'Friends with benefits'

[truthseeker978]

I appear to have become embroiled in a FWB situation which is almost a year old now.

Is FWB just another way of saying you aren't ready to commit, or you don't like someone enough to go that extra step?

We have a very strong physical attraction and chemistry and a good time together sexually which makes ending it difficult but I do want and need more than this arrangement can give me. Not sure what to do or what I'm asking but has anyone else been in this and how did it end/progress if it did?

For background, I'm 18 months out of a long marriage, with two kids. This has been a good chance to experiment with someone else as DH was my first and only partner.

"@MyAltAccount it continued with name-calling, insults and belittling. "

Yes, thats why your post was deleted.

In case no one else has said it, I know you're planning on breaking it off but if you do end up staying in this arrangement for longer, make sure you both know what'd happen in the event of accidental pregnancy unless you know for certain that it's impossible.

@GoToSleepBabyPlease yes we have discussed this from early on. Thank you though.

And as if by magic now one of mine deleted.

@KatherineofOregon

My ex is a pathetic dead alcoholic now, just as dead maybe as you've become on this thread today.

I'm going to leave you with your own company from now on, but I fear you may fall out given time.

@KatherineofOregon

And as if by magic now one of mine deleted.

You are coming off as really aggressive.maybe @myaltaccount used wrong terminology to describe the poor woman but you come across as looking for an argument

I had a fwb for just over a year. I got feelings he didn't, even if he had I knew we wouldn't work as a couple anyway. He just wanted sex but I realised I wanted more than he could offer and he had intentions of finding someone else eventually for a ltr so I ended it even though I really didn't want to, but I knew it would hurt more if he moved on and I had kept it going. Am currently trying trying OLD to find something different...though not impressed with it thus far!

@Jumpinginwithbothfeet you sound very much like me! Just a bit further ahead. Yeah online dating is a nightmare I've found .... Hope you get some good luck on there or in real life soon. 🤞

[quote MyAltAccount]@Onthedunes

Thank you for your post.

I was most certainly using the word with its meaning of 'arousing pity' rather than 'miserably inadequate' She was someone I saw progress from a fun, happy person through all the stages of alcoholism to where she ended up. I can apologise if people thought I meant something else (maybe not aware that there were multiple meanings to the word?), but really! to be jumped on like that was unacceptable especially as they knew nothing of the horrors I went through. Even when my experience was clarified it continued with name-calling, insults and belittling. One wonders if you found that behaviour acceptable? You didn't call that out, or maybe I missed it.

Apologies to OP for this thread being hi-jacked.[/quote]
How long did this FWB last. It sounds a long time as you saw her progress through all the stages of alcoholism?

I think it's a bad idea for most people. It almost always ends up with one person wanting more and getting hurt. Or feeling used.

Mine lasted 16 years on and off
It kind of tailed off but could restart again if I wanted

@truthseeker978 thank you! Do what's best for you when you're ready - I probably should have ended it sooner because it hurt more than I thought it would. I think I was in denial about how much I liked him!!

I actually can't stand the term FWB, it normalizes sex without love, especially for men. Anything where men can get sex without the reponsibility of any thought being part of that act is promoted by men.

Women buy into these terms to be 'cool', invariably it rarely is in the women's best intrests.

Over the years womens rights over their own bodies have been dimished by social expectations and social norms, for women to assert their power they must learn to stand against these social norms.

In the 60's it was 'free love', the ever lowering boundaries within the porn industry, social media with women batting against other women for the attention of men, the lists goes on.
The emancipation of women, it seems we've turned the clocks back.
Stop believing the hype ladies.

@Onthedunes

About 18 months. We were friends before and after.

She was one of those people who liked a drink and was fun with it too. But it just got out of hand and wasn't fun anymore. After a couple of 'incidents' I called quits on it.

@Onthedunes

I actually can't stand the term FWB, it normalizes sex without love, especially for men. Anything where men can get sex without the reponsibility of any thought being part of that act is promoted by men.

Women buy into these terms to be 'cool', invariably it rarely is in the women's best intrests.

Over the years womens rights over their own bodies have been dimished by social expectations and social norms, for women to assert their power they must learn to stand against these social norms.

In the 60's it was 'free love', the ever lowering boundaries within the porn industry, social media with women batting against other women for the attention of men, the lists goes on.
The emancipation of women, it seems we've turned the clocks back.
Stop believing the hype ladies.

I don’t agree with this as a generalisation at all. Of course there are men who will use the guise of a FWB arrangement to manipulate women for sex, and they’re arseholes with a grotesque sense of entitlement. But I think a big reason the idea of casual sex is seen as something men do and women endure, and is perceived as a negative, is because of sexist and heteronormative tropes.

There is nothing intrinsically exploitative about casual sex, or sex without love as you call it, between two consenting adults. If it’s a man and a woman, the problem begins because we’re all socialised to think women’s worth is heightened by what men think of them, so a woman that a man wants to date and marry is worth more than one he just wants to shag. Of course, that’s absolute rubbish, but it’s hard to disentangle your own feelings about FWB from the world we live in. But women like sex too and seeking casual arrangements is not a guarantee they’ll end up hurt or manipulated if they’re entering into it for the right reasons.

That said, it doesn’t sound like you are in this for the right reasons. You say it’s this or celibacy - why is celibacy/being single such a bad thing? Surely it’s preferable to a situation that stresses you out? It sounds like your self esteem is being rocked by this and the prospect of him not ‘choosing’ you to commit to, which is a glaring sign you’re not ready for such an arrangement. If you were comfortable with this, his motives or feelings wouldn’t have any impact on your well-being. Even if he did bluntly say “yes, it is specifically you I don’t want to commit to” that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you and it doesn’t diminish your worth - it simply means you’re not someone he can see himself in a committed relationship with, and that’s fine. Turn it around to think about what YOU want. He isn’t someone you can see yourself with, but you’re getting some fun out of it. Never mind his feelings!

I would advise ending it though, it sounds like that would be the best option for your overall emotional health and happiness. Perhaps after some time focusing on yourself you might feel more secure in exploring different models of relationships but that’s not something you should feel compelled to do just so you’re not alone.

@Onthedunes

I actually can't stand the term FWB, it normalizes sex without love, especially for men. Anything where men can get sex without the reponsibility of any thought being part of that act is promoted by men.

Women buy into these terms to be 'cool', invariably it rarely is in the women's best intrests.

Over the years womens rights over their own bodies have been dimished by social expectations and social norms, for women to assert their power they must learn to stand against these social norms.

In the 60's it was 'free love', the ever lowering boundaries within the porn industry, social media with women batting against other women for the attention of men, the lists goes on.
The emancipation of women, it seems we've turned the clocks back.
Stop believing the hype ladies.

No. I am a middle aged woman who likes sex. I don't want any complications or commitment. Such an arrangement suits me perfectly well thank you.

@Viviennemary

I think it's a bad idea for most people. It almost always ends up with one person wanting more and getting hurt. Or feeling used.

I think to avoid that you both have to be clear on "terms". I knew exactly what I was getting into. I got out of it exactly what I wanted and indeed it went on for much longer than I anticipated. Nobody was hurt. I miss the sex admittedly but hopefully will find a similar arrangement at some point. It's not for everybody though.

I agree @TheFormidableMrsC. It’s actually quite sexist to say women can’t handle casual sex!

@TedMullins

I agree *@TheFormidableMrsC*. It’s actually quite sexist to say women can’t handle casual sex!

It really is!

@MyAltAccount

No alcoholism is rarely fun, it is an illnesss and I think the point in your initial post got lost by using the word pathetic, especially as you have linked with the subject of FWB, in that context it came across as cold, uncaring and denegrating women.
Your subsequent refusal to back down infuriated other female posters as they then likened your rebukes as how you COULD have treated this woman in the past therefor contributing to her fragile mental health.

Maybe that is not what you intended but that is what is thought.
These ladies are only trying to preserve this womans reputation in whatever small way they can.
This woman is dead now so lets not call her pathetic, or someone who was used as a FWB with no possibility of ever being in a primary relationship with you.
Can you not see how others thought you were being a little callous.?

@Onthedunes

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I can agree with a lot of what you say. Trouble is, I'm past caring now they've shown how immature and frankly broken they are.

This thread for me has run its course. It was never meant to be about me and I apologise again to OP.

I had a FWB that I look back on fondly but am glad I’m with my current DP who can commit. Me and FWB had a lot of fun, went on holiday a few times, he actually was a great friend, but his lifestyle just wasn’t compatible with mine. He proposed to me once but then left the country...I think in another life we’re together and happy but it won’t be in this one. I sympathise though OP i don’t think I’ve ever really left mine fully (emotionally) but there will be other guys who come along who are just better at being in a relationship.

[quote MyAltAccount]@Onthedunes

someone who was used as a FWB

USED? I suggest you choose your words more carefully too.[/quote]
@MyAltAccount

I do choose my words carefully and I do think many people who go into FWB are used.

I'm sure many can handle it, but in my experience it is the user who comes out unscathed.

@Onthedunes

I actually can't stand the term FWB, it normalizes sex without love, especially for men. Anything where men can get sex without the reponsibility of any thought being part of that act is promoted by men.

Women buy into these terms to be 'cool', invariably it rarely is in the women's best intrests.

Over the years womens rights over their own bodies have been dimished by social expectations and social norms, for women to assert their power they must learn to stand against these social norms.

In the 60's it was 'free love', the ever lowering boundaries within the porn industry, social media with women batting against other women for the attention of men, the lists goes on.
The emancipation of women, it seems we've turned the clocks back.
Stop believing the hype ladies.

I was having fwbs before the term was invented (probably - I've only heard it in the last few years).

I don't do it to be 'cool'. I do it because it genuinely suits me. I've never met a man I wanted to 'settle down' with, I'm not sure I've ever wanted to 'settle down'. I've certainly never wanted to get married.

I've had a few men want it to be more and I remember one in particular who wrote me a heartfelt letter when we were about 20 telling me how much I'd hurt him by it.

I agree that it doesn't suit a lot of women and I think a lot go into it hoping it will be more. But don't assume that all women are desperately hoping for that because it isn't true.