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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gut feeling husband is going to leave me soon.

622 replies

Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 01:36

I feel somewhat silly for writing this as I’m genuinely not sure what to think and haven’t been in this situation with him before. For some months I’ve noticed my DH has distanced himself from me quite a bit and has missed big events (in our relationship) like valentines, Mother’s Day etc. I feel like he’s been avoiding me and not making any effort anymore. He’s locked down his social media too, as I called out the fact he had randomly started following A number of women on SM which generally wasn’t a problem but the amount in a short space of time was. I have the gut feeling it’s someone from work as he has stopped texting me on breaks etc (which he always did before) and I found pictures of me in his recently deleted folder in his phone so there are no pictures of me in there anymore.

I’ve found he’s blowing up over the silliest things. He makes minimal eye contact and often comes home from his night shift and instead of getting into bed for a cuddle like he used to (before the kids get me up) he’ll stay downstairs, and go up when we’re up and often be up there for some time awake etc. It feels almost like resentment.

He’s working an increasing amount of overtime and seems to have no time for me anymore.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 01/04/2021 11:14

@Blackcat88

Waiting for DH to go to sleep and I’m going to snoop through his phone and get on that email and Instagram.

Weird turn of events too. Today he’s brought back flowers and Asked me to stay in bed with him this morning. It’s been over 4 months since

Does he think you're getting suspicious maybe?
Twinkie01 · 01/04/2021 11:15

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. I'm hoping that you can confront him and he will make the right choice, you and his children, over whoever it is he is seeing.

I confronted DH when he was having an emotional affair and the shock of what he was doing snapped him out of the blankness and cruelty he'd been displaying towards me and the children and he made the choice to stay.

I'm forever plagued by the hurt of him doing it at all, putting me and the children below his need for attention and flattery from another woman, treating us unfairly for a couple of months. I've not decided what to do but I feel the hurt of being without him at the moment is not as bad the hurt I would feel if he wasn't here.

You need to be very sure that you want to continue a relationship with him though. You also have every right to say you'll try to mend things if that's what he chooses but change your mind in future if you can't get over how he has behaved.

FortunesFave · 01/04/2021 11:16

Did you stay in bed with him? He's probably had a row with the other woman and is feeling doubts.

HazelBite · 01/04/2021 11:16

Op I am so sorry this is happening to you, do lean on your close family and friends. Flowers

Twinkie01 · 01/04/2021 11:16

The flowers are guilt presents, makes him feel less of an arsehole.

Itlod1982 · 01/04/2021 11:17

@Blackcat88 one quick warning....if you log on to his Instagram on a different device he may get a notification that someone has logged on via a different device and ask him to approve

MrsHastingslikethebattle · 01/04/2021 11:17

@FortunesFave

Did you stay in bed with him? He's probably had a row with the other woman and is feeling doubts.
I was just going to post this.

The other woman might have come to the realisation that getting involved with a cheating scumbag with 2 kids, a divorce and an ex wife wrapped round his arse, might not be the best idea.

How he has been so brazen about it and even potentially had her round your house, is a show of utter disrespect I could never forgive.

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/04/2021 11:18

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this, I've been there myself. They try to hide things but do such a bad job of it. My ex used my name and the year we married as his password. Took me two seconds to guess that ow's name and the year they started their affair was his new one 🙄. It's so fucking vile and disrespectful.

My advice to you is to keep calm, make sure you have access to money, find as much financial info as you can. Tell him he's leaving and get yourself a solicitor for initial advice. I managed all the finances in court by self repping. Don't do the "pick me" dance. Be hard and cool and grey rock until he's out and then let yourself grieve. It's a difficult road but I can say our lives are now much better without him and without the worry of who he's shagging this week.

Wishing you lots of love and luck Thanks

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 01/04/2021 11:41

[quote Itlod1982]@Blackcat88 one quick warning....if you log on to his Instagram on a different device he may get a notification that someone has logged on via a different device and ask him to approve [/quote]
I am resetting his password via the email. He has a phone code linked. If I have his phone whilst he’s asleep I can get on it

OP posts:
rainbowruthie · 01/04/2021 11:41

Sending kind thoughts and positive vibes to you Flowers

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 01/04/2021 11:43

He makes it impossible to access his phone, keeps it under him/his pillow whilst he sleeps

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 01/04/2021 11:46

How are you going to access it then? If it's under his pillow?

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 01/04/2021 11:46

And no I didn’t stay in bed. He was clearly instigating sex (Which he very rarely does anymore too).

I’m thinking it’s to see where I stand. Hopefully he goes to sleep soon

OP posts:
Itlod1982 · 01/04/2021 11:46

@Blackcat88 perfect! I was just worried he'd realise you were looking before you got a chance to get a proper look. I'm holding my breath for you! Thanks

WallaceinAnderland · 01/04/2021 11:47

If you know the email and password, do you actually need his phone to access it?

How did you find out the email address OP?

PeskyPurdy · 01/04/2021 11:47

Hoping for your sake that this is some big honest mistake! But it doesn't sound like it :(

Good luck

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 01/04/2021 11:47

@FortunesFave

How are you going to access it then? If it's under his pillow?
push him out of the bed

I’ll probably wait until he’s in a very deep sleep as he’s been working all night and try my best to get it!

OP posts:
averythinline · 01/04/2021 11:53

I would expect he's planning to buy somewhere with OW which is why he can afford it...now.
You do not have to stay somewhere you can't afford...just because the dc are settled as he will only pay cms amount...
He's just trying to keep you sweet till November /notice period to save cash ...or may even just provoke you enough to flounce out
You do need to think about your life as a single parent and probably uping your work...

Just because he works a lot is no reason for him to duck responsibility you need to stop thinking about his needs /life and focus on your own..

I expect his mum knows he's going to dump you once he's sorted money out ...she may not know about OW ..or maybe doesn't care..

Its hard but you may need to take the initiative....as he's obviously been planning ☹

AleynEivlys · 01/04/2021 11:57

I'm so nervous for you @Blackcat88. I remember the feeling of just knowing something is going on so well, and it's horrible. I hope it's nothing, but I agree it's all very suspicious.

PussGirl · 01/04/2021 12:02

Blimey! Hope you get the info you need to prove it

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/04/2021 12:06

It's very likely that he's told his mum all sorts of lies about you and your life together, as a preliminary to you splitting up, so she sides entirely with him.
There isn't much point in trying to set her straight, if, as you say, she is a "my son can do no wrong" sort of woman.

However, she'll probably want to have some sort of visitations with her grandkids, so she'd be cutting off her nose to spite her face by alienating you. Up to you how far you're willing to go to reconcile with her when the split happens, but acknowledge that she is being lied to, so it's to entirely her fault. (This happened to me too).

You don't, however, have to facilitate her seeing the grandkids - that will become his role, when he has them (assuming he does). You don't even have to have any contact with her at all if you choose not to. Not your mum, not your problem.

I'm sorry he gave you a little flare of hope, only to drown it instantly in ice cold water again - but at least that tells you how little he cares. Him trying to have sex with you is probably because he feels you pulling away and is trying to "keep you sweet" until he's ready to fuck off with his OW - so try to remain as neutral as possible so as not to give away too much too soon.

Although in all honesty, once you find out what you're going to find out, it will take a lot of strength to keep that quiet!

Ninibest · 01/04/2021 12:27

Hope he will realise that he is doing a big mistake, in case he is cheating on you. He will be the one who is going to lose. You need to find the truth

Sicario · 01/04/2021 12:45

[quote fearfulexchange]@dodiebantock
Here here! 100% agree. I am the same with my sons.
Men are only as good at the women who raise them. [/quote]
I think we need to stop with the notion that shitty male behaviour is the fault of the mother who raised them. I know some great mum's whose sons turned into fully-fledged beacons of male entitlement.

However the mother-and-son dynamic is a whole different conversation.

Houseofvelour · 01/04/2021 12:46

Good luck getting his phone today. Screenshot everything for evidence

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 01/04/2021 13:18

He’s trying to stay awake for ages today it seems! He knows that once he’s in a deep sleep he won’t know a thing

OP posts:
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