Partner wants a break

[Beanie14]

Hope someone can offer some advice.

My partner of 3 years and I have been inseparable since we've met. We planned to start a family this year and are in the process of buying a home (in my name) so we can raise our family.
I am currently 12 weeks pregnant. About 3 weeks ago after our private scan at 8 weeks he started distancing himself from me. Was feeling a little overwhelmed and has been furloughed for the last year so lockdown is really getting to him. So I've given him some space, but I've expressed my worry about our relationship that he's not communicating with me and trying to work things out.

The day of our 12 week scan he told me we were a team but then later in the day he told me that he wanted a break!! He said he still loves me and it's not me it's him. Said I mean the world to him. But he needed a few days to think.
So I haven't talked to him and have been going to work and keeping out of the way as we live together. But he's been checking in making sure I'm ok and buying me snacks from the shop and texting me while I'm at work.
This is making me really confused. Does he still love me? Or is this his way of an easy out? Starting with a break and then will just wait until our house has gone through so I can move on alone.
This has come out of the blue, it's like a switch and he's now gone from being attentive and inseparable to not wanting to be with me.
Is he only doing nice things because he's feeling bad?
I'm really scared of the prospect of raising a child alone. This wasn't how it was meant to be, we were supposed to be starting this journey together, I'm scared and anxious too but we were meant to do this together. It's our first baby. I'm scared for my future and my baby.

He’s being so unfair to you. Sorry op

He is fannying about with pretty words and love yous and it isn’t yous because he is too much of a coward to end it. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy ending the relationship when you are buying a house and expecting his baby.

Give him his break. A permanent one.

If he deserts you when the going isn’t even hard you will never be able to count on him.

Putting him on the birth certificate gives him parental responsibility. That may or may not be desirable. But if they’re not married, OP can’t put his name on the certificate without him being there.

I would be more scared having to put up with this pathetic excuse of a man, than going it alone. At least you won't let yourself down.
Tell him you need a real man, pack your bags and don't look back.
If he can pull a stunt like this now, there's no hope for your future.
He hasn't even got the balls to be honest with you.
And make sure you tell all his family and friends, name and shame him because he's relying on you keeping quiet.
Good luck, don't let fear get the better of you, you and your baby can still have a wonderful future.

So sorry OP - he sounds like a horrible shit.

Not sure what you want but a permanent break may be sensible . Will he need another break when you give birth?!

Really sorry you are going through this OP, I can imagine you feel so shocked, blind sighted and lost. This happened to me too, I was heartbroken. I had to finish with him because of the stress (it was 3am I was at home crying and he was out clubbing)
It wasnt long before I started to feel better and I really bonded with the baby in my tum...fast forward 7 years I've got an amazing relationship with my son and an amicable one with the ex. I really feel for you, you can do this though and you'll be stronger because it. This made me feel so angry at your bloke, if you havent already you'll lose respect for him too the selfish prick! Good luck and all the best to you

He’s taking the piss. Does OP get a “break”?! Oh no, she’s too busy working nights, sorting out the new house and buying a house etc. OP l feel for you and you deserve so much better

How was he when he found out you were pregnant? Has the change happened since then?

You’ll never feel secure with this person. Life will be so unpredictable.

The other woman (if she exists) may not know that you’re pregnant. If she finds out and dumps him he may come crawling back. Resist.

No it was only after first scan at 8 weeks things changed. Think it must have hit him that there was actually a baby in there

Sorry didn’t mean to write buying a house. Meant to write “growing a baby” for the 2nd buying a house

This happened to me but DS1 was 1 year old he wanted a break. I didn't give him the choice it was all or nothing and he left, he soon announced his new relationship with his ex gf a couple of days later. He basically been cheating on me and was weighing up his options of family life or having fun carefree with ow. He wanted me on the back burner incase it didn't work out but I didn't get the chance. I left the house and returned home to my parents, got a job, got myself back on my feet. His relationship didn't even last 6 months. I then got with my now dh and never looked back. It completely shocked him that I moved forward and for a while he was pretty resentful that I was with DH and then when we started a family. You don't need to settle for this op and having a child and being a single mother isn't the end of the world.

Don't allow him to treat you this way op, he doesn't get to make all the choices, you are worth more than that

If you haven't already bought your new house reconsider where you would want to live as a single parent. Might you want to be close to supportive friends or family? Will your current job work in this new scenario?
You might be better off moving out as soon as possible if there's anywhere you can go. I realise that means financial and practical difficulties.

I really feel for you, good luck

No such thing as a ‘break’ - it’s only so he can let you down in stages and not be the bad guy who leaves while you are pregnant. He’s in or he is out.

Thinking about it for a second, what would he even mean by a break? This implies you would get back together after what, a certain length of time? What is he proposing will change while you’re on this break? He’s allowed to sleep with other people? Research better options? He’s taking nonsense. Sorry op, it must be so hard but I agree with everyone else saying you should probably end it.

@Beanie14 I've been where you are -albeit I was not pregnant. Your relationship is over and the sooner you realise it, the better for you and your baby.
F#ck the snacks and the texts -these are cheap, literally. F#ck that he says he loves you -words are free to use, they mean nothing if they are not backed up by actions. Stop holding on to these as if they'll make anyone magically tell you "ah well, sure, he is putting you through emotional hell while you're carrying his baby, but if there are snacks...!"
WAKE UP, YOU ARE MISSING THE BIG PICTURE!
The guy saw a black and white blob on the screen at 8 weeks and started planning his escape. Can you even imagine what would happen when a crying newborn will take away all his sleep and freedom?
There is no hope for this relationship outside of your own head. You are keeping it alive by holding on to who you thought he was. You thought he was perfect, well, clearly you were wrong. You thought you had the perfect relationship but, come on, 3 years without an argument? These were 3 easy years, from the sounds of it. When major changes started approaching, like the house and the baby, he showed his true colours. That's all there is to it.
You now have a baby to think about so you need to move out as soon as possible, stop chasing after him and focus on giving your baby the best start in life.
I sound harsh but I really do feel for you. I hope you find the strength to break free from this toxic situation. I truly wish you all the best.

I feel very sorry for you OP.

Forget him.
He is not reliable and will not step up.

@wanderlusto
@dery
@eloiseislost

Have given good advice.

Where is this house you are buying?
Is it near family and friends?
If not reconsider.

This guy is messing about and I don't believe you know what is going on in his life.

You are determined to have this baby.
This baby is going to hugely change YOUR life.

What age are you?
Do you really want to be a single parent, juggling everything?

Have you figured out just how difficult doing it on your own will be.

I don't think you really ever knew him.
The real him is emerging and I think you are going to be both disappointed and let down.

The phone attachment is key.

You are going to need to get very serious very quickly about the decisions you are making.
They are going to hugely impact YOUR life forever.

I think terminating the pregnancy would be the wisest option.

I suspect you home he will come around.
He won't.
This is who he is.

Get support IRL and really think about the commitment you are making to have a child with him when he clearly does not wish to be with you.

Denial of your harsh reality will cost you dearly.

I feel huge sympathy for you.

Probably an ow or someone he's after.
I'd make the break permanent if I were you.

Hey OP, I’m sorry this has happened to you at this time. You are stronger than you realise and you will have a good life with your baby, it’ll be tough as a single mum but you CAN do this. Having a flakey DP around just makes life harder. Keep your beautiful baby, head back to your family and friends and start to rebuild. Much luck to you OP.

Don’t do the pick me dance

Cut your losses. Lose him, be strong. You are stronger than you think. So many blokes are tossers.

If he can’t cope with pregnancy he won’t be able to cope with a baby and supporting you as a new mother.

Decide what you want from him and tell him to either do it or fuck off. You don’t need this shit from him in your life. A man who things “taking a break” is reasonable during pregnancy is being really pathetic. He needs to snap out of it and grow up.

Ahh yes, the old “break” excuse.

He’s cheating on you, OP.

At the very least, his head has been turned by another woman. It’s the ultimate betrayal.

You should read this article from ChumpLady: “Cheating on the Pregnant, and Other Acts of Abandonment”

“When a cheater dumps you when life has you down and especially needy — older age, or pregnant — it’s a gift. I know, it doesn’t feel like a gift, it feels like a kick in the teeth. They were NEVER going to be there for you. It was just an illusion. The veil was lifted, and now you see what you were living with all along — your loneliness. Oh, hey, NOW it makes sense. That’s where they were! Checked OUT. Their abandonment is a gift because now you can shore yourself up and create a new life with people who WILL be there. Who respect the social contract. Who are moved by vulnerability, who feel the intimacy in that, who WANT that intimacy in their lives. They’re out there. Those people don’t have to be partners or new spouses even, they can just be the good people who love you.”

Take all power away from him. He does not get to dither and erratically pop in and out of your life, throwing you scraps of affection here and there.

Dump him today and save yourself YEARS of heartache.

Good luck to you and your beautiful baby.

So sorry OP this is awful for you. How does a break work when he is living there still? Its not healthy for you to be in this limbo, he is either in or out. After all you cant take a break can you and pause the pregnancy. He is being selfish.

I’d reconsider the house you are buying and as others have said think about being close to friends and family as you’ll need the support. Do you have family who could help with the baby?

He is being nice to you out of guilt but he needs to decide sharpish what he wants as you cant go on like this. He may be hoping that you’ll end the relationship out of anger/:frustration then hes not the bad guy. I appreciate it must be very difficult him being on furlough when a child on the way which is unfortunate timing.

I had a baby on my own it was hard but in some ways easy as all I had to do was think about baby and no one else!

Keep strong

I think that you need to assume it’s finished between you and boyfriend and act accordingly. I too think that he’s having an affair.
Can you afford the new house? Is it near your friends and family or just in a convenient location for him?
The fact is he will be staying in his house and he’s just playing nice right now until you move out.
I am a single mum & it’s ok. Don’t worry try to get practical.
In the long run you’ll be the winner in life because he’s shallow & irresponsible and you can’t fix that.