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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner wants a break

111 replies

Beanie14 · 02/04/2021 17:32

Hope someone can offer some advice.

My partner of 3 years and I have been inseparable since we've met. We planned to start a family this year and are in the process of buying a home (in my name) so we can raise our family.
I am currently 12 weeks pregnant. About 3 weeks ago after our private scan at 8 weeks he started distancing himself from me. Was feeling a little overwhelmed and has been furloughed for the last year so lockdown is really getting to him. So I've given him some space, but I've expressed my worry about our relationship that he's not communicating with me and trying to work things out.

The day of our 12 week scan he told me we were a team but then later in the day he told me that he wanted a break!! He said he still loves me and it's not me it's him. Said I mean the world to him. But he needed a few days to think.
So I haven't talked to him and have been going to work and keeping out of the way as we live together. But he's been checking in making sure I'm ok and buying me snacks from the shop and texting me while I'm at work.
This is making me really confused. Does he still love me? Or is this his way of an easy out? Starting with a break and then will just wait until our house has gone through so I can move on alone.
This has come out of the blue, it's like a switch and he's now gone from being attentive and inseparable to not wanting to be with me.
Is he only doing nice things because he's feeling bad?
I'm really scared of the prospect of raising a child alone. This wasn't how it was meant to be, we were supposed to be starting this journey together, I'm scared and anxious too but we were meant to do this together. It's our first baby. I'm scared for my future and my baby.

OP posts:

MalibuandOrange · 02/04/2021 17:33

You don't have a break when you have a family on the way. It's an easy way out sorry.

gamerchick · 02/04/2021 17:37

It usually means they're trying out a new woman, but keeping you on th back burner in case it doesn't work out. It's the script.

I'm sorry man, do you have support IRL?

Zig27 · 02/04/2021 17:37

It sounds like he has got cold feet. Why is he keeping in touch if he wants a break and time to think? That is messing with your head by keeping in touch.

Elieza · 02/04/2021 17:38

Sounds like everything’s become very real and he’s just realised you are caring his child. I imagine he’s all Gulp. OMG 😱

He’s probably worrying about being a good father, one who provides, as he has no job any more, and trying to work out what to do.

Sometimes they seem to run a mile in these situations and come back but sometimes they go off the rails and move on. Sorry OP. It’s in his hands.

Men are not as good at dealing with stuff like this as women are. We have to be when we are carrying a life. They can walk whenever they please.

MajesticWhine · 02/04/2021 17:43

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he's scared of this next stage. He needs to decide now and not mess you around.
You can manage on your own. And he should still contribute to this baby.
Could he be involved with someone else?

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 02/04/2021 17:44

I'd give him a break. A permanent break. He's already letting you down and showing his true colours. You don't need him to do this. Sorry you're being treated this way OP.

nimbuscloud · 02/04/2021 17:45

Why is the house going to be in your name?

Original poster

Beanie14 · 02/04/2021 17:54

The house is in my name because the home we share now is in his name. So the idea was to rent his house out and live in the new one. For some extra money coming in.
I've asked if he's seeing anyone else? I swears he's not, but I'm not convinced. He's been glued to his phone for the last 3 weeks also. Won't even go to the toilet without it Xx

OP posts:

Kiehl · 02/04/2021 17:55

*Sounds like everything’s become very real and he’s just realised you are caring his child. I imagine he’s all Gulp. OMG 😱

He’s probably worrying about being a good father, one who provides, as he has no job any more, and trying to work out what to do.

Sometimes they seem to run a mile in these situations and come back but sometimes they go off the rails and move on. Sorry OP. It’s in his hands.

Men are not as good at dealing with stuff like this as women are. We have to be when we are carrying a life. They can walk whenever they please*

What on earth! This is the kinda 1950s rubbish that allows men an excuse to do as they please because they're scared or confused. What absolute rubbish!
Please don't look for excuses this man is putting himself before you and his child.
If they really scared then he's too immature to start a family.
He has put his own needs before yours and if, for example, he doesn't want to be with you or has another woman then he could at least be honest.
He's not being honest with you.

Zig27 · 02/04/2021 17:56

@nimbuscloud

Why is the house going to be in your name?

I thought that too. He probably has debts or does not want to commit and can walk away as the house is not in his name.

ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 02/04/2021 18:02

Hmm, ask him to show you his phone messages and see how he reacts.

It doesn't sound good to me.

Don't agree with the whole he's all shocked thing. Don't excuse his shitty behaviour.

Original poster

Beanie14 · 02/04/2021 18:11

I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks this kind this isn't normal or acceptable behaviour.
I'm crushed, he was my end game. Now I'm faced with doing this alone.
I've lost 2kg in 2 days with worry. I'm worried about my baby and how the stress and anxiety is affecting their health.
What do I do give him some more time? Or just tell him you're either in or you're out. We work things out together or that's it. He could've had some space without needing a break. So I'm beginning to think there is more to this and he's looking for a way out because he's got someone new. No one just switches feeling off just like that out of the blue for no reason right? Xx

OP posts:

Rosieposy89 · 02/04/2021 18:15

Sorry op, this is awful. His behaviour is suspicious. Sounds like there's another woman and he's letting you down gently. What does he need a break from?

AnotherKrampus · 02/04/2021 18:17

Make it a permanent break. Don't let him leave a cushty door open for when his fling does not work out!

DianaT1969 · 02/04/2021 18:18

Sorry OP. I think you answered it yourself with the 'glued to his phone' comment. I think you'll be facing this alone. You sound very strong and sensible. Can you afford the new place on your own?
Keep taking care of your health and putting yourself first. As someone suggested, if you want to rip it off like a bandaid, ask to look at his phone messages when he least expects it.

catmumandhumanmum · 02/04/2021 18:19

What a selfish pig, leaving you for 'space' at 12 weeks pregnant, he could of at least told you a lot earlier so you had a decision to go ahead with the pregnancy alone or not. Don't let him play you, tell him he's with you or not, don't be waiting around on him. If you really think there is another woman then end it, he won't ever be trustworthy.

duggeeismynewbestfriend · 02/04/2021 18:22

Beanie, I was also pregnant when my ex did this. We weren't in a committed relationship as such and finding out I was pregnant was a shock. But he didn't ever come on board.

My DS is almost 3 I have been apart from my ex now for a year it was on and off until then.

The lesson I have learned is that if someone wants to be with you they will, anyone who values you would never ever face the possibility of losing you.

The fact that he has done this at the most vulnerable time of your life shows you who he is. Believe him. Get onto the chump lady website about relationships and parenting with an ex.

The signs are all there that he is cheating. That's on him, nothing to do with you. The only question you have to ask is if this is acceptable to you? If it isn't then you leave.

I read somewhere that having a baby has the affect of the shaking a relationship similar to what car manufacturers do on the car assembly line. It shakes and highlights any fault. This relationship has broken at the 1st hurdle. That's the bad news.

The good news is that you can cut your loses and work away with your head held high.

I tried for a long time because I couldn't let go of the idea we would be a family. All I did was bring mysefl heartache. Now that I'm completely single my head and my heart are clear. It's the best thing I could have done. And you can do this, it's scary on your own with a baby but it's much harder when you also have to worry that someone else could walk out at any minute.

He has ended your relationship you don't get a break with a baby on the way. Please look after yourself as best you can. Eat, sleep and rest. Read watermelon by Marian Keyes, great insight into where you are. Keep posting

Totallyfedup1979 · 02/04/2021 18:22

This is no time for playing games. He’s either in the relationship...or chasing his other women with the hopes that the grass will be greener.
Taking his phone everywhere, being glued to it and asking for a break, are all red flags.
Call him out on his behaviour, tell him that you won’t be messing around and show him the front door if he really wants that ‘break’.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2021 18:23

When a man pulls this bullshit, there is always another woman involved.

Wanderlusto · 02/04/2021 18:34

Are you dead set on having this kid? Because you still have time to change your mind. It's still just a little cluster of cells at this point.

If someone can be this flaky after he has got you pregnant even though it was planned, he is not a keeper.

And if he has bern glued to his phone the past 3 weeks...theres another women.

Original poster

Beanie14 · 02/04/2021 18:36

What I don't understand is, why tell me he loves me and that it's not me, and is doing nice things over the last couple of days. Is it so he can keep me hanging, just incase he changes his mind.
I never expected this from him. We've been best friends and inseparable since the day we met. We never argue and have a great relationship. Then once we have the first scan he switched off.
I'm so scared

OP posts:

Original poster

Beanie14 · 02/04/2021 18:37

Giving up this child is not an option. I will do whatever it takes to protect this baby.

OP posts:

catmumandhumanmum · 02/04/2021 18:38

@Wanderlusto the fetus is fully formed at 12 weeks it just needs to grow bigger
I expect op has now bonded with pregnancy after seeing the scan.

Gurufloof · 02/04/2021 18:38

@Elieza

Sounds like everything’s become very real and he’s just realised you are caring his child. I imagine he’s all Gulp. OMG 😱

He’s probably worrying about being a good father, one who provides, as he has no job any more, and trying to work out what to do.

Sometimes they seem to run a mile in these situations and come back but sometimes they go off the rails and move on. Sorry OP. It’s in his hands.

Men are not as good at dealing with stuff like this as women are. We have to be when we are carrying a life. They can walk whenever they please.

Sheesh the 1950s called, it wants you back.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2021 18:39

What I don't understand is, why tell me he loves me and that it's not me, and is doing nice things over the last couple of days. Is it so he can keep me hanging, just incase he changes his mind.

Guilt, deflection, keeping his options open, etc. Whatever his game is, he is not the man you thought he was. As a pp mentioned, I would be reconsidering this pregnancy if I were you, unless you are 100% ready, willing and able to be a single parent, because that's where this is definitely all headed.

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