Did anyone else have a childhood where they felt like an inconvenience?

[ItsaMinorThing]

Please be kind. I'm feeling pretty shit right now for a number of reasons (have name changed). I'm currently in counselling anyway.

This isn't the severity of the Stately Homes Threads. Or maybe it is?

I have 2 older siblings. I know I was a 'happy accident' raised in the 80s.

I would say we were middle class, normal, nuclear type family. Never ever went without.

BUT

I now have 2 teenagers and it's made me reflect back on my own past. So the other night we were all watching (and belly laughing) at something on TV. I can never think of a time when we had fun as a family.

We did lots of activities and we would get lifts to hobbies, but we were all very 'separate'. Nobody really wanted to spend time together. We sort of existed as housemates. My parents had no interest in who my friends were.

If we needed help with homework then that could be given, but it wouldn't be offered. It would be an inconvenience.

I always felt like I was an inconvenience. There was never any affection or vocal demonstrations of love.

Was this just how it was? Am I being unrealistic? I know there is nothing abusive or even neglectful here but it's just made me rather sad.

It's all valid OP. The mere fact that you started this thread shows that you were a child raised in an environment where you learnt that you were hard work. It doesn't matter what a success you have made of your life, the damage of that childhood message can gnaw away and I am glad to hear you have accessed therapy. Take as much as you can there, also take that stuff about doubting if it was really that bad. It's all so intertwined. Good luck with healing.

Thankyou.

I hadn't really thought about how they were raised but yes definitely by people in WW2, and the trauma that entailed.

I do think it's interesting about apologies. This is absolutely unheard of in my family and yet last week I genuinely apologised to my son about something. It was a purchase he wanted to make - it seemed impulsive and he'd just found the first one he'd come across. I wouldn't let him buy it until I checked it out further. Anyway he was right. It was the correct thing. I bought it and apologised. No drama.

When I was 13 we didn't have Amazon so I can't compare, but hopefully this makes sense.

We were just sort of shooed away. Interesting we were not a shouty household at all. No arguments or stonewalling. More just huffing and eye rolling. 'really? Well yes ok but it'll have to wait'.

I hadn't realised how bloody fragile I am. I really lack self esteem. I feel quite foolish even starting this thread tbh so thankyou all for contributing.

I am really aware of how spoilt I sound whining about this tbh.

I was the child of teenage parents.

Rejected by dad, mum probably would have left me to my grandparents if it was socially acceptable.

I was like a package to be dropped off to school and whoever would look after me.
I was lucky though as my carers loved and nurtured me.

I have a much much younger brother and sister who had a relatively proper upbringing, I became useful as childcare when they were growing up, though I accept it was for work and not pleasure as it was for me.

Now my mum dotes on my DC and cannot understand why I won’t let them stay overnight or at a drop of a hat.

We are not close but there’s a huge backstory for that. I’d be closer to my SD and one of my siblings if not for my mum (she keeps people separate), there’s a mutual fondness with us though.

Overall Ive made my peace with it. There’s no point in discussing it with the her as I’ll never get an apology or acknowledgement that things could have been better.

Have you read The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Phillippa Perry? It's about breaking those cycles, whatever they may be.

I'm quite early into reading it but it sounds like it might be useful to you.

Oh this is me. I'm shocked at how much I love and want to spend time with my children. I never felt this as a child. When I was a child I believed your parents going on holiday abroad without you and not taking you away anywhere was completely normal behaviour.
It weirded me out how friend's parents knew the names of their teachers or who was in their friendship group. Siblings being nice to each other and physically assaulting each other was also very odd to me.

No, you don't sound spoilt! You're processing stuff. That's okay. It's good in fact, in my honest opinion. From processing, comes understanding, and from understanding, can come growth and healing.

For me, I've had to accept, understand, and forgive, and yes, there has been no awareness or apology from my parents. I understand now, that they were genuinely not capable of the insight, or empathy that would have allowed that, and too defensive to be able to accept responsibility.

It's informed my parenting a lot - we're a very loving, open and tactile family, with a lot of laughter and robust communication. A hell of a lot of that comes from DH, because I've been a tad damaged by my upbringing. Okay, a lot. I know I'm far from perfect as a person or a parent, but I try to be open about that, and to apologise when I stuff it up.

@Febo24

Have you read The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Phillippa Perry? It's about breaking those cycles, whatever they may be.

I'm quite early into reading it but it sounds like it might be useful to you.

Oh good shout. Yes I have heard her talk about this and then promptly forgot to order it!

My sibling and I were the product of our father's less happy first marriage. After our mother died our father soon remarried and our stepmum definitely resented having to look after us. My sibling had some additional needs which weren't really understood in the 1970s either which did make things harder. We were definitely an inconvenience. My sibling is a very loving parent. I've struggled more than I thought I would. It's not always easy to give your children everything you didn't get yourself.

My parents were also quite “practical” and hands off and whilst we had everything we needed provided for, never said they loved me and weren’t touchy feely. However, what I feel has made the biggest difference to my feeling loved is that they have been there for me at important times when I’ve needed them - I’ve had a couple of mental health crisis and my mum has come down to stay with me for several days to make sure I eat. They’ve never done childcare for me like many of my friends’ parents, but she came to stay for a week when I went in for emergency spinal surgery, to take care of my dc and help dh.

I wonder whether your parents have “been there” for you?

We were given everything we needed and told we were loved. It was also made abundantly clear just how much easier life without children would be and how much of an inconvenience we were,.

@Stellaroses

My parents were also quite “practical” and hands off and whilst we had everything we needed provided for, never said they loved me and weren’t touchy feely. However, what I feel has made the biggest difference to my feeling loved is that they have been there for me at important times when I’ve needed them - I’ve had a couple of mental health crisis and my mum has come down to stay with me for several days to make sure I eat. They’ve never done childcare for me like many of my friends’ parents, but she came to stay for a week when I went in for emergency spinal surgery, to take care of my dc and help dh.

I wonder whether your parents have “been there” for you?

Interesting that in a total crisis - flat tyre - yes they would step up.

When my marriage broke down, no. Absolutely not. It made my parents very uncomfortable. They didn't help at all.

I had a miscarriage. My dad drove me to the hospital but nothing more, no childcare or help with housework or anything.

I've suffered bouts of depression and they are very much 'old school' that medication/counselling shows weakness... it's not something to discuss openly. It's private and should remain so.

I no longer bother really. I mean when I started taking meds again last year my Mum would just try and sweep it away in a "look at how good your life is..." type way. What have you got to be sad about...

I have downloaded the Philippa Perry book. I really like it. I'm just thinking about some early memories (positive). There definitely are some

By the way OP, I think huffing and eye rolling is a hideous way to treat a child. I had the same and have realised how jealous I was of my best friend who would frequently have shouty arguments with her parents. I would take a shouty argument over huffing and eye rolling any day. I can be huffy and have done eye rolling in the past with my children until I realised how horrible it felt. Now my children pick me up on it if I get huffy.

Yes it's a tight lipped sort of passive aggression.

I have realised that emotional needs were definitely unmet, but there is plenty of good stuff there when I look objectively.

It's really helping just looking attend reflecting. They do have many good qualities and my childhood is long over.

Yes, frequently after I passed the 'little and cute' stage.

I felt like that, I've posted on a similar thread on MN.
My sisters would have a different view on our childhood.
I never felt loved by my parents but they seemed to love my sisters.
Anything went wrong, got broken and it was my fault, no discussion, no evidence needed.
My sister's soon learned to follow suit.
No one ever hugged me, as an adult I now can't bare to be touched or hugged.
I would dread having to mix with other people as my parents would mock or humiliate me and my sisters would join in, I think other adults could see what was going on and would single me out for kind treatment which would make things worse when we got home.
I used to think as a child that if there was a fire they wouldn't rescue me, I used to pay awake at night worrying about the house catching fire and how I would get out.
Still affects me now I'm an adult, pathetic really.
Some people shouldn't have kids.

@Dizzy1234 that's heartbreaking. How are things now?

I think we all have to accept that love is shown in different ways and the ‘modern’ way of parenting asks a huge amount of parents and we don’t really know yet if this does result in happier children.

Your parents sound emotionally distant but generally decent parents. Perhaps you need to accept that you won’t get what you need emotionally from them, you need to get it elsewhere

I don’t think they owe you an apology for this, I just think that you need more than they can give.

Clearly they should have supported you during your marriage break up but this can be a difficult subject for that generation

@merrygoround88 totally agree

I am not sure previous generations spent much time thinking about parenting styles, the practical things in life took up more time. Fewer women worked outside the home or had independence, fewer men had a role in parenting . It was a very different world. I have feelings about my childhood and wish the relationships were different and I have felt angry but what is the point really . They were just people doing their best. I am sure my children will have something to say about how I have been as a parent. I am not perfect. I don't know why you apologised to your son for checking out his purchase. It was good to check and give it the ok. Dont hold yourself to too high standards as that isn't good either necessarily and apparently makes children feel they can't make mistakes.

Each time I said my throat hurt my father would say "not again" like I'd got a sore throat just to make life inconvenient for everyone
This really strikes a chord with me because I was such a sickly child and it felt like when I was unwell I was putting it on or similar. I always remember relief when I got a prescription after a GP visit because it ‘proved’ I was telling the truth. I remember having thrush so many times as a child. It’s one of my most vivid memories. I can only image I remember it so clearly because it was so uncomfortable and frequent.

I digress. OP, what I have learnt from my emotionally and physically shit childhood it how not to parent. I have so much patience with my children. I never hit them. I believe them when they are ill and I tell them I love them even when they are ‘naughty’ because I never want them to have memories like mine.

I never ask my parents for anything and I never allow them to let me or my DC down. They never ‘ask’ to see my DC and I only facilitate this at birthdays and Christmas so my DC think they have a relationship. They don’t really but I’m happy with the current arrangement as it protects all of us from them.

@Sleepingdogs12

I am not sure previous generations spent much time thinking about parenting styles, the practical things in life took up more time. Fewer women worked outside the home or had independence, fewer men had a role in parenting . It was a very different world. I have feelings about my childhood and wish the relationships were different and I have felt angry but what is the point really . They were just people doing their best. I am sure my children will have something to say about how I have been as a parent. I am not perfect. I don't know why you apologised to your son for checking out his purchase. It was good to check and give it the ok. Dont hold yourself to too high standards as that isn't good either necessarily and apparently makes children feel they can't make mistakes.

I don't think I articulated it well. I accused him of being impulsive and that he hadn't researched it. He said his friend x had that item. I don't believe him. I checked with x's mum and my son was correct.

I was just embarrassed that he was right and I was wrong.

Agree though about nobody had any kind of model.

As I said upthread it was a job, and they succeeded in that job.

I'm just clumsily untangling my thoughts!