · 08/04/2021 15:19

@Caffeineprincess

I just dont get where he has the time. he calls me every night before bed or is with me, we see each other every other weekend all weekend.

yet here you are .... 🥺

FanPanCan · 08/04/2021 15:19

Aye, dump him and do yourself a favour.

Caffeineprincess · 08/04/2021 15:19

well the other weekend he has his child

OP posts:
nitsandwormsdodger · 08/04/2021 15:30

Why are you apologising ???
He is a massive cheat and you have caught him red handed yet he is angry at you ?

Fuckityfucksake · 08/04/2021 15:30

He may or may not be physically meeting anyone op but by the sound of it he is engaging with other women.
I've known men like this, who love the thrill of the date/sex sites for boosting their little ego's while their partners think all is good with their relationship.
It's disrespectful, grim and imo the same as cheating.
I'd not waste anymore time on this one op.
And to answer you question - NO you are not too suspicious. He thinks you are gullible though.

WisnaeMe · 08/04/2021 15:38

OP you feel suspicious because his behaviour is suspicious ... listen to your feelings 🌸

Derrymum123 · 08/04/2021 15:40

More red flags than The People's Republic of China. Run and don't look back.

Caffeineprincess · 08/04/2021 15:52

Yes you are all right.

When he calms down he always says, I see you nearly everyday, you have stuff at my house, you've met my child, we speak all the time, you've got keys to my house, you've met my friends. I'm the kind of guy who needs space I cant be around people all the time etc etc... and I guess I believe him because of all those things. He has helped me out a lot. I am a worrier I just don't want to seem paranoid or unreasonable, because potentially there are all reasonable explanations for those things too.

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 08/04/2021 16:07

I'm the kind of guy who needs space I cant be around people all the time etc

So he can freely move around to people elsewhere..

When he calms down he always says, I see you nearly everyday, you have stuff at my house, you've met my child, we speak all the time, you've got keys to my house, you've met my friends.

He is gaslighting and manipulating you...

I am a worrier I just don't want to seem paranoid or unreasonable

you are not being unreasonable OP 🌸

Caffeineprincess · 08/04/2021 16:24

and my friend has seen him on tinder today....oh well

OP posts:
Itlod1982 · 08/04/2021 16:26

So sorry OP! At least you know you can trust your instincts!!

WisnaeMe · 08/04/2021 17:00

@Caffeineprincess

and my friend has seen him on tinder today....oh well

Seriously .... 😱

well ... good on your friend for being honest with you.. she's a true friend lovely. 🌸

Caffeineprincess · 08/04/2021 17:55

I bet he gets angry or tries to wriggle out of it

OP posts:
Itlod1982 · 08/04/2021 18:19

@Caffeineprincess

I bet he gets angry or tries to wriggle out of it
Let us know what he says when you confront him!! I bet he claims it's an old account, but if you've not been on Tinder for a certain amount of time (a couple of weeks max) your profile won't be shown on other people's 'stacks'
expectopelargonium · 08/04/2021 18:21

@Caffeineprincess

I bet he gets angry or tries to wriggle out of it
He'll either say it's because his mate asked him to check to see if their girlfriend is on there, or there will be some bullshit excuse about it being someone else who has set up a fake profile, or he hasn't been on there for yonks so it must have been hacked.

And then he will get angry with you for not trusting him.

Caffeineprincess · 08/04/2021 18:24

yeah he will. that could be true but combined with the phone numbers thing it doesnt add up.

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 08/04/2021 18:26

@Caffeineprincess

I bet he gets angry or tries to wriggle out of it

You don't need his approval to end this 'relationship'

You don't need to listen to his 'excuses/lies'

You don't need to explain why you are ending this relationship.

Ending the relationship is not a Win or Lose Debate.

He cannot be faithful, but if you don't want to end this, then let him convince you everything you know to be true, is a lie, and accept this is your life now.

alternatively .. You tell Him it's over... Goodbye 😏

WisnaeMe · 08/04/2021 18:31

You can do this OP 🌸

blacksax · 08/04/2021 18:36

@Caffeineprincess

yeah he will. that could be true but combined with the phone numbers thing it doesnt add up.
It could theoretically be true.

But you know deep down that he's lying through his teeth.

CombatBarbie · 08/04/2021 18:36

Well if its just hook ups for sex he has plenty time after work before bed etc, lunchtime etc you'd be surprised!!

If you'd only mentioned one of the suspicions I'd have maybe said you were over reacting. But all of them in their own right are red flags so all together there is only one plausible explanation. Sorry OP.

Onelifeonly · 08/04/2021 18:37

'Whenever I try and talk to him about it, he gets annoyed and angry, says I do not trust him and then says he will spend less time with me and keep his weekends to himself from now on or he'd be happier single and similar.'

He gets angry because he knows he is not trustworthy. If he was, he would be happy to reassure you. Also pretty petty and childish to say he will spend less time with you etc.

He's not worth the effort imo.

BeatBox6 · 08/04/2021 18:40

The excuses some women give these losers. Angry

Honestly feel so sorry for you OP. This guy is a dirty cheat.

Purplecatshopaholic · 08/04/2021 18:44

Sorry op. This one is up to no good - red flags all over the place. Dump, block, and thank your stars you got out when you did!

sunnyzweibrucken · 08/04/2021 19:23

See? they ALWAYS make time to sneak around. My ex was the same way, and technology makes it so much easier cause you can use social media or even chat on the phone any time and anywhere these days.

I would show him a screen shot of him being on TInder (if that's possible) and not even wait for a reply and block him.

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