Loveless marriage. What can you do when you can't afford 2 homes?

[lovelessmarriage]

Married 10 years. I found out last year DH had spent hundreds on private lap dances one night with a couple of friends. I felt then that was 2 fingers up to me and the marriage as I have always openly said that would never be ok. In fact, we discussed it in depth when putting our vows together and planning our wedding. Because of lockdown/Covid we've been forced to stay and I have tried to crack on, but the marriage is clearly over. We exist in the same house together nothing more.

The problem is we cannot afford 2 homes. We live in an expensive area, where both rents and property prices are very high. We have a boy and a girl so would need separate rooms for them, certainly in a couple of years if not now. I would definitely take a 2 bed place and use a sofa bed downstairs for myself...but I can't even afford a 2 bed place on my own. A

I could move to a cheaper area but it would absolutely break my mums heart as she is quite old now and relies on us. Also, husband would need to agree to move to the same cheaper area as he would very much want the children 50:50. They would be heartbroken to move schools. Husband would much rather carry on living in this misery rather than ever work with me to move somewhere where we could afford 2 separate homes.

I earn too much to receive any kind of government benefits or tax credits, but so little that life would be impossible. I will work on increasing my pay over the coming years but i don't think it will ever be enough to solve this problem.

I can't stop crying, feeling suicidal, as I can see no way out. Feel completely trapped and can't see a solution. I honestly feel like ending it. Having to live with someone who has bullshitted through the marriage, now knowing what kind of man they are, is utterly soul destroying. I can't take anymore.

www.entitledto.co.uk

@sanfranfibber

I earn too much to receive any kind of government benefits or tax credits, but so little that life would be impossible.

£25k is no where near 'too much' for support! Have you tried the calculators?

Apparently £25k is a very high salary and I will not be eligible for any benefits?

You didn't change it from monthly to yearly, OP. Change it to annual.

You’ve put that you earn that monthly?

Those saying £25k isn't too much for UC, I earned 18k when I left exh and I didn't qualify for any benefits. I would have done under the old system, the new one is much stricter.

OP, I left my exh in the family home and moved out to a 2bed rental. I was really worried about the dc feeling I was leaving them, but we share 50 50 and i made sure I didn't move out until my place was ready for them. Ex decided to sell rather than buy me out and we have both bought new places now, but it sounds like property is cheaper where I am (£250k).

How much does your husband earn? Mine is a higher earner and the only way I survived is that he paid me spousal maintenance for 2yrs until I got a better paid job. But it was very amicable and he did that without any legal intervention.

@category12

You didn't change it from monthly to yearly, OP. Change it to annual.

Gah! My head is spinning! I'll try that now

I've tried the calculator with £25 and two kids and while obviously details will vary, but it came up with being due money from UC.

Interesting thread. Always on mn posted insist it's do'able, but no one I know who lives in an expensive area had been able to manage it.

25K!

@category12

What's your mum's situation? Is she in her own home? Would you and her going in together on a property together be a possibility? Then you could move to a cheaper area with her?

Or might she consider moving independently if that wouldn't work?

This

@Misty9 thank you so much for writing this! It's just so amazing to hear of somebody in a similar situation who has come through the other side. Yes £250k is cheaper. It would be at least £300k for a 3 bed. I like the idea of getting a rental and making it ready/nice for the DC before leaving. How did you explain it to them? How old were they? And were they really ok about it?

He definitely would not give me spousal support, even though I have done absolutely nothing wrong to find myself in this situation. He is angry that I would 'break up the family' in spite of his indiscretions. Everything is my fault for not just putting up and shutting up!

@Oblomov21

Interesting thread. Always on mn posted insist it's do'able, but no one I know who lives in an expensive area had been able to manage it.

What do they do instead the ? Do they stay in the marriage?

Interesting thread. Always on mn posted insist it's do'able, but no one I know who lives in an expensive area had been able to manage it.

It might be difficult to split, but it's worth finding out for sure and considering all the options and making that decision from a position of knowledge, not fears and worse case scenarios.

You can still start divorce proceedings even if he’s not cooperating.

Even if one party refuses to sell, if that is the only way for both parties to move on and have a clean break, that can be ordered by a court.

Can I give you some hope? I was in a similar intolerable position a few years ago.
I changed jobs and managed to increase my salary, I begged so many mortgage companies to lend me a what seemed huge amount of money and bought out my ex. I found one that would take cm and tax credits in to account.
You can take off the cost of moving fees, stamp duty etc and try for as much equity in the property as you can. I represented myself at court as my ex was so unreasonable my solicitor backed out at the 11th hour.
Try getting tougher with him, he can't just put his head in the sand and put you under so much stress that you feel suicidal 💐

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Go to a solicitor, many offer a free half hour initial consultation. They see this every day. They will go through all your options. Sounds like you have £100k equity in the house to get you started. That's not a bad start at all. Some women leave relationships with just the clothes on their back. Come on OP you can do this! Tuesday morning call a solicitor and start the ball rolling. Yes a court can force the sale of a house in this case, this scenario is common in a lot of divorces x

So sorry OP, I'm in the same situation and it's shit.

I've instructed my solicitor to issue the writs to force the sale of the house as he won't agree & we've been living under the same roof for 18m.

He has refused to move out & rent (despite earning 60K), refused to sell & wants to buy me out at 30% equity (when I own 50% of the house).

Things between us have deteriorated & we are no longer amicable.

I live I am expensive area too (lucky to get a 3-bed flat for 280-300k) and rents are £900-1250.

I've managed to increase my hours at work, but my budget is still only 230-250k.

Ex will not allow me to relocate with DC (in fact he suggested I leave them with him & he become the primary carer).

Be warned that these type of men are very controlling (him stonewalling you) & won't let you go easily. Prepare for all sorts of nastiness from him.

Sorry op but just move put to a smaller place. A loving space with a bed sofa and a bedroom for the boy is all you need. Your daughter can sleep in a blow up bed in the lounge with you when she comes to stay.

You're desire for material comfort is keeping you with the jerk. You cant have your cake and eat it. It is not a 'we' issue. You want to leave, so do it. But dont expect him to subsidise you.

That being said, dont go until you've had legal advice. Might be best to stay in the home and try to force a sale.

*a living space

25k and high rent— you will get some UC if you don’t have much in savings. Pop some imaginary rents in like £1200 and see what it says—I would personally do this if it’s doable, get a solicitor involved and force a sale or buyout— use that money to then rent somewhere reasonably ok whilst you get yourself together.

Sorry OP. My friend got a 3 storey house. She lived on the top floor, her children the middle floor and her ex hubby the bottom floor. They co-existed well like this for year's. Never needing childcare as they were able to share. At one point her boyfriend moved in with her.

He doesn't get to refuse to sell, or refuse maintenance. That's what the law is there for. You need a solicitor.
It is hard but you need to bite the bullet and move out. Go live with your mother for 6 months - heck, you have an instant support right there! It's not ideal, but better than nothing. Or stay miserable.

Op I am sorry you are in such despair. £100k is a decent amount and will put you in a good position when applying for a mortgage.

I am in a similar situation, however our equity would only give us roughly £20-25k each. I could only stretch to a one bed. I too have considered ending it all as I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I feel trapped with two options 1. Living in absolute poverty (we are not currently rich by any means but I grew up in poverty), 2. Staying as is and being miserable forever

I have never been a high earner, never had enough to save a substantial amount. I did not realise that I would ever require a leaving fund which is mentioned on MN a lot. Stupid me

Op i feel for you. Husband i split last May and he finally moved out in March this year. It was the worst year of my life.
I had to force it in the end got the ball rolling with divorce and house is now on market.
I will be downsizing from a huge 5 bed to a 3 maybe tiny 4 bed out of area. You can't think of it now as this is too new for you but you will research, get there and find a way to carve out a path for you. Whats the position on a mortgage plus your equity, ring you bank see what they'd lend. Some take benefits into account. Can you port your current mortgage, what is the redemption fee etc. Do some fact finding. Is there definitely no way back with your husband, just don't rush to leave one set of problems that may be resolved to another mountain of problems, believe me there are so many things to sort. All doable but be prepared its not as easy as waving bye and thats it. Its expensive, solicitors, running 2 homes, im a lot poorer for it. Best of luck.

Are there pensions or savings? If he is a higher earner then a court may award higher CMS.

What does he earn? Could his pension be larger and offset some of his equity?

It always feels impossible at the outset but usually there is a way through it. Whilst he may be unreasonable a solicitor will usually advise him to settle if court is likely.