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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheated for 2 years now he’s madly in love with me

79 replies

98xox · 05/04/2021 13:00

So about 4 years ago I went out with this guy for 2 years and he cheated on me for the whole 2 years I was with him, start to finish.

I would find him asking 20 + girls to meet up for sex and he even took a girl on a date and he would send girls the same nudes he’d send me. He really didn’t care about me finding out but I caught him on many occasions by going into his phone but I decided to stay..

I eventually left him. And we stopped speaking for a year and then got back in contact. We’ve had sex a few times and I’ve allowed him to stop at my flat aswell. I do not want a relationship with him, I am no longer attracted to him and there’s just no spark, we’re very opposite.

He sends me gifts, writes me paragraphs on how much he loves me and how I make him the happiest man ever. How he can’t live without me etc and has been doing this for the past year. He says our year of not speaking made him realise how much he loves me.. he talks about having kids with me and how he has never thought like that about any other girl, he says he wants to marry me. I could go on and on..

He seems to have changed, but I just don’t feel the same way about him the way he does for me..

And he doesn’t just wana be friends

He used to also treat me as his trophy girl back when we used to date, telling me to wear certain clothes etc etc.

The thing is I feel pressured into being with him, and I need to give him my final decision soon. I don’t want to break his heart or hurt him. I’m 22 and he’s 27.

What do I do???

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 05/04/2021 13:53

You don't owe him anything and you don't want him, so get rid. To him, you're the one who got away and he doesn't like that.

You can do so much better.

JovialNickname · 05/04/2021 14:02

It doesn't actually even matter that he's a lying, cheating turd. He could be someone who reads to blind children whilst rescuing injured puppies. The fact is that you don't like him and you are not attracted to him. This means you say NO. For God's sake don't go out with him out of politeness, that's insane.

Please work on your boundaries and being more assertive. This bloke sounds horrible, but there are many truly evil and dangerous people out there that prey on those that they consider low hanging fruit; ie people that are completely unable to say no and will absolutely do anything they are told - even (or especially) when it is to their own detriment.

You sound like you are like this, and it makes me worry for you. You could end up in much worse situations than this if you don't learn to put some boundaries down.

StormTreader · 05/04/2021 14:05

Why are you sleeping with him when you're not attracted to him any more?

tara66 · 05/04/2021 14:08

''He's all over you till all over someone else'' - this saying came to mind.

Original poster
98xox · 05/04/2021 14:10

Guys, I spent the day with him yesterday.. we went to a field and spoke and I did try to tell him that he hurt me and broke my trust and it’ll never be the same but all he says is give me a chance, since last year he has been declaring his love to me. He doesn’t care about my happiness, only the fact that I’m apparently his happiness

According to him now I’m perfect, I’m a goddess, I have no faults. It’s weird.

I think the fact that he keeps telling me his desires and dreams that are to travel the world with me, have kids etc etc is what has stopped me from locking him off.

Also if I decide to phone him randomly bc I’m bored, he’ll take that as an indication that I like him or want me I be with him, though I have told him I’ve missed him before.

I don’t want to be with him, but he makes me feel so guilty.

OP posts:
Original poster
98xox · 05/04/2021 14:13

@StormTreader the last time I had sex with him was November I think. & the only reason is because when he would be at my flat he would be constantly horny and hump me, touch me etc till I gave in just to make him stop.

The thought of ever having sex with him again makes me sick. I’m not attracted to him in the slightest.

There was one time I really did consider being with him and I told him I wanted to take things slow and he was like he wants sex as sex is very important to him and he doesn’t know how long he can wait for me as it was really hard not having sex..

OP posts:
Original poster
98xox · 05/04/2021 14:16

I think I’m at fault here too as whenever I’m sad or bored I’ll phone him not that he can ever comfort me.. but I’m so used to running straight to him that I wouldn’t know what to do without him

OP posts:
Moomin12345 · 05/04/2021 14:22

Grow some self esteem or you'll be back here in 5 years with a couple of babies asking how to leave a cheating partner and cope alone after giving into his pathological love bombing.

chipsandgin · 05/04/2021 14:24

You have zero obligation to him, especially when he treated you badly & is a complete arsehole.

Just run for the hills, have nothing to do with him, don’t engage in any communication, do NOT phone him - he’ll soon find someone else to manipulate/stalk..

Also, don’t ever sleep with people you aren’t attracted to, never allow people to tell you what to wear or do & learn how to say NO! All absolutely essential life tips if you don’t want to end up unhappy, a doormat and/or being controlled & manipulated by some entitled self-centred bellend like him, people like that will always prey on others who don’t stand up for themselves or who don’t have much of a sense of self worth.

Please walk away...also work on your self-esteem - you honestly don’t have to put up with that kind of shit & good, decent men wouldn’t do it & wouldn’t expect you to. As for ‘I wouldn’t know what to do without him’ - he’s probably engineered that situation, but you’d be fine, rely on your friends or family or if you don’t have either then work on making new friends or reconnecting with old ones!?

You are so young, you have a choice not to go down this path & you have so many options and opportunities and time ahead of you to do whatever/be whatever & make life what you want it to be, he really doesn’t deserve to be part of that.

Dery · 05/04/2021 14:25

You say no and you run hard in the opposite direction. You don’t owe him a relationship. It doesn’t matter if he buys you presents or treats you like a princess. It wouldn’t even matter if he had always behaved well. If you don’t want to be with him, that’s it. You can’t make the heart want what it doesn’t want.

Practically everyone has been in the position of having feelings for someone which were not reciprocated and nearly everyone has been the object of feelings which they did not reciprocate. That’s life - it hurts for a bit and then you move on. But this guy - well, he treated you like shit when you were together. He had his chance and he blew it. He killed your feelings. It’s excellent that his mistreatment of you killed your feelings for him - that’s healthy and how it should be.

But anyway, why do you think his feelings count for more than yours? What have you learnt about relationships that makes you think you owe him a relationship? Please look into this. Parents owe children a relationship. No adult owes another adult a relationship. Draw a line under him and move on.

Onelifeonly · 05/04/2021 14:25

Stop contacting him. You're giving him mixed messages. If he really loves you, he will interpret you as feeling the same way towards him. You will find you CAN live without him. You need to be strong.

Sakurami · 05/04/2021 14:26

Wtf. You aren't attracted to him, you had sex with him because he keeps pestering you. Just block him and move on. You haven't won anything by getting his attention now - which I think is what is keeping you around - you think it is a victory after getting rejected by him before that he says he loves you now. It isn't a victory and the man doesn't give a shiny shit about you.

peachgreen · 05/04/2021 14:26

I despair, I really do.

Dery · 05/04/2021 14:27

As for not knowing what you would do without him - as PP have said: you’re 22 - find some really good female friends. You don’t need this guy. He’s bad for you. He’s manipulative and exploitative.

HedgeOwl · 05/04/2021 14:28

Seriously, kick him out. There is nothing to think about or discuss, you don’t enter a relationship because you feel guilty.
Move on and find someone who loves you.
And next time the first time you catch someone cheating should always be the last time.

Dery · 05/04/2021 14:29

And yes, don’t spend time with him. You need to go no contact. It’s just too messy otherwise.

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 05/04/2021 14:37

You don't owe him a thing. Stop sleeping with him! He had his chance. He's trying to reel you back in with the love bombing and once he's got you, he'll be up to his old tricks.

rosabug · 05/04/2021 14:39

Might be useful to ask yourself why you are writing this actually - I sense there is a bit of 'display' on your part or a self- aggrandising 'dangerous romance' narrative going on - to me.

Because the answer's obvious isn't it? But you want to hang around and wallow in it. From my perspective you're tangled up together (and that's no accident) because you're both driven by equal but different inabilities to connect honestly and with integrity.

But you're very young - so you could do with getting some therapy or doing some research into attachment styles. This guy is a headfuck - But you also need to find out why you are 'attached' to him? Otherwise the next one will be rinse and repeat.

1FootInTheRave · 05/04/2021 14:51

Get some self respect and get rid.

Outofplacetoday · 05/04/2021 14:51

Block him, delete his number, whatever you have to do to get rid.

He's not going to be a positive influence in your life and you've already said he doesn't care about your happiness.

You get one life, don't waste it with him

Wanderlusto · 05/04/2021 14:55

The only thing thats relevant really is that he repulses you. Why would you ever sleep with someone who repulses you? Wheres your respect for yourself? Find it and block him.

tsmainsqueeze · 05/04/2021 14:57

He didn't think about hurting you or breaking your heart !
Read through the many threads on here from people putting up with total shit from total losers , what reply would you give ?
Why on earth would you have sex with him when you don't want to ?
Move on asap and don't look back.

thenewduchessofhastings · 05/04/2021 14:58

Time to end it altogether and go no contact with him.

Without him loitering in the background your free to a man that isn't like him.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 05/04/2021 14:58

So, you gave in and had sex with him because he was being rapey and sexually assaulting you anyway?

He doesn't feel love. He feels ownership and entitlement. And the last year has been really difficult for creepy, rapey guys that cheat so he isn't getting laid somewhere else.

If somebody has the ability to make you feel like you're kicking a puppy when they're abusing you - which is exactly what he was doing - block and stay the fuck away forever.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 05/04/2021 15:01

What to do? You tell him to piss off!