Loveless marriage. What can you do when you can't afford 2 homes?

[lovelessmarriage]

Married 10 years. I found out last year DH had spent hundreds on private lap dances one night with a couple of friends. I felt then that was 2 fingers up to me and the marriage as I have always openly said that would never be ok. In fact, we discussed it in depth when putting our vows together and planning our wedding. Because of lockdown/Covid we've been forced to stay and I have tried to crack on, but the marriage is clearly over. We exist in the same house together nothing more.

The problem is we cannot afford 2 homes. We live in an expensive area, where both rents and property prices are very high. We have a boy and a girl so would need separate rooms for them, certainly in a couple of years if not now. I would definitely take a 2 bed place and use a sofa bed downstairs for myself...but I can't even afford a 2 bed place on my own. A

I could move to a cheaper area but it would absolutely break my mums heart as she is quite old now and relies on us. Also, husband would need to agree to move to the same cheaper area as he would very much want the children 50:50. They would be heartbroken to move schools. Husband would much rather carry on living in this misery rather than ever work with me to move somewhere where we could afford 2 separate homes.

I earn too much to receive any kind of government benefits or tax credits, but so little that life would be impossible. I will work on increasing my pay over the coming years but i don't think it will ever be enough to solve this problem.

I can't stop crying, feeling suicidal, as I can see no way out. Feel completely trapped and can't see a solution. I honestly feel like ending it. Having to live with someone who has bullshitted through the marriage, now knowing what kind of man they are, is utterly soul destroying. I can't take anymore.

I'm so sorry you are going through this How old are your children? They can shareat least until secondary school I would say which might help you out a bit. Could your family help?

There is always a way out but you might need to compromise on something.

First of all, how old are your children? Are they young enough to share whilst you get yourself re-established?

Could you look at shared ownership houses? That might be more affordable.

Do you have equity in your home that you could use to subsidise your rent for a couple of years?

How much do you earn? Universal credit is quite generous and the ceiling for support is quite high.

Do you own your house? Is there a mortgage? Is there any equity in the house you have?

Would you be entitled to universal credit if you were a single parent?

Get legal advice from a solicitor to find out how the joint assets could be split.

Don’t panic. There must be a way especially as you work and bring in a salary. Couples divorce and split up all the time.

I had to sell up with two small dc and downsize to a teeny tiny home but it’s ok. Both me and ex wanted to keep the house but neither of us could afford it on our own.

To answer everyone's questions.

Pre tax I earn about £25k
Yes there is equity but husband wouldn't agree to sell the house (can the courts force him? How much would the legal fees be to get to that point?) If we sold the house we may have £100k each if we were lucky but that, plus a mortgage I could get, still wouldn't allow me to buy. I could use that money to rent but I can't see how I could get my hands on that equity with my husband's lack of cooperation. And how could I afford to leave in the meantime?

No, family can't help. My daughter will be reaching puberty age/secondary school very soon. The kids fight a lot and she cherishes her own space. I don't know if she'd want to stay with me if I moved to a place she had to share with her brother. I would happily take a sofa bed downstairs, so a 2 bee place would be fine.

If I leave the family home the kids will think I'm leaving them. Husband will never leave. Like I said he is happy to carry on forever.

My take home pay is £1780 p/month

Rents are £1000+ so there just wouldn't be enough when all my coats are taken into account (petrol, car, council tax, gas/elec, phone, before & after school childcare fees, holiday clubs, food, kids clothing, parking at work etc etc). I would get no maintenance as husband would want and surely get 50/50.

Could you 'bird nest' where you each move in and out of family home, then stay elsewhere or rent a room the rest of the time?

Yes, you can force a sale of the house legally.

Speak to child maintenance, I worked there for a short time but i know there's always a parent deemed as the main carer based on who get child benefit, who's doctor the child is registered to amongst other things, then your exH would get a reduction based on over night stays. Ring solicitors and find out fees, and arm yourself with information and knowledge

Get a solicitor. You may find that you’re due enough to make it work.

What's your mum's situation? Is she in her own home? Would you and her going in together on a property together be a possibility? Then you could move to a cheaper area with her?

Or might she consider moving independently if that wouldn't work?

Also, your dh would have to shift for himself - don't limit your options by getting stuck on what you think he will agree to.

1 bedroom flat that you share 50% of the time. Get a cleaner to come inbetween so you don't row about housework.

If you divorce, he will either have to buy you out or sell up - he can't just sit there and go "nope, not selling".

You really need to speak to a solicitor.

@Arcadia

Could you 'bird nest' where you each move in and out of family home, then stay elsewhere or rent a room the rest of the time?

Have suggested this several times but he refuses to even entertain the idea. I love the idea and think it would be perfect and best for the children also.

Cost wise it will still be tricky as prices are high even for 1 bed rentals.

@category12

What's your mum's situation? Is she in her own home? Would you and her going in together on a property together be a possibility? Then you could move to a cheaper area with her?

Or might she consider moving independently if that wouldn't work?

This is a lovely idea which I can't thought of, but whilst she loves us and relies on us she also absolutely loves her own space and home. She wouldn't want to move and her home is way too small to accommodate us.

@category12

Also, your dh would have to shift for himself - don't limit your options by getting stuck on what you think he will agree to.

He won't agree to anything. He's completely stonewalling me. I feel like he's pushing me to either leave alone to a 1 bed flat, or to suicide. How do I get him to cooperate?

@category12

If you divorce, he will either have to buy you out or sell up - he can't just sit there and go "nope, not selling".

You really need to speak to a solicitor.

I was hoping I could get him to agree to something prior to involving solicitors. As it will be unbearable to still be living here whilst his hand is forced.

Could you move in with your mum temporarily say it’s for 6 months to get you separated, property sold, divorce finalised and then you can see where you stand. It doesn’t have to be forever. Once you’re in your mums, get yourself on the council housing list too. Get single parent benefits sorted. It might give you the space you need to work out next steps. Get out from under the cloud

With 2 kids and rent (and savings less than 6k) you might just qualify for some UC. Maintenance from father is ignored for UC purposes, put your details into entitledto or turn2us.

If you’re feeling suicidal then you really should take the kids and go stay with your mum for a few weeks. I think it’s a good idea to call the Samaritans and get some mental health support

You have to give up on getting him to co-operate.

You need to show you are serious and start moving ahead without his agreement. Currently he thinks if he sits tight and ignores you, you'll back down. And that is working for him so far. And he's relying on you being too scared of his bad moods to directly go against him, but you'll have to. (Unless he's dangerous to you, in which case, please go to domestic abuse services).

You need solicitor's advice to know where to start from really - you don't need to go straight into lots of fees 'though. Look around to see if there's a solicitor that gives a free half-hour initial consultation to get you started.

I earn too much to receive any kind of government benefits or tax credits, but so little that life would be impossible.

£25k is no where near 'too much' for support! Have you tried the calculators?

Could you each buy a 2 bed via shared ownership

And sanfranfibber is right, on your wage with 2 children on your own, I'm pretty sure you would get a top-up from UC.

OP I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a stressful time. It's really important that if you're feeling suicidal you talk to your GP . It can be easy to slip into catastrophic thinking when people feel low and stressed. You say how can you get him to co-operate but you just can't. All you can do is protect yourself and your mental health.

Have you considered moving slightly outside the area?