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Relationships

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Original poster

Is he in love with her?

81 replies

PoolsOfLight · 01/04/2021 11:14

My head is all over the place this morning and I am just looking for some kind of understanding of what on earth is happening.

I'm in a long distance relationship, and my DP had an emotional affair with a woman who he spent a lot of time with in my absence. He said they were just friends, but it crossed multiple lines of emotional intimacy and went on for a long time.

She confessed she was in love with him, he said he didn't feel the same, broke it off and confessed all to me saying he really regretted letting things get out of hand and hadn't realised it was becoming an emotional affair. He said he was very lonely with us apart so much and she was just good company but he didn't have any romantic feelings for her.

We have been through months of sorting this out and getting into a really good place as a couple and he put in loads of effort into repairing the damage and I felt really positive. Total transparency and honesty as well as no contact with the EA partner was part of the reconciliation deal.

Then, bit by bit, "no contact" with her started to slip. It started off small, with her just saying "hello" at work and then escalated to her messaging or emailing that she missed him and then in the end to her needing to meet him for "closure" and him agreeing to this because she was so upset and couldn't move on!

I was understandably fuming and feeling really threatened, but he kept assuring me he was just trying to close it off and he didn't have any feelings at all for her and was in love with me. He even proposed and we were discussing plans for this and I will be honest, I completely believed this and thought she was a friend who developed feelings that were not returned.

Then suddenly, he turns around during a talk and admits he misses her company, which is really painful. I question if he misses her company in particular, or if he'd prefer to have me around than her. He says he would prefer me by far and it's me he is in love with, but I am not there and he misses having someone to have a cup of team with or listen to music.

I tried to explain how hurtful and disloyal it is to tell me he misses his emotional affair, and he apologises and says he is just trying to be honest and transparent so we can have intimacy and not keep secrets like before. He reassures me countless times he has no romantic feelings for her, doesn't fancy her and chose me.

After they had their big "closure" talk, he came away from it and told me he'd explained to her he only ever wanted to be friends and he was sorry it could never be anything more. She cried, said she accepted it and she would stop contacting him.

So she did stop contacting him and saying hello to him and paying him any attention at all. She even started openly flirting with someone else in front of him at work.

And what happens? He gets JEALOUS - he didn't admit it but he definitely was jealous, and then he and I had a massive row about it and he suddenly said he's confused about what he feels about her.

I asked if he has romantic feelings, he says he doesn't think so.

I asked if he wants to kiss / shag her, he says no it's not about sex.

I asked if he wanted a future with her, he says no he wants a future with me.

He says he is just confused and feels an "attachment" to her and the way she made him "feel". I asked what she made him feel and he said "peaceful and happy"

Now I am just spinning around like I am going mad. What is this? Is he in denial and he's in love with her? He wants to marry me, but another woman makes him happy?

AIBU? Is this completely crazy? Does this mean he obviously doesn't love me or is a complete dick? I am so confused.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 01/04/2021 11:20

Oh god, I couldn't be doing with this! Honestly, I'd be out of there. You need someone who's absolutely all for you, not this man who doesn't know what he wants. She makes him happy - she's welcome to him.

Srslydontgiveacrap · 01/04/2021 11:20

You are wasting your life! Ditch him.

Ruminating2020 · 01/04/2021 11:20

I suspect he just enjoys the attention and likes having a close friend and confidante of the opposite sex. It's not healthy and will inevitably put a strain on your relationship.

He needs to cut her off because anything else is giving her hope.

AndreaMarteau · 01/04/2021 11:21

I'd dump him, OP. He'll be having you do the pick me dance before you know it. Even if this woman was out of the picture, it's a long distance relationship, so who's to say the next time he's 'lonely' that he's not going to develop a friendship with someone else to fill the gap.

It doesn't really matter whether he loves you or not. He's emotionally involved with this woman, and he's strung her along as well. Is this really someone you want to waste your time on? I don't think you'll ever feel properly secure again if you stay with him.

Wanderlusto · 01/04/2021 11:22

Too much like hard work op.

Maybe there are feeling there, maybe not. It could even be narcissistic triangulation (him using another person to make you feel 'am I not enough?'). And just enjoying the kick he gets out if two women liking him. Or some manipulative lead into polygamy.

Who knows. But one thing that is clear is that it's far too much drama, hard work and heartache.

Relationships should add positivity, security and happiness to your life. If they don't then there is literally no point to them!

Draw a line under this one op. He will never bring you happiness and life is far too short for this bullshit.

CirqueDeMorgue · 01/04/2021 11:23

Good god, fuck him off. You can do better. Honestly bin him off now then if he's telling the truth, I guess he'll know what missing someone's company feels like.

Bluntness100 · 01/04/2021 11:24

Op, cmon, no one is this gullible. Of course it’s about sex, ego, flattery and he has strong feelings for her. Given a chance he will go there.

Just end it, this is going no place good.

Iamthewombat · 01/04/2021 11:24

I asked if he has romantic feelings, he says he doesn't think so.

He doesn’t THINK so??

You are too good for this nonsense, surely?

AryaStarkWolf · 01/04/2021 11:32

Oh god, get out now OP, how dare he do that to you, what is it with men doing shit like this, I've heard this story, this same story numerous times where the man has had either an affair or and EA and while trying to work things out with their actual partner act all depressed and poor me because they miss their affair partner and act like they need fucking sympathy......from their actual partner, the actual injured party!! One of these people was my dad, it's also the time by mother decided to end it. The fucking cheek

SilentPanic · 01/04/2021 11:34

If you marry him, you will live the rest of your life knowing that he is capable of huge affection for other women. Treat yourself kindly OP, and know that you are worth more than this. Your anxiety about this situation will never go away.

Trixie78 · 01/04/2021 11:38

Tbh it's going to happen eventually in a long distance relationship. Why are you living apart and is it something that will end in the short term? If not then you're unlikely to really have a future together, it's natural one of you will look for companionship with someone who's available at some point.

Parkerwhereareyou · 01/04/2021 11:41

The problem is, it is actually entirely possible to be in love with more than one person. Of course it is,

When we find one person who hits the spot, it is a choice from that point to distance ourselves from any others. A choice. But feelings can, of course, rebel against our choices. Do all the time.

So to me it sounds like he very much loves you, but he also in some other and lesser way loves her.

You are the Number 1.

The other problem is their proximity. This attachment has grown out of working together and bring around each other on a daily basis. And able to flourish even more with you miles away.

Personally I get why you don't want to chuck him up. It is you he wants to marry. You asked for honesty and perspicacity and he's given you it. It's just rather uncomfortable listening.

I don't think long distance is working here. I don't think he's an arsehole. I think the whole living/working situation has made you both vulnerable.

I myself would think ok he's being honest, and he does love me, but the situation has to change for this to have any chance.

One of other of your needs to change work/location in order that you can both live together full time.

And ideally he'd not work with her.

Others will all say ditch him. I agree that you working away and him working with her doesn't work. But I don't actually think he's bad or doesn't love you.

Bluntness100 · 01/04/2021 11:42

How long distance is long distance? How often do you see each other in real life.?

Parkerwhereareyou · 01/04/2021 11:43

@Trixie78

Yes Trixie that's what I meant too!! Only you said it neater : )

Hailtomyteeth · 01/04/2021 11:44

It sounds a pile of shite to me.
Ditch him. He can't be faithful and you're not even married yet.

WatieKatie · 01/04/2021 11:45

Are they just close friends OP or has it strayed into inappropriate behaviour?

Wanderlusto · 01/04/2021 11:49

Fucking hell pp why on earth would you advise someone to move in with some dick who had an emotional affair with them and then has the bloody cheek to moan about missing the other woman to her!

Maybe you're right and he isnt a shit, just incredibly tactless. But still, why should op settle for that? Why should she take the risk of moving him into her home? Cant you see how vulnerable that would make her if he decided he wanted to continue seeing the other woman or whatever other bullshit he felt like on any given day?

If she wants to keep trying with him then yes he absolutely needs to change jobs. But he should be doing this shit of his own volition. Instead he has chosen to keep seeing and stringing along this lass. He is not a good at heart person. He is not telling her these things to be honest. He is telling her so that he can claim the guise of being honest as a defense to his complete arseholery.

Please don't encourage women to be stricter or keep a better eye on their cheating partners by moving in with them. It is awful advice.

ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 01/04/2021 11:52

He misses having someone to fuck when he wants to. Because let's face it they clearly were at it.

He's not being transparent he wants you to agree to him seeing her 'for company' put him in the bin.

Original poster

PoolsOfLight · 01/04/2021 11:57

I am just so confused. Nothing seems to really add up. A lot of your comments are the things I have thought, but they don't add up really.

I am in the UK and he's in the US, because of the situation travel is difficult obviously so whereas we used to see each other regularly it's ended up being months apart at a stretch.

No, nothing sexual has happened, but it was definitely inappropriate. What started out as coffee at work migrated into her making him dinner and them drinking and listening to music together and him sharing all his thoughts and feelings with her. He says she was a good listener and made him feel cared about but he didn't feel sexual towards her.

@AryaStarkWolf "the man has had either an affair or and EA and while trying to work things out with their actual partner act all depressed and poor me because they miss their affair partner and act like they need fucking sympathy......from their actual partner, the actual injured party!!"

This is exactly what's happening. It's so painful I can't even process it

@SilentPanic "If you marry him, you will live the rest of your life knowing that he is capable of huge affection for other women."

This is exactly how I feel. Since we met he was just besotted, he has always been so in love with me, and knowing he has formed this huge sense of affection and connection to another woman has completely broken me.

@Trixie78 yes, we are meant to be moving in together in August!

@Parkerwhereareyou this is all logical, but how I feel is devastated and I can't recover from it. I would need someone to be completely devoted to me and only me so him saying this has blown me to bits.

OP posts:

Original poster

PoolsOfLight · 01/04/2021 12:01

I am also in a really upset situation because after this revelation which came a few days ago, I freaked out completely and now he is coming home tomorrow morning. So he's going to be here soon and I am in bits.

This man is someone I honestly thought only ever had eyes for me and only ever could, and now I feel like everything is gone and I feel so violated.

When he told me about the emotional affair he didn't call it that, he said it was a friendship that got out of hand and I was upset a bit, but not really threatened as I really did believe it wasn't romantic from his side.

Now after all these months of resolution, he's not SURE???? How can you be SURE every day for 150 days and then suddenly NOT be sure???? It makes me feel like my entire life and relationship is complete bull shit.

I know, deep down, him even saying this is a complete deal breaker, but now he is coming home (and no, he can't go anywhere else his family aren't here) so what am I supposed to do or say?

Every time he has come home before we have been madly excited and crazy in love and now it just feels awful. I have no idea what to do with myself at all.

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 01/04/2021 12:08

Say no.
Assuming his name is not on your property.
Say no.

Eviethyme · 01/04/2021 12:12

Surely he's not that oblivious to his own feelings? If he got jealous then yes he has feelings for her. He may want both you and her but let's face it if you end things what's the likely hood they would get together within the next month or 2 🤔😒 he's got himself into a bad situation and he should have been smart enough not to go there in the first place

PatchworkElmer · 01/04/2021 12:13

It sounds like it’s over for you OP. I would feel the same- I don’t think I could trust fully after this. Is it his house too? If not, just tell him he can’t stay.

TedMullins · 01/04/2021 12:44

I wouldn’t call this inappropriate. In my world having dinner with friends, drinking, enjoying music and confiding in them is very normal and I have done this with many friends, male and female. It sounds like he has been honest about the nature of their relationship and communication, but you say it got “out of hand”, so I’m not sure if there was more that happened beyond this? What you’re describing doesn’t sound inappropriate to me.

However, saying he “doesn’t know” if he has romantic feelings for her is obviously a problem. I do think it’s naive and somewhat delusional to think any partner would feel that way about you and you only - being in a relationship and being in love doesn’t preclude you from developing feelings for someone else. But you’re not okay with that, and you don’t have to be. You can end a relationship for any reason you like and it’s understandable that possibly having feelings for someone else is a dealbreaker.

From what you’ve described I don’t think he’s had an affair, it sounds like he has been straight with her that he doesn’t reciprocate her feelings, but it is totally understandable that you’re uncomfortable with him wanting to remain friends with someone who’s openly in love with him. But he isn’t unreasonable to miss her company as a friend - I think what would be inappropriate now is for him to want to continue a friendship with her

Trixie78 · 01/04/2021 12:59

I'm sorry, the fact you're so close to moving in together does change things. It also sounds like he hasn't been entirely truthful. He's not suddenly unsure, he's been unsure all along and is just admitting it now. I'd wonder if it went further than EA, either way I don't see how you can trust him after this. Is he moving to you or you to him? I'm so sorry, this is shit xx

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