Pregnant and boyfriend is acting up

[mumb3]

I'm a mum of two with a previous partner, and 8 weeks pregnant with 3rd with my partner of three years. He's always had his issues with drink and drugs. It's not every day or even every week but for the most part of our relationship his bad habits have caused us problems. He is a compulsive liar, extremely self centred as seems to change his priorities and personality faster than the seasons. We have had amazing times where he shows me loads of interest and priorities me and the family and is adamant he wants to settle then he can change at the click of a finger and be off somewhere lying to me drinking with his mates and not care how his actions may upset me. Anyway tonight he went to his brothers to play darts. He told me he'd be back by 8:30 latest and to makes sure if I had my as he put it "fat friend" over to make sure she was gone before that time so he could chill. Anyway I didn't invite her over as by time my girls were in bed it wouldn't be worth her time coming over. Come 9pm he wasn't gone no text or anything so I rang his brothers partner whom I'm close with to put him on. I asked his intentions as I'm tired and want to go to bed and lock up an as I've not been sleeping well I don't want to b woken up to let him in (he's lost his key in he last day or so and hasn't bothered to get another cut). He cut me off trying to talk to him and said I'm playing darts and put the phone down on me. Anyway about 10:15 he rang asking if door open and got moody when I said well it was at half 8 but now you've woken me up so I'll have to. When he came in I tried to speak to him and raise my concerns about his behaviour and consideration of my feelings and he just kept saying can't be ar*ed to speak. And kept rolling his eyes like I was out of order. There's been several incidents like this in the last few weeks, this by comparison was mild one time he didn't come home or answer at all and I didn't know where he was and he then rang at 9am the next day for a lift home from his friends and got nasty when I said absolutely not! Also this week we had arranged to go carp fishing together something I paid all the money for the equipment for and I enjoy. I planned the trip and we invited his friend and brother who we have been with a few times before But yesterday he turned round and said I've changed my mind I don't want to go with you now We've invited my other friend and proceeded to call me pathetic and jelous and controlling when I got upset over it. Anyway back to tonight, so he got annoyed at me trying to talk to I'm got dressed again and went to leave, i asked to talk first and expressed how anxious I am and he just kept saying get the keys now or your locking me in over and over and it drove me insane. I got the keys unlocked the door and he went to a neighbours flat (bloke) to carry on drinkinG and hasn't answered since. I'm so scared to be having his child. I love him, I don't want to loose him and see him move on and not care but at the same time I wish I could just leave him and forget he ever existed wipe away any emotion or feeling I have towards him. I'm so scared to leave because I don't want to feel the pain and go through the grieving process. I have emotional receptor issues so when I feel sad for instance it consumes my whole body and it's so debilitating on times. I can't take my usual medication during pregnancy. I guess at advice would be welcome sorry it's so long and all over the place, it mirrors how all over he place my head is at the moment. Also want to note that I have zero family and his are mostly narcissistic types and all self loving and self centred, every one should love us and fear us and want to be us types of families! Thanks in advance

@StephenBelafonte
I take no pleasure in it.
I also think that @SleepySundays has a point.

Over the years on MN, it is utterly heartbreaking to read the experiences of posters who grew up in an environment where their mother's waster boyfriend's were always the top priority.

The OP has written that she has two children, and that there has always been and issue with drink, drugs, and compulsive lying with this waster.

Why would anyone knowingly want a man like that in their lives?, not to mind be around their little children?
Who would choose that?

So yes, sadly, when I read on here some of the stories from posters of how hard their childhoods were, I think termination can be a better option.

Children are only taken away in horrific circumstances.
It really is stacked against some children.

It's not just the mothers fault.
They often come from very tough backgrounds where they too weren't a priority.

I just feel so sorry for children in this situation.

Very tough situations all round, but one where the children's voices aren't heard at all.

@wildnightswildnights

She's just said she definitley doesn't want a termination yet you all keep banging on about it. Why are you trying to change her mind when she's expressly said she doesn't want to? It's her body and her choice. Some people simply don't want to terminate whether you lot like it or not. The judgemental 'why didn't you use contraception' replies piss me off too.

OP you absolutely need to get rid of this wanker, but don't be bullied into a termination by strangers on the Internet.

You do owe it to your children and yourself to leave this waste of space and live a better life - try to find someone who can support you through this. It will be difficult at first but you will never , ever look back.

Agree. A poster talks about appalling male behaviour at a time when she is vulnerable due to health, pregnancy and having no family, and it is used as an excuse to berate her for deciding to proceed with her pregnancy. Not to mention the attack on her parenting. Do you all not think she has enough to contend with without your attempts to make her feel worse? So much for women supporting other women.

@wildnightswildnights

She's just said she definitley doesn't want a termination yet you all keep banging on about it. Why are you trying to change her mind when she's expressly said she doesn't want to? It's her body and her choice. Some people simply don't want to terminate whether you lot like it or not. The judgemental 'why didn't you use contraception' replies piss me off too.

OP you absolutely need to get rid of this wanker, but don't be bullied into a termination by strangers on the Internet.

You do owe it to your children and yourself to leave this waste of space and live a better life - try to find someone who can support you through this. It will be difficult at first but you will never , ever look back.

Yeah OP, don't get bullied into taking a sensible course of action whatever you do

She's just said she definitley doesn't want a termination yet you all keep banging on about it. Why are you trying to change her mind when she's expressly said she doesn't want to? It's her body and her choice.

I'd go to the barricades for her choice. Doesn't mean it's not blindingly stupid and selfish.

Its not a matter of whether the option is sensible (to you) or not. The point is the OP has already considered and rejected the option, so it serves no purpose to keep repeating it.
Pushing an unwanted option at someone repeatedly and piling on with judgement, often in very harsh terms, when the person rejects that option is bullying.

@billy1966

Your posts and words really resonated with me. I was that child. My mum ended up killing herself. Her abusive tosser of her husband.

In her note- “I couldn’t live with him, I couldn’t live without him. The kids will be better off.”

Well- there aren’t words are there really?

Op don’t stay with this man

Is it really in the OP's best interests or that of her children to say, crack on, have , have 5, more children with wasters.

Whilst never, ever reflecting on the shit show that is your children's lives, being surrounded by drinkers, druggy's and compulsive liar's.

It's not about shaming, it's about asking a woman with two children, to think about them, and their little lives and what it must be like for them.

Just for one small minute to think about them before the OP has another!

@billy1966

Is it really in the OP's best interests or that of her children to say, crack on, have , have 5, more children with wasters.

Whilst never, ever reflecting on the shit show that is your children's lives, being surrounded by drinkers, druggy's and compulsive liar's.

It's not about shaming, it's about asking a woman with two children, to think about them, and their little lives and what it must be like for them.

Just for one small minute to think about them before the OP has another!

This this and THIS. I have scars on my arms from the self loathing that my life created for me- I wasn’t able to control any of it. I was a child! I’m all for girl power but.. At the same time- I know that pain of being that child as I am sure many of you on here do too.

I'm very sorry but I would not bring a child into this. I'd get a termination and get as far from this abusive waster addict as possible.

Taking precautions my arse - you were and still are actively trying to tie yourself to this piece of shit, or trying to force him to be a better human being. It won't work. Put your poor kids first and get some therapy - you really need it if you think this is any way to live your life.

[quote LadyInParis]@billy1966

Is it really in the OP's best interests or that of her children to say, crack on, have , have 5, more children with wasters.

Whilst never, ever reflecting on the shit show that is your children's lives, being surrounded by drinkers, druggy's and compulsive liar's.

It's not about shaming, it's about asking a woman with two children, to think about them, and their little lives and what it must be like for them.

Just for one small minute to think about them before the OP has another!

This this and THIS. I have scars on my arms from the self loathing that my life created for me- I wasn’t able to control any of it. I was a child! I’m all for girl power but.. At the same time- I know that pain of being that child as I am sure many of you on here do too.[/quote]
I'm so, so sorry for the choices made by the adults around you. You were utterly let down and it's so unfair

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Thank you. That’s so kind! I’m not saying what the op should do re termination or not. It brought up some very interesting thoughts for me I’ll tell you that! Had my mum terminated would it have been better? I can’t answer that. I think so.

But she should (op) leave this man permanently and not have the baby have any contact at all. At the least. And I mean no contact- forever. And get herself some counselling, freedom program, counselling- the lot. To ensure it never ever happens again. Ever.

My “father” and my “step father” were equally to blame in destroying my life and my self esteem. So to leave this man isn’t enough- op you need help to recognise abuse and to overcome being reeled in as best as you can. For your kids.

Believe me- they see hear and feel things that you wouldn’t even imagine. Young children I mean.

@LadyInParis

I wrestle with that too as I'm adopted and often wonder if my birth mother would have felt more peace with her decision had she been able to terminate but she was from a super catholic family and it wasn't an option to her. I think it says a lot about us (positively) that we can consider it from every angle despite having had such difficult times.

I was lucky to be adopted from care to safety and so wish you had been to. You deserved to and I carry guilt that I was one of the lucky ones and as a teen / young woman thought that other things that happened to me afterwards were some sort of penance for my prior luck.

I hope you can find peace and happiness now but don't ever feel you have to forgive or excuse adults letting you down in order to move on. Forgiveness doesn't bring peace to everyone and I think power can come from acknowledging that. People who say you must forgive to move on often don't understand what we have been through.

Sorry to me-rail the thread but I just wanted you to know you didn't deserve it and that people who put men before their kids should understand the damage that does in both the short and long term.

Sending you much love

@LadyInParis
It is posts like yours that are so impactful to people like me.

Utterly heartbreaking.

I recall hearing years ago some child specialist saying something that I have never forgotten...basically.."a happy, loving childhood is carried so very lightly by an adult, whilst a traumatic, abusive childhood is a weight that never manages to be fully left behind.

I'm para-phrasing.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

Sorry but I really do not agree with all the posters piling pressure on about why not have an abortion. This is absolutely none of your business what she does about her baby and it's not the babies fault the dad is an absolute prick. She can still have the baby and not be with this absolute weapon. She's already said it's not an option so leave that part be. And no I'm against abortion either before anyone starts but it is HER decision.

To the OP I seriously hope you do leave this waste of skin. He'll be absolutely worse once you do have the baby as he will think he has you trapped. Can you possibly leave him before you give birth? There is not one redeeming feature you've mentioned. He does not respect you at all. This must be putting immense pressure on you during pregnancy. Imagine how calm you feel knowing you don't have to deal with him on a day to day basis. Think of your children you have already too. They don't deserve this mess of a man in their lives too. You can do this and you deserve peace and happiness. Have you got support from a health worker or your gp? Someone will help you if you reach out for it.

Sometimes I think kindness is forgotten on this forum and some people think you have to be harsh just to get a message across. Sometimes empathy goes a long way. Remember you are speaking to another human. Imagine if someone spoke to you like that.

@yovegottenminuteslynn

Thank you. Your words re guilt, and your pain comes through and does resonate with me too- I think as @billy1966 put it “whilst a traumatic, abusive childhood is a weight that never manages to be fully left behind”. This is so very very true- so I think people who have had difficult childhoods in any way, always blame themselves. God knows I do! We always find ways to blame ourselves. We twist ourselves into pretzels trying to blame ourselves.

It isn’t your fault @yovegottenminuteslynn

Though it’s easy for me to say to someone else, be kind to someone else of course!

@billy1966

Your last post was, well it left me speechless really. It’s an extremely sad way to describe it. Yet the most stunningly accurate too, it is a weight. One I feel every day that it exhausts me beyond belief. I’m 33! I feel 93.

Op- maybe this will give you some insight and strength? I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I’m sure you aren’t a bad person- my mum wasn’t either. She was just very broken. Please make the right choices now, and you can I am sure you can

@Opaljewel

Sometimes I think kindness is forgotten on this forum and some people think you have to be harsh just to get a message across. Sometimes empathy goes a long way. Remember you are speaking to another human. Imagine if someone spoke to you like that.

Those poor kids are certainly not being treated with kindness by having this abusive addict in their lives and living with them. And by having a child with him, the OP ensures that he'll always be in hers and their lives.

@Opaljewel

Sometimes I think kindness is forgotten on this forum and some people think you have to be harsh just to get a message across. Sometimes empathy goes a long way. Remember you are speaking to another human. Imagine if someone spoke to you like that.

I don’t think that’s the case? People have also bared their private pasts to help the op, to see the real consequences. Not everyone has been harsh. Some have been, yes. But you can’t regulate others responses to such emotive topics as this im afraid. I hope the op comes back and sees the more gentler replies though. And gets some strength from it. Certainly wish someone had been more harsh with my mum! So.. real human beings are also behind their computers giving “harsh” advice - with their past traumas and whatnot. That’s life no?

Another one here saying please reconsider a termination. It’s not an easy decision but one you should feel think strongly about for many reasons.

Everything does not happen for a reason that's just your excuse.

I can't be bothered to write a long response, some posters have gave great advice.

LadyinParis “ And I mean no contact- forever”

Unfortunately, even though the OP could leave the relationship and not put the father on the birth certificate so he will not have parental rights, if he were to apply to court, he would get them. Then he would have the right to contact. His lying and drug use would make no difference. So the OP would have to hope he wouldn’t bother.

What exactly do you want us to say OP?

I pity you having such low standards such as this.

Dreadful.

Goes without saying. LTB.

@ScrollingLeaves

LadyinParis “ And I mean no contact- forever”

Unfortunately, even though the OP could leave the relationship and not put the father on the birth certificate so he will not have parental rights, if he were to apply to court, he would get them. Then he would have the right to contact. His lying and drug use would make no difference. So the OP would have to hope he wouldn’t bother.

Yep. He could very easily make sure he is very much in OPs life (and her existing DCs lives, and her future partner’s lives) forever if she has his child.

Well what would you like me to say? Have a termination you don’t want? I’m not going to say that.

Nor am I going to recommend she does anything to help her partner become a dysfunctional father to their coming child.

What else can I say? I have given my advice and you have given yours.

Of course life isn’t so black and white as my advice- of course he could seek visitation etc. But that’s beyond my scope of life experience so I can’t comment on that. I was the child in this situation.

I also suggested she do many things to help herself- freedom programme, counselling etc.

What else can I advise? I agree with you that he could make a fuss and get visitation.

I was trying to help somebody- without going over the termination thing all over again. That somebody had come on here needing support- and got that as a recurring response. I don’t think it’s helpful to her.

Subsequently- it isn’t helpful to the children here either