Is he in love with her?

[PoolsOfLight]

My head is all over the place this morning and I am just looking for some kind of understanding of what on earth is happening.

I'm in a long distance relationship, and my DP had an emotional affair with a woman who he spent a lot of time with in my absence. He said they were just friends, but it crossed multiple lines of emotional intimacy and went on for a long time.

She confessed she was in love with him, he said he didn't feel the same, broke it off and confessed all to me saying he really regretted letting things get out of hand and hadn't realised it was becoming an emotional affair. He said he was very lonely with us apart so much and she was just good company but he didn't have any romantic feelings for her.

We have been through months of sorting this out and getting into a really good place as a couple and he put in loads of effort into repairing the damage and I felt really positive. Total transparency and honesty as well as no contact with the EA partner was part of the reconciliation deal.

Then, bit by bit, "no contact" with her started to slip. It started off small, with her just saying "hello" at work and then escalated to her messaging or emailing that she missed him and then in the end to her needing to meet him for "closure" and him agreeing to this because she was so upset and couldn't move on!

I was understandably fuming and feeling really threatened, but he kept assuring me he was just trying to close it off and he didn't have any feelings at all for her and was in love with me. He even proposed and we were discussing plans for this and I will be honest, I completely believed this and thought she was a friend who developed feelings that were not returned.

Then suddenly, he turns around during a talk and admits he misses her company, which is really painful. I question if he misses her company in particular, or if he'd prefer to have me around than her. He says he would prefer me by far and it's me he is in love with, but I am not there and he misses having someone to have a cup of team with or listen to music.

I tried to explain how hurtful and disloyal it is to tell me he misses his emotional affair, and he apologises and says he is just trying to be honest and transparent so we can have intimacy and not keep secrets like before. He reassures me countless times he has no romantic feelings for her, doesn't fancy her and chose me.

After they had their big "closure" talk, he came away from it and told me he'd explained to her he only ever wanted to be friends and he was sorry it could never be anything more. She cried, said she accepted it and she would stop contacting him.

So she did stop contacting him and saying hello to him and paying him any attention at all. She even started openly flirting with someone else in front of him at work.

And what happens? He gets JEALOUS - he didn't admit it but he definitely was jealous, and then he and I had a massive row about it and he suddenly said he's confused about what he feels about her.

I asked if he has romantic feelings, he says he doesn't think so.

I asked if he wants to kiss / shag her, he says no it's not about sex.

I asked if he wanted a future with her, he says no he wants a future with me.

He says he is just confused and feels an "attachment" to her and the way she made him "feel". I asked what she made him feel and he said "peaceful and happy"

Now I am just spinning around like I am going mad. What is this? Is he in denial and he's in love with her? He wants to marry me, but another woman makes him happy?

AIBU? Is this completely crazy? Does this mean he obviously doesn't love me or is a complete dick? I am so confused.

Have you spoken to this woman? Normally I would suggest against it but I honestly think you need to hear her side. He sounds like he’s not telling the whole truth and could be playing you both.

Think about this logically, do you honestly think a woman would fall in love with a man if he didn’t show her affection/attentiveness in some way. Doesn’t have to be sexual , could be emotional. But whatever it is, he clearly has cast the same spell over her that he has you. Because somehow he’s achieved for you to feel UNDERSTANDING of his pity party of an EA?!?!!

! Unfuckingbelievable.

He sounds narcissist. ‘Poor me!!! Two women are in love with me’. Makes me sick to my stomach.

"(and no, he can't go anywhere else his family aren't here)"

Travelodge is open unless he needs you or a family member to wipe his arse for him.

Emotional affair - yeah right. He's full of crap. If he's causing you this much angst from thousands of miles away imagine what it'll be like when you find out the stuff he hasn't told you.

I can't believe you believe he hasn't slept with her tbh.

Cut your losses and stop dancing to his tune. Two women trying to win his affections? Yeah, must be sooooo terrible for him

Tbh op of he is in america and you ate here then of course he is shagging her.

He is probably telling her that you are the ex he just cant get over or some similar shite too tbh.

Of course it was sexual. No way were they have dinner and drinks and have deep and meaningfuls but nothing sexual happened. He's been sleeping with her.

Do yourself a favour OP. Dump him and spare yourself future heartbreak.

This is not going to end well and you deserve better than this.

You're wasting your time with him, fgs bin him off! I guarantee within a few months of you dumping him, he'll be with her!

If it wasnt sexual then he wouldnt have bothered telling you in the first place because if he only considered her a friend then there would be nothing to tell.

“However, saying he “doesn’t know” if he has romantic feelings for her is obviously a problem. I do think it’s naive and somewhat delusional to think any partner would feel that way about you and you only - being in a relationship and being in love doesn’t preclude you from developing feelings for someone else.”

This. If others simply ceased to be attractive when we commit to someone, then wedding vows would not be necessary. But I would add that the whole point is that your love for your chosen partner should prevent you acting on the attraction to someone else. In fact, resisting the desire to act on attraction to others is one of the greatest indications of love for and commitment to the chosen partner.

He was stupid and naive thinking he could enjoy such a close and emotionally intimate time with her without feelings developing on one side or the other and of course that’s what’s happened.

I would say - give it time. You don’t have to make a decision yet. Unless I’ve missed it, you don’t say how long you’ve been together or whether the relationship has been long distance all the time. It may be that your partner is unreliable or it may be that being long distance/COVID etc has made him act in ways that are atypical. In your shoes, I would probably give it a little time to see how matters unfold before deciding whether or not to end the relationship.

Well he is not 💯 committed to you so you have your answer

He really can't stay anywhere else, at least not immediately. He lands in the wee hours and he's already confirmed my house as his quarantine address. I have to at least get through today.

I have no idea what to think, yes, you're probably right and maybe he did sleep with her. My brain is just trying to process.

If he wanted to be with her, why didn't he just do that? I ended it for a few weeks after I found out about the EA and he didn't want her, he wanted to repair things with me.

If he had feelings for her, why has he been saying for so long that he didn't? I know the obvious answer is "he is lying", but then if he was lying why tell me at ALL about any of this or confess his confusion now?

Nothing adds up or makes sense. I have to take what he's saying at face value and that is that he loves me and wants to be with me but has also developed some sort of feelings for another woman.

What the fuck am I meant to do with that information? Surely he sees that's game over?

And I don't really understand how if he loves me so much that he COULD develop feelings for another woman - is that even possible? I would be incapable.

I just feel like my world has completely fallen apart.

I think all through this, I comforted myself that he had developed inappropriate intimacy with someone else, but that it was somehow not that painful because he wanted me and only me, he didn't feel romantic about the person and it only ever happened because I wasn't around for months.

Now all that seems less true. It seems a bit like he has feelings for both of us. I want to throw up, I really do. How can this be real. Has anyone here experienced this? I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest while I am still awake.

If he hasn't left the usa yet then you simply message him and tell him no. It is NOT your problem if he has nowhere to stay here. As long as you tell him before he gets on the plane, you've been perfectly decent.

If you let him stay with you now he will manipulate you into having to be ok with his behaviour. You arent ok with it and you shouldnt be.

His responsibilities are not your problem. He should have thought about how he wouldnt have your house to doss in, before HE fucked up.

He probably told you op because something happened over there and he thought she might tell you. Maybe she threatened to tell you if he didn't. Be very careful what you believe, I wouldn't trust a word out of his mouth.

He has slept with her. Accept that and you know what to do.

In the short term, I would not be at home when he arrives. Leave a note on the kitchen table saying “I will not be your fallback woman. Fuck off back to your good listener”

I can't leave or go anywhere, and he has to stay here at least initially. Many reasons why. I can get him to leave after quarantine (5 days) With that in mind, can anyone give me advice on what to do?

I want to be smart and pithy like your comments, but I just feel like I have frozen in complete panic. I'm in complete shock. I can't forgive him for developing feelings for another woman, nothing he can say can talk me around, I just feel like my skin is crawling.

Cant you all his employers or whomever and tell them theres been a change of plan and he cant stay? Then they will stop him travelling back for the job maybe? Or hell, even phone the airport and they will stop him travelling.

Alternatively, just be out as much as possible when he is there for the 5 days. Make it clear he has to go straight after that. Stay with friends or family or something.

It's too late now if he's landing soon, if he really has to stay then don't be intimate with him. Send him on to a hotel? If possible. You have the chance to end it, you really can't trust this man, I expect she is his ow not just emotional, he wouldn't admit that would he.
At least you can stop him moving in with you.

Even if you did stay together, he's now ruined the trust, why live with the hurt he has done.

Just tell him. Change of plan, he can find somewhere else. This isn't your problem anymore since he chose to cheat on you and then lie. He can stay elsewhere or get back on a plane can't he?

You won't do that but you really should.

"Nothing adds up or makes sense. I have to take what he's saying at face value"

Nothing adds up or makes sense because you are taking what he says at face value.

If you stick some of the actual truth in there (he's sleeping with her) then it'll soon add up and make sense.

You don’t owe him anything. Don’t be a mug- he stays elsewhere.

Call his work/the airport and tell them he can no longer stay.

He can change his quarantine address. BIL had to recently as the place he was staying flooded before he arrived.

You are not obliged to have him in your home.

@AnyFucker

You don’t owe him anything. Don’t be a mug- he stays elsewhere.

Agree.

Remember I have known about the EA for many months and have seen him since then, so this is a new development.

Part of reconciling with me was me knowing the full truth, so I asked for his phone at 3am standing in the kitchen crying, and he gave it to me so I know it wasn't edited or anything.

It contained months of "friends" messages, nothing flirty on either side, and a very low volume of messages as you would expect between mates, then it progressed to her saying she loved him and him saying nothing could happen as he loved me and her asking why wasn't she good enough and didn't he see how amazing their connection was. No reciprocation from him on any of that.

No sign from the messages that sex but I realise they might have, but what made me very angry about the messages was that after she had said she loved him he carried on hanging out with her closely for quite a while.

He seemed to finally realise it was wrong and cut it off, and then confessed all to me. Said he didn't want us to have lies between us. He tends to be a pretty honest person (sorry if that sounds farcical in the circumstances) so I took him at face value.

What seems to have happened is that he told her he didn't return her feelings, told me he didn't, and now she has withdrawn her attention and interest in him, he seems to be "confused". I don't understand how you can spend nearly every day with someone for a year, tell them you have no feelings for them, stop seeing them for six months and still have no feelings for them and then SUDDENLY decide you're confused.

After the 5 days, I can ask him to go to a Travel lodge if they are open. I thought everywhere was shut until 12th April?