I am so miserable

[Meme69]

I just don't know what do to. My DP is depressed and I've supported him all the way through. I've encouraged him to see a counsellor, we even went for couples counselling, which really helped but he wanted to stop.

I'm now at a point that I'm having anxiety related chest pains, and feel like I just want to die. I'm always the coper. Everyone seems to rely on me. I have a senior job where I have a team to deal with who all look to me for answers. I have 3 dc who need me. I have a part time job to keep my finances afloat, which demands from me. I have an aunt with increasingly bad dementia who relies on me. I feel like I'm drowning in other people's needs and wants and yet I'm here. I'm drowning.

DP and I had a row the other day-sunday. I was a little drunk and over reacted to something. He's hardly spoken to me since. His DD is staying here at the moment and I'm trying to hold it all together for the kids but yesterday afternoon I just stood silently in the kitchen. He asked what was wrong and I just told him that I'm on the verge of a MH breakdown. He did nothing. No cuddle. No reassurance. He just walked away.

Later on he asked me what I wanted him to do and I said I needed a cuddle. He huffed and reached out for me. I shook him off as I want him to just want to do it not huff and puff about it.

Later on I set up a film night with his DD and my kids. He went to the toilet and my DS had come and sat in his place to give me a cuddle. DP came back into the room and instead of asking DS to shove up so he could sit down, he walked off and went to bed leaving me with the kids.

I went up later and asked why he did that, and he said he shouldn't have to ask him to move, I should have. I told him I am actually thinking of killing myself. Which is true.

He said, well I feel like that everyday. To my shame I just said well do it then. I didn't mean it, it was an awful thing to say, but I'm at the end of my tether I've done everything to support him, including paying for counselling out of my own pocket.

I'm so bloody miserable. I love him but I can't go on like this. This morning I took our tea up to bed, as I always do, and he turned his back on me.

I don't know what to do. I need a break. I need to do some self care but how.

I'm so sorry op. Is he taking any anti depressants? Can anyone in your family help with your auntie so you can have a break?

If you’re having thoughts about harming yourself then you need to speak to someone who can help you, now. Call your GP. Be honest. Accept the help that is offered.

Once you’ve got your own MH to a better place, have a proper think about what you want / what you’re getting from this relationship.

What I mean is: prioritise yourself. You can’t ‘fix’ him and he doesn’t seem to be trying to help you. Put yourself first. You deserve it

How long have you been together? It sounds as if this is a very unhealthy relationship for both of you and staying in it is only making things worse for certainly you

So sorry to hear you are going through this it sounds horrendous.
I agree with pp, go to the doctors tell them everything and take whatever help is offered. If they refer you for therapy there will probably be a long wait, could you maybe arrange this yourself if affordable? It’s a step in the right direction doing something for yourself to help the way you’re feeling.
Sending hug xx

So sorry to hear about all this, you sound at breaking point and really need some support. If you found the couples counselling helpful, how about going to see that counsellor on your own, to talk about how you're feeling? They will have an idea about the dynamics between you and your partner, which might be useful. Onlyif you felt comfortable with the counsellor of course.

Definitely talk to your gp.

Youaare obviously a very competent woman and used to taking care of everyone else, so it might feel strange to accept help for yourself. But nows the time. Do you have friends or other family you can lean on for a while?

Hug and hand hold 💐

Oh op my heart goes out to you, as a coper myself my best advice is to immediately stop all unnecessary things that weigh on you.

Emotionally disconnect from him as he is draining you beyond your limit, you have done all you can now it is up to him. Stop worrying about him, expect no support as it is not forthcoming and that makes you feel worse, stop doing things for him. Tell him it is now up to him.

Tell him that at x time he will be looking after all the children every week as you will be out. Say between 1pm and 6pm on a Sunday, that is your time and sacrosanct, even if all he does is plonk them in front of a movie.

Go see a friend/go swimming/ grab a coffee and sit in your car with a book if necessary...Just take the time out regardless to do whatever lifts your spirits, maybe schedule some counselling for yourself.
Be out of the house so you are not disturbed.

You need time to think about how you want your future to look, with or without him, but most importantly you need to make regular time to be able to do this away from the house.

These burdens are too much so you HAVE to put some of it down, (l have been there)
Once you have identified if he is the cause of your unhappiness then you can make some decisions, if it is all the pressures then sort those first and look at the relationship after.

You aren't responsible for him and I think he's bringing you down. Can he move back to his mum's or something to sort out his own recovery? He needs to be engaging with counsellors, his GP etc. You have too much on to take an additional burden like this. Look after yourself first and foremost. I say this as someone who has been severely depressed in the past.

Thanks all for being so lovely. DP works away 4 days out of every 8, so I do get some time alone, but the whole time I feel so stressed about upsetting him that I can't relax. I know this relationship is unhealthy but I can't seem to leave it.

If I were to go out and sit in my car for an hour to him it would be proof that I'm shagging someone else. If I even go to a friends and am chatting and don't look at my phone then miss a message he thinks I'm lying about where I am. I am a nervous wreck.

That sounds so full on - I’m not surprised you feel put upon and overwhelmed.

Somethings got to give and I would suggest you prioritise your 1) health, 2) main income and 3) your own children for now.

Can the doctor help you at all?

Can family, church groups, Social services or the Doctor help with the aunt?

Can you have a break from the part time job?

Do you have any holiday you can take?

Does your company or union have any facility that provides counselling or assistance?

I agree with the others on your DH. He’s not able to give you what you need and you need to stop looking there for now. Get yourself some headspace and see how things look later. For your own sake go back to basics for a few weeks. Definitely carve out a bit of time for yourself

Gosh. I’ve just seen your update. That sounds like something quite intense OP.

Depression doesnt give him the right to be that controlling OP. He sounds as if he is the cause of yours.

Please get help to get out

OP I’m so sorry to hear you feel this way. Please reach out to someone for support, please contact the Samaritans or your GP who can help

OP you need to leave. The fact that your stress is actually making you become verbally abusive should be alarm bells.

The situation is changing you as a person. You can’t carry on this way.

Who’s house is it? Is it joint?

Just seen the update this relationship will push you over the edge. Please leave.

He stopped the counselling, what else is he doing to try and get better? I suspect I know the answer to that.
Tbh, he doesn't sound like he cares about you.
Honestly I would see your gp, get help for yourself and ask him to move out for a while so you can concentrate on getting well. Living in a bad atmosphere is not what you need.
I would also do as pp suggested and try to get other help in place for your aunt and consider if the second job could fall by the wayside for now.
I would strongly advise you to get signed off sick from work for a couple of weeks at least.

Your last update makes it abundantly clear where the problem is. You won't ever be able to relax or have a healthy mental state with a partner behaving like this. Put steps in place to split, I'm sure you will feel better.

I am financially independent and own my own house, but emotionally I am co-dependent on him totally. I just can't seem to break free. We've split before and somehow I'm begging him to come home because I feel unable to calm myself down emotionally knowing I am alone. I know it is ridiculous as I am a strong person, no one would ever, in my personal or professional life realise that I was like this emotionally.

That's awful, your children need you and he's going to break you if he gets his way. I'm a single parent and, whilst there are challenges, I have no-one controlling me any more. Depression is the stage after anger and fear. Youre feelings of depression are likely linked to feeling trapped. It won't get any better unless you find a way to get away from DP

You can do it. Have you heard of the Freedom Programme?

You need some therapy to help you ditch the waste of space. Sorry you feel so low, please reach out to your GP or the Samaritans or anyone who can help. The level of anxiety you feel is not sustainable.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

OP,

Your second post is more revealing...it is not just his depression that causes problems...it is that he is a jealous manipulative controlling bully. Start with your GP in the short term as you need support for your own MH....& get a referral for counselling for you. You sound like you are worn down & unravelling & it is not only from dealing with all these demands on you...it is how he treats you too. Also, I can't imagine the atmosphere at home been great for your kids (or his).

If he can cope with his health problems alone & frequently when away of home with work...then he is capable enough to do so when at home without you running yourself ragged around him.. Stop focusing on helping him...find help for yourself.

It sounds horrendous, i’m sorry. The updates about your son and him being so controlling over you sound like this is way more than depression on his end. No wonder you feel a wreck if you’re coping with all that.

Panicking at being alone - where does that come from? Have you considered that to all intents and purposes you are already alone since he’s leaving you to cope with everything and is refusing to offer any sort of emotional kindness, as well as being controlling on top of it?

Maybe, put in that perspective, you might realise that you can do just fine without this man in your life and you are not as emotionally dependent on him as you’re telling yourself.

I second those saying get counselling and support for yourself, prioritise you. You have probably been socialised and a female to put others' needs first and that is why you are neglecting your own wellbeing. It happens to so many of us before we realise what has happened.