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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheated for 2 years now he’s madly in love with me

79 replies

98xox · 05/04/2021 13:00

So about 4 years ago I went out with this guy for 2 years and he cheated on me for the whole 2 years I was with him, start to finish.

I would find him asking 20 + girls to meet up for sex and he even took a girl on a date and he would send girls the same nudes he’d send me. He really didn’t care about me finding out but I caught him on many occasions by going into his phone but I decided to stay..

I eventually left him. And we stopped speaking for a year and then got back in contact. We’ve had sex a few times and I’ve allowed him to stop at my flat aswell. I do not want a relationship with him, I am no longer attracted to him and there’s just no spark, we’re very opposite.

He sends me gifts, writes me paragraphs on how much he loves me and how I make him the happiest man ever. How he can’t live without me etc and has been doing this for the past year. He says our year of not speaking made him realise how much he loves me.. he talks about having kids with me and how he has never thought like that about any other girl, he says he wants to marry me. I could go on and on..

He seems to have changed, but I just don’t feel the same way about him the way he does for me..

And he doesn’t just wana be friends

He used to also treat me as his trophy girl back when we used to date, telling me to wear certain clothes etc etc.

The thing is I feel pressured into being with him, and I need to give him my final decision soon. I don’t want to break his heart or hurt him. I’m 22 and he’s 27.

What do I do???

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 05/04/2021 13:02

Run and don’t look back

ItsJustTheOneSwanActually · 05/04/2021 13:03

Chuck him out.

Original poster
98xox · 05/04/2021 13:03

@ohfourfoxache I feel like I’m letting him down. He tries to include me in his future so much like him getting his own flat so we can spend more time together, me and him travelling 😭

OP posts:
Calmingvibrations · 05/04/2021 13:06

If he had really changed, he wouldn’t expect you to forgive him.
If he’d really changed he’d be thinking - wow what a total #€$¥ I’ve been to @98xox* - I have too much respect for her now and she is better off without me in her life.

If you don’t cut him out of your life, you will live to regret it. Seriously. Start running.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/04/2021 13:08

What on earth are you doing? Dump this loser and block him before you allow him to ruin your life. Why are your standards so shockingly low?

MyOtherProfile · 05/04/2021 13:09

Don't be an idiot. You don't love him. You owe him nothing. He cheated on you massively. Tell him you've been using him for sex lately but it's not that great so you're calling it a day.

AnyFucker · 05/04/2021 13:11

Have you any mind of your own ? At all ?

dudsville · 05/04/2021 13:11

When you ask for advice about this, listen. This man is not worth your time.

78percentLindt · 05/04/2021 13:11

[quote 98xox]@ohfourfoxache I feel like I’m letting him down. He tries to include me in his future so much like him getting his own flat so we can spend more time together, me and him travelling 😭[/quote]
And???
You don't like him, he doesn't pretend to be faithful. I suggest the only reason he is coming up with all the lines is that you left him, he is not used to it and he wants to reel you in so he can then give you the push.
Don't listen to him,, block him, run in the other direction.
You don't have to be nice to him!

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/04/2021 13:12

Oh OP. Come on now. Don’t be such a daftie.

He’s absolutely bullshitting you, none of it is real, and he would make you just as much of a fool as before. This is just his latest persona/little passing project and I guarantee he is saying the same things to one or more other girls.

Focus on having self respect. He’s running rings around you laughing at you, and probably can’t believe you’re falling for it again.

ThePlantsitter · 05/04/2021 13:13

He likes you now because you're being aloof. You owe him nothing. Even if he hadn't already treated you craply you wouldn't. Your body and your life are yours to do with as you please.

I reckon if you started a proper relationship in which you gave him your full focus and love he would cheat on you and say it was because you were clingy, but I don't recommend the experiment!!!

Pegsonstrings · 05/04/2021 13:14

Oh for god sake get a grip the man is clearly love bombing you and taking advantage because he knows you will tolerate whatever shot he throws your way.

Cut contacts with him, it's in your best interest and before you srmtart feeling sorry for him think about how awfully he has allowed himself to treat you. Place a higher regard on yourself and make sure you ask yourself why you allow him to do this to you. He doesn't love you, he loves what you bring him, which is sex.

This will break you if you continue.

Brightbulbs · 05/04/2021 13:16

You’re young, dump this loser. The only reason he wants you is because he can sense he has no control over you.

WhatMattersMost · 05/04/2021 13:17

The burning question here isn't whether you'd take him back or not. It is why are you attracted to, and even thinking about taking back, a man who is absolutely no good for you?

Pegsonstrings · 05/04/2021 13:18

Look out for articles on narcissistic behaviour. YouTube is great for that. Please learn to stay away from anyone like this because they will break your spirit.

Wanderlusto · 05/04/2021 13:19

Are you sniffing glue? xD

Of course he does not love you.
He is love bombing you. Its what manipulative psychopaths do. He hasn't changed- it's still all about what he wants! He doesn't care about you or your boundaries or respecting you. He is scum. And crazy, stalkery scum at that.

Tell him never to contact you again or you will report him to the police for harassment(which is what what he is doing us btw). Then block him on everything.

I also suggest you look into doing the 'freedom programme' course online so that you can learn to spot abusers like him and escape because you are tolerating far too much shit.

Magnificentbeast · 05/04/2021 13:24

He sounds vile. Do not have children with this man.

As a pp has said, you owe him nothing. What you're feeling is flattered that you have 'changed' this awful man. You haven't. You think you've gained some sort of power over him. You haven't. Who wants a relationship like that anyway.

Run as far as you can, as fast as you can. Do. Not. Look. Back.

Sakurami · 05/04/2021 13:29

This is a game to him. He isn't in love with you and he doesn't want you. What he wants is fir you to be in love with him so he can continue his sick game playing.

Or he's emotionally unavailable. Whatever it is, block him and don't let him back into your life in any shape or form.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/04/2021 13:31

Or just give your body and life to him to fuck over as he chooses. It's not as though you have any choice, is it?

You can't let him down.

You don't have a life without him, a home, a job, friends, family.

You don't have any agency over what happens to your body.

So pop your trainers on so that next time he calls you can run straight to him.

It maybe, just maybe, you can laugh at him and tell him to piss off!

Ruminating2020 · 05/04/2021 13:31

He sends me gifts, writes me paragraphs on how much he loves me and how I make him the happiest man ever. How he can’t live without me etc and has been doing this for the past year. He says our year of not speaking made him realise how much he loves me.. he talks about having kids with me and how he has never thought like that about any other girl, he says he wants to marry me. I could go on and on..

@98xox This is love bombing and those are phrases that a manipulator would use.

You shouldn't feel pressured into being with anyone. If the pressure is there then that's a sign to tell you it's not right.

Breaking his heart now is far, far better than betraying yourself and going along with it to spare his feelings. He will be disappointed but you matter too. He might even be aggressive or turn nasty, but that is a sure sign you made the right decision.

Have nothing more to do with him op.

willowmelangell · 05/04/2021 13:36

This man lies and cheats as easily as breathing.
Cut him off.

At 22 you should be having fun not giving this man any of your time or head space.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 05/04/2021 13:37

He's using you!
He likes it that you're at his beck and call like a little lap dog.
You are worth much better than this cheating loser.
Keep telling yourself that and get shot.

zenasfuck · 05/04/2021 13:40

You are 22, the world is literally your oyster and you have a whole lifetime ahead of you

Why do you not want better for yourself?

This man only wants you because he can sense he's lost you- it's a challenge for him and as soon as he has you back he will revert to type

Get back with him now and he'll promise you the world, talk you in to having children and before you know it, you'll be 40 and it's much, much harder to leave when you have children and have invested 20 years of your life - he will still be cheating on you

TheVanguardSix · 05/04/2021 13:44

He seems to have changed

With HUGE emphasis on the word seems, which does not at all mean he has changed.

The thing is I feel pressured into being with him, and I need to give him my final decision soon

If this isn't the nail in the coffin, I don't know what it. Love, real love, is no pressure. This is not how a person who loves you behaves. This, combined with the history of cheating, has me wondering why you've not laced up your skates yet!

PicsInRed · 05/04/2021 13:45

He likes you because you no longer give a shit, so he needs to win back your adulation, at which point you'll be basically ignored again.

If he ever feels he has you stuck, pregnant, married etc., he'll instantly revert to abusing you as that is what abusers do.

I would dump him, personally, in case you catch feelings again and consequently make poor choices. You're playing with an unexploded grenade.