'Friends with benefits'

[truthseeker978]

I appear to have become embroiled in a FWB situation which is almost a year old now.

Is FWB just another way of saying you aren't ready to commit, or you don't like someone enough to go that extra step?

We have a very strong physical attraction and chemistry and a good time together sexually which makes ending it difficult but I do want and need more than this arrangement can give me. Not sure what to do or what I'm asking but has anyone else been in this and how did it end/progress if it did?

For background, I'm 18 months out of a long marriage, with two kids. This has been a good chance to experiment with someone else as DH was my first and only partner.

FWB situations don't usually turn into a relationship though I'm sure a few people will be along soon to say it worked for them.

Do you want a relationship with this particular person or are you wanting to find someone else to start a relationship with? It's not clear from your post.

If you want more from this FWB then talk to them and see where they are at and if they say they don't want more then end it.
It was fun while it lasted, you had good sex, it was helpful after the break up of your marriage and now you want to move on.

If you can't see yourself in a relationship with this person but want to be in one, then tell them and look for someone else who meets your needs.

I've had a few fwbs.

They worked for me because I didn't want a proper relationship at all or, although there was an attraction, there was something about them that meant I didn't want a relationship with them.

I also found myself in an fwb situation but very quickly realised it didn't suit me because I didn't want that at the time so I ended it.

Don't continue with it if you want more or are hoping it will change because the likelihood is that is won't and you will be hurt by it.

Did a fwb and had fun but finished it as it isn't really me. And whilst being with him, I wasn't really available to anyone else. After finishing it I met a lovely guy. Really glad I didn't carry on.

If he wanted to I probably would date him and see how things went.

FWB is intended to mean that there will be no commitment ever and, probably, that the sex will end if and when a romantic partner enters the scene.

It’s NOT a label for the early stage of a relationship when you’re getting to know each other and don’t yet know whether it will develop into something long-term.

But if you want something more, why not float the idea? If he says no, you can decide whether FWB still suits you or whether you need to end it and look for someone who’s interested in a full relationship.

FWB doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t like each other enough - but it can. I had a long running FWB for 10 years, it was great. We saw each other maybe 3/4 times a year if we were both single, dated other people in between, and had great sex when we met up. We’d also go on day trips and hang out so there was a friendship there but we weren’t best pals. With him, it definitely was that I didn’t like him enough to want more (and the feeling was mutual I think), but he was and still is the best lover I’ve had. But if he’d asked for a proper relationship I’d have said no. We could go for months without speaking and he’d barely cross my mind. It was exactly the right kind of connection for a FWB.

Some people you just click with in the right way, like him and I, to make a casual situation work, but others you’ll find yourself developing feelings for - I think it really depends on the person and what you want in life. If you want more with this guy you need to tell him but be prepared that he doesn’t feel the same.

To be brutally honest there's a part of me that wonders am I even ready for another relationship and all that would mean having kids to think about.. and maybe it's why I'm allowing this fwb thing to continue even though it causes me equal parts pleasure and stress/anxiety... I'm picking someone who isn't available because I myself am not?...

I also struggle with the boundaries. Do you text them much or is this too needy? Do you ask for emotional support - probably not he's not my partner or boyfriend.. I do find it weird and probably that indicates it's not right for me? Or is it just adjusting to things after a long term relationship?

I had a FWB - a woman older than me. It was great and the sex was amazing. But she got the feels and was gutted when I ended it. I suspect she even tried to get pregnant by me.

I don't regret it from my side but do wish it never happened as it caused her a lot of hurt, which was very sad. She went on to have a string of failed relationships and last time I saw her she was a pathetic alcoholic.

Moral - whatever you agree upfront there is always a serious danger one of you gets the feels when the other doesn't - is it worth the risk?

" But she got the feels".

What gave her that idea?

"and last time I saw her she was a pathetic alcoholic".

You sound like a dick.

My moral - she should have stayed away from you. Funny how her life spiralled after you had been in it!

Mine ended when he found a proper girlfriend, and it hurt! It can only work if neither of you want anything more, I was foolish and hoped mine would develop feelings for me over time, he didn't. I find if I'm sleeping with someone and I like them enough to do that regularly then I start to get attached, I won't ever do it again. If you think feelings are developing you need to have the conversation to avoid either side getting hurt.

@MyAltAccount that is sad..... I'm not sure it is worth it in all honesty but once you've entered into one I'm finding it's not so easy to get out of it again. I haven't exactly got a line of alternative suitors queuing at my door and online dating is full of guys I don't find remotely attractive at all... so yeah, it's not easy.

Another damn, wanton woman falling in love with me, trying to fall pregnant with my lovechild, then spiralling into self-destruction when I finally and dramatically reject her. The trials and tribulations of men and their penises.

I got out of a horrid long term sexless relationship that left my confidence shattered and me adamant I was going to focus on progressing my career (took a back seat for ex) and just be single for a bit.

Had a friend within our group who I ended up sharing a twin room with when we went to the world's most expensive destination wedding to avoid paying single supplements... after a few drinks on the second night we had sex and it was epic for both of us. Utterly filthy but with no risk of judgement because we weren't planning on dating.

We very quietly were friends with benefits off and on for about three years. He is a lovely guy but needs to be a white knight for his partner. If we'd dated he'd have driven me nuts with that. As it was we had a lot of fun, but when of us met someone we thought we might want to be in a relationship with we cooled things off - still saw each other in the wider group but as friends.

Things ended permanently when I met DH. We still see him (and his now wife - I was his best woman at his wedding) every couple of months - or did pre-covid. He was exactly what I needed at that point in my life and the four of us are good friends, DC get on well etc.

I appreciate we might not be the norm though. The key thing was we were both utterly honest at all points of the process - both with each other and then now DH and my friend's DW.

I ended up marrying my fwb, after a few years we realised we were jealous of each other seeing other people - but I do realise that this is rare and I believe more often than not fwb situations don’t progress into a relationship. If you want to date him (and your happy to risk the fact that he might not be interested in more) than you should ask him if he’s interested in dating you and see what happens. Although you do run the risk of that ruining what you already have if he is only interested in having sex with you and he doesn’t want anything deeper

I've had two wonderful FWBs relationships with two lovely ladies. The first was with a lady like me that didn't want anything more.

The second started the same but she developed feeling and we had to stop.

@KatherineofOregon

" But she got the feels".

What gave her that idea?

"and last time I saw her she was a pathetic alcoholic".

You sound like a dick.

My moral - she should have stayed away from you. Funny how her life spiralled after you had been in it!

Charming. Let's dissect your ignorant little spewing of idiocracy, point by point:-

What gave her that idea?
I can only assume you intended to say 'What gave me that idea?' Well, she told me. Really, as simple as that. She said she loved me and wanted us to stay together. I'd take that as her getting the feels wouldn't you say or maybe you can use your obviously superior intellect here to educate me as to why it means something completely different?

and last time I saw her she was a pathetic alcoholic".
You sound like a dick.

Pathetic - "arousing pity, especially through vulnerability or sadness."

She was very thin, had lost her driving license, and was walking 4 miles each day to the pub where she drunk herself into oblivion. She would then come home and drink a couple of bottles of wine before passing out. When the money got tight she dispensed with the pub and made the short journey to the local shop to buy her bottle of Vodka for the day. She had a boyfriend who was terminally ill with Liver problems caused through drink. He was murdered on her doorstep - shot in front of her.

And this little 'dick head' as you so charmingly referred to me as, long after we broke up would provide support to her, a shoulder to cry on, payment for re-hab, a 24-hour on-call service to stop her committing suicide. All whilst I was raising my young family.

Of course, there is a second definition of Pathetic: - "miserably inadequate; of very low standard."

I can see you're much more acquainted with this one.

I think because generally, and i say generally, not speaking for all women, women equate sex with love , emotion and connection. Men generally equate sex with... err sex! As i have got older i can now differentiate between the two and effectively " cut off " accordingly. When i was younger i could not do this.

@MyAltAccount to refer to a previous fwb sexual partner, who after all is someones sister, someones daughter and maybe someones mother but more importantly a human being , that you previously had a sexual relationship with, now as a " pathetic alcoholic" is disgusting and devoid of any emotion. That one comment speaks volumes about who you really are. That one comment tells me who yr fwb was really involved with. I doubt she knew as i suspect you gave her the " feels".

Maybe you should look at why you need FWB's and cannot sustain a traditional longterm relationship?
And your use of the word "feels" is something my 15 yr old son would say.

Your ex fwb will overcome her demons and rebuild her life. You sweetheart, clearly need to work on yr own reluctancy to attach issues and your disrespect of people in general and lack of compassion. Unless of course you are now happily married, in which case what a fish your wife has caught! But, like all fish, the ones that are not fully grown or rotten, get thrown back into the sea when all the sorting has been done.

@MyAltAccount sounds like you enjoy putting women in their place and questioning their mental stability just because they don't agree with you. I think @KatherineofOregon was probably right in her first summary 😉

@MyAltAccount, I think you might be on the wrong forum. Misogyny 101 is that way. >>

@KatherineofOregon

I think because generally, and i say generally, not speaking for all women, women equate sex with love , emotion and connection. Men generally equate sex with... err sex! As i have got older i can now differentiate between the two and effectively " cut off " accordingly. When i was younger i could not do this.

@MyAltAccount to refer to a previous fwb sexual partner, who after all is someones sister, someones daughter and maybe someones mother but more importantly a human being , that you previously had a sexual relationship with, now as a " pathetic alcoholic" is disgusting and devoid of any emotion. That one comment speaks volumes about who you really are. That one comment tells me who yr fwb was really involved with. I doubt she knew as i suspect you gave her the " feels".

Maybe you should look at why you need FWB's and cannot sustain a traditional longterm relationship?
And your use of the word "feels" is something my 15 yr old son would say.

Your ex fwb will overcome her demons and rebuild her life. You sweetheart, clearly need to work on yr own reluctancy to attach issues and your disrespect of people in general and lack of compassion. Unless of course you are now happily married, in which case what a fish your wife has caught! But, like all fish, the ones that are not fully grown or rotten, get thrown back into the sea when all the sorting has been done.

@KatherineofOregon

I am a happily married man of 23 years with two beautiful children who are both happy and well-grounded. I might be speaking out of turn here but my wife is happy with this 'rotten fish'

Before I was married I had a single serious relationship of 5 years which unfortunately didn't workout. However, I'm still friends with her and thoroughly enjoyed her wedding and children's christenings. I'll be sure to ask her which species of rotten fish she thinks I am when we have them around for supper, after lockdown.

My FWB was a fling after this first relationship where we both needed company of the opposite sex; no strings attached by mutual agreement.

Once our relationship, was over I supported her through thick and thin - classic rotten fish behaviour I'm sure you'll agree. Want to know why we split? Well sweetie, maybe it was something to do with her increased drinking and the violent person she became. My fault, obviously.

Your ex fwb will overcome her demons and rebuild her life.
Unfortunately, this is not possible - can you guess why?

Sadly, you seem incapable of understanding that one word can actually have two meanings.

@MyAltAccount " I can only assume you intended to say 'What gave me that idea?"

No, that is not what i said at all. Do not ASSUME EVER EVER to SPEAK ON MY BEHALF. You DO NOT speak for me. I post what i am free to do. That is absolutely not what i intended to say at all and that is not what i actually said. Your passive aggressive forceful misleading wording trying to bully me will not work on me darlin because i am not afraid of you.

"Well, she told me. Really, as simple as that. She said she loved me and wanted us to stay together. I'd take that as her getting the feels wouldn't you say or maybe yoobviously superior intellect here to educate me as to why it means something completely different?"

Well, quite unbelievably she had fallen in love with you.

">> and last time I saw her she was a pathetic alcoholic".

You sound like a dick."

Your new post reassures me of that.

"Pathetic - "arousing pity, especially through vulnerability or sadness."

I agree. Having sex with anyone who is vulnerable or sad is abusive.

"She was very thin, had lost her driving license, and was walking 4 miles each day to the pub where she drunk herself into oblivion. She would then come home and drink a couple of bottles of wine before passing out. When the money got tight she dispensed with the pub and made the short journey to the local shop to buy her bottle of Vodka for the day. She had a boyfriend who was terminally ill with Liver problems caused through drink. He was murdered on her doorstep - shot in front of her".

If true , that is a a horrendous for anyone to experience. My thoughts and prayers are with all those affected.

"And this little 'dick head' as you so charmingly referred to me as, "

I actually called you a dick not a dick head.

"long after we broke up would provide support to her, a shoulder to cry on, payment for re-hab, a 24-hour on-call service to stop her committing suicide. All whilst I was raising my young family".

Very magnanimous of you.

"Of course, there is a second definition of Pathetic: - "miserably inadequate; of very low standard."

I can see you're much more acquainted with this one."

No, in fact you are wrong. I have never had a fwb and only ever been in two long marriages. Now happily single and no fwb in site, not my bag. I have never been miserably inadequate with anyone. Or pathetic of low standard. I am perplexed at your
view of women and your need to re wrote their narrative.

You will not rewrite my narrative on this post sweet heart.

I was in an FWB relationship for about a year or so & I was the one who developed feelings and would have liked to have moved it on to a proper relationship.
But when her exPartner reappeared, that was the end of it, so just be careful with your feelings

@MyAltAccount Once our relationship, was over I supported her through thick and thin - classic rotten fish behaviour I'm sure you'll agree. Want to know why we split? Well sweetie, maybe it was something to do with her increased drinking and the violent person she became. My fault, obviously."

Don't ever call me sweetie. I am not your sweetie.