Loveless marriage. What can you do when you can't afford 2 homes?

[lovelessmarriage]

Married 10 years. I found out last year DH had spent hundreds on private lap dances one night with a couple of friends. I felt then that was 2 fingers up to me and the marriage as I have always openly said that would never be ok. In fact, we discussed it in depth when putting our vows together and planning our wedding. Because of lockdown/Covid we've been forced to stay and I have tried to crack on, but the marriage is clearly over. We exist in the same house together nothing more.

The problem is we cannot afford 2 homes. We live in an expensive area, where both rents and property prices are very high. We have a boy and a girl so would need separate rooms for them, certainly in a couple of years if not now. I would definitely take a 2 bed place and use a sofa bed downstairs for myself...but I can't even afford a 2 bed place on my own. A

I could move to a cheaper area but it would absolutely break my mums heart as she is quite old now and relies on us. Also, husband would need to agree to move to the same cheaper area as he would very much want the children 50:50. They would be heartbroken to move schools. Husband would much rather carry on living in this misery rather than ever work with me to move somewhere where we could afford 2 separate homes.

I earn too much to receive any kind of government benefits or tax credits, but so little that life would be impossible. I will work on increasing my pay over the coming years but i don't think it will ever be enough to solve this problem.

I can't stop crying, feeling suicidal, as I can see no way out. Feel completely trapped and can't see a solution. I honestly feel like ending it. Having to live with someone who has bullshitted through the marriage, now knowing what kind of man they are, is utterly soul destroying. I can't take anymore.

I've always been an advocate of always listen to your gut. Because hearts are fucking idiots. But actually lately I'd say just skip it and listen to your head. Because your gut is sometimes too easily swayed by your heart.

When it comes too asshole exs always listen that voice that goes 'He's an asshole, dont let him fuck you over!'

@Wanderlusto

I've always been an advocate of always listen to your gut. Because hearts are fucking idiots. But actually lately I'd say just skip it and listen to your head. Because your gut is sometimes too easily swayed by your heart.

When it comes too asshole exs always listen that voice that goes 'He's an asshole, dont let him fuck you over!'

Haha oops wrong thread xD

In response to OP:
Did they stay? Yes they did. Not because they wanted to but because they felt they couldn't leave. Now, you might have still chosen to leave, but they didn't.

I don't know all their details. But I do know they really checked things out. They found they couldn't rent anywhere. The places (in Surrey) were so expensive, they could barely afford a one bedroomed place. They looked at moving so far out, to much less nice areas, and still couldn't afford anything other than an unpleasant 2 bedroomed place. So far that the children could barely get to school, only just manageable. When mentioned to their children (they all had an older dc of a Boy) they were so rude that the mum felt terrible and realised how entitled many of our kids are. They tried getting more hours at work, which made minimal difference to their income when they took into account all the sacrifices they were then going to have to make. Some enquired into second jobs. They could still barely afford it and then realised they'd be working themselves to the ground, and not having any time to see their kids anyway. (1 did do this, and now resents spending most of her time, aged 50, working a second job in Tesco's whilst her ex husband swans around' ) Then they became resentful of 'how have I ended up here. So trapped'? They weren't silly women who weren't prepared to give up a lifestyle, but the alternative shitty bedroom life that was on offer - one showed me a photo of what she could afford, and even I thought 'fuck that is vile, is that the best there is?).

So no. It wasn't like pp suggested:
"making that decision from a position of knowledge, not fears and worse case scenarios". Category12. How offensive! To assume these people were ignorant. They were not. They found out the details. And still couldn't find a way to make it work in a way they were comfortable with.

Most of these women had part time reasonable jobs, not hugely paid, and not that much equity, a bit but not enough to transfer to a life that they thought was at least semi reasonable.

But maybe the atmosphere in their houses is not as bad as yours? Maybe you would go anyway? It all depends on your circumstances.

One of my friends hasn't said a single word to her husband in the last 12 years!

@oblomov21 I wasn't saying your friends or women in general made decisions out of fear and worst case scenarios, but well done for taking bizarre offence! Op hasn't yet consulted a solicitor for advice nor had she tried the entitled to calculator, so I think it's fair to say she hasn't looked into all her options factually, in detail, and I think fear of how her husband will react and some catastrophising is going on. When you're feeling so low that you're contemplating suicide, you can get locked into thinking your situation cannot be changed by anything. But there might be ways and means of her splitting from him, and I think looking into all her options and getting expert advice is a good way forward.

@Oblomov21 this is interesting. There is a large part of me that thinks I should just get mentally strong enough to stay. I don't want another relationship again ever so that is not an issue. If I could get my head stronger enough not to care that I live in a lonely dead marriage then my lifestyle would be so much better staying here. The location of my house is amazing, the kids are very happy here, I get to see them every day and so on. I don't want to swap one kind of 'hell' for an even worse kind of hell.

Why are the husbands so ok with this? Like your friend who hasn't spoke for 12 years? My husband never ever talks about sorting things out and I'm sure would live in a sexless loveless marriage forever, or at least until the kids are fully grown up.

I don't know whether to accept this chapter of my life and squirrel away savings with the intention of living alone once the kids are grown up.

[quote category12]@oblomov21 I wasn't saying your friends or women in general made decisions out of fear and worst case scenarios, but well done for taking bizarre offence! Op hasn't yet consulted a solicitor for advice nor had she tried the entitled to calculator, so I think it's fair to say she hasn't looked into all her options factually, in detail, and I think fear of how her husband will react and some catastrophising is going on. When you're feeling so low that you're contemplating suicide, you can get locked into thinking your situation cannot be changed by anything. But there might be ways and means of her splitting from him, and I think looking into all her options and getting expert advice is a good way forward.[/quote]
You are absolutely right and this thread has allowed my foggy thinking to clear slightly. I have been thinking the absolutely worst, when actually there may be options. I do feel better already, thank you. Just the thought that there are ways and means is helping.

1. Where to move to:

You say your mum will be heartbroken if you move away. Your heart is also breaking living with him. Your mum should then be happy to put you up for 6 months or sell up and join finances together (once you got your share from the house) for a 3 bed somewhere cheaper. Or she will understand why you needed to move away for a more affordable area.

Your DH liking or wanting to move to where you will is not your problem, he does not have to agree where you move to. You could move hundreds of miles away if you wanted. He can make his own arrangements. Worry about yourself and where is good for you and the children, not where works for him.

1. You can ask the court to force a sale if you two can't agree. You can ring around solicitors in your area for idea on fees and costs and whether they would take their cut after the sale or if you can pay them on 0% credit card. You can find a solicitor on lawsociety.org.uk

This website might be a good read, if you are joint tenants www.myconveyancingspecialist.com/2020/02/18/can-i-force-the-sale-of-a-jointly-owned-property/

1. He might not end up doing 50-50 childcare. You are centring his wants and potential reactions over what you want and what is best for you and the children. Focus on what you want. If you can't get that what's the next best thing that YOU want. If you can't get that what's the next best thing that YOU can accept to. It might help to write down your thoughts.

I think as pp said, get yourself and kids to your mum for some distance and thinking space. Accept that you will have a drop in lifestyle. Is your happiness worth it? Could you stay to maintain the lifestyle for your children while shield them from seeing the miserable dynamics?

Staying in the expensive area comes as a packaged deal of being married or in partnership with someone. When this marriage or partnership breaks down often many people cannot on their own afford to stay where they are. The financial power of two is often greater than one, unless one was a SAHM for example.

The bottom line is, is what you are feeling and going through so unbearable that it is worth disrupting the lifestyle for? Could you cope with being in this relation in anyway without being suicidal?

Like pp said, you can make a decision that having taken account of everything else, it is best to stay until the children are older. Just deciding this with yourself, being honest about your priorities and your 'why' can feel empowering and helps you feel in control of your life.

So find out the information, be honest with yourself and do what feels best to you and the children.

Whatever you choose, I guarantee you there will be compromise. It just the way it is with life, I'm afraid.

You can go through relationship counselling alone through Relate. Definitely speak to your GP about your suicidal feelings.

The percentage share of the equity you may be entitled to depends also on differences in salary, and mortgage capacity. And the length of the relationship (cohabitation and marriage). You may find that on £25000 pa, your mortgage capacity is tiny.

The only way to sort this out is to pay to have an initial meeting with a solicitor. In my area there are no free half hours. But I had an initial meeting which answered all my questions - I had to fill in a questionnaire which gave all financial details so the solicitor had the facts.

Lastly, most of my friends are divorced, and none of them were able to agree anything with STBXs until solicitors were involved.

@Raver84

Op i feel for you. Husband i split last May and he finally moved out in March this year. It was the worst year of my life. I had to force it in the end got the ball rolling with divorce and house is now on market. I will be downsizing from a huge 5 bed to a 3 maybe tiny 4 bed out of area. You can't think of it now as this is too new for you but you will research, get there and find a way to carve out a path for you. Whats the position on a mortgage plus your equity, ring you bank see what they'd lend. Some take benefits into account. Can you port your current mortgage, what is the redemption fee etc. Do some fact finding. Is there definitely no way back with your husband, just don't rush to leave one set of problems that may be resolved to another mountain of problems, believe me there are so many things to sort. All doable but be prepared its not as easy as waving bye and thats it. Its expensive, solicitors, running 2 homes, im a lot poorer for it. Best of luck.

I don't know how to make our way back. He doesn't communicate, he stonewalls and gas lights, it feels like talking to a child most of the time. He has no empathy and no emotional maturity. Paying 20 year old lapdancers is just too much for me to cope with. I find it disgusting and wonder if he has also gone further than that.

He thinks it's completely fine and I'm not being realistic. But I think why get married, say vows, spend money on a day etc to then do that as if it's nothing?! The whole point of marriage is forsaking all others. He was the one who wanted to get married. I wasn't bothered!

@Faith50

Op I am sorry you are in such despair. £100k is a decent amount and will put you in a good position when applying for a mortgage.

I am in a similar situation, however our equity would only give us roughly £20-25k each. I could only stretch to a one bed. I too have considered ending it all as I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I feel trapped with two options 1. Living in absolute poverty (we are not currently rich by any means but I grew up in poverty), 2. Staying as is and being miserable forever

I have never been a high earner, never had enough to save a substantial amount. I did not realise that I would ever require a leaving fund which is mentioned on MN a lot. Stupid me

I'm so sorry to hear this. It's awful not knowing what to do. It's the most horrible situation to be in. I hope things improve for you. I have started saving separately and really looking after what little money I do have. So if I have to stay, then in 5-10 years I will be in a much better position. The years do fly past so quickly anyway.

@catvonbat such great helpful thank you. I have moments of 'deciding' and taking action (saving, getting a better job etc) ready to play the long game, but then I also fall into deep depressions at times.

A friend of mine was in a similar situation but found out after 25 years. She tried really hard to stay with her husband but they ended up divorcing and she is so much happier. It will be ok, really. She’s 52 and has had to start again completely, he’d been seeing cam ladies as well as strippers & prostitutes & so she got rid of all their furniture as she didn’t want to think about what he’d done/seen on their sofas.

I’ve been in your position and come out the other side. Do make an appointment to se a solicitor. If you have some savings see this appointment as an investment.

Clicked post too soon! The solicitor will give you excellent advice and your legal position. You really shouldn’t move out until you’ve taken advice from solicitor.

Does he have pensions? Could you find out how much they are? If you divorce he'll have to declare them anyway, there's often more than you think.

I would argue (and get my solicitor in on this) that you don't ask for a share in his pension so you can have more of the equity to house the children suitably. He has a better income for a mortgage to compensate.

Also remember that this is much like grieving, over what could have been, what you've lost, what you never had etc. It won't always feel like despair. It's a process to go through even if it feels endless right now.

You might be better leaving while kids are young as you will get more equity taking into account your their main carer
Once they are adults you won’t necessarily be seen as needing a 2-3 bed house as they will probably say you only need enough for yourself
Also stop thinking about others
Your thinking way to much about your DH and your mum
If your mum will be devastated that you will move elsewhere then she either needs to accept that or move with you

Plus if you start saving for the future unless you keep it in cash under the bed 😂 if it’s in your bank it will probably be taken into account as joint money to be split
And having to give him half of what you saved to get out would really suck
Can’t you just smother him - say he had a bad case of Covid - last year you would have got away with it 😂😂

I think the best course of action for you would be - GP for anti depressants- book counselling alone - solicitors. Spread it out over 3 weeks or so so you aren't becoming overwhelmed.
Do you run or swim at all? Something that gets you out of the house and in your own heads pace 1 hour a day will really help you work through your thoughts

@lovelessmarriage This sounds very very difficult.

For the future - I think you have options... See the solicitor. Good luck OP.

See what all your options are - including moving away to a cheaper area. If your mum would be heartbroken then she can move. If she doesn't want to love then that's her choice.

Your ex can do one. He is the one who has been playing away. He doesn't get to decide.

And don't discount meeting someone else. You seem to be at everyone's mercy. Taking everyone's feelings into consideration except your own. That isn't right. Your happiness is just as important.

As others have already mentioned, so much of what you post is about what other people want - your H, your mum, your kids. Obviously your kids and your mum matter but it’s time to start validating your own wants. Here is one step you can take TODAY, without having to do anything else - and perhaps the most important thing you can do for yourself: allow yourself to want things, do things that you want to do, and tell yourself like a mantra: that is enough of a reason. Practice putting yourself first! Even small things, like what to make for dinner. Why are we having X rather than Y? Because X is my favourite. And so on. I’m not sure if this makes much sense but hopefully you will see what I mean. It is the smallest step and yet it will be the foundation of everything you go on to do! It will help you to solve this situation.

Hi Op you need to get legal advice, once you know your options you are better placed to make a decision. I gave up a large 5 bed house in a very desirable part of Surrey, and am buying a 3 bed detached many miles away, in a lovely but much cheaper area. I guess I am quite a bit older than you so the equity has allowed me to be mortgage free. It's been a long hard road, he fought me every step of the way, but I am free. I would say sale of the house is key to enable you make a fresh start, which means the world. You can make this happen but you will need to think flexibly.

You could try bird nest parenting. All you'd need to be able to afford would be a one bedroom flat. Basically kids stay put, parents take turns being at family home when it's their time with kids. It does mean you're more reliant on each other than normal in a divorce and you'd have to be able to work together to some extent so no one's taking the piss by not doing housework or arguing over bill splits. The person I know who does it it works very well for. I know it wouldn't work for dh and I because he'll never change and I'd still be resenting his treatment of me. But if the main issue is a lack of love and he shares the load fairly then it might be an option.

@lovelessmarriage sorry, I've not checked back for a bit. I can't really remember how I handled it with the kids tbh! But I called it home2 from the start - rather than mummy's house - and they just accepted it as far as I remember. The picture book Mum and dad glue was helpful. It's not been easy but I don't think they ever felt I'd left them.

Two examples of equity split:
Mine - 60/40 equity in my favour as the lower earner and the one who worked less to care for the dc (he worked pt too but much higher earner), pensions discounted as both roughly equal. Spousal for 2yrs as I mentioned. House sold.

My partner - his ex is in the family home which she'll keep as well as getting some of his pension when he draws it, due to pension and income disparity. He has the eow arrangement for kids and pays a decent chunk in cm.

Best to get advice like everyone else said. I was really unhappy and I think you stay until you can't anymore. I weighed up staying for the kids, but realised that my parents marriage had been my template and I didn't want to repeat the pattern for my own children.