To know how to play my cards?

[Harmonysg85]

Sorry, this is only a week on from my last thread but really needing support & guidance 😑.. To cut a really long story short, had an awful pregnancy (14 month old to look after, 3 jobs, house on market, huge commutes, health issues, lack of support, lockdown 🤦‍♀️..) and partner left last week. Within 24 hours he signed for a new place (6 month contract) & I thought that was it. For nearly 5 years I have financially supported him. I can count on one hand the months he’s been able to contribute financially to this household.

All the bills, mortgage etc are in my name. Finally the job situation has been sorted and he has been able to sort himself out. But as I’m the higher earner, everything has just been left in my name/to me.

Because I finish work early, I have done all of the food shops & ended up just paying for them. Initially, for the first couple of months, he contributed to bills & food. Following that he has kept his money, made purchases without consulting with me, been generally financially unavailable again & not open with where his money has gone. He HAS paid the nursery fees which is the one area I have asked him to step up. I’m just distraught now, because he has moved out saying the pressure of everything was too much but he loves me and wants to build our relationship from scratch again making it stronger. He has set up counselling for us and visited nearly every day telling me he loves me & trying to romance me again. The problem is, the one time I now need him he has put his money elsewhere.

I am around the corner from maternity leave and it was his turn to financially take over during these few months so I could have a leave and enjoy the first few months with my two babies! He’s now committed most of his monthly earnings to his new property so I have no choice but to cut my maternity leave short and go back to work prematurely.

I know this has become a financial thread but I’m equally mortified at this plan to waltz in for half an hour a day, kiss the babies, make a cup of tea, have a nice park date for an hour at the weekend then go back to his bachelor pad whilst I cope juggling my 3 jobs/doing it all myself whilst heavily pregnant. How can someone who claims to love me do this?!?!?

But how to play my cards- he wants to make things work and as long as I’m nice as pie, show no disgruntlement & say the right things, this is giving me the chance of us being a family but every inch of me inside is screaming...

He’s used you and when you needed him he’s moved out!! I can’t believe what I’m reading. He’s played a Trump card. It’s all his way or the highway. This is not a relationship. His mother encouraged this! What a bitch. She is meddling. She wants control and she’s got it. This is not how an adult behaves. The only card you should play is a shut down. You say “since you’ve been gone I’ve done some thinking and I think it’s for the best you stay where you are long term. Please don’t turn up at the house. I’ll contact CMS today to get child maintenance claimed and a solicitor to draw up a contact arrangement. From now on you will have EOW at your flat so you will be parenting solo 50% of the time. You will no longer have any access to me. I will be rebuilding a life without you as you cannot be trusted to support me or act like an adult. You made a drastic move and cut me off when I needed you. So be it. Have a nice life”
and mean it

No one loves a doormat. They are looked down on and walked all over. That is all.

Wow. What an absolute dickhead.

Please don’t do the ‘pick me dance’. Google the Freedom programme, do it if you’re able to. Use entitledto or call CAB to work out what benefits you can get as a single person. Set up proper childcare arrangements (not on his terms, not in your house). Get him to pay child maintenance.

@stoopider perfectly put

@stoopider perfect post! OP - copy this, take a screenshot and read it every time you feel a wobble. What an unbelievable arsehole, he's really getting the best of both worlds - all the nice bits of family life without any of the heavy lifting or "pressure". You need to drop him!!

He has taken an odd route to fix you both... by moving away from the relationship when you need him the most. How would that ever fix things?! His parents only back him because they have his version of events.

He has left the family home both physically and financially. I think the absolute best thing to do is go and claim CMS. Then it gives you some financial control and freedom to extend your maternity leave. I have always regretted only taking 4 months off with my first, then going back to a demanding job which took over my life.

You can also use it as a hook, saying well you have made the decision to live independently, this is one of the most important bills you need to secure. If we decide to get back together as a couple then our finances together will cover the cost of our children but until this time of it ever happens, the children still need that financial support.

@stoopider

He’s used you and when you needed him he’s moved out!! I can’t believe what I’m reading. He’s played a Trump card. It’s all his way or the highway. This is not a relationship. His mother encouraged this! What a bitch. She is meddling. She wants control and she’s got it. This is not how an adult behaves. The only card you should play is a shut down. You say “since you’ve been gone I’ve done some thinking and I think it’s for the best you stay where you are long term. Please don’t turn up at the house. I’ll contact CMS today to get child maintenance claimed and a solicitor to draw up a contact arrangement. From now on you will have EOW at your flat so you will be parenting solo 50% of the time. You will no longer have any access to me. I will be rebuilding a life without you as you cannot be trusted to support me or act like an adult. You made a drastic move and cut me off when I needed you. So be it. Have a nice life” and mean it

Or this works!

Love I hate to say this as you have so much on your plate right now, but this man child is a total arse, he is fully disrespecting you and his children.
He is treating you like crap.

If you allow him to just swan in for his tea and hugs then you are being foolish!

Do you really want a relationship with someone who couldn’t give a shit about you and your children?

He is using you and will do until you have nothing left to give.

The counselling sounds like a smoke screen to keep you dangling.

Please from a single mother who has escaped years of physical and emotional torture from her ex I can tell you you are worth more than this!!!!!!

Please don’t be afraid of being a single parent, yes I have lonely moments but the sheer relief and power that comes of being able to make the decisions I want, with the prospect of a future of happiness was worth every moment.

Please be brave and look at your situation from a logical point of view.

What does he honestly bring to your life other than fathering your children?

Are you more a parent to him than a partner?

Is there any equality in your relationship?

Does he respect and support you?

Does he make your life harder by his actions with no regard for your needs or welfare?

Please think about these questions.

Mostly

Please know you are worth more than what you have been given
For you and your children please consider your needs and options carefully x

So he’s moved out enough that he doesn’t have to contribute to the family finances but not so much that he has to pay child maintenance?

He’s moved out enough so that he doesn’t have to do any of the tough day to day parenting but not so much that he has to have the children alone during access weekends?

He’s moved out enough so that he doesn’t have to emotionally or physically support you but not so much that he doesn’t still get to shag you?

Wow! Sounds awesome! I might try it with dh. Except - of course - no man would put up with it.

Well I think it’s safe to say the responses on here send out a pretty consistent message. Does that mean nobody has successfully separated Witt a view of working through things and managed to resolve issues? I am beginning to see that time apart is allowing us both time to take a step back and gain insight into what has been happening. Or at least it has for me 🤦‍♀️. It would be very simple if he just told me it was over but he isn’t and this is making it very hard to act moving forwards.

I don’t think I am eligible to universal credit. Because I have 3 jobs, I am entitled to SMP x 2 which puts me over the limit but is not enough for me to get by on.

In terms of Child Maintenance, do the CSA even still exist? I went through them 15 years ago with my teenagers dad and got nowhere. They were utterly hopeless.

Also do I need to put in a claim right away in order to backdate it or can I state a bit further down the line the date he moved out?

@Harmonysg85

If it was just over, why has he set up couple counselling/ formulated a plan to long term fix us and build us up to being stronger than we’ve ever been? Surely he would just say ‘it’s over!’

Err because he wants to fuck you without any of the financial downside. Wake up.

Your cards seem to be accepting him moving out, leaving all the hard work to you and coming back when you once again can take care of everything and he doesn't have to lift a finger.

I'm not sure that's a winning hand. I'd put them back and reshuffle!

Not by moving out no. Staying together, sharing the load and working through issues yes.

@Harmonysg85 yes some people spilt and reconcile but it takes a huge amount of work. On both parties.

You ex doesn’t seem to have any interest in reconciling and I’m still not clear why you’d want to - what does he bring to the relationship?

@Harmonysg85

Also do I need to put in a claim right away in order to backdate it or can I state a bit further down the line the date he moved out?

I would put the claim in now, I had smp x 2 as well and I had some minimal tax credits in that time.

Play with the numbers, as you will have childcare to pay for when you go back and they could help towards that.

Nobody ever successfully worked through relationship difficulties on their own op. It takes two, and he is a very selfish man child who doesn’t give a shit about you or his baby, except to value you as a domestic appliance that comes with sex and funds his life. He’s not working through anything.

Ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship.?
He provides no material , emotional or financial support but you do get sex which also benefits him.

I would say LTB but he has already left.

If he wanted to reconcile, he’d be making much more of an effort to actually support you and spend more time with you, rather than still taking advantage of you.

I’m sorry. Things are hard enough for you but by falling for his lies and making excuses for him, you’re only being unfair on yourself.
He’s the arse who walked out, who can’t be responsible or be a decent partner and father and he’s somehow made it your issue for you to work on with him.

Tell him to take his counselling himself and resolve his own issues.

Does that mean nobody has successfully separated Witt a view of working through things and managed to resolve issues?

It can work, if neither of you are pisstaking freeloaders.

Honestly, just WHY would you even want this person in your Life?

Why on earth do you want to fix this relationship? It's over if you say it is. Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who treats you this way?

What's to resolve? His idea of trying to fix your relationship is to put you under massive financial stress whilst also leaving you with 99% of the childcare. He isn't trying to fix anything. He's successfully washed his hands of all responsibility. There is nothing to fix here.

Why on earth would you want to reconcile? He's useless.