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Original poster

Does this text message sound okay to send to the man I like?

121 replies

SLG86 · 05/04/2021 00:26

I started texting a man at the end of January but as he often works all over the country, I've only met him four times. However, we text every single day and I really like him so I want to know what he is looking for from a woman. I saw him today before he left for his next work placement but felt too scared to ask him so I've drafted this text message:

"You know we were talking about Tinder and Plenty of Fish yesterday? I realised I hadn't asked you this before but what is your situation at the moment? Are you seeing other people, just looking for someone to have something casual and fun with, or looking to date someone for an eventual relationship? X x"

Do you think this would freak him out or does it sound okay to send?

OP posts:
Restlessinthenorth · 05/04/2021 14:41

Make your position know now, and loudly. I did this with my now DP of 3 years. After a month or so he was like "I don't want to rush it, we are having fun, who knows" etc. I said fair enough. Not what I'm looking for. Bye. No more contact and moved on.

He came back to me with a very changed tune once he knew he wasn't having his cake and eating it. He is honestly now devoted.

I think the world of Online dating encourages people to keep looking and see what's round the corner. You need to make it clearly known that you aren't that woman. No chit chat, no flirty texts from now. Just a "let me know if your position ever changes and I'll let you know if I'm still interested"

PurpleRainDancer · 05/04/2021 14:44

@AtrociousCircumstance

I reckon it should be more about what you want.

“Hey, it’s been great chatting to/getting to know you recently! I’m at a stage where I’m looking to date someone, potentially leading to a relationship. Where are you with that right now?”

Be clear and confident about what you want.

This. Your message comes across a bit needy.
MaryfromCrewe · 05/04/2021 14:47

Men are generally simple beings and I do not mean that in a negative way. Ask him a very clear and to the point question. Do not use 100 words when 20 will do.

SarahBellam · 05/04/2021 14:49

You’ve only been texting for two months and gone on 4 dates! I can see why he said exactly what he said - he’s probably getting ready to run for the hills. My DP and I didn’t have that conversation until 3 months of seeing each other weekly. He’s likely to be seeing other women when he’s not seeing you, and he’s not doing anything wrong, and you should meet other men (COVID permitting) too. Do not put all your eggs in one basket with OLD. His response is perfectly appropriate to someone he’s seen 4 times.

cookiecreampie · 05/04/2021 14:50

My impression from the conversation is that he's sleeping with other women, from the thing he said about him getting sex if he wants it. I don't think he sounds interested in having a relationship with you, or it may be with anyone in general but you're wasting your time with him either way. You're not going to get what you want from this man.

cookiecreampie · 05/04/2021 14:51

And I wouldn't message him. I'd stop being so available to him and see how he initiates contact.

mrsfeatherbottom · 05/04/2021 14:53

I think you need to dump him for spelling cool with a k

Lipz · 05/04/2021 14:55

@SLG86

So I've copied and pasted the conversation we had:

Him: Im just chilling not rushing, wanting to get to know a person and corse have a bit of fun. What bout you? xx

Me: I'm wanting to get to know someone and see where it progresses to but I'm not looking for anything casual x x

Him: Are you looking for something serious then? xx

Me: Not immediately as I want to get to know someone properly first but in the long run, yes. I've done the whole casual sex thing and it's not what I'm looking for. I enjoy talking to you and meeting up with you but I don't want to be a casual fling or someone's go-to for sex so that's why I'm asking x x

Him: I get ya. Shall we just get married then lol xx

Me: You idiot lol. I'm being serious. I don't wanna waste my time if all you're looking for is sex x x

Him: I can get sex when I want tbf. It seems you want something really serious. We've only met each other a couple of times, it takes me a while to like and get with someone so if youre looking for something serious now Im not that guy xx

Me: I'm not looking for something serious immediately but I want to be meeting up with someone to see where it goes and if something will eventually develop x x

Him: Well that's kool, I'm up for that x x

God I've read it completely different to others.

First he sounds like he has a good sense of humour regarding the wedding.

To me it says.... He's just chilling, not rushing, wanting to get to know a person first and have fun, as in not starting a serious relationship immediately, getting to know you more as you both may not be compatible and having fun. With the outlook of a serious relationship if things go well for BOTH of you.

The, I can get sex anywhere is him saying, if that is what he is just after, he could get it from anyone, he doesn't need to get to know someone and try see if a relationship can be built. If he just wanted sex, he has no problems getting that. It sounds like, if it was just about sex, he wouldn't be bothering dating you in the hope you sleep with him.

He explains that it takes him time to get to know someone, that's fine, most of us are like this, we like to get to know a person first, have fun, go on dates, have sex. There are people though who want from day one a serious relationship, they want to be talking babies, houses, weddings etc there no harm having some fun while getting to know each other, sure that's how most of us build relationships.

He's saying if you want serious now, he's not that guy.

You did say you didn't want something serious immediately and he's up for that, which is what you're basically up for too, getting to know each other first, having fun and seeing where it's going.

Some Blokes think differently to us. If you smile at them they think you want to have sex, if you mention serious they think weddings, houses, babies.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 05/04/2021 14:56

@SLG86

Should I wait until he's back at the end of April and speak to him in person or should I just do it now by text?
If you're not together, is there any need to have any conversation at all?
Orangerunner10 · 05/04/2021 16:45

I would just back right off him and that will tell you what you need to know. Although that whole text exchange just made me cringe inside, he is barely coherent and you do come across a bit keen if it has only been 4 dates. Have you slept with him?

Manxiety · 05/04/2021 17:32

Do you want to be with someone who isn't around most of the time op?
Who you are having a text relationship with?
Who could be sleeping with others while away?
There's your answer.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 05/04/2021 17:39

Definitely not on the same page. He’s seeing it as someone he’s met a couple of times, you’re seeing it as someone you text everyday with.

Stop the texting, see other people, he clearly is (and is probably texting them all too I’m afraid) and give yourself a chance to meet someone who actually has time for you.

RachelGreep87 · 05/04/2021 17:54

He's just not that into you

Littlechickenlegs · 05/04/2021 18:05

If he was really interested in you you'd know and he would have asked you if you were exclusive and wouldnt be using the apps.

Rubyrecka · 05/04/2021 18:09

If you want a serious relationship for this man he's not looking for it. To be fair he's been pretty straight with you. You need to be really clear on what you want and focus on that. If you want a relationship in the long term, you need to meet someone that also wants that providing your a good match.

It's good cos you now know what the score is and can act accordingly.

LavenderLollies · 05/04/2021 18:10

Well done for stating your own needs. It’s pretty clear this guy isn’t for you imo. It sounds like he’s looking for casual but okay to keep seeing you for fun. I wouldn’t bother messaging again, there’s nothing to ‘end’ you’ve literally just been on a few dates. Let it fizzle. You’d know if he was keen. He’d be saying and showing it even with the proviso that it’s early days!

I told DH on the first or second date I was ready for kids and marriage and not interested in exclusivity or dating with anyone who wasn’t dating for the same things. It wasn’t a ‘I want that with you’ just a ‘I want that so I’m not tying myself down to someone who doesn’t’. Then it was down to him to prove that he was in it for something serious (and me!). You have to be really clear with yourself when dating what you want do you don’t end up stuck to someone for months or years who’s fun but ultimately has an expiration date if you know you want more.

LavenderLollies · 05/04/2021 18:12

@Littlechickenlegs

If he was really interested in you you'd know and he would have asked you if you were exclusive and wouldnt be using the apps.
Yep... I’ve found that when men are into me I don’t have to be asking these questions or faffing around like this. They’re scared of spooking me but can’t help but bring it up pretty early that they want exclusivity or something serious. They don’t want to risk losing you to someone else if you’re on the market.

This guy is lukewarm at best. Good that you stated what you were looking for early on and can avoid wasting your own time.

Feelinghothothottoday · 05/04/2021 19:37

He is giving you he answers that keep you hanging on. Op life is too short to be waiting around for him. End of April???? Move on. There will be lots of new people out there once we get back to pubs etc.

5128gap · 05/04/2021 20:03

I think his response is fine OP.
Theres a difference between someone wanting a serious rather than casual relationship, and someone wanting a new relationship to be considered 'serious' right now.
I think its reasonable for him to clarify what you meant and reasonable for him to be hesitant if you had meant the latter.
He's saying he's up for a relationship but it's too early to say if you're right for each other at the moment.
I think that's fair enough myself.
Though if you want him to be exclusive may want to spell that out as that's still ambiguous.

TheWaif · 05/04/2021 20:05

No he isn't saying that. Don't be utterly ridiculous. He is categorically saying he's not up for a relationship.

Littlepaws18 · 05/04/2021 20:14

Oh he is a commitment phone who is going to drag you down a path where you end up really liking him and he will be let's be fuck buddies.

I would save yourself a world of heartache and move on x which I know is so easy to say and do flipping hard to do!

Honestly keep persevering and the right guy will turn up who treats you right! Consider the pay dating sites as the blokes on there pay because they want a relationship.

I met my partner on e harmony and it was electric from the first meeting- I never had that is he commuted or not rubbish and we are now getting married. Before that I had 6 years of crappy dates and raised hopes and idiots like your current fella. He honestly isn't worth the heartache.

Littlepaws18 · 05/04/2021 20:14

Commitment phobe lol

5128gap · 05/04/2021 20:17

@TheWaif

No he isn't saying that. Don't be utterly ridiculous. He is categorically saying he's not up for a relationship.
OP explains what she wants, and I could have sworn his response was kool he's up for that...
Icenii · 05/04/2021 20:26

The OP started to back down in the texts after his response, to match his.

OP, you want a relationship. Does continuing, or responding get you closer to that with this person? If not, move on.

Mylovelyhorsee · 05/04/2021 20:41

He’s not that into you.