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Relationships

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Original poster

Is he in love with her?

81 replies

PoolsOfLight · 01/04/2021 11:14

My head is all over the place this morning and I am just looking for some kind of understanding of what on earth is happening.

I'm in a long distance relationship, and my DP had an emotional affair with a woman who he spent a lot of time with in my absence. He said they were just friends, but it crossed multiple lines of emotional intimacy and went on for a long time.

She confessed she was in love with him, he said he didn't feel the same, broke it off and confessed all to me saying he really regretted letting things get out of hand and hadn't realised it was becoming an emotional affair. He said he was very lonely with us apart so much and she was just good company but he didn't have any romantic feelings for her.

We have been through months of sorting this out and getting into a really good place as a couple and he put in loads of effort into repairing the damage and I felt really positive. Total transparency and honesty as well as no contact with the EA partner was part of the reconciliation deal.

Then, bit by bit, "no contact" with her started to slip. It started off small, with her just saying "hello" at work and then escalated to her messaging or emailing that she missed him and then in the end to her needing to meet him for "closure" and him agreeing to this because she was so upset and couldn't move on!

I was understandably fuming and feeling really threatened, but he kept assuring me he was just trying to close it off and he didn't have any feelings at all for her and was in love with me. He even proposed and we were discussing plans for this and I will be honest, I completely believed this and thought she was a friend who developed feelings that were not returned.

Then suddenly, he turns around during a talk and admits he misses her company, which is really painful. I question if he misses her company in particular, or if he'd prefer to have me around than her. He says he would prefer me by far and it's me he is in love with, but I am not there and he misses having someone to have a cup of team with or listen to music.

I tried to explain how hurtful and disloyal it is to tell me he misses his emotional affair, and he apologises and says he is just trying to be honest and transparent so we can have intimacy and not keep secrets like before. He reassures me countless times he has no romantic feelings for her, doesn't fancy her and chose me.

After they had their big "closure" talk, he came away from it and told me he'd explained to her he only ever wanted to be friends and he was sorry it could never be anything more. She cried, said she accepted it and she would stop contacting him.

So she did stop contacting him and saying hello to him and paying him any attention at all. She even started openly flirting with someone else in front of him at work.

And what happens? He gets JEALOUS - he didn't admit it but he definitely was jealous, and then he and I had a massive row about it and he suddenly said he's confused about what he feels about her.

I asked if he has romantic feelings, he says he doesn't think so.

I asked if he wants to kiss / shag her, he says no it's not about sex.

I asked if he wanted a future with her, he says no he wants a future with me.

He says he is just confused and feels an "attachment" to her and the way she made him "feel". I asked what she made him feel and he said "peaceful and happy"

Now I am just spinning around like I am going mad. What is this? Is he in denial and he's in love with her? He wants to marry me, but another woman makes him happy?

AIBU? Is this completely crazy? Does this mean he obviously doesn't love me or is a complete dick? I am so confused.

OP posts:

JustLyra · 01/04/2021 16:06

what made me very angry about the messages was that after she had said she loved him he carried on hanging out with her closely for quite a while.

Tbh that also shows that he’s not a very nice person.

He kept using her for company while he was bored away from you despite knowing how she felt about him.

JustLyra · 01/04/2021 16:07

After the 5 days, I can ask him to go to a Travel lodge if they are open. I thought everywhere was shut until 12th April?

Lots of hotels are open for people who have legitimate reasons for travel atm (work, child contact, unable to return home etc)

Premier Inn have most of their hotels open for example. Not sure about Travelodge.

AnyFucker · 01/04/2021 16:36

You are making excuses to have him in your house. You don’t have to do that.

Original poster

PoolsOfLight · 01/04/2021 16:40

I'm really not, I just didn't want to type all the details of my life out. I really don't want him to stay with me. There are children involved, his kids are coming to visit for Easter. My daughter is expecting it. It would be a real shit show and make me even more stressed to try and deal with friends and family right now. I just want it quiet and simple and the idea of trying to work out where else he's going to stay at 2am this morning

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 01/04/2021 16:44

You don’t need to work out where he is going to stay...he does

He is having an affair. He is cheating on you. No person on earth would expect you to house him right now. Except you, it would seem.

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/04/2021 16:51

Tell him no. He doesn’t get to control you.

Don’t be a doormat, respect yourself. It’s his responsibility to find somewhere to stay. He’s emotionally blackmailing you.

ismiseeire · 01/04/2021 17:18

She wouldn't need closure unless there has been an actual intimate sexual relationship.

MadamBatty · 01/04/2021 17:26

She needs closure for a few meals & listening to music?

He’s playing you for a fool & you are letting him.

Alcemeg · 01/04/2021 17:44

Since we met he was just besotted
and
Every time he has come home before we have been madly excited and crazy in love

These are very hyper-romantic ways of describing your connection. If he is the type to feel "besotted" with you, then he must be a real romantic. That makes things difficult in a situation like this, as he might be the type to put women on a pedestal. Nicer than some of the alternatives, obvs, but still problematic on some levels!

Sorry OP

Songsofexperience · 01/04/2021 18:40

Side question: is he American or British?

denverRegina · 01/04/2021 19:35

"After the 5 days, I can ask him to go to a Travel lodge if they are open. I thought everywhere was shut until 12th April"

Nope

joysexjoysex · 01/04/2021 22:20

Op they were sleeping together. She wanted more. He said to her that he couldn't end it with you, but she's still in love with him. So they continue sleeping together. She threatens to tell you so he does but gives you a watered down version. Then she stops it and then he becomes jealous because he's no longer able to shag her. He comes running home to you, probably worried he's now lost both women.

anyoldtime · 01/04/2021 22:32

He’s stringing both of you along.

You are assuming he is telling you the full truth - that it’s all one sided and on her side and that he hasn’t deleted sent messages. He kept hers for the ego boost they give him.

I know someone like this, his side of the story changes depending on his listener and he has the capacity to play with people’s emotions while stringing them along and hurting a lot of people along the way.

His EA wasn’t there because it was one sided. I can guarantee she told him how she felt because he told her the same.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 01/04/2021 22:44

Cake & eat it springs to mind for that loser . Get rid ASAP.

whatnowforme · 01/04/2021 23:20

Whether he has been totally honest or not the fact is he has admitted having feelings for her. For your relationship to move on and work he absolutely must cut all contact. If he is committed to you then he will, even if he still has feelings they will fade if there is no contact. I'm in a similar situation and made it clear that if there is anymore contact I will leave him without a second thought - and I'm someone who loves my husband with all my heart.ive come to a point where I know i can't make someone love me and I'd rather be without him if I only have half of his heart. I'm hoping to not have to do this. Do you really trust him to stay away seeing as you can't 'check up' on him, being so far away? Living every day worrying is a horrible way to live, you deserve better x

Onthedunes · 01/04/2021 23:44

You really must not let him stay.
if someone had stabbed you in the chest would you invite them round to your home and let them stay.

Of course you wouldn't.
This man has hurt you, intentionally. He knows exactly what he is doing, stop listening to his waffle. Draw a line and tell him to get lost.

This isn't what love feels like.

DeeCeeCherry · 01/04/2021 23:47

Unless you get on with actually being together, long distance relationships don't work.

Osirus · 02/04/2021 00:59

@AnyFucker

You are making excuses to have him in your house. You don’t have to do that.

Give the poor woman a break.

MsDogLady · 02/04/2021 06:19

Your Partner has been leading a double life over here in the US. He has weak boundaries and felt entitled to pursue this illicit relationship as OW showered him with ego massages. He lapped up the adoration of 2 women.

A hallmark of emotional affairs is physical attraction. For a year he and OW developed intimacy with their cozy dinners, drinks, music, and sharing thoughts/feelings. This EA escalated to physical involvement. When OW pushed for a commitment, he panicked, distanced, and confessed a partial truth to you. But regardless of your distress, he wouldn’t stay away from her. After their final ‘closure,’ OW withdrew her adoration and he couldn’t handle that, as he is addicted to the feelings she engenders.

He’s been cheating and making a mockery of you, Pools. Are you actually going to diminish yourself by housing him while he pines for OW right in front of you?

Anon778833 · 02/04/2021 06:26

I can almost guarantee that he will have had sex with her. And he has minimised the whole thing to you to avoid maximum fall out. I’m really sorry to say this but honestly you will be better off with him out of your life.

HugeAckmansWife · 02/04/2021 07:51

Oh op I'm so sorry. This is a mess. There are two things that would need to happen for this to survive. One is you deciding if you can forgive him for developing feelings. As a pp said beautifully, developing them isn't always something you can control, but what matters is how you act at that point, and choosing the person you have committed too, despite these feelings, is the definition of marriage. He hasn't done enough to cut this off. My ex H did this. Our two kids and our recent marriage wasn't enough to pursuade him to cut contact with the woman who was similarly coming on strong to him. I'd have forgiven him and worked through it, but he couldn't stay away from her in the end. I'm not clear about the logistics but I think the only way forward here is for him to declare that commitment and move here permanently, if you can forgive him the feelings. I think mn sometimes gets v excited about LTB but it's not that simple and worthwhile relationships can recover but only if both parties are prepared 100% to put the effort in. Good luck.

Sillysandy · 02/04/2021 08:15

I don't think it's all over for you two, I think he sounds honest. He could have kept the whole thing quiet, how would you have known?

LDR is really hard. What's his friendship group like aside from this lady? If he is short on company it's not surprising she fulfilled a need for him and then he missed her when she was gone. Also, it doesn't paint him in the best light but his ego probably loved how she made him feel. Now that's gone and she's flirting with his friend. He sounds immature that he can't even reflect and see what is happening.

So in summary; I don't think he's cheating, I think he loves you, I don't think he loves her, I think he likes her and misses her company, I think he's quite silly, needy and immature.

See how this visit goes. I'd make an agreement to stop discussing this person at some stage, you're giving it more power.

Sunflower1970 · 02/04/2021 08:24

I would be in bits and would have a strong instinct to dump him. I couldn’t live with the now knowing and the mistrust. I also wouldn’t be able to cope with the fact that he’s jealous that she is flirting with someone. I think their relationship has gone further than he is admitting. End it or at least take a break - you need to get your head together and decide if this relationship can survive this betrayal long term

iMatter · 02/04/2021 08:38

How can he see anyone over Easter if he's in quarantine?

Presumably you have to stay in and away from people as well?

He's just ruined any plans you had for Easter and once again made everything about him.

You don't need an arsehole like this in your life.

anyoldtime · 02/04/2021 12:00

Gosh people are giving the DH a lot of the benefit of doubt here. I was in a similar position. Surely people know that it wasn’t ‘the woman coming on strong’. He fed her what she wanted to hear. He manipulated her enough to believe he had feelings for her. Who knows what he told her about the state of his marriage.

He sounds completely arrogant.
He will do it again. Having his ego boosted by the other woman’s attention is like a drug. If not this OW, it will be another as he doesn’t value his marriage or respect his wife more than his own ego.

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