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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Clingy partner

78 replies

MIAAN · 31/03/2021 19:57

Hi, so I'm starting to think my partner is clingy. Any time I text him that I'm doing something (cooking, baking or any fun activity) he asks me to facetime him so he can watch. We don't live together so haven't seen much of eachother due to quarantine so naturally he wants to facetime more, however I kind of can't stand facetiming I prefer texting.

Socialising with people drains me and I feel like I need to have alone time in order to recharge. Is this normal?

Anyway, I feel irritated sometimes when it seems that my partner wants to see everything I'm doing. I grew up an only child so I've always been in my own company and enjoyed it. We text all day everyday so I feel like we don't need to facetime.

Would it be wrong of me to refuse facetiming since we text 24/7? Or would this be like setting a boundary?

OP posts:

Easterbunnyishoppingmad · 31/03/2021 20:00

Clingy or controlling? Ask yourself genuinely which it is...

Aquamarine1029 · 31/03/2021 20:02

This is him wanting to keep tabs on you, not being "clingy." Run for your fucking life. Dump and block.

Original poster

MIAAN · 31/03/2021 20:03

@Easterbunnyishoppingmad I don't think it's controlling, he doesn't tell me what I can and can't do or anything like that, just seems like he wants to do EVERYTHING together, but I'm someone who enjoys doing things alone in silence

OP posts:

category12 · 31/03/2021 20:04

It's normal to want time to yourself (especially if you're introverted?).

If you don't want to facetime at all, just say no, you don't like it.

Or if you don't mind doing it sometimes, then do it sometimes, but say no sometimes.

How he reacts to a no is a good temperature test for a relationship anyway.

And if you are finding him smothering, then maybe he's not right for you.

Lampan · 31/03/2021 20:04

I also hate FaceTiming, I’d feel exactly the same.
Agree with the previous poster, ask yourself carefully do you think he is checking up on you? Or just really needy. Either would be a dealbreaker for me. If you’re not keen on this level of contact, that’s fine and you need to speak to him about it. It doesn’t matter if people think it’s ‘wrong’ - it doesn’t work for you so you shouldn’t have to put up with it. If he’s not happy then he can find someone who is OK with constant FaceTime.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/03/2021 20:04

I don't think it's controlling, he doesn't tell me what I can and can't do or anything like that, just seems like he wants to do EVERYTHING together

THAT IS STILL BEING CONTROLLING.

Sorry to shout, but FFS take your blinders off. Nothing about this is loving or normal.

CirqueDeMorgue · 31/03/2021 20:05

'Controlling' and 'wanting to keep tabs on you' based on this tiny amount of information. I love MN. 😂

Original poster

MIAAN · 31/03/2021 20:05

@Aquamarine1029 I dont want to jump to conclusions and say he's controlling, as I mentioned before he doesn't tell me what I can and can't do etc. It's my first relationship so I don't have much experience with relationships or controlling people, we've only been together for 1 year

OP posts:

Original poster

MIAAN · 31/03/2021 20:07

@CirqueDeMorgue

'Controlling' and 'wanting to keep tabs on you' based on this tiny amount of information. I love MN. 😂

I do agree it's a big statement to say he's controlling. I don't view him as controlling, just clingy haha, I just wanted to know if it sounded clingy and if it was worth discussing and setting a boundary

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 31/03/2021 20:07

It's my first relationship so I don't have much experience with relationships

Honestly, I thought this was probably the case. This IS controlling. It is NOT normal, and it WILL get worse.

Easterbunnyishoppingmad · 31/03/2021 20:08

I guess his response if you said no would be telling...

category12 · 31/03/2021 20:09

What does he do when you say no to him?

Original poster

MIAAN · 31/03/2021 20:09

@category12

It's normal to want time to yourself (especially if you're introverted?).

If you don't want to facetime at all, just say no, you don't like it.

Or if you don't mind doing it sometimes, then do it sometimes, but say no sometimes.

How he reacts to a no is a good temperature test for a relationship anyway.

And if you are finding him smothering, then maybe he's not right for you.

@category12 when I say no, he just says that's it's ok so he doesn't throw a tantrum or get aggressive. I do agree that I feel a little smothered sometimes though

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 31/03/2021 20:10

As an only child op it would annoy me too. I need my own space. Sometimes I feel like other ppl contacting me on a day I was meant to have to myself, takes me out of my ...bubble of peace, I guess. Even texts can irritate me.

Nothing worse than 'good morning' texts every day...apart from maybe the 'what have you been up to?' ones. Cringe!

I would just tell him you feel it disrupts the flow of your day to have to face time so much. That you are an introvert (even if you're not, I find that ppl understand it easier when you say that) and find it a bit too much.

Original poster

MIAAN · 31/03/2021 20:11

@Easterbunnyishoppingmad

I guess his response if you said no would be telling...

@Easterbunnyishoppingmad he never gets mad or anything. Only once he got a bit upset, he said "I just want to spend time with you" but I feel that if we are texting all day, surely that's enough communication? Idk I'm not good at relationships

OP posts:

Original poster

MIAAN · 31/03/2021 20:12

@Wanderlusto

Nothing worse than 'good morning' texts every day...apart from maybe the 'what have you been up to?' ones. Cringe!

@Wanderlusto I do agree that I'm an introverted person. As soon as I see a "what you up to?" Text I know he's going to ask to facetime, and I feel irritated. I feel bad about getting irritated but I've always been this way

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 31/03/2021 20:13

He's got you 'texting all day' too..ugh...needy as fuck. I couldn't.

Lucent · 31/03/2021 20:16

I’d find that enormously unattractive, I must say. Doesn’t he have friends, a job, hobbies, family, anything else going on in his life? I’d worry he was one of those passive drifty men who just adopt the friends, enthusiasms, hobbies etc of each girlfriend, and in between relationships just watch tv on the sofa because there’s nothing that’s inherently them.

Original poster

MIAAN · 31/03/2021 20:16

@Wanderlusto

He's got you 'texting all day' too..ugh...needy as fuck. I couldn't.

@Wanderlusto I must admit it's draining. On the odd occasion if I don't reply, he'll message saying "just seeing if you're ok" which I think is thoughtful but also a bit "dramatic" I'm sat at home not going anywhere so not sure what he's concerned about

OP posts:

StrudelSoup · 31/03/2021 20:18

Well, a test of a healthy relationship would be that you tell him that Facetiming just isn't your thing, that you've made an effort so far cause it's him, but you'd rather mostly text. He SHOULD be fine with this. It shouldn't be a big deal. If it is and he reacts badly then you have a problem (spoiler - it's him in that case).

The introverted label is a total red herring here though and is unhelpful. Just because you want time to yourself does not mean that you are necessarily an introvert. Just because someone does not like Facetime doesn't mean they are necessarily introverted either. Just because someone is an "extrovert" doesn't mean they'd want to be basically filmed all the live long day either. These terms are irrelevant here really I think.

Just tell him. If he isn't fine with it then I'd reevaluate things.

Wanderlusto · 31/03/2021 20:19

I usually flat out say (to avoid texting) 'Can we maybe just do a phonecall for a chat once or twice per week just. Because more than that is just too much for me. I love spending time with you but between those times...is my time with me'.

Provided you're seeing him once a week at least, theres really no need for him to be messaging you every day if you dont enjoy it too.

You have to be careful you are not compromising your comfort for his. Because that can take a really dark turn.

Original poster

MIAAN · 31/03/2021 20:19

@Lucent

@Lucent he's currently furloughed, lives at home with two other siblings. He's doing a level 4 qualification (distance learning) and plays games. Sometimes I get the feeling that he depends on me and other for happiness. He said he doesn't like playing his games alone and I said it would be healthy for him to learn to enjoy his own company

OP posts:

MazekeenSmith · 31/03/2021 20:19

I would go off this guy very quickly. Nothing kills passion as quickly as being irritated by someone.

category12 · 31/03/2021 20:20

must admit it's draining. On the odd occasion if I don't reply, he'll message saying "just seeing if you're ok" which I think is thoughtful but also a bit "dramatic" I'm sat at home not going anywhere so not sure what he's concerned about

Yeah, I don't think you're suited. He would drive me bonkers - too needy. I think you might find he gets worse and gets possessive as times passes too.

Original poster

MIAAN · 31/03/2021 20:21

@MazekeenSmith

I would go off this guy very quickly. Nothing kills passion as quickly as being irritated by someone.

Sometimes I do get irrirated when I see a text. I know I'm not being forced to reply straight away but something just makes me feel irritated

OP posts:

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