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Original poster

Does this text message sound okay to send to the man I like?

121 replies

SLG86 · 05/04/2021 00:26

I started texting a man at the end of January but as he often works all over the country, I've only met him four times. However, we text every single day and I really like him so I want to know what he is looking for from a woman. I saw him today before he left for his next work placement but felt too scared to ask him so I've drafted this text message:

"You know we were talking about Tinder and Plenty of Fish yesterday? I realised I hadn't asked you this before but what is your situation at the moment? Are you seeing other people, just looking for someone to have something casual and fun with, or looking to date someone for an eventual relationship? X x"

Do you think this would freak him out or does it sound okay to send?

OP posts:
callthevet · 05/04/2021 12:41

Ew

Restlessinthenorth · 05/04/2021 12:41

He is NOT looking for the same things as you. Not at all.

When someone shows you who they are/where they are believe them!

AmyLou100 · 05/04/2021 12:42

You must see that you are looking for different things? He is clearly telling you he doesn't want anything serious, and you are saying that you want that but willing to wait.

Original poster
SLG86 · 05/04/2021 12:46

I thought it had potential cos when we did first meet, and yesterday as well, he asked me if I wanted more children. I said yes but not with just anyone and asked him the same question. He said yes, if the right person comes along. So I took it that he would be looking for something. 😏

OP posts:
YouAintKingDingALing · 05/04/2021 12:47

He's told you, you need to listen. You can't continue this thinking that he'll change - he does not want to settle. He can get sex as and when (!) and will continue to do so because thats what he wants.

Move on otherwise you'll be writing another thread in three months explaining how hurt you've been etc.

coronaway · 05/04/2021 13:13

He sounds like an idiot and can't spell so that would be enough to discount anyway.

BigPaperBag · 05/04/2021 13:19

Nope. He wants a fuck buddy and no doubt he’s got a couple of others stashed away based on that text exchange. There’s someone out there for you but it’s not him. Sorry.

Chamomileteaplease · 05/04/2021 13:21

Why would you have that sort of really important conversation by text?? When everyone knows what sort of misunderstandings can occur?

If, you ever see him again, and I would worry that you have freaked him out now, then talk to him again in person. Having thought about what you want from him.

Trouble is, not many people are upfront enough to say, "well I am up for a casual relationship with you but if I meet someone I do really like then I will have a proper relationship with them " Sad

It is worrying that he said you had only met up a couple of times and you said it was four times. He is minimising. But on the other hand, these days it could be said to be over-keen when you've only met him four times.

Time will tell.

Cowbells · 05/04/2021 13:22

If I got those replies I'd cool off rapidly. He doesn't sound like he's interested in focusing exclusively on you. You want something better. And at very least you deserve a man who can spell and formulate a sentence. He is not that man. Grin

thebestnamehere · 05/04/2021 13:27

Don't ask of he's looking for casual sex. He may say yes...

PandaFluff · 05/04/2021 13:38

Nah it sounds like he is just saying what he needs to to string you along for a bit. It sounds like you've bent what you want a bit too to play down that you want a serious relationship.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/04/2021 13:44

He really, really has made it clear he is not on the same page as you OP.

Seriously, it's super clear and he's basically saying if he meets 'the right woman' he might reconsider which means you'll be playing the perfect girlfriend role thinking if you're perfect enough he'll want to be in a relationship with you.

This will end in tears and they won't be his I'm afraid.

He couldn't have been much clearer so it's on you now!

Original poster
SLG86 · 05/04/2021 13:48

Thank you. So what should I message him saying?

OP posts:
PandaFluff · 05/04/2021 13:51

Up to you really.
I'd just say something like I think we want different things, I hope you find someone suited soon?

something2say · 05/04/2021 13:53

Ah what a shame.

But I remember with my now fiance, we met on tinder and I'd put on there that I was looking for a relationship only, so I'd been clear. If I look back I can see that within a month he declared himself only seeing me and I never had any reason to sit back and wonder about his intentions. He was reliable, texted back quickly and regularly.

It's hard at the beginning though. How do you even know you'd like to consider him? Have you seen him enough? I get that he is saying it's too early to know, for both of you. I went through that too. How do you know from a few dates? But I can say I ditched other men for my fiance. I never asked if he did the same.

In your case now, I may feel I'd had a shock. He's saying more than, let's see, and when am I next seeing you? He's said, I'm not your guy. I'd have hoped he was a little further along the 'who knows, but let's keep going' trajectory than to just answer no straight out.

Tell me, how clear is your profile? This not knowing isn't nice. Tighten up and use your instincts. For me, this guy hasn't made you feel good so my instincts are up.

X

sociallydistained · 05/04/2021 13:55

I’d run for the hills at “I can get sex when I want tbh” because that’s what he’ll be doing when he’s off on his work assignments even if you did get together. Take the warning early and save yourself the heart ache.

Original poster
SLG86 · 05/04/2021 14:02

Should I wait until he's back at the end of April and speak to him in person or should I just do it now by text?

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 05/04/2021 14:02

It sounds like he's keeping his options open, making a vague suggestion something could work out with you when you push him on this by saying similar. If he thought it could be serious, he would never say he can get sex whenever he wants, as that is bound to put off someone he took seriously.

However 4 dates aren't enough really, are they? I think you've asked too soon. But it all sounds very doubtful.

Diamondella · 05/04/2021 14:13

Don’t reply to his text!!! Just leave it! He’s made his point - don’t reply, it would be interesting to see what he sends when he thinks he may be loosing you. My advise would be just DO NOT reply just let him wonder.

UhtredRagnarson · 05/04/2021 14:19

@SLG86

Should I wait until he's back at the end of April and speak to him in person or should I just do it now by text?
Why would you wait? Confused just text him now and say you’re after different things and wish him all the best. Don’t be drawn into discussing it with him or arguing with him. He’ll probably get defensive. Ignore and block if he does.
SpringlikeBunk · 05/04/2021 14:21

Block him without replying and get back on tinder.

He’s been clear and he doesn’t sound that kind or thoughtful and I suspect if he’s coming round for sex he’ll do and say just enough to keep that situation running.

Lockdown is lifting soon and there’s more chance of meeting new people, could have some new contacts within a couple weeks?

#FirmStance

WatieKatie · 05/04/2021 14:23

I don’t see a need to reply OP. He’s been honest about where he’s at and he’s not interested in anything other than a friendship with you.

Enjoy his company as a friend but put your efforts into finding someone who you have a future with.

YouAintKingDingALing · 05/04/2021 14:25

Why do you need to speak to him? He's made his position v clear.

Sakurami · 05/04/2021 14:34

He's not interested.

I wouldn't commit after just 4 dates either but if I liked someone my reply would be very different.

It would be that of course we can't really decide yet if we want to be together but I enjoy spending time/chats with you and let's see where this takes us.

I'd either not reply to him and start online dating or I would reply that you're looking for someone with a lot more enthusiasm even if it doesn't lead anywhere.

He's just not interested .

And I think you're giving him all the choice and power. You're a person and your feelings and desires are just as valid. Don't depend on someone deciding whether you are right for them and how the relationship should progress.

You decided that you want something serious or at least you want to be with someone who likes you enough to see how the relationship develops.

Wide · 05/04/2021 14:38

His first responses were a no no and then his last msg was very confusing, like he's keeping you dangling. Maybe give him a time limit to show if he really is up for what he said in his last reply then move on, you've then gave him a chance and know you could do nomore and won't wonder what if, maybe like a 2 month limit and also don't be so available to him it will make him think more. I take it you've slept with him? It was quite quick seeing as you've only met 4 times no offence. At least you know now rather than a year down the line of guessing games