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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To know how to play my cards?

82 replies

Harmonysg85 · 05/04/2021 21:32

Sorry, this is only a week on from my last thread but really needing support & guidance 😑.. To cut a really long story short, had an awful pregnancy (14 month old to look after, 3 jobs, house on market, huge commutes, health issues, lack of support, lockdown 🤦‍♀️..) and partner left last week. Within 24 hours he signed for a new place (6 month contract) & I thought that was it. For nearly 5 years I have financially supported him. I can count on one hand the months he’s been able to contribute financially to this household.

All the bills, mortgage etc are in my name. Finally the job situation has been sorted and he has been able to sort himself out. But as I’m the higher earner, everything has just been left in my name/to me.

Because I finish work early, I have done all of the food shops & ended up just paying for them. Initially, for the first couple of months, he contributed to bills & food. Following that he has kept his money, made purchases without consulting with me, been generally financially unavailable again & not open with where his money has gone. He HAS paid the nursery fees which is the one area I have asked him to step up. I’m just distraught now, because he has moved out saying the pressure of everything was too much but he loves me and wants to build our relationship from scratch again making it stronger. He has set up counselling for us and visited nearly every day telling me he loves me & trying to romance me again. The problem is, the one time I now need him he has put his money elsewhere.

I am around the corner from maternity leave and it was his turn to financially take over during these few months so I could have a leave and enjoy the first few months with my two babies! He’s now committed most of his monthly earnings to his new property so I have no choice but to cut my maternity leave short and go back to work prematurely.

I know this has become a financial thread but I’m equally mortified at this plan to waltz in for half an hour a day, kiss the babies, make a cup of tea, have a nice park date for an hour at the weekend then go back to his bachelor pad whilst I cope juggling my 3 jobs/doing it all myself whilst heavily pregnant. How can someone who claims to love me do this?!?!?

But how to play my cards- he wants to make things work and as long as I’m nice as pie, show no disgruntlement & say the right things, this is giving me the chance of us being a family but every inch of me inside is screaming...

OP posts:

category12 · 05/04/2021 21:40

No, if you make yourself a doormat, he will just wipe his shoes on you. Absolutely wrong card to play.

He can complacently think you will take him back anytime and are desperate for him at any price. What's his incentive if you give him everything on a plate whatever shit he pulls?

He is taking the piss and you need to take control of your own destiny, not hang your hat on him coming back. He's left you, he's let you down, he's letting your children down.

Be strong, be independent, move your life on as if he's not coming back. If he fears losing you altogether you have a far better chance of him waking up than selling yourself short.

Don't make it easy for him, show him what separation is really like.

He takes the kids out for his contact time and looks after them himself. He pays child support.

Original poster

Harmonysg85 · 05/04/2021 21:48

If I go down this route the relationship is over.

OP posts:

category12 · 05/04/2021 21:55

Doing it your way is just dragging it out painfully and degradingly.

Letting someone make you eat shit and smile about it doesn't make them love you, it makes them despise you.

He needs to be the one who is scared of losing you, not the other way round. You don't need the guy, you're eminently capable, you're the breadwinner, you're strong af - don't let some bloke drag you down.

LadyGAgain · 05/04/2021 21:58

Remind me why you would want to be with this loser?

sjfjsnfkdhsbd · 05/04/2021 21:59

It's a shit relationship based on him exploiting you. It should be over. People who love you don't treat you the way he has.

LavenderLollies · 05/04/2021 22:00

Why would you even consider sharing your life with this person?

Changingwiththetimes · 05/04/2021 22:02

It's over.

Original poster

Harmonysg85 · 05/04/2021 22:12

If it was just over, why has he set up couple counselling/ formulated a plan to long term fix us and build us up to being stronger than we’ve ever been? Surely he would just say ‘it’s over!’

OP posts:

category12 · 05/04/2021 22:20

So he doesn't appear like the shitbag who walked out on his tiny children? Also, to keep you on side so he can shag you and see his kids when he likes and not have to pay child support, while not having to do any of the heavy lifting.

Look, I'm not saying don't try or don't go to counselling, but don't make yourself a doormat.

He needs to feel the consequences of his actions, not just have his path made easy and get everything his way.

He needs to pay child support while he's not living with his children, he needs to have contact with them on his own at his place. Don't lie down for him and invite him to wipe his feet on you.

PegasusReturns · 05/04/2021 22:23

Why do you care whether he says it’s over or not? You should want it to be over!

He sounds awful!

And he might be telling you he wants counselling and implying he wants a relationship but look at his actions.

Newq · 05/04/2021 22:23

Because he's being inconsiderate and ultimately just selfish.
Be selfish yourself. Do you need this extra shit in your life right now? Focus on the kids. Let him get his own counseling. He chose to move out, well he needs to accept what comes with that ie contact times and maintenance so as to not mess you about further.

LadyGAgain · 05/04/2021 22:24

Why are you giving him the control?

LooseThreads · 05/04/2021 22:26

I don't think you have any cards to play!

He's treated you like a meal ticket until the moment he might have actually had to do something or pay for something, then he left you.

He's probably just saying it's not over you so he doesn't have to pay maintenance!

Your life will be easier and better without this looser.

katieg03 · 05/04/2021 22:26

Honestly, you've done the guys of this yourself. You'll get in to a good routine once you take a step back. Breathe and think practically. Do you rent or own? Either way you can claim universal credit. Not ideal but it's a start. Have you called MA? He has probably set up a counsellor and is sending the bill to your address.

notacooldad · 05/04/2021 22:28

If it was just over, why has he set up couple counselling/ formulated a plan to long term fix us and build us up to being stronger than we’ve ever been? Surely he would just say ‘it’s over!’
Because he is keeping you dangling!
Its his turn to pay and he pulls a stunt like this.
Open your eyes!
Regain control and look at what is really happening.

Quartz2208 · 05/04/2021 22:30

The only card you have to play is that it is over because it is for what you want. This is him making a play to get it back to how he wants it

Move on

ThatOtherPoster · 05/04/2021 22:31

Ignore every word he says - just look at his actions. He’s moved out.

It’s over. The words are just a smokescreen.

Cockenspiel · 05/04/2021 22:32

Fucking hell, what an absolute wanker.

They trying to fix everything is a load of old shite designed to keep you hanging.

Fuck him off, claim CMS and enjoy your maternity leave.

RandomMess · 05/04/2021 22:34

He wants you to let him back on his terms which means he does f all and he keeps all his earnings for him.

No more waltzing in your home daily to see the DC unless that suits you to go off and have a bath or similar.

Open a CMS claim for maintenance, ring up UC and open a claim as a single parent.

He's being an utter shit!!

Unreasonabubble · 05/04/2021 22:36

Why would any man walk out on his two young children? Only a twat. A selfish git. A man who does not want to be tied down by children and wants to be a free, single man who can shag females every night without guilt if he wants to.

You can support your family. Go down the CSA route and get financial support.

Work out visitation rights that suit you and if he objects, let him take you to Court.

PurpleMustang · 05/04/2021 22:36

Its the age old thing of most men don't leave unless they have someone else lined up already. He is probably testing the waters and keeping you hanging on in the mean time. If he loved you and the kids he'd be at home supporting you emotionally and financially, especially as you are pregnant. This way EVERYTHING is on his terms. He wants you to do the pick-me-dance when he didn't even financially contribute and you are about to have a baby. How low can a man get? You need to make him take the kids out, no coming as he pleases, pay maintenance and ignore him. If you play his game you are setting yourself up for accepting any behaviour he wants

Palavah · 05/04/2021 22:37

If it's NOT over, why has he moved out, leaving you to do all the parenting, compromising finances when he was supposed to be contributing more?

category12 · 05/04/2021 22:51

I mean, honestly, it's a great deal for him - he gets you for sex and company, desperate to keep him so never daring to complain or stand up for yourself, see the dc when he likes but do fuck all for them, keeps all his money for himself and has the freedom to do what he likes, maybe test out other women.

Why wouldn't he say that he needs time but wants it work out, and set up counselling and promise you a future together to get all that? he could do that for the six months he has the rental, and then have a crisis and need another six months, and another, and drag this out for as long as you're willing to be suckered.

Trixie78 · 05/04/2021 22:53

@Harmonysg85

If I go down this route the relationship is over.

Oh hon I'm sorry but it's already over, it's damage control now xx

Ohpulltheotherone · 05/04/2021 22:54

So when you finally asked your partner of many years to step up and help you and your kids after giving him endless financial and practical support - he goes and rents his own place and moves out?

This cannot be true surely? He’s gone and finally got himself a job - and taken all the financial benefit and put it elsewhere? Why? Because he could deal with the pressure of family life????

This has got to be up there with one of the worst relationship woes I’ve read on here.

OP - this man does not love you. You do not treat someone you love like this. He has leached off of you for years and has now left you pregnant with no financial support. Is this love? No it is not. It is a selfish lazy prick who wants to keep you hanging on so that when he gets lonely and skint he has someone to come back to.

Please see this for what it is and tell that lazy piece of trash to fuck right off.
Change the locks, Chuck his stuff out and tell him to go to court for a contact order.

Absolutely disgraceful behaviour, he should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.

If you let people treat you like this then your life will be filled with misery and drama. Raise your standards OP, it’ll be tough to start but you will have a better, happier life without someone like this dragging you down

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