To know how to play my cards?

[Harmonysg85]

Sorry, this is only a week on from my last thread but really needing support & guidance 😑.. To cut a really long story short, had an awful pregnancy (14 month old to look after, 3 jobs, house on market, huge commutes, health issues, lack of support, lockdown 🤦‍♀️..) and partner left last week. Within 24 hours he signed for a new place (6 month contract) & I thought that was it. For nearly 5 years I have financially supported him. I can count on one hand the months he’s been able to contribute financially to this household.

All the bills, mortgage etc are in my name. Finally the job situation has been sorted and he has been able to sort himself out. But as I’m the higher earner, everything has just been left in my name/to me.

Because I finish work early, I have done all of the food shops & ended up just paying for them. Initially, for the first couple of months, he contributed to bills & food. Following that he has kept his money, made purchases without consulting with me, been generally financially unavailable again & not open with where his money has gone. He HAS paid the nursery fees which is the one area I have asked him to step up. I’m just distraught now, because he has moved out saying the pressure of everything was too much but he loves me and wants to build our relationship from scratch again making it stronger. He has set up counselling for us and visited nearly every day telling me he loves me & trying to romance me again. The problem is, the one time I now need him he has put his money elsewhere.

I am around the corner from maternity leave and it was his turn to financially take over during these few months so I could have a leave and enjoy the first few months with my two babies! He’s now committed most of his monthly earnings to his new property so I have no choice but to cut my maternity leave short and go back to work prematurely.

I know this has become a financial thread but I’m equally mortified at this plan to waltz in for half an hour a day, kiss the babies, make a cup of tea, have a nice park date for an hour at the weekend then go back to his bachelor pad whilst I cope juggling my 3 jobs/doing it all myself whilst heavily pregnant. How can someone who claims to love me do this?!?!?

But how to play my cards- he wants to make things work and as long as I’m nice as pie, show no disgruntlement & say the right things, this is giving me the chance of us being a family but every inch of me inside is screaming...

It can’t be more over than leaving and renting a new place while you are heavily pregnant. Disgusting behaviour.

If he genuinely wanted to improve things and go to counselling, he could have done that from within the home he shared with you and his family.

You are going to have to face up to the fact that your relationship is over and you're going to be doing this on your own. Sorry but what sort or man leaves his heavily pregnant partner and child and 'pops in' to quickly check up on you all. What a worthless loser. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it must be terrible, but this bloke is spineless and weak. I'd rather have no help than 30mins of his time.

Wake up OP please!

He has full backing of his family (who haven’t even bothered to check up on me after looking after him all these years). His mum actually helped/actively encouraged him to move out and do this.

My family are livid...

I only did all of his washing, put tea on the table every day/had it ready the second he walked in, did all the housework, paid all the bills, even took the bloody bins out every... single... week.

We argued because I asked for more support. He has moved out as doesn’t want DD to witness any tension in them house. All he had to do was... offer some support 😑😔

No ammount of counselling is going to make him see that he is grossly unfair.
In every way imaginable.
He has no redeeming features, he is not a credit to your family.

People like this only realise what they have lost when it is gone.
I know it's hard to let go especially when you have young children, but things will get easier and you are so capable.
All the things you ask for are not unreasonable, he is, but you know that.

This man has brought you nothing but grief and pain, why would you hold on to that?

It's over.

Take control.

Bin him.

He's playing you and it will go on and on and on.

It's time for you to get rid of him.

To have to "play your cards" suggest playing a game.

Do you really need to be having to play games to try to make a "partner" live up to the basic responsibilities of the family they chose to create?

It really sounds like he is privately living a bachelor lifestyle while keeping you on a string dangling & hoping for him to make up his mind.

He currently holds the Ace up his sleeve because you're desperate to make it work & have accepted the shit hand he has dealt you.

The sooner you realise this relationship is over & you're being used, the better off you'll be.

In the words of MN "what is the point of him"

You need to look at your babies and plan a life with them.
He needs to bend over backwards to win you back. If he is not willing to make the effort, keep the separation as permanent.
Currently he is calling the shots and making you dance to his tune.
You and your DC are worth more than that.

@Harmonysg85

If I go down this route the relationship is over.

The relationship is already over op given what he’s done and how he has treated you.

Welcome to the world of a single mom. You can now ask for child support from him and you can set up specific days that he gets to look after the kids and you enjoy the time to yourself for a change. It will be what you make of it. So enforce change that suits you. Think long term . Don't be a martyr. Before you know it the kids will be going strait to Nanny's because he can't be arsed to look after them. She will love it and they kids will too. And you will enjoy the break. It just doesn't seem like that at the moment. But trust me, give it time.

You’re stuck in martyr mode, understandably, while he’s moved on. It must sting that he was the one to finally take steps to extricate himself and start wrapping the relationship up (even though he’s too much of a coward to directly do it) :(

Gently, what are you looking for on here? Just to vent? Advice?

He’s done it this way so you don’t claim CMS and so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.

Don’t fall for it. Use the counselling to work out how you will compare to moving forward. Insist he takes the DC overnight and not at your house.
He wants the single life? Show him how it’s going to look

He has done you a favour- you were wasting your life on him and he is nothing but a scrounger.

The best outcome now is that he keeps that job so you can claim maintenance- he will cry poverty no doubt but fuck him! You have yourself and your children to think about now- he is no longer your problem.

Put in a claim for Universal Credit sooner rather than later- don’t start the claim on or near your pay date.

Your life will be immeasurably easier without him in it.

@Harmonysg85

I only did all of his washing, put tea on the table every day/had it ready the second he walked in, did all the housework, paid all the bills, even took the bloody bins out every... single... week.

We argued because I asked for more support. He has moved out as doesn’t want DD to witness any tension in them house. All he had to do was... offer some support 😑😔

You've basically been his mum the entire time. He can't handle any responsibility so he moved out. He is weak and pathetic. Can you not see it?

You're plying your cards? So that HE makes the decision to stay with you?

Why are you being so passive? why aren't YOU deciding that the relationship is over? Because it's truly shit isn't it? It isn't proper relationship. You need to take control and move on. Your life will be happier nd your daughter will have a much better role model in life.

@Harmonysg85

If I go down this route the relationship is over.

It's over anyway.

He can only keep you in this limbo land for years dangling the happy family carrot while fucking off leaving you to do the hard yards if you let him.

This is no way to treat anyone you "love".

He has failed you horribly.
Claim CMS and see what happens. that'll tell you the sort of man loser you are dealing with.

In your shoes I’d take up the offer of couple’s counseling, and when it’s your turn to describe the situation I’d give a rundown of the financial situation in front of the counselor and then ask your (presumably) soon -to-be-XP what exactly he thinks he’s bringing to the table in this ´relationship’ where he provides no financial input, only 30minutes a day of fun parenting and clearly has zero regard for your needs, wants and zero respect or acknowledgement of the work you put in for your shared family. He might not be able to acknowledge any wrongdoing or make any changes but it might make you feel more secure in your feelings and decisions to watch the counselor’s jaw drop. One session should do I’d say.

You would be mad to put up with this. Don’t be complicit in your own abuse. End the relationship right now and pursue a claim for child maintenance through CMS. He has shown you he doesn’t care about you except for the ways in which you can facilitate his happiness. Don’t put up with it.

It will be interesting to see how he manages running a home by himself if he can’t even out out the bins. Probably fine which shows the disrespect he has for you.

He's moved out - that tells you it's over.

OP,

What an utter waster.

I mean this really kindly but where is your self respect?

He is so dreadful.

He is utter scum.

Lean on your family and move on.

Don't have anything more to do with him romantically.

He couldn't give a damn about you are his children.

I'm so sorry.
Lean on family and friends and move on.

Op, what did you learn about relationships growing up? When/where did you get taught that men are purely ornamental but you desperately need to have one? What is behind your lack of self-worth that leads you to accept being treated poorly and think the answer is to shrink your needs even further and smaller?

Of course his family support him, I daresay the lazy entitled feckless apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Would you do this OP? Your DH asks for more support with the kids/housework/life admin, asks for financial support as he needs to you help out with the finances.

So you move out so you dont have to do any of the above, Would you do that OP? No you wouldnt as you want to be a family and you want to step up and help your husband and do the best for your family.

He didnt, That tells you everything you need to know.

As for setting up counselling sessions etc, talk is cheap OP, just because he has said he set them up doesnt mean they will materialise. Or he wants the councillor to agree with him that he is in the right and you are unreasonable to ask this from him.

He is not a good man OP, he has left you high and dry when you are at your most vulnerable.

OP - you should want this relationship to be over. A relationship is supposed to be teamwork. What did you learn about relationships growing up that caused you to settle for such a selfish, useless lump of a man? Only a bastard would treat his young family this way. You don’t want a bastard. Stop lying down so he can wipe his feet on you.

It’s a shame that your mat leave will be cut short but everything else about him going is great. This man is not a keeper. As PP have said, put in a claim through child maintenance. Also see if there is other help you can get that will allow you a bit more mat leave despite him going.