Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner wants a break

111 replies

Beanie14 · 02/04/2021 17:32

Hope someone can offer some advice.

My partner of 3 years and I have been inseparable since we've met. We planned to start a family this year and are in the process of buying a home (in my name) so we can raise our family.
I am currently 12 weeks pregnant. About 3 weeks ago after our private scan at 8 weeks he started distancing himself from me. Was feeling a little overwhelmed and has been furloughed for the last year so lockdown is really getting to him. So I've given him some space, but I've expressed my worry about our relationship that he's not communicating with me and trying to work things out.

The day of our 12 week scan he told me we were a team but then later in the day he told me that he wanted a break!! He said he still loves me and it's not me it's him. Said I mean the world to him. But he needed a few days to think.
So I haven't talked to him and have been going to work and keeping out of the way as we live together. But he's been checking in making sure I'm ok and buying me snacks from the shop and texting me while I'm at work.
This is making me really confused. Does he still love me? Or is this his way of an easy out? Starting with a break and then will just wait until our house has gone through so I can move on alone.
This has come out of the blue, it's like a switch and he's now gone from being attentive and inseparable to not wanting to be with me.
Is he only doing nice things because he's feeling bad?
I'm really scared of the prospect of raising a child alone. This wasn't how it was meant to be, we were supposed to be starting this journey together, I'm scared and anxious too but we were meant to do this together. It's our first baby. I'm scared for my future and my baby.

OP posts:
Ansjovis · 02/04/2021 18:40

I knew before I opened this post that you were pregnant, I've seen similar variations of this many times. How dare he show such little regard for you at this time when you are so vulnerable? 10 weeks after doing the deed he gets to decide that he wants a break? When it's not even him who is growing this baby and dealing with the many changes that causes. Let me get out the world's tiniest violin.

Put your foot down, OP. Either he's in (in which case you expect full commitment and this wishy washy nonsense to cease immediately) or he's out. You and your baby deserve better than this.

Elieza · 02/04/2021 18:45

To those slagging off my post are you honestly trying to say that this doesn’t happen, are you trying to say that men do not walk away from responsibility all the time leaving women to pick up the pieces? May I add with little help from the government to make the absent fathers pay?

Because I hate to burst your bubble but men walk away from responsibility all the time.

And be it the 2000s or the 1950s, you can’t make someone love you, and you can’t make someone stay.

The only thing you can do is put up with this and leave it in their hands or tell them goodbye.

Sad but true.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 02/04/2021 18:48

OP you're better off deciding for him and finishing it now.

I'd bet good money he has someone else on the go. Especially after the glued to his phone comment.

You have to put your big girl pants on and get tough. He's out and you're strong enough to do this on your own.

He's playing you for an idiot. He's being a selfish arse. What a load of rubbish about needing space. My answer to that would have been 'well fuck off and find some then' but I don't put up with this type of crap.

Sunflower1970 · 02/04/2021 18:48

I think you need to make the decision and take control. There are no excuses for this despicable behaviour. Buy your house and move on. Is there somewhere you can stay in the meantime? He is cheating

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2021 18:50

@Beanie14

What I don't understand is, why tell me he loves me and that it's not me, and is doing nice things over the last couple of days. Is it so he can keep me hanging, just incase he changes his mind. I never expected this from him. We've been best friends and inseparable since the day we met. We never argue and have a great relationship. Then once we have the first scan he switched off. I'm so scared
Because if there's another woman he doesn't want everyone to know what an enormous prick he is. If he has a break he can pretend that it became more of a break and then he met the new woman, making him, in his mind, not the utter shit who cheated on his newly pregnant partner at the most vulnerable and important time of all their lives.

Watch him write the script. It will be enlightening.

You want the baby, that the important thing. Don't let him play stupid games with you.

munchiemunch · 02/04/2021 18:50

Glued to his phone. Up and down behaviour? Sorry OP. He’s mucking around. Confront him face to face. Say you owe me the truth, I want to know who she is right now or I’m contacting all of your friends and family and telling them all in a big group message what’s been happening and that I suspect you’re cheating.

Sunflower1970 · 02/04/2021 18:51

@Elieza

To those slagging off my post are you honestly trying to say that this doesn’t happen, are you trying to say that men do not walk away from responsibility all the time leaving women to pick up the pieces? May I add with little help from the government to make the absent fathers pay?

Because I hate to burst your bubble but men walk away from responsibility all the time.

And be it the 2000s or the 1950s, you can’t make someone love you, and you can’t make someone stay.

The only thing you can do is put up with this and leave it in their hands or tell them goodbye.

Sad but true.

This isn’t about you Elieza
HollowTalk · 02/04/2021 18:54

Being suddenly glued to his phone is the biggest red flag, I'm afraid. What a shit he is.

Wanderlusto · 02/04/2021 18:59

He's probably looking to hop out (or back and fouth) throughout the harder parts (eg: from when you start showing until the kid can attend nursery during the day). And laying the foundations for this flakeyness right now.

Did he bother to propose (or at least discuss marriage) before getting you pregnant? It's a clear sign they are flakes and you are just 'mrs right now' to them when they don't.

Dery · 02/04/2021 19:15

“The lesson I have learned is that if someone wants to be with you they will, anyone who values you would never ever face the possibility of losing you.

The fact that he has done this at the most vulnerable time of your life shows you who he is. Believe him. Get onto the chump lady website about relationships and parenting with an ex.”

This with bells on. Talking about a break means he’s willing for the relationship to end. A serious partner doesn’t take a break when their partner becomes pregnant with the baby they have been trying for.

LowlandLucky · 02/04/2021 19:25

He just needs a few days to get his head around becoming a Dad. Give him a chance, he hasn't done anything wrong.

duggeeismynewbestfriend · 02/04/2021 19:43

@LowlandLucky did you miss the part about how worried and upset the OP is?

I'm sorry but being glued to your phone and telling your pregnant partner by your actions that there is someone or something more important than her and the life growing g inside her is doing plently.

Suddenly deciding to withdraw and then asking for a break when your partner is pregnant is emotional abuse.

Then playing nice to either ease your guilty conscience or to keep your options open so that your partner doesn't know if she is coming or going is all emotional abuse.

The OP has lost a considerable amount of weight through stress and worry. Which is clearly not good for her or her baby.

But no he hasn't done anything wrong.

MaLarkinn · 02/04/2021 19:48

Oh op this doesn't sound good.

I can't believe the do you really want the baby comments have started when you haven't mentioned in your op that a termination is even a consideration.

Can you get your hands on his phone?

Original poster
Beanie14 · 02/04/2021 20:03

I can look at his phone when he's asleep but I'm too scared to even look. He's been sleeping downstairs even though I've been on nights, so he's not in the bed when I get home.
At the moment ignorance is bliss but if I was to find out he's been cheating I think that would break me

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/04/2021 20:17

I know that feeling, but sometimes you really do just have to bite the bullet. It's not as though he's being nice to you and you feel you want to put your head in the sand. Grabbing some control will help you to recover. I really feel for you Flowers

Botanica · 02/04/2021 20:24

He's already shown you he can't be relied on. If it were me I couldn't care less what's on his phone nor about confronting him and listening to a pack of lies. He's a flaky partner and can't step up when you need him.

I wouldn't want to tie my life to someone like that. Take control, make the decision yourself that you deserve better and send him on his way.

diwrnachoflleyn · 02/04/2021 20:25

Nope, he doesn't get to have all the agency over your life. No 'break', he has to leave. Do not take him back, give the baby his surname or put him on the birth certificate. What a knob. He's checked out of you. The phone thing? He's cheating and wants to keep his options open in case it doesn't work out with his side chick.

diwrnachoflleyn · 02/04/2021 20:26

When did all this 'break' shit come about? Sounds like 'I want to shag around but keep you as an option'. Fuck that. Anyone said that to me or they needed space, told them to take forever then.

MabelPines · 02/04/2021 20:37

diwrnachoflleyn

The bloke is a dickhead of the highest order but he still the babies father, and the OP will be doing her child no favours by not naming him as such on the birth certificate.

Beanie14

I think your instinct is telling you something, which is why you don’t want to check his phone.

My advice to you would be take control and end your relationship with him, your sanity and self esteem will thank you in 6 months.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/04/2021 20:42

@diwrnachoflleyn

Nope, he doesn't get to have all the agency over your life. No 'break', he has to leave. Do not take him back, give the baby his surname or put him on the birth certificate. What a knob. He's checked out of you. The phone thing? He's cheating and wants to keep his options open in case it doesn't work out with his side chick.
Totally agree re last names but he should be on the birth certificate because he is the baby's father and has a responsibility to that child to contribute financially. Pursuing CMS payments will be necessary if OP and him don't stay together. It would be silly not to add him to the birth certificate.
wigjuice · 02/04/2021 20:47

Override his wishes, prepare to do it alone. If he can treat you like this whilst you are carrying his child, then he will not care a jot on how he treats you in the future.

MrsGulDukat · 02/04/2021 20:49

Pursuing CMS payments will be necessary if OP and him don't stay together. It would be silly not to add him to the birth certificate.

He doesnt need to be on the BC for maintenance.

MrsJackRackham · 02/04/2021 20:50

My ex wanted 'a break'. I was the best thing ever to happen to him but he wanted to get his head together to enable him to fully commit to me, blah blah. He kept in contact, doing odd jobs, making sure I was doing ok etc
He was shagging the barmaid.

CoconutQueen · 02/04/2021 20:56

Sorry OP. Yes I agree that the glued to the phone thing, accompanied by this needing a break nonsense, means he is up to no good, for sure.

You will be ok though. You can get through this Flowers

MsDogLady · 02/04/2021 20:57

Beanie, you must be devastated. He is mistreating you and the baby right there under your roof.

When considered together, the changes in his behavior suggest an OW—emotionally distanced, glued to his phone, wanting a break (to be single).

He is throwing you crumbs to keep you as an option, plus he doesn’t want to be seen as a total villain.

You don’t have to tolerate his blatant disrespect, Beanie. How dare he cause you to feel unsettled and upset. Take control by showing him the door.