Clingy partner

[MIAAN]

Hi, so I'm starting to think my partner is clingy. Any time I text him that I'm doing something (cooking, baking or any fun activity) he asks me to facetime him so he can watch. We don't live together so haven't seen much of eachother due to quarantine so naturally he wants to facetime more, however I kind of can't stand facetiming I prefer texting.

Socialising with people drains me and I feel like I need to have alone time in order to recharge. Is this normal?

Anyway, I feel irritated sometimes when it seems that my partner wants to see everything I'm doing. I grew up an only child so I've always been in my own company and enjoyed it. We text all day everyday so I feel like we don't need to facetime.

Would it be wrong of me to refuse facetiming since we text 24/7? Or would this be like setting a boundary?

Eee...yeh the update makes him seem like he is checking up on you.

And training you to reply to his every whim.

Next time you go out leave your phone at home. ..
He sounds immature and on the road to controlling imo.
Already you are starting to feel stifled..

@Wanderlusto idk how to differentiate it from concern and keeping an eye so I'm really trying to not jump to any conclusions here, but I do feel very drained at times. If you have any advice, what would you say is a healthy amount to text a SO?

It's domineering and controlling to want this level of interaction from you. The checking up on you reads as you not being capable to look after yourself. Texting that often is a red flag in itself, let alone wanting to up the ante by asking for FaceTime. Set some boundaries and / or better yet move on. This type of behaviour only ever gets worse.

I only call my hubby once a day when I'm on my way home from work.

@Easterbunnyishoppingmad I keep trying to put it down to me being introverted as I hate to feel like I'm blaming him however yes, I am feeling a little stifled. Do you think I should discuss it with him and set a boundary?

A healthy amount is whatever you are comfortable with.

If it feels like too much, tell him that. If he cannot cut back to what feels comfortable for you (or if he can at first but then gradually raises the amount again) then he is not a keeper.

@camsue the next time he asks to facetime I will bring it up. We text often enough I dont feel like facetiming is needed. I enjoy facetiming my friends since we only text every few days so we have loads to catch up on

You've mentioned boundaries more than once and I think there's something really important in this. YOU are entitled to set whatever boundary you like. A romantic partner then chooses to accept it or not to accept it. If they don't accept it, it's the end of the relationship.

The way you talk about boundaries its as if you want your boundary to be acceptable to the other person - but that's not how they work. You need to be brave - state the things you want and then deal with the consequences, which will either be 'that's fine with me' or 'no, I can't go out with someone I can't text 24/7 and FaceTime 10 times a day.'

Either consequence is fine, because why would you want to be with someone who doesn't accept your boundaries?

Personally I wouldn't discuss it - after all it isn't up for discussion - you are entitled not to be on the end of your phone 24/7 to him
. You say he got upset... Mm a one off fine but that needs watching... You aren't responsible for his feelings... His issues whether they are insecurity /other are his to deal with. You don't have to be reassuring him why you aren't answering /ft him. You are an adult. You don't need checking on do you?

@Wanderlusto this is good advice. In my mind I feel like I will be "neglecting" him as he likes to communicate a lot, however I need to set my own boundaries. I just checked my phone and we've been texting non-stop from about 12pm today and for me, it is a lot

@HoldontoOneMoreDay you are absolutely right. Whether someone chooses to accept my boundary or not isn't my issue and their reaction will give me the answer I need. Thank you!

Switch your phone off for a few hours. See what his response is.

@Easterbunnyishoppingmad yeah, that one time he got upset I have thought about it a lot so I am watching out for similar behaviours. I think he is insecure since every relationship he's been in, he's been cheated on

@GotBeatenUp that's a good idea actually, I'll do that tomorrow

Interesting thread let me know how the chat goes

@hesnearly3 I will indeed keep you updated. I haven't texted him for almost two hours now (which is a lot for us lol)

You know OP quiet often people who are very clingy/controlling/insecure in relationships often get cheated on.

I think what happens is that they suffocate the other person so much they end up needing an escape. Add to that, that it’s far from easy to create much needed distance or end a relationship with someone who is that so needy, attached, clingy and invested in you. I often think that subconsciously the person being suffocated knows the only way to get the relationship to end is to do something awful, like cheat because that’s they only way they can be left alone.

This may possibly be the story with him, or not but perhaps worth considering.

I don't necessarily see this as being controlling. Sounds like he needs more contact than you do. Some people like texting; some prefer FaceTiming. Not a bad thing, just a difference between you. The fact that he's said ok when you've said no to FaceTiming is a good thing.

I think lockdown is probably getting to him - he's bored in furlough and wants to see you more.

Only you can decide if this is ok or if you're feeling smothered...

@Lillygolightly I have thought about ending it as I do feel suffocated, however part of me feels like it isn't justified since he hasn't actually done anything bad to me and I dont want to hurt his feelings

Have you actually asked him to stop texting so much? He's not psychic.

@tenlittlecygnets I agree he needs more contact than me. He's grown up with 7 siblings so he's never been by himself and I feel that he doesn't enjoy his own company. I like doing things alone, enjoy quiet time and I've grown up as an only child. I also agree that lockdown is getting to him as we've only seen eachother twice in 7 months

@tenlittlecygnets no, because I'm not sure if it's worth mentioning yet and wanted a second opinion

My sister was with someone exactly like this last year. When she’d refused to FaceTime more than a couple of times in a row he started making snide comments about being with another bloke 🧐 when she was just in her pyjamas with the kids or reading a book or other totally innocent things. Bear in mind this was in first lockdown!
There’s clingy, and there’s controlling, and I think the line is a VERY fine one sometimes!

I have thought about ending it as I do feel suffocated, however part of me feels like it isn't justified since he hasn't actually done anything bad to me and I dont want to hurt his feeling

You do not have to produce a "justifiable" reason to break up with someone, op. You're not feeling it, they annoy you, you hate their shoes, whatever, are all enough of a reason to end it. "Because I feel like it" is enough of a reason. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone. You already know this relationship isn't working for you, yet you're still wasting your time and his.