Page 2 | 'Friends with benefits'

truthseeker978 · 2021-04-06T09:53:05+00:00

I appear to have become embroiled in a FWB situation which is almost a year old now. Is FWB just another way of saying you aren't ready to commit, or you don't like someone enough to go that extra step? We have a very strong physical attraction and chemistry and a good time together sexually which makes ending it difficult but I do want and need more than this arrangement can give me. Not sure what to do or what I'm asking but has anyone else been in this and how did it end/progress if it did? For background, I'm 18 months out of a long marriage, with two kids. This has been a good chance to experiment with someone else as DH was my first and only partner.

MyAltAccount · 06/04/2021 18:25

@KatherineofOregon

You will not rewrite my narrative on this post sweet heart.
.
.
.
Don't ever call me sweetie.

Here was I thinking you were warming to me.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/04/2021 18:27

@MyAltAccount

Calling women who disagree with you 'sweetie' is cringe inducing. There's no reasonable excuse for using misogynist language and tone just because someone's got you annoyed. It just makes you look like a misogynist who happens to be pissed off.

MyAltAccount · 06/04/2021 18:34

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I thought before I wrote that, but I wanted to throw back a mirror on the previous language used by her directed at me:

sweet heart
darlin

It's not how I would ever choose to speak to a woman (or a man for that matter).

KatherineofOregon · 06/04/2021 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Onthedunes · 06/04/2021 18:54

@MyAltAccount

Can you not admit in your initial post you were not very kind towards the FWB you speak of.
Even though she was an alcoholic I'm sure she had redeeming features, you only knew a fraction of her life but to summed up as being pathetic on a forum is very harsh.

Would you like to be summed up as a pompous arsehole because of one thread on here.
You should have just apologised about your FWB, your comment to another poster saying the subject was above her was disgusting (I see you have had that post deleted).
Also please do not use the term sweetie, you know women do not like this, it is patronising.

That's the thing with FWB you can end up with someone who clearly thinks they are above you in so many ways, unequal apart from the sex.
It doesn't do much for self esteem.
I would not use FWB as a pre cursor to a lasting relationship, by the very definition of them they are unequal.
And I would stagger a guess that more women are hurt by these than men.

MyBeautifulSummerhouse · 06/04/2021 18:58

@truthseeker978

I also struggle with the boundaries. Do you text them much or is this too needy? Do you ask for emotional support - probably not he's not my partner or boyfriend.. I do find it weird and probably that indicates it's not right for me? Or is it just adjusting to things after a long term relationship?

Well my fwbs were actual friends. One was my best friend and we were in constant contact. In 8 years I don't think we ever went more than 2 days without speaking. And most days it was contant.

It stopped because he told me he loved me and wanted a proper relationship and I didn't.

weegiepower · 06/04/2021 19:01

My exh was a fwb that lasted for 3 years before we ended up in a relationship, eventually got married, eventually divorced with 2 young children.

It may or may not be related to it starting as fwb but I feel like so much of our relationship revolves around sex (him not me) and once we had children things went downhill. I think because we were fwb for so long and actually didn't actually originally get on in a relationship sense we entirely missed the part where we should have learnt to communicate properly, create boundaries, and have a "normal" relationship because it didn't really start like a normal relationship. Once the sex went downhill a bit after children we argued a lot and there wasn't much left.

Original poster

truthseeker978 · 06/04/2021 19:09

@Onthedunes

I agree with a lot of what you said especially the bits in the last part of your post. The thing is this guy I am supposedly fwb with coined us this early on which makes me think he knew he wasn't on the market for anything serious as he had me 'sex only zoned' before we really knew each other.... this makes me think it's more his inability to commit to anything than something that is lacking with me. He may be out off by the fact I have kids I guess. He doesn't.

Some days I think I enjoy the dynamic and can handle it ok and actually don't think we would make a good couple so what we've got is probably fine. But then other times it just feels like a massive headf*^%... I'm not sure what to do. Given the lack of other options it feels like him or celibacy right now.

OP posts:

SongToTheSiren1 · 06/04/2021 19:11

It's not MyAltAccount coming off badly here! KatherineofOregon you are being so aggressive

MyBeautifulSummerhouse · 06/04/2021 19:16

[quote truthseeker978]@Onthedunes

I agree with a lot of what you said especially the bits in the last part of your post. The thing is this guy I am supposedly fwb with coined us this early on which makes me think he knew he wasn't on the market for anything serious as he had me 'sex only zoned' before we really knew each other.... this makes me think it's more his inability to commit to anything than something that is lacking with me. He may be out off by the fact I have kids I guess. He doesn't.

Some days I think I enjoy the dynamic and can handle it ok and actually don't think we would make a good couple so what we've got is probably fine. But then other times it just feels like a massive headf*^%... I'm not sure what to do. Given the lack of other options it feels like him or celibacy right now.[/quote]
It doesn't have to be something 'lacking' in you or that he is not ready for a relationship at all.

It could be anything about you that he feels just isn't compatible with his life.

However, if he has already told you it's just sex and no more then I think you need to accept its just sex and no more.

KatherineofOregon · 06/04/2021 19:19

@SongToTheSiren1 pardon?

@MyAltAccount tried to manipulate one of my earlier posts to suit his narrative. I have corrected that. How is wanting my written word to be interpreted correctly aggressive?

Original poster

truthseeker978 · 06/04/2021 19:20

@MyBeautifulSummerhouse I think I have accepted it but it's just at times I find it messes with my head to be that intimate but then it's just sex and I'm not to get my feelings involved. That's what I struggle with and wonder if that's a signal I shouldn't be doing it.

I'm a romantic sort and like the idea of meeting someone who will love me/I will love them and I guess that's just the opposite of what I'm doing right now.

OP posts:

MyBeautifulSummerhouse · 06/04/2021 19:25

I think it's a sign you shouldn't be doing it.

I have fwbs because i don't do relationships. The illusion of intimacy/affection suits me.

I too would love to meet someone and love/be loved by them but it's not going to happen for many reasons.

Original poster

truthseeker978 · 06/04/2021 19:28

@MyBeautifulSummerhouse thanks for the advice and sharing your experience. I know fwb is a good arrangement for many people for lots of reasons.. I think you might be right. I've just got to find the courage to walk away somehow. He knows all about my concerns so I could just tell him not to contact me anymore - he would understand...

OP posts:

KatherineofOregon · 06/04/2021 19:29

@SongToTheSiren1 i have just seen @myalt has had a post deleted and i'm the bad guy?

confused1974 · 06/04/2021 19:29

@truthseeker978 just end this and start again from scratch.
Honestly I find FWB situations benefit men the most (generally, there are exceptions).

Go online and start dating (or if you work in a place with lots of men, look around for a serious relationship). I am recently separated but wouldn't consider FWB.
Go on Reddit and read the FDS handbook. Very helpful.
Good luck!

Onthedunes · 06/04/2021 19:33

@truthseeker978

If it hurts walk away op, thats the only marker you have, keep looking that's all anybody can do, women by nature want and need emotional support and sucour, it's not a fault and it is not weak to feel that way.

Whatever reasons a man may want FWB, a mans needs will always be different to a womans.

It is strong to know what you want and even stronger to admit you wish to be cared for and appreciated.
You have to respect yourself and treat yourself really well, you deserve what you want.
If it currently gives you sexual confidence, thats good but you probably will find your confidence ebbing in future as the other parts of the relationship do not emerge.

Original poster

truthseeker978 · 06/04/2021 19:36

Thanks @confused1974

Great post @Onthedunes - yes I think that's the thing, it has been giving me confidence sexually and new experiences and that was/is enjoyable but when the stressful elements outweigh the fun it's time to end the arrangement I guess.

OP posts:

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/04/2021 19:38

I had one for 6 years after a long marriage in which I was deeply hurt. I don't want another relationship so this suited me down to the ground. I liked the lack of commitment. All time we spent together was just lovely, not complicated by children and amazing sex. He was a decade younger than me and wanted marriage and children. It suited both of us for a long time until somebody came along prepared to commit to him. It was fine, it was always the deal and I was happy to walk away. I do miss it sometimes and hope it happens for me again. It's as far as o prepared to go. You have to be singing off the same hymn sheet for it work though.

supadupapupascupa · 06/04/2021 19:42

I don't know if it's helpful or not but I married my 4 year FWB. I issued an ultimatum to give it a proper go. Married 14 years and still happy :-)

Original poster

truthseeker978 · 06/04/2021 19:44

Awww @supadupapupascupa that's sweet. I'm glad you got your happy ending! ♥️

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 06/04/2021 19:46

I had a fwb and we would meet up for drinks or in groups to do stuff then go back to one of ours or just go to each other’s house but it was definitely a have a laugh together, talk about general stuff rather than gain any emotional support from each other and I don’t think we often text other than to arrange to meet up. I really fancied him and he was fun but I knew he wouldn’t be the kind of boyfriend I wanted so that held me back from developing feelings.
In the end I became aware that he’d started a relationship with someone else but didn’t tell me about it so I stopped sleeping with him immediately. Even though I never wanted him as a boyfriend it still stung a bit though that he hadn’t wanted me as a girlfriend (hypocritical I know but it hurt my ego haha)

Original poster

truthseeker978 · 06/04/2021 19:50

Yes... @user1493413286 and here in lies the head messing element of the situation. You might know all the reasons it wouldn't work but you still want it too - even just a little.... human nature I guess.

OP posts:

MyAltAccount · 06/04/2021 20:27

@Onthedunes

Thank you for your post.

I was most certainly using the word with its meaning of 'arousing pity' rather than 'miserably inadequate' She was someone I saw progress from a fun, happy person through all the stages of alcoholism to where she ended up. I can apologise if people thought I meant something else (maybe not aware that there were multiple meanings to the word?), but really! to be jumped on like that was unacceptable especially as they knew nothing of the horrors I went through. Even when my experience was clarified it continued with name-calling, insults and belittling. One wonders if you found that behaviour acceptable? You didn't call that out, or maybe I missed it.

Apologies to OP for this thread being hi-jacked.

KatherineofOregon · 06/04/2021 20:56

"@MyAltAccount really! to be jumped on like that was unacceptable especially as they knew nothing of the horrors I went through. Even when my experience was clarified it continued with name-calling, insults and belittling. One wonders if you found that behaviour acceptable? You didn't call that out, or maybe I missed it."

Is this the bit where you are wording yr posts to incite all the posters to turn on me? Controlling much ?

I take it your ex is still a pathetic alcoholic? Would you like to retract that?