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Original poster

Clingy partner

78 replies

MIAAN · 31/03/2021 19:57

Hi, so I'm starting to think my partner is clingy. Any time I text him that I'm doing something (cooking, baking or any fun activity) he asks me to facetime him so he can watch. We don't live together so haven't seen much of eachother due to quarantine so naturally he wants to facetime more, however I kind of can't stand facetiming I prefer texting.

Socialising with people drains me and I feel like I need to have alone time in order to recharge. Is this normal?

Anyway, I feel irritated sometimes when it seems that my partner wants to see everything I'm doing. I grew up an only child so I've always been in my own company and enjoyed it. We text all day everyday so I feel like we don't need to facetime.

Would it be wrong of me to refuse facetiming since we text 24/7? Or would this be like setting a boundary?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/03/2021 21:39

[quote MIAAN]@Lillygolightly I have thought about ending it as I do feel suffocated, however part of me feels like it isn't justified since he hasn't actually done anything bad to me and I dont want to hurt his feelings[/quote]
You can stop a relationship with anyone at any time, for any reason.

If you're putting off breaking up with someone even though you want to, because you're scared of hurting their feelings, you need to be authentic, end it and do some work on your boundaries before dating again.

You don't sound compatible. That's ok. You shouldn't be with someone if their natural communication style makes you feel smothered or anxious. They may change it for a while if you bring it up, but this is who he is naturally - someone who wants continuous contact, much more than most people. This may be due to being cheated on previously but that isn't your burden to bear or issue to resolve.

Kikikoko1 · 31/03/2021 22:03

This has controlling written all over it.

tenlittlecygnets · 31/03/2021 22:06

If you've only seen each other twice in seven months, no wonder he wants to see you!

If you're not so keen on seeing him, that's a sign that you're not compatible.

Fraggle40 · 31/03/2021 22:08

He might just be bang in love.. my OH was like that in beginning.. ah the memories.. he dont give shit now.. but i loved it that he was full on.. if your not feeling it though then there's your answer. I also hated being on cam or even sending a picture but i told him and it wasnt a big deal. It shouldnt be and he should respect that

Lullaby88 · 31/03/2021 22:11

It is normal to want to recharge. Esp if ur an introvert u need that time alone to do yr own thing and if that means u baking etc u have to make sure u recharge and enjoy urself and not let ur partner ruin ur time. Put urself first. I hate facetime so much its the worst thing ever. I never go on it and i dont care if people get offended or feel like im ignorant i just feel uncomfortable using it and draining aswel as its a flippin screen. And hav to keep giving attention to the person with no breaks. Mayb u could facetime once or twice a week and tell him ur not a fan of facetime?

Wanderlusto · 31/03/2021 22:17

Tbh op, if you ever find yourself thinking 'maybe he is insecure' about a man its usually (95% of the time) the case that he is actually controlling.

Control is often mistaken or excused by women as 'insecurity' unfortunately.

camsue · 31/03/2021 22:39

'I've been cheated on before'. Is a classic excuse from an abusive person for being controlling. His insecurities are not yours to fix

Original poster
MIAAN · 31/03/2021 22:52

@Emmelina you're right it is a fine line which is why it's so hard to decide if it's clingy or borderline controlling, so sorry your sister went through that

OP posts:
NinthCircle · 31/03/2021 23:08

[quote MIAAN]@Emmelina you're right it is a fine line which is why it's so hard to decide if it's clingy or borderline controlling, so sorry your sister went through that[/quote]
But surely it doesn’t much matter which, if you don’t like the behaviour it’s causing? I mean, I’m not sure ‘insecure, clingy and without much else going on in his life’ is all that much more compelling a package than ‘possessive, controlling, checking you’re really baking and not out with a secret lover’.

Emmelina · 31/03/2021 23:29

@NinthCircle absolutely! It’s making OP very uncomfortable. If it does turn out to be controlling she’ll have a rough job getting out later down the line if the relationship progresses.

EarthSight · 31/03/2021 23:55

You don't have to agree or decide on if he's clingy or controlling. You both have different levels of required contact. Maybe he's lonely right now which is making it worse.

If you're not quite sure what to do, just have a serious conversation with him and tell him that you need to do certain things by yourself. He might find it comforting to watch you but it makes you feel uncomfortable. It's not up for debate. You know yourself well enough to know what your boundaries are and either he accepts that or it doesn't look good for your future. It's horrible feeling suffocated which can happen easily to some people, and it will turn you off him even more very quickly.

If he requires a lot more contact than you generally, that's just going to create a lot of tension in future. If he wants to watch you do things because it gives him anxiety to not know what you're doing.....that's really not good.

WisnaeMe · 01/04/2021 03:52

Sounds way too clingy to me. I have Skype Face-time Video call turned off on my phone. I loathe video calls they are so intrusive. The mere idea of him wanting to watch you cook whatever would have me blocking him faster than my kettle can boil. You need to start prioritising your own boundaries, and your own feelings over his needs.

Really not liking the sound of this OP. 🌸

Sansaplans · 01/04/2021 03:58

I do think times are weird at the moment and its hard to gauge if he would be like this normally. But if you're uncomfortable with the level of contact (I would be too) perhaps talk to him about it with a view to ending it if you aren't on the same page.

Windmillwhirl · 01/04/2021 05:23

I don't think it's controlling. You can say no if you want to. The fact you don't is adding to the problem.

Shoxfordian · 01/04/2021 07:05

I wouldn’t be able to deal with a level 5 Klingon like this. Leave your phone on silent and stop texting him so much.

At best you have very different communication styles that aren’t compatible so you should dump him. At worst he’s going to be controlling so you should dump him

AgentJohnson · 01/04/2021 07:26

Personally I wouldn’t waste time putting a label on his behaviour. Just focus on how his behaviour makes you feel and stop diminishing your feelings by labelling yourself as an introvert. You are not compatible on a fundamental level, he is who he is and you are who you are.

Wanting to leave a relationship is justification enough to leave a relationship. Never go down the psychoanalysis rabbit hole, you aren’t qualified and it doesn’t change the situation.

Dery · 01/04/2021 07:52

@AgentJohnson is bang on. You don’t need additional reasons to justify breaking up with him. The fact that you’re not feeling it is enough. It would be different if you were married and/or had children but that’s not the case. You don’t owe him a relationship and you don’t sound well-suited.

In fact, I think if you were truly interested in him, you would want to FaceTime at least a few times a week, because you would want to see him and hear his voice. That’s the kind of thing you want to do when you’re romantically interested in someone. Text wouldn’t be a sufficient substitute.

Dery · 01/04/2021 08:07

PS - that’s why texting isn’t enough for him.

Roussette · 01/04/2021 08:22

This sounds awful, I could not stand such smothering behaviour from anyone.

Next time he does his usual 'how are you' text.... pre-empt it and say 'I'm fine and don't ask me to FaceTime thanks'

Do that every single time till he gets the message if you still want him to be your partner or whatever you call him.

He sounds needy and clingy and it depends if you want to spend the time re-educating him. Or not.
(personally it would be Not for me)

Original poster
MIAAN · 01/04/2021 16:35

@WisnaeMe so we just had a conversation and he asked me why I don't facetime him and why he always facetimes me, I told him because facetiming can be overwhelming for me and I prefer texting but I said once a week is okay. He then says "sorry I shouldn't have said anything" it makes no sense to me. Why ask a question and then say that?

OP posts:
Original poster
MIAAN · 01/04/2021 16:37

@Windmillwhirl when I do say no, he seems somewhat dissapointed so then I end up giving in

OP posts:
Original poster
MIAAN · 01/04/2021 16:40

@Dery we send eachother photos and voice notes everyday and speak 24/7 so I just feel like to add facetiming on top is too much. I said to him once a week is okay for me and we've made plans to see eachother since we're allowed to mix households now

OP posts:
Weirdfan · 01/04/2021 17:08

I would be proceeding with real caution here OP, these are early red flags and you need to be on the alert for others. The minute you find his 'insecurity' is making you change your behaviours or adjust your boundaries to accommodate him you should be backing away.

I wish someone had told me that when I was young (along with a lot of other things!) because controlling behaviour isn't always easy to recognise, what you're describing is definitely ringing alarm bells for me though, sorry OP.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/04/2021 17:12

@MIAAN if you're being 100% honest, if the communication frequency was up to you would you still message as much as you currently do? Or would you be perfectly happy (or more happy) to message less?

WisnaeMe · 01/04/2021 17:28

OP you are allowed to express your feelings and good on you for talking about this with him.

You were clear and fair in expressing why you don't enjoy face timing.

Remember, your feelings and boundaries are valid, and nobody should force you to compromise on them.

You sound so nice, Im sure you will sort this 🌸