Did anyone else have a childhood where they felt like an inconvenience?

[ItsaMinorThing]

Please be kind. I'm feeling pretty shit right now for a number of reasons (have name changed). I'm currently in counselling anyway.

This isn't the severity of the Stately Homes Threads. Or maybe it is?

I have 2 older siblings. I know I was a 'happy accident' raised in the 80s.

I would say we were middle class, normal, nuclear type family. Never ever went without.

BUT

I now have 2 teenagers and it's made me reflect back on my own past. So the other night we were all watching (and belly laughing) at something on TV. I can never think of a time when we had fun as a family.

We did lots of activities and we would get lifts to hobbies, but we were all very 'separate'. Nobody really wanted to spend time together. We sort of existed as housemates. My parents had no interest in who my friends were.

If we needed help with homework then that could be given, but it wouldn't be offered. It would be an inconvenience.

I always felt like I was an inconvenience. There was never any affection or vocal demonstrations of love.

Was this just how it was? Am I being unrealistic? I know there is nothing abusive or even neglectful here but it's just made me rather sad.

Yes. I was born in the early 80’s.
I did not have a remotely similar childhood to the one I’ve given my DS.

I was surprised that my parents came to help with the children when I went to hospital in an emergency - I had struggled for 10 years with work and childcare emergencies but it never crossed my mind to ask them ever as they made it clear that they did not like spending time with children so it was completely unthinkable. So I was surprized when they came to help, but later I realised that in fact they did not come to help me. Heaven forbid that a man, my now ex husband, would have to take even one day off, to put his family before work for one day!!

Yes 💯. Mum married a horrible man when I was about 12. I wasn't even invited to their wedding. It was my Gran that told me she was engaged!

I spent most a lot of years in my room.

We have quite a difficult relationship but I try my best to forget everything and move on.

I'm not implying you move on btw. I'm just saying I try to for my own sake.

I'm booked for counselling so I think it's great that you're doing that already.

Having children does trigger your memories and it can be a very painful process to go through.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Absolutely.
60s kid here and both parents gone now.
I think it was seeing my nieblings (on OH side) growing up and having kids, and seeing how different in some ways my OH's family was, that gave me that wait-what moment quite late on.

As is often - and quite rightly! - said here on MN, look to how their childhoods were.
When my oldest nieblings got to be the age my parents were when they had me, I had a real 180 in perspective. I started thinking afresh of what it was like for them growing up, about the love and care that they just didn't get themselves. They literally did not know what a happy caring family looked like, my Dad particularly. Mum had some issues but she did love us, she was the "good enough mother" that Donald Winnicott talks about, which is why I did manage to eventually build a happy life and a good relationship.

I do still look back at my own childhood and wish I'd been cherished and nurtered and supported like I see my friends' kids being. I mean partly childrearing was thought of differently then. Don't spoil them. Make them stand on their own two feet. OCD wasn't a thing, "bad habits" were. Children weren't really considered a precious gift to put effort into until .. late 80s/early 90s? I vaguely remember the mood changes, articles in the broadsheets and so on. Kids being no longer just something for the liberated woman to escape (back to work) and men to continue to ignore.

Though from what PPs say, the unenthusiastic parenting style of the 60s & 70s did in some cases continue well into the 80s and beyond, in real life, anyway.

This book Adult children of emotionally immature parents is very good.

My DM was disinterested at best and jealous and resentful at worst. It was emotional neglect and I grew to hate her.

To think of me as a little bright, sweet thing begging for her attention and approval makes me feel sick.

I've always enjoyed my DS. He's my favourite person.

It is a difficult thing to come to terms with when you look back and realise just how different some people's families and relationships were compared to yours. My mum had 3 of us, I'm the middle child, within 4 years. I never felt loved by my Mum as a child. She was an efficient Mother, we had food and clothing and were warm but she was very quick to anger when any of us did anything she disagreed with. Quick to slap me, hit me with the hairbrush for complaining when she hurt pulling it through my long hair from the roots. She was a SAHM until I was 7 1/2 (Brother would have been 9 1/2) and I think she resented the life she lived. All the love in my house actually came from my Dad who was the one who read us bedtime stories or made them up each night and gave us all a love of reading. He was the one who played games and fun things. I'm sure my mum would say she did all the hard work but actually (I'm an early 70's child) for the time he actually was very hands on, got up and made us breakfast most mornings and helped around the house a fair bit especially as he worked full time.

All that being said though as a PP said my Mum was the youngest of 6 of a twice widowed woman who was basically raised by her older siblings and didn't seem to have much of an idea about love and affection. I'm sure she loved us as much as she could in her own way but she was borderline unstable when we were small.

She was a much better parent when we reached the teenage years and was very good about having friends round and staying over etc. I think that was because she like to have loads of people around and thinking she was good but it didn't stop her flipping out in front of friends.

I do know that we all managed her behaviour and made allowances and walked in eggshells to a certain extent so as nit to set her off and I know that it was due to that dynamic that I couldn't see the red flags in my narcissistic exH when I met him.

It has left me fairly damaged but I try to let it go simply because the only person being hurt by holding onto it would be me. I've had counselling which has helped me let go of the resentment.

When I was 11 we moved in with my stepdad who didn't have much to do with his own kids let alone want anything to do with us.

I spend my teen years stuck in my room every evening. Occasionally they would take me bowling or out for food but we never went for proper days out or walks or anything. I felt like a huge inconvenience.

DV involved from the age of 13 as well, police called many times and no one did anything to help me

Some of these stories are awful - real abuse. Mine definitely isn't.

The Philippa Perry book is really helpful. I can see how much good there was. We were not under any threat of violence. Our safety and needs were well met.

I have thought of a few other things in adulthood where I've thought wtf - like my Mum's reaction when I suddenly had to do massive amount of overtime for a few weeks. They are retired and in good health but I had to beg them for them to help out with some transport issues for childcare. It was so humiliating. I know grandparents shouldn't be used for childcare long term but honestly this was an emergency. They made me feel like utter shit for even asking. It was 5 (non consecutive) afternoons in total. That's it. It was such a huge deal. I can't imagine treating my own children like that when they're in trouble.

Again - reading that back makes me sound really wet but at the time it made me ill.

I will say that over the course of the pandemic they have never requested any help whatsoever - I wouldn't dream of withholding it btw. I guess there is this total stance on everyone being independent. They are managing really well - online shopping, driving etc.

I just find my head is muddied and I don't want to feel this way.

Just because it ‘wasn’t as bad’ as someone else’s it doesn’t mean you can’t have valid feelings over it and want clarity.

I have stopped contact with my mother now but lots of things are becoming apparent like I am very self conscious and I think that’s largely to do with her continuous judge and comments on others. Literally absolutely everything she will give a negative opinion on.

When you start unraveling there are a whole host of things that come to light.

I think I am going to have a mooch at that book too!

In my honest opinion, you're digging to find problems where there aren't any. It sounds like your childhood was absolutely fine. Not every family is the huggy, kissy, close type, it doesn't mean it was neglectful.

My childhood was much worse than yours sounded (my parents constantly rowing, dad with a terrible temper and shouting and swearing at us, both parents too tired from work to take any interest in homework, having to let myself in after school and make my own dinner from age 11, and do my own laundry) and I still consider myself fortunate compared to people who grew up in truly bad situations. My parents were far from perfect, but they did their best. We always had plenty to eat, we always had a secure home to live in, our hobbies and interests were mostly nurtured, our opinions were respected and listened to, we were taught good manners and how to interact with people confidently and to stand up for ourselves.

I think sometimes people who had very stable, happy childhoods tend to nitpick and find problems where there just weren't any. What's the point, really?

I think these things can be complicated to pick through sometimes, with little chance of a black and white answer.

I remember age 14 or so my mum telling me in anger that if she hadn't sent me to x relatives for a holiday she wouldn't have gotten cancer - the stress to her of sending me away, which they'd done because I was having trouble at school, caused her to get ill to her mind.

I also remember my dad, when I was 17/18, saying to a group of relatives that having children absolutely ruins your life and more in the same vein. I remember the context - I was being absolutely foul and ungrateful that day - but hearing that (as an only child!) wasn't a party.

I never felt particularly liked or understood as a child, there are lots of little examples. But the overall impression I retain is one of my parents making sacrifices for me, large and small (sometimes while reminding me that they were doing so). It led to an odd childhood - I sometimes felt like a prize dog that needed a particular daily regime. As an adult I don't feel they understand me at all, and I think sometimes look at my life with a total lack of understanding but a fair amount of admiration. But I know that if I rang them tomorrow and said that I needed whatever thing, they'd do it - except our relationship is such that honestly I expect I'd sooner turn to literally any other option.

I think that parents in the 70s and 80s were generally less interested in their children than we are today. My parents didn't have a clue where I was or what I was up to generally. I used to do some very dangerous things and Id be horrified if it was my kids; we never went to any after school activities; let ourselves in after school and often got our own tea; only took an interest in school if I asked them to help with a specific thing; left in the pub beer garden while they spent the afternoon in the pub etc. They kind of did their own thing and we had to fit in around it.

Having said all that, I had a very happy childhood where my friends played a bigger part than they do with my own kids. We were playing out on our bikes and had lots of freedom and I loved it. BUT unlike you, I didn't feel unloved or unwanted so there was clearly something in the quality of your relationship with your parents that made you feel like that. My parents were affectionate and I felt loved. If you feel unwanted then that is perfectly valid and they have not acted in a way to make you feel loved. This certainly doesn't make you a "snowflake" (hate that stupid expression anyway)

This made me laugh from the Daily Mash. It's not intended to undermine the way you feel about your parents but it does ring true for a lot of us.

m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10222191398987722&id=1046727921

www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/child-raising-in-the-1970s-a-parents-guide-20210305205937?utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1614963014

I think it's difficult to compare upbringings from the 70s/80s and tbh even the 90s with how things are now.

Things are a lot more child-centric nowadays than they ever were previously so I can see how it might bring up sadness when comparing how people raise children now to how they raised them back then.

I was brought up through the 90s and never had any complaints (and still don't), but equally my mum and dad's lives didn't revolve around me in terms of playing with me, doing family things etc. After the after-school TV finished, it was grown-up watching all evening, not 'family' enjoyment of a film or whatever, and special days out like the zoo, a theme park or the beach would be a couple of times a year - and they genuinely were a treat.

I think you have to look at the wider context as every parent is in some part guided by society and the expectations at the time they are raising their children. Expectations now are generally that the children come first always - not just in terms of needs, but in enjoyment and wants - which just wasn't the thought process back in the 70s/80s/90s.

Funny you say about asking for help as an adult too. My mum has never babysat whereas in laws have had kids for a weekend etc.
I phoned my mum one day as I had put my son down for a nap as a baby and realised my MOT was due. I called the garage and they said they could do it that day as long as I dropped it off straight away. I asked her if she would come over so I didn't have to wake up the baby (she lived about 5 min walk away) and she moaned because she hadn't done her cleaning yet.
That was 7 years ago and I haven't bothered asking since. We have a relationship but I keep her at arms length and don't have any expectations anymore.

@BMHM

I don't mean to undermine your feelings, they are your feelings and therefore valid and justified. BUT...there are a multitude of types of parents as there are a multitude of personality types, and because you feel and parent one way, doesn't mean another way was wrong or indeed that you were an inconvenience.

Your parents provided everything you needed/wanted, drove you all to separate hobbies as that's what you wanted which must have been quite tiring, are intelligent and provided help when you needed it. Sounds good to me. I read so many of these threads and sometimes it feels as though people forgot sometimes (although of course there are exceptions) that parents are only humans. Humans with inherited flaws and trauma of their own. Children are such incredible hard work, they are messy and loud, challenging and tiring amongst the lovely stuff.

I definitely know that I love my children far more than I was ever loved. I didn't find my children hard work, I absolutely loved having them around.

Yes OP I had a similar upbringing. I think my parents probably had a pretty resource scarce upbringing or in my father’s case an actually neglectful upbringing. They definitely achieved more for us than they would have experienced and so would not feel they have done anything wrong in any way. However my eldest brother was a sexual predator and their offhand aloof parenting allowed his behaviour to thrive unchallenged. I think there was just no understanding of children having psychological or emotional needs and so they just tried to do better than their own experiences. Even though in many ways for their time my parents were adequate parents their emotional immaturity and absolute incapability for self reflection means that I don’t have a relationship with them any longer but they were products of their time and their own lacking upbringing.

@Rozziie

In my honest opinion, you're digging to find problems where there aren't any. It sounds like your childhood was absolutely fine. Not every family is the huggy, kissy, close type, it doesn't mean it was neglectful.

My childhood was much worse than yours sounded (my parents constantly rowing, dad with a terrible temper and shouting and swearing at us, both parents too tired from work to take any interest in homework, having to let myself in after school and make my own dinner from age 11, and do my own laundry) and I still consider myself fortunate compared to people who grew up in truly bad situations. My parents were far from perfect, but they did their best. We always had plenty to eat, we always had a secure home to live in, our hobbies and interests were mostly nurtured, our opinions were respected and listened to, we were taught good manners and how to interact with people confidently and to stand up for ourselves.

I think sometimes people who had very stable, happy childhoods tend to nitpick and find problems where there just weren't any. What's the point, really?

Agreed. Digging for problems where there aren't any. You're right. There isn't any point.

I'm turning my attention to recognise good stuff and positivity.

Yes.

Therapy helped.

Interesting thread OP...born in the 60s, last of 3 children. Always felt an inconvenience. 10 years between myself and my sister, 7 years between my brother and I. I absolutely felt I was left alone to raise myself. Attention all on bigger sister who became a missionary at the age of 18 (!). I was never told I was loved and they never spent time with me on my hobbies, just dropped me off and picked me up. Parents were practical parents, fed, watered and meals on the table. Nothing exciting but it was what it was. I now appreciate that I had a good childhood however the childhood my daughter has had is so very very different. I had to learn how to tell her I love her....how crazy is that???? Of course I loved her but when you are raised by parents who do not say this its difficult. We tell each other every single day that we love each other (she's 23) and my parenting style was so far removed from my parents style it is unrecognisable. My daughter and I are so very close, I made sure she had the attention that was lacking in my childhood and feelings are spoken about. Funny thing is, I am with my OH who was born in the 50s and we have been together for 18months and he has never told me he loves me. He displays it in other ways. It feels normal to me. Thats family of origin conditioning for you!

Yes it's interesting. My parents never actually used to tell me that they loved me but I still knew that they did so it didn't seem to matter.

Honestly I do think it's unfair to judge parents of the past by today's parenting standards. I'm one of 6 ( Irish catholic family) and neither of my parents were particularly demonstrative, they would never have told us they were proud of us or that they loved us but they sacrificed loads to send us all to college and loved us in their own way.
I think I'm a better parent to my kids than my mother was to me but I'm sure she thinks she was a better parent than her parents were to her too. Who knows maybe our kids will think we got it all wrong too. I think my parents did the absolute best they could given their background and circumstances and I certainly wouldn't be looking for a apology from them because it would be a huge disservice to them.