I just don't know what do to. My DP is depressed and I've supported him all the way through. I've encouraged him to see a counsellor, we even went for couples counselling, which really helped but he wanted to stop.
I'm now at a point that I'm having anxiety related chest pains, and feel like I just want to die. I'm always the coper. Everyone seems to rely on me. I have a senior job where I have a team to deal with who all look to me for answers. I have 3 dc who need me. I have a part time job to keep my finances afloat, which demands from me. I have an aunt with increasingly bad dementia who relies on me. I feel like I'm drowning in other people's needs and wants and yet I'm here. I'm drowning.
DP and I had a row the other day-sunday. I was a little drunk and over reacted to something. He's hardly spoken to me since. His DD is staying here at the moment and I'm trying to hold it all together for the kids but yesterday afternoon I just stood silently in the kitchen. He asked what was wrong and I just told him that I'm on the verge of a MH breakdown. He did nothing. No cuddle. No reassurance. He just walked away.
Later on he asked me what I wanted him to do and I said I needed a cuddle. He huffed and reached out for me. I shook him off as I want him to just want to do it not huff and puff about it.
Later on I set up a film night with his DD and my kids. He went to the toilet and my DS had come and sat in his place to give me a cuddle. DP came back into the room and instead of asking DS to shove up so he could sit down, he walked off and went to bed leaving me with the kids.
I went up later and asked why he did that, and he said he shouldn't have to ask him to move, I should have. I told him I am actually thinking of killing myself. Which is true.
He said, well I feel like that everyday. To my shame I just said well do it then. I didn't mean it, it was an awful thing to say, but I'm at the end of my tether I've done everything to support him, including paying for counselling out of my own pocket.
I'm so bloody miserable. I love him but I can't go on like this. This morning I took our tea up to bed, as I always do, and he turned his back on me.
I don't know what to do. I need a break. I need to do some self care but how.