Pregnant and boyfriend is acting up

[mumb3]

I'm a mum of two with a previous partner, and 8 weeks pregnant with 3rd with my partner of three years. He's always had his issues with drink and drugs. It's not every day or even every week but for the most part of our relationship his bad habits have caused us problems. He is a compulsive liar, extremely self centred as seems to change his priorities and personality faster than the seasons. We have had amazing times where he shows me loads of interest and priorities me and the family and is adamant he wants to settle then he can change at the click of a finger and be off somewhere lying to me drinking with his mates and not care how his actions may upset me. Anyway tonight he went to his brothers to play darts. He told me he'd be back by 8:30 latest and to makes sure if I had my as he put it "fat friend" over to make sure she was gone before that time so he could chill. Anyway I didn't invite her over as by time my girls were in bed it wouldn't be worth her time coming over. Come 9pm he wasn't gone no text or anything so I rang his brothers partner whom I'm close with to put him on. I asked his intentions as I'm tired and want to go to bed and lock up an as I've not been sleeping well I don't want to b woken up to let him in (he's lost his key in he last day or so and hasn't bothered to get another cut). He cut me off trying to talk to him and said I'm playing darts and put the phone down on me. Anyway about 10:15 he rang asking if door open and got moody when I said well it was at half 8 but now you've woken me up so I'll have to. When he came in I tried to speak to him and raise my concerns about his behaviour and consideration of my feelings and he just kept saying can't be ar*ed to speak. And kept rolling his eyes like I was out of order. There's been several incidents like this in the last few weeks, this by comparison was mild one time he didn't come home or answer at all and I didn't know where he was and he then rang at 9am the next day for a lift home from his friends and got nasty when I said absolutely not! Also this week we had arranged to go carp fishing together something I paid all the money for the equipment for and I enjoy. I planned the trip and we invited his friend and brother who we have been with a few times before But yesterday he turned round and said I've changed my mind I don't want to go with you now We've invited my other friend and proceeded to call me pathetic and jelous and controlling when I got upset over it. Anyway back to tonight, so he got annoyed at me trying to talk to I'm got dressed again and went to leave, i asked to talk first and expressed how anxious I am and he just kept saying get the keys now or your locking me in over and over and it drove me insane. I got the keys unlocked the door and he went to a neighbours flat (bloke) to carry on drinkinG and hasn't answered since. I'm so scared to be having his child. I love him, I don't want to loose him and see him move on and not care but at the same time I wish I could just leave him and forget he ever existed wipe away any emotion or feeling I have towards him. I'm so scared to leave because I don't want to feel the pain and go through the grieving process. I have emotional receptor issues so when I feel sad for instance it consumes my whole body and it's so debilitating on times. I can't take my usual medication during pregnancy. I guess at advice would be welcome sorry it's so long and all over the place, it mirrors how all over he place my head is at the moment. Also want to note that I have zero family and his are mostly narcissistic types and all self loving and self centred, every one should love us and fear us and want to be us types of families! Thanks in advance

There are also ways to establish contact (contact centres etc) where the child will be safe during contact even if he was afforded visitation (I really hope the courts wouldn’t allow this though!) without her having to be with him, allowing her to have her own choices re termination and also giving her time to work on herself re the freedom programme etc. Though as I said the court and visitation stuff is outside of my scope of life experience.

I think my suggestions were the best of a bad situation if I am honest.

There are also ways to establish contact (contact centres etc)

Which are lovely for the children. In fact it’s what most children dream of- to spend weekends travelling to a contact centre to see their abusive druggy dad.

where the child will be safe during contact even if he was afforded visitation (I really hope the courts wouldn’t allow this though!)

Contact centre won’t even be an option unless he does something to harm OP or the child and it is reported to the police. It will be mediation and then a court order for contact. He’ll likely get every other weekend access at his home.

Why have you let your children be around a lying POS that has a problem with drugs and alcohol? Put them first and kick him out.

Which are lovely for the children. In fact it’s what most children dream of- to spend weekends travelling to a contact centre to see their abusive druggy dad.

Nor do they dream of living part time with him, this dangerous man and that is far worse.

Tell you what. How about you choose from the following two options, given you know everything about childhood traumas.

A child sees its father in a contact centre. It isn’t perfect, but it is safe, and a legal route to keep her safe and able to go back to a loving home (presuming the mother gets some help)

Or

A child regularly watches her mum beaten horrifically, watches her being wheeled out by paramedics throwing up pills, and way more.

I know which I would have preferred as a child..

Anyway I think you’re just being goady with me now, trying to force this into the only option being termination. You’re purposely looking to all the ways that the father and even a safe contact centre are the worst things ever, and termination the only possibility- with no thought for the in between stuff that will help the mother and child.

I don’t know what you hope to gain from continuing to post on my ideas and advice to.. kinda dismiss my opinion as not valid. I don’t know what I said to upset you, but lay off me. Because the fact is that there is NO perfect answer or fix to this situation. So I can only advise based on my experience. And I think it’s the best option short of an unwanted termination. I’m all for pro choice- but this is not her choice!

I’m not sorry for not wanting to pile on to the op further with bullying her over a termination she doesn’t want.

I don’t know what you hope to gain from continuing to post on my ideas and advice to.. kinda dismiss my opinion as not valid. I don’t know what I said to upset you, but lay off me

I responded to one post. Once. That’s it. That’s the only time I engaged you at all. Are you confusing me for someone else?

LadyInParis
I mentioned that he would be able to have contact with the child because you mentioned keeping the child away from him.

I thought it was important to point out that this is not possible as not everyone realises this.

In no way did I mean to make light of your supporting the OP in wanting to keep the baby.

@ScrollingLeaves

Oh yes definitely I understand! That’s why I said I have no experience at all re contact and other things. I know it’s not so easy in real life. Thank you for being so kind! You’re right about it. It’s going to be difficult either way isn’t it no matter the choice.

I feel sad for this horrible situation. I wonder if it’s triggering my thoughts about my mum more than I realised! I think it’s time for bed. This subject is awful and I’m a little angry at the op now, for all these people trying to help whether it be harsh, or those like me who it’s brought out past feeling- and therefore we advised based on that and opened up about quite dark pasts to try to help her; I think she’s not coming back.

Pfft time for me to bow out. Sorry for the mistakes I made re responding to wrong people- it came one after another pretty much so it seemed like a continuation of the other poster rather than two separate posters. This topic got to me.

Good night all

@LadyInParis. Take care.

You know he wouldn't be there for the baby if you split... Why would you want to be with someone who won't even love his own child?

@mumb3

Sorry forgot to put that a termination is outdo the question for me. While we were taking precautions to prevent this I will absolutely be keeping. Everything happens for a reason. Should also note that if we aren't together I am almost 100% sure he won't be there for the baby anyway so I'll be doing it alone.

The only 'reason' things happen is because of people's choices.

I think you need to prepare for single parenthood. You don't need that waste of space in your life at all.

I'd have a termination even though it'd break my heart. But I'd put my existing kids first.

Everything happens for a reason? No, everything happens as a result of our actions and decisions.

Good luck.

“What happened to women supporting women?” “Be kind”? Get a grip. Why should anyone who treats their children this way be supported? If you can’t keep away from scumbags who are dangerous to your children but having a termination is out of the question for you then don’t get fucking pregnant.

Because @MiddleParking sometimes empathy can help someone realise more than being told how horrible they are and how shit they are. She clearly came on here for help. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't come back now due to some of these replies.

There is a way of saying something. Not everything has to be said in a blunt and nasty way to get your point across or to make it stand out.

@MiddleParking

“What happened to women supporting women?” “Be kind”? Get a grip. Why should anyone who treats their children this way be supported? If you can’t keep away from scumbags who are dangerous to your children but having a termination is out of the question for you then don’t get fucking pregnant.

Harsh but true.

Gentle phrasing isn’t equal to empathy. Empathy is actually why lots of people are speaking harshly to an adult who refuses to put their tiny children’s safety and stability above their sex life.