'Friends with benefits'

[truthseeker978]

I appear to have become embroiled in a FWB situation which is almost a year old now.

Is FWB just another way of saying you aren't ready to commit, or you don't like someone enough to go that extra step?

We have a very strong physical attraction and chemistry and a good time together sexually which makes ending it difficult but I do want and need more than this arrangement can give me. Not sure what to do or what I'm asking but has anyone else been in this and how did it end/progress if it did?

For background, I'm 18 months out of a long marriage, with two kids. This has been a good chance to experiment with someone else as DH was my first and only partner.

[quote MyAltAccount]@KatherineofOregon

You will not rewrite my narrative on this post sweet heart.
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.
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Don't ever call me sweetie.

Here was I thinking you were warming to me.[/quote]
Well, you've managed to poke quite a few angry broads on this thread. Shame really as you sound like a decent person.

Baffled at the posters who claim that @KatherineofOregon was being aggressive. The other poster in the equation came off as an angry misogynist who later twisted his own words about how he viewed a previous lover who fell to ruin after she 'got the feels' and then claimed to have paid for her treatment and stayed with her till the bitter end in spite of the last time he saw her she was a 'pathetic alcoholic'...
He then described other posters as 'broken' for sticking up for the lady who has now died. Seems he went to a LOT of trouble for someone who was 'just' a FWB...
Majority of his posts on this thread have displayed a disgusting attitude towards women and only serve as good indication to me that unless one can keep it to purely sexual matters then a man that one deems not to be good enough for a relationship isn't worth having sex with. Especially one that views women as pathetic or broken.

@MyAltAccount sounds like a big tosser. We are all aware of what pathetic sounds like and used this thread as a way of making himself seem very important in this woman's life and her losing him drove her to drink herself to death. Can't see how such a tosser could evoke any feeling other than relief at not having to be with him anymore.

I have female friends who do have fwb who don't want to have a relationship with their fwb. It is something that works for both men and women as long as one party doesn't want more and is hoping that it will evolve into something more. I mean it can, but I think the person who wants something more is always on a back foot and i think it is better to make things clear. And finish the arrangement if you're not in agreement.

I think some situations are FWB for valid reasons, and nothing to do with using or exploiting anyone. Some people who are very drawn to each other would struggle to make a relationship work for various reasons, differences in circumstances, age, culture, lifestyle that would mean sharing life full time is not really feasible.
Where both understand this and accept the limitations of the situation it can be fine.

@5128gap yes I think that's valid. Things aren't ever black and white in matters involving human beings!

There is always a valid reason for sex, if you need sex.

@5128gap

Your differences are still inequalities.
Sex without equality inevitably ends in one party feeling used, FWB is a term created to make sex unacountable.

I've seen affairs covered up in the guise of FWB, from the 51 year old man shagging his 28 year old secretary, to the yummy mummy whose recently divorced using some others woman's husband to get her mojo back and get some new wardrobes fitted as an extra benefit.

All fine cause the're FWB.

To the young girls who are fobbed off by some young hunk who's a babby daddy, whose got no intention of being with his numerous FWB's.
Or the cultures in which it's fine to shag someone but never be in a relationship or marry them as the family wouldn't like it.

There are a million reasons why couples cannot be together, usually it's because of unequality.
Unequality very rarely makes both parties happy.

If someone said to me I want a FWB with you, I would run a mile, equally if I said that to a man I'd hope he would too.

It's basically meaningless sex, I would also state that if a friend wanted meaningless sex, they are not really a friend.

Do people actually stand face to face and tell each other "you are my FWB" I don't think they actually do, they tend to call them that when describing the relationship.
And they do that because face to face it would be quite insulting.

By the way meaningless sex is fine but call a spade a spade. FWB is a term coined to make the unequal partner feel slightly better about being used.

The problem with FWB is that one person usually wants more while the other doesn't. The only solution is then to break it off altoghether, because it only makes the person who wants more unhappy, since it is highly unlikely to happen.

Even if it does turn into a relationship, it is without enthusiasm of the person who was only interested in FWB.

You deserve to be in a relasionship with someone who actually wants you all the way. Otherwise it's better to be single.

@MyAltAccount

I had a FWB - a woman older than me. It was great and the sex was amazing. But she got the feels and was gutted when I ended it. I suspect she even tried to get pregnant by me.

I don't regret it from my side but do wish it never happened as it caused her a lot of hurt, which was very sad. She went on to have a string of failed relationships and last time I saw her she was a pathetic alcoholic.

Moral - whatever you agree upfront there is always a serious danger one of you gets the feels when the other doesn't - is it worth the risk?

OP if this post doesn't put you off FWB arrangements when you are starting to think you want more, I don't know what will, ew.

Oh I had one of these when I was younger and it was so dramatic. We worked together, socialised together and slept together. There was jealousy and feelings on both sides. Eventually he went to work somewhere else and when he came back was horrified to see I had a boyfriend and made dramatic declarations of love and so on.

I think it's probably much better when you're older though, I was a daft young thing then and got all mixed up.

It strikes me that you don't want a full on relationship but you would like a bit more friendship and practical support to go along with the sex. Have you discussed this with FWB? Would he be happy to be a bit more of a friend along with the benefits? Would this suit you?

At the moment I am in my second FWB relationship. The first one ended after 18 (quite painful ones at times for me) months. We met OLD and agreed that we wanted a relationship but it turned out that he was unable/unwilling to commit to that. We got on great when we saw one another, in contact most days, sex was brilliant - we went away 3 times together but in the end I knew I had to finish it as it was just not working for me. With my current one, we were real friends for many years, found ourselves single at the same time and ended up DTD one night. There is a 13 year age gap (me being older) but we both agreed to just have a bit of fun - he told me from the beginning that he didn't want a long term relationship - we are still going strong after 5 months. I have no expectations so this one feels entirely different from the first one - I have no angst with him whatsoever - I really think if/when we finish, we will remain friends as there is a lot of respect on both sides.

It sounds like your relationship is similar to my first one - I can honestly say I was relieved when I finished it - no more angst.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-do-they-keep-having-sex-with-me-if-theyre-not-interested-or-dont-want-the-relationship-i-want/

@Onthedunes

There is always a valid reason for sex, if you need sex.

@5128gap

Your differences are still inequalities.
Sex without equality inevitably ends in one party feeling used, FWB is a term created to make sex unacountable.

I've seen affairs covered up in the guise of FWB, from the 51 year old man shagging his 28 year old secretary, to the yummy mummy whose recently divorced using some others woman's husband to get her mojo back and get some new wardrobes fitted as an extra benefit.

All fine cause the're FWB.

To the young girls who are fobbed off by some young hunk who's a babby daddy, whose got no intention of being with his numerous FWB's.
Or the cultures in which it's fine to shag someone but never be in a relationship or marry them as the family wouldn't like it.

There are a million reasons why couples cannot be together, usually it's because of unequality.
Unequality very rarely makes both parties happy.

If someone said to me I want a FWB with you, I would run a mile, equally if I said that to a man I'd hope he would too.

It's basically meaningless sex, I would also state that if a friend wanted meaningless sex, they are not really a friend.

Do people actually stand face to face and tell each other "you are my FWB" I don't think they actually do, they tend to call them that when describing the relationship.
And they do that because face to face it would be quite insulting.

By the way meaningless sex is fine but call a spade a spade. FWB is a term coined to make the unequal partner feel slightly better about being used.

And I've seen situations where two people live full independent lives and don't want the change or compromise a relationship would require, but would still like to have a sexual relationship, and prefer that to be with someone they like enough to be friends with. And situations where people feel they don't want the added pressure of accountability to a partner when they are busy with children, care responsibilities, and a career, but still want to have sex now and again. And situations where two people know they could never work as a couple because they are very different in age, background, interests, and stage of life, but want to enjoy the time they have together, without wanting to tie the other down. None of these are about inequality or exploitation and no one is being used.

Sansaplans OP if this post doesn't put you off FWB arrangements when you are starting to think you want more, I don't know what will, ew.

Christ, I know! I read through that spewing of vitriolic hatred thinking "wtaf?" It just came across as scary, and unkind. And then the detailed description of how wonderful he is. I hope never, ever to be taken in by this sort of man and talked about in this way by someone. Its horrible.

It's not working for you with this man. It needs to be ended now before you get seriously hurt.

If both people are on board then there's no reason why it can't work, but both people need enough self-awareness to identify if they end up having more feelings, and it's a disaster for either of them to continue being FWB if they're hoping for more.

Equally, once one side expresses they want more the morally right thing to do is to stop sleeping together. Anything else risks the less interested party being a bit of a dick and toying with the other party, and hoping they can get away with it by saying 'but I said I wasn't interested'

I think this is the danger with set ups like this. On paper they sound great but in reality people can end up starting to feel attached to the 'sex only' partner. Its only natural. I have seen this play out in real life in open relationships where the 'side kick', a guy in this case, ended up really hurt and feeling used. I feel the same when people suggest seeking a sex partner outside a sexless marriage, the AP is a real human being too and likely to end up feeling hurt. It can't be great for the self esteem to be used as a supporting role to someone else's main relationship going after all.

Sorry, bit of a ramble there, but yeah, the main point is the sex only thing sounds great in theory but can get really messy and painful in reality.

I think the best thing to happen would be to meet someone else but it's just not likely right now. And therefore, I fall back into this pattern with him as I know him and trust him.... mostly.... maybe once the world opens up a bit more I can try to get out and meet someone else who might be more aligned in wanting the same things I want?

Thanks for everyone's insights though - it's been helpful to hear different experiences.

I think it’s generally a way of saying you have sex with whoever you want and whenever you want, with a particular friend being one of many.

@ColourfulElmerElephant

I think it’s generally a way of saying you have sex with whoever you want and whenever you want, with a particular friend being one of many.

Yeah you may be right there only I'm the loser who is faithful even to their fwb... definitely not cut out for it!...

@truthseeker978

I think the best thing to happen would be to meet someone else but it's just not likely right now. And therefore, I fall back into this pattern with him as I know him and trust him.... mostly.... maybe once the world opens up a bit more I can try to get out and meet someone else who might be more aligned in wanting the same things I want?

The problem is that you won't be open to meet anyone else because you're involved with him. I met my boyfriend in lockdown and wouldn't have been open to meeting him, had I still been with the other guys regardless of what capacity it was in.

I think pull off the plaster quickly and you will move on a lot quicker.

I've had one for five years. We now live about 200 miles apart so the 'benefits' part isn't so often anymore. He told me loved me not long in, we're still single, text every day and I consider him to be my best friend.

@Sakurami yes that's true, it does make you shut off in a way... I mean I still keep my eyes open but perhaps not as much as I would if he wasn't in the background. Thanks for the advice. It's just an extra difficult time to even try to meet anyone at the moment for obvious reasons like lockdown, no socialising etc

@Onthedunes what you’re describing there with a 50 year old shagging his secretary or a man having children with multiple women are not what I’d describe as FWB - these sound like exploitative, entitled and selfish men with a lack of respect for women, and yes, unequal relationships. As much as the men in those situations are fully responsible for being shitheads, the women also have agency to walk away (I know it’s not that easy in practice because men lie to get what they want, but again, that’s not what I’d describe as an FWB situation).

TRUE FWB can be mutually beneficial if both people are completely open and honest about what it is and what they want and what will happen if they meet someone else, whether they’re dating other people (I never stopped seeing other people when I had an FWB). The key is honesty and respect. I agree many, many men don’t have respect for women and will make out they want a relationship when they don’t, but that’s not FWB. It isn’t synonymous with manipulation and heartbreak if you do it right.

Equally there is nothing wrong with only wanting a committed relationship - again, you need to be honest and upfront about this with potential partners and don’t put up with any behaviour which falls below your expectations.