Loveless marriage. What can you do when you can't afford 2 homes?

[lovelessmarriage]

Married 10 years. I found out last year DH had spent hundreds on private lap dances one night with a couple of friends. I felt then that was 2 fingers up to me and the marriage as I have always openly said that would never be ok. In fact, we discussed it in depth when putting our vows together and planning our wedding. Because of lockdown/Covid we've been forced to stay and I have tried to crack on, but the marriage is clearly over. We exist in the same house together nothing more.

The problem is we cannot afford 2 homes. We live in an expensive area, where both rents and property prices are very high. We have a boy and a girl so would need separate rooms for them, certainly in a couple of years if not now. I would definitely take a 2 bed place and use a sofa bed downstairs for myself...but I can't even afford a 2 bed place on my own. A

I could move to a cheaper area but it would absolutely break my mums heart as she is quite old now and relies on us. Also, husband would need to agree to move to the same cheaper area as he would very much want the children 50:50. They would be heartbroken to move schools. Husband would much rather carry on living in this misery rather than ever work with me to move somewhere where we could afford 2 separate homes.

I earn too much to receive any kind of government benefits or tax credits, but so little that life would be impossible. I will work on increasing my pay over the coming years but i don't think it will ever be enough to solve this problem.

I can't stop crying, feeling suicidal, as I can see no way out. Feel completely trapped and can't see a solution. I honestly feel like ending it. Having to live with someone who has bullshitted through the marriage, now knowing what kind of man they are, is utterly soul destroying. I can't take anymore.

You're going to have to see a solicitor about your assets. If you move out with the children and your ex remains in the property you won't qualify for UC long term as your share counts as capital and that'll exceed the £16,000 limit. If you remained in the property with the children, or took steps to dispose of it, i.e seeking legal advice you'd be okay. You may have to consider moving to a cheaper area as hard as that is

I was going to moved into a shared house and pay half the mortgage plus CMS and not force sale until DC much older. Desperate times!!

@BJHair

Plus if you start saving for the future unless you keep it in cash under the bed 😂 if it’s in your bank it will probably be taken into account as joint money to be split And having to give him half of what you saved to get out would really suck Can’t you just smother him - say he had a bad case of Covid - last year you would have got away with it 😂😂

If it's a saving account he knows nothing about completely separate from our joint bank I think I might be ok? I just won't declare it! He has separate savings and I know he wouldn't declare them either. How can solicitors find out what savings you have? It's private information surely and the banks can't disclose? Or am I being very naive?!

@Lollyneenah

I think the best course of action for you would be - GP for anti depressants- book counselling alone - solicitors. Spread it out over 3 weeks or so so you aren't becoming overwhelmed. Do you run or swim at all? Something that gets you out of the house and in your own heads pace 1 hour a day will really help you work through your thoughts

I'm going to do all of these, thank you for laying it out like that. Tuesday ask for antidepressants. Already on the waiting list for talking therapies since Jan and I believe April is the month they said I would be seen by. Then solicitor.

@Sakurami

See what all your options are - including moving away to a cheaper area. If your mum would be heartbroken then she can move. If she doesn't want to love then that's her choice.

Your ex can do one. He is the one who has been playing away. He doesn't get to decide.

And don't discount meeting someone else. You seem to be at everyone's mercy. Taking everyone's feelings into consideration except your own. That isn't right. Your happiness is just as important.

I honestly don't want to meet anyone else. Simple uncomplicated love seems very rare. I can't be bothered to try again!

OP I haven't read the entire thread (I know, cardinal MN sin) but I would bet my mortgage your H won't insist on 50:50 with the kids when push comes to shove. He's having such a good time with his lap dancers he won't want to be overseeing homework and shoe shopping and nit combing, will he? So in the event of a split, if you end up with the kids say 70% of the time, then a court would likely say you're entitled to 70% of the equity in the house. Something to consider anyway

I'm in a similar situation and there's 100% equity in the house. So we will have to sell so we can both get a place. House is worth 1million, so I can't afford to buy out dh. Good advice here though.

mackencheese
So you will walk away with £500k? I would love to be in your financial position. In my area this would buy a 3 bed house for me and 2 dc and we would be comfortable with £120k to £150k in the bank and my full time salary. I would be completely independent of my h. He would only need to contact me to arrange to see the dc.

If it turns out you can't afford to split up right now you could make a plan to get where you need to be. Things like focusing on paying the mortgage down, pare back spending, both if you put everything extra on mortgage.

There may be a bigger amount of equity you're entitled to than you think. House equity won't necessarily be 50/50, depends on things like your earning potential and if you've provided unpaid carer duties for DC which has effected your ability to learn Pensions and other savings and investments count too. If DH has a larger pension or more investments you will entitled to a share. You might be able to get more equity in return for not getting 50/60/70 of his pension.