Did anyone else have a childhood where they felt like an inconvenience?

[ItsaMinorThing]

Please be kind. I'm feeling pretty shit right now for a number of reasons (have name changed). I'm currently in counselling anyway.

This isn't the severity of the Stately Homes Threads. Or maybe it is?

I have 2 older siblings. I know I was a 'happy accident' raised in the 80s.

I would say we were middle class, normal, nuclear type family. Never ever went without.

BUT

I now have 2 teenagers and it's made me reflect back on my own past. So the other night we were all watching (and belly laughing) at something on TV. I can never think of a time when we had fun as a family.

We did lots of activities and we would get lifts to hobbies, but we were all very 'separate'. Nobody really wanted to spend time together. We sort of existed as housemates. My parents had no interest in who my friends were.

If we needed help with homework then that could be given, but it wouldn't be offered. It would be an inconvenience.

I always felt like I was an inconvenience. There was never any affection or vocal demonstrations of love.

Was this just how it was? Am I being unrealistic? I know there is nothing abusive or even neglectful here but it's just made me rather sad.

I was raised in the 89’s and feel exactly the same! I remember when I had my children being amazed at home much love and joy I got from them. I honestly think that’s just the way it was

80’s!

Yes - joy. That's the word I was reaching for.

I never felt really loved, especially from my father. He definitely had zero patience with children, I remember him shouting and being cross a lot. Me and my sister were both smacked.

My mother was more loving but she once told me that she wished she'd never had children. That has stayed with me.

Absolutely. My father told us none of us would be here if it was up to him ( meaning mum wanted kids but he didn't). We felt like a burden as that's what we were to him. I was perpetually ill and off school with severe tonsillitis every few weeks ( my mums anxiety was too bad for her to let me get them taken out). Each time I said my throat hurt my father would say "not again" like I'd got a sore throat just to make life inconvenient for everyone. There was no involvement in our education, emotional welfare or happiness. It was grim.

My parents were / are more reserved than I am with my children. My parents rarely say that they love me while I say it daily to my kids. Despite that, I still felt loved and cared for. I know that my parents sacrificed things so that my and my siblings lives would be better.

I think that parenting nowadays is more demonstrative and that this difference may contribute to how you feel OP. It may be that your parents thought of you as an inconvenience, but it may also be that they loved you deeply but just didn’t show it in the way that you do now.

Are your parents still alive? If so, what is your relationship with them like now?

Yes my parents are still alive. Very well off and living a great life. Very healthy too

I'm sure they do love us, especially my Mum. We are pretty close. My Dad is very formal though? Highly intelligent and clever. Very good to have around in a crisis.

This is what makes me doubt myself and think I'm being a bit of a snowflake.

My Dad is always just happy in his own company (or with Mum) and is not really interested in us or his grandchildren.

I don’t think what you are feeling is because you are a snowflake, me and my brother were such an inconvenience to my mother she left my dad and us to it when I was 12 for a new life in London. She didn’t look back, only now I have DC I realise how fucking selfish that was, it genuinely didn’t occur to me before.

She found a nice rich man which is ironic because my dad turned down lots of high paying roles to stay close to the family home and be there for us and lives an odd existence now. Last visit she was laughing about how she does sexual favours for her ‘salary’ 😬 I don’t think I’ve ever been so uncomfortable.

Anyway, lots of things seem to come to light when you go through something yourself and realise the choices they just have made.

Post on that stately homes, maybe if you wanted to talk to your parents about it and want some advice?

Oh my, yes. My family 'nick-name' was 'the been there, done that, kid'. I was a most assuredly not happy accident, in the '70's, and my mother and my sisters (my sisters, understandably, given that one was basically given me to raise, when she herself was 13) resented the ever loving hell out of my existence.

When I was seven, a 'friend' told me that her mother, my mother's friend, had told her that I was a mistake, and that Mum had tried her hardest to abort me. Which I completely understand and sympathise about her wanting to abort me. But being told that by my 'friend' hurt. It was rather funny though, when I was about thirteen, Mum decided to tell me, herself. It was rather satisfying in a twisted sort of a way, to see Mum's shock and anger that this was old news.

We get on very well now, but there's plenty of water I've had to let go under the bridge.

The Problem is so much time has passed - I wouldn't even know how to tackle it? Or why?

What would I like... an apology? I think it would all just be horribly awkward and have lots of bad feelings.

I think parenting was seen as a'job' to get done. Efficiently and safely. Get them to adulthood then you're done.

They definitely did that. We all left home and have successful careers.

I can't see that there would be any reflection leading to remorse or anything close.

Thankyou for sharing your stories. It's weirdly sad but helpful.

I identify with a lot of what you are saying. I normally see my mum quite a lot and have no doubt she loves us.

However as a kid born in 85 I did feel like life was exhausting for her and she obviously felt burdened with domestic stuff despite working full time. So I think this did lead to me feeling like an inconvenience.

It has also lead to some self esteem issues as an adult.

Also born in the miss 80s

Yeah I have no memories of playing, laughing having fun with my mum.... don't remember her reading us a bed time story. Certainly didn't get help with homework, she never even took an interest to ask if I had any. Stopped attending parents evening when I was about year 9? No clue who my friends were.

Parents are divorced and my dad wasn't to far from the same.

I couldn't imagine being like with Dd. I love hearing about her friends and hearing what she's been up to at school. We sit on the sofa and watch the TV cuddling..... would never have happened with my mum.

But what's weird is she's completely different know..... she's a cuddly grandma, calls 3 times a week. Wants to know everything we are up to. It's like now I've left home she's realised she missed out on it all which is a bit sad .

I don't mean to undermine your feelings, they are your feelings and therefore valid and justified. BUT...there are a multitude of types of parents as there are a multitude of personality types, and because you feel and parent one way, doesn't mean another way was wrong or indeed that you were an inconvenience.

Your parents provided everything you needed/wanted, drove you all to separate hobbies as that's what you wanted which must have been quite tiring, are intelligent and provided help when you needed it. Sounds good to me. I read so many of these threads and sometimes it feels as though people forgot sometimes (although of course there are exceptions) that parents are only humans. Humans with inherited flaws and trauma of their own. Children are such incredible hard work, they are messy and loud, challenging and tiring amongst the lovely stuff.

We just had this conversation recently. My parents are lovely but my god they loved their nights out and quite honestly would have left us with anyone rather than cancelling a night in the pub. My mum had lots of younger siblings so we were always dumped on one of my mums younger sisters who also had no say in the matter. They didn't want to be babysitting and we didn't want a grumpy teenager minding us so it was horrible. I remember once having sunstroke when I was 11 and puking my guts up and I was left on the couch while they went to the pub because it was Sunday night and everyone was out so off they went and left my 14 year old sister looking after me. It's made me totally paranoid about going on nights out so now I'm unhealthily the opposite and never leave my children

I went through the same thing, I've posted about it many times on here.

Neither of my parents actually wanted children - my mother (Catholic) thought for some reason I've never been able to get out of her that she couldn't have children. She met my father (who made it clear from the outset he didn't want children) in the January, was pregnant with my older brother by the October and married in the December.

I followed a year (yep, a year) later and then 2 years after that my younger brother. My father finally had a vasectomy... We were always a weirdly disconnected family. My mother had zero sense of humour and never played with us as children, never gave hugs, never said 'I love you' - neither of them did. After school activities and hobbies were actively discouraged. We weren't allowed to bring friends home and we never had sleepovers.

As we got older, my mother in particular, resented the constraints that having children placed on their lives. My father went back to living as if he was a single man and worked around the world. When I was about 14 my mother wasn't able to accompany him and she openly blamed us for it (he cheated on her throughout the 23 years they were married).

Some people really shouldn't have children. Neither myself or my two brothers have.

I always knew I had scuppered dm's job opportunity by my conception... Did it myself I assume????
Df quickly installed a new dw +ddog into my old room when dm moved out. No space for me to stay.
Funnily I dumped them both in my 20's...

I felt like an inconvenience, parents alteaft had 3 late teenagers when they had me. Spent most of my childhood feeling like I was in the way, resented by my older sister who had been the youngest for 14 years. Parents kind enough to me, but pretty much left to get on with things by myself and expected entertain younger nieces and nephews whenever they came over. Rushed into marriage in my early 20s just to get out of there, then zero support from family when that turned out to be abusive.
Both of my parents have since died, I barely see my siblings and their families, and am NC with my sister. My two daughters are my absolute world, I don't need anyone else.

@BMHM

I don't mean to undermine your feelings, they are your feelings and therefore valid and justified. BUT...there are a multitude of types of parents as there are a multitude of personality types, and because you feel and parent one way, doesn't mean another way was wrong or indeed that you were an inconvenience.

Your parents provided everything you needed/wanted, drove you all to separate hobbies as that's what you wanted which must have been quite tiring, are intelligent and provided help when you needed it. Sounds good to me. I read so many of these threads and sometimes it feels as though people forgot sometimes (although of course there are exceptions) that parents are only humans. Humans with inherited flaws and trauma of their own. Children are such incredible hard work, they are messy and loud, challenging and tiring amongst the lovely stuff.

Wonderfully put ❤️

I had a very traumatic childhood in many ways, but I do think this image we have of a happy close family who all enjoy one another’s company, choose to hang out together, share similar interests etc. is actually pretty uncommon. If you had parents who took good care of you, loved you, and raised you to adulthood to become a capable person then you are very fortunate in the grand scheme of things. Not to invalidate your feelings at all, I’m just struck by the way you even consider the idea that they may apologise. For what?

My mum used to 'joke' about a countdown until my brother and I left home, so I get it.

I've never spoken to her about the misery that was my childhood, however I've made sure I'm the complete opposite with my own children.

We spend family time, I know their friends, I offer help with homework and they know that no matter how much they screw up they can come to me-yes they will get told off, but I will help them every single time.

They know their dad and I are in their corner.

The people that have picked up on the fact I had everything I needed - I agree and no I don't think I'm owed any kind of apology.

I just feel shit and don't really know what to do with these feelings.

I had a similar kind of upbringing. I have a theory that a lot of 70s and 80s children were parented by people who were in turn parented by adults traumatised by living through the world wars. Not everyone of course, but lots of people.

Trauma like that can pass down the generations. I think that my parents had a desire for our childhoods to be better than theirs, but just weren't emotionally equipped to do it. No one had really shown them how to be loving. There was so much damage to mental health done by those conflicts. Damage that no one really spoke about and that everyone ignored.

Over many years, I've forgiven my parents for their mistakes. I believe they did the best they could. I think I'm doing better, but I'm sure my kids will tell me about the mistakes that I've made when they get older. I just hope I have the grace to take responsibility and apologise when it happens.

The thing to realise OP is that they weren't like that because of you, or anything you did or were. They just didn't have it in them to do better at the time. There were few parenting books. No Mumsnet Mental health struggles were shameful to speak of.

@ItsaMinorThing I know that feeling...for me it's a weird mix of sadness and anger. It was only when I became an adult and saw how friends/partner's parents were with their children that I realised how little love or joy there had been in my childhood. The first time I saw my partner's mother kiss him on the forehead and say 'I love you' when he was leaving her house made me feel very upset and uncomfortable - it's something that a decade later I still haven't admitted to him.

I think a lot of people still think that if you weren't beaten or starved as a child you've got nothing to complain about. I don't agree.

@Hotcuppatea I think that my parents had a desire for our childhoods to be better than theirs

My mother really didn't. She used to get quite angry if she thought we were having things easier/better than she did at the same age. She even used to say 'I had to suffer insert negative situation as a child, why shouldn't you?'

And now wonders why none of her children have given her grandchildren...

That's truly shit @noirchatsdeux and definitely abusive