Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Resenting dating my old teacher

89 replies

confusedasusual5 · 30/03/2021 16:41

I’ll keep it brief.

I met my partner at a bar when I was 18 and in my first year of uni. He was 24 at the time. He also happened to teach me from the age of 16-18.

I love him very much but I don’t know how long I can cope with the constant feeling of guilt and dread when I tell people how we met. It was fine in uni but once I moved back to London we moved in together and people no longer saw it as ‘oh that’s the girl who pulled her ex teacher, how funny!’ and began to see it as unsettling. We’re both consenting adults but sometimes I feel like a naughty child who’s about to get in trouble. It’s quite trapping.

Then there’s the issue of my partner feeling resentful towards me as I work in the city. Whilst on one hand he’s really proud of me, he also feels frustrated that he taught me and I’ve somehow ‘outdone’ him. He still works at the school he worked in all those years ago and he is a brilliant teacher who has progressed massively but he feels inadequate as we both went to similar RG unis and yet he is still where he was years ago. It is really tiring to constantly worry that he’ll be moody if we’re closing a deal and I have to work late and won’t be home until midnight as he’ll say he never sees me and worry about me.

I also have a fear that I’ll look back in 40 years and regret not saying fuck it, going travelling and being open to meeting people who haven’t known me since I was 16.

Essentially, he’s lovely and I care about him very much but I’m not sure how much longer I can do this for and I need someone to tell me if I’m being stupid for thinking about throwing away a steady life with a lovely man.

OP posts:

Thatwentbadly · 30/03/2021 16:43

let them you meet in a bar
have you talked to him about this. IMO If he actually resent ms you then you can’t have a good relationship

Original poster

confusedasusual5 · 30/03/2021 16:45

@Thatwentbadly I do tell people we met in a bar but it always comes out eventually when we get talking and if it doesn’t, they usually find out as I’m friends with lots of people who work with/know people I knew from school so it’s all quite messy. I don’t think it helps that we live in London which is where I went to school and all our friends live.

OP posts:

SPLUGSYMALONE · 30/03/2021 16:46

How old are you now?

Do you want to marry &/or have children with someone who resents you and is jealous of your achievements?

Do you think that's a healthy environment for you?

FlatEarthling · 30/03/2021 16:47

How old are you now? And how long have you been together?

From the little bit you have said it doesn't sound like a true love/ soul mate relationship.

Magnificentmug12 · 30/03/2021 16:49

How old are you?

I don’t think it matters he used to teach you, it’s probably just in your head because if the news lately, this is complicated different.

I wouldn’t just throw away a steady relationship, but I wouldn’t not travel either if I wanted too. Why can’t you do both? Have a 6 month tour then come home to your partner? Wouldn’t he want you to travel? Not that it’s his choice.

Maskedrevenger · 30/03/2021 16:50

Why would you even mention he was your teacher if you feel awkward about it? Just say you met in a pub and got chatting.
It sounds like not enough time has elapsed since you were in a pupil teacher situation to make this workable. You don’t have to settle you know, sometimes you can meet a great man but just at the wrong time.

Moondust001 · 30/03/2021 16:52

I don't think anyone can put themselves in your shoes and tell you what to do.

But I can tell you one thing. Nobody gets to 40 without having something to regret, or a choice they'd have made differently. So whatever you decide is right for you, decide it for now and not for when you are 40. For all you know, if might be the decision to leave you make now. Or something entirely different you haven't yet done.

PicsInRed · 30/03/2021 16:52

Whilst on one hand he’s really proud of me, he also feels frustrated that he taught me and I’ve somehow ‘outdone’ him. He still works at the school he worked in all those years ago and he is a brilliant teacher who has progressed massively but he feels inadequate as we both went to similar RG unis and yet he is still where he was years ago.

Everything else aside, OP, the above is the issue.

A resentful man will never make a good life partner. I would recommend that you go with what your gut is telling you, step away from this, go and travel and grow with your peers.

I have a sense that years from now you will look differently on your relationship with this man than you do today, and will feel relief at having extracted yourself from it.

mocktail · 30/03/2021 16:52

Definitely travel, either with or without him! I think if you're having this many doubts, the writing's probably on the walk to be honest.

Original poster

confusedasusual5 · 30/03/2021 16:54

I’m 26 now. I didn’t explain it very well at all. I do love him deeply and I know he loves me too; it’s all very intense and I know feelings run deep on both sides. Sometimes I wonder if he cares for me in a quasi paternal sense as he obviously used to have a position of authority over me, which makes me uncertain sometimes and I worry he doesn’t actually love me for me, just feels that he can’t leave me because he cares too much.

I really thought he was my ‘soulmate’ when I first got with him and that’s why him and I fought so hard to make it work, against the wishes of our friends and family, not to mention my old school. I can’t allow myself to think that it was all for nothing.

OP posts:

CongealedCrags · 30/03/2021 16:56

It sounds like he is resentful and moody and you are feeling a little trapped. Sometimes once those seeds are sown, that's it. You change so much from 18 to 25, and the person who was right for you at 18 is not necessarily the person for you at 30. Especially if they are older and did all the stuff at that time and you haven't had the chance.

skipperjonce · 30/03/2021 16:59

A ‘fantastic teacher’, except when he’s grooming children! Sounds like a catch.

Original poster

confusedasusual5 · 30/03/2021 16:59

He is also very strong but shows his emotions, which I love as I find it easy to navigate and I’m not second guessing all the time. He has had a few of breakdowns over the years (most of which were in the early stages of the relationship but he had one last week too) where he confessed he felt like he’s doing something wrong and that he’s hurting me and isolating me from my friends (when we started dating, it was a few months after school ended and they were outraged- rumours I was with him in school for better predicted grades and other nonsense). He feels guilt and I suppose I do too. It’s really painful to begin to spot the cracks in our relationship because I care about him and love him so deeply.

OP posts:

Original poster

confusedasusual5 · 30/03/2021 17:01

@skipperjonce He didn’t groom anyone.

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 30/03/2021 17:04

It's not like there was a big age gap so I don't really understand the issue. It's an interesting story to tell rather than creepy or anything bad. Cooler than meeting on online dating like most ppl these days.

That being said, if you decide to walk away it doesn't mean it was 'all for nothing'. No relationship lasts for ever. The vast majority end and the ones that cast don't...well they mostly just happen to be the person we are still with when we die. Real life isn't disney, love comes and goes, feelings change. And that's ok.

You have no kids right? So nothing tying you to him. And you've surely had a great few years in good company considering you once thought he was your soul mate. Its nice. But it doesn't mean that if it's no longer right for you you have to stay.

It's all just company at the end of the day.

GoWalkabout · 30/03/2021 17:08

I think you need room to be you. I have a friend who married her teacher. Over the years she has confessed a few feelings of 'having to prove the doubters wrong' and when their daughters were teenagers she started thinking 'what the hell was he thinking'. But mostly it's been a happy marriage and she has been successful. But don't live your life to prove anything to anyone or because of the sunk costs fallacy. He needs to shape up and be a partner, not expect you to be his little wifey support act to facilitate him feeling brilliant.

DropDTuning · 30/03/2021 17:12

So he taught you until you were 18, and you got together as a couple when you were 18?

There is something not quite right there.

FluffyHippo · 30/03/2021 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

tuesday2am · 30/03/2021 17:22

@DropDTuning

So he taught you until you were 18, and you got together as a couple when you were 18?

There is something not quite right there.

OP has already explained they got together a few months after she finished school.

tuesday2am · 30/03/2021 17:26

I think you’re both putting too much emphasis on how you met, the fact he was your teacher. You love each other and have formed a life together and were both adults when you became partners. No one did anything wrong nor have anything to feel guilty about.

The other stuff needs to be worked out though; why should he resent you when he’s successful in his own right? Who cares if by society’s standards you are the more successful one - I think he needs to work on not comparing himself to you because he won’t get anywhere by doing that and could just hurt the relationship.

Wishing you both all the best.

VettiyaIruken · 30/03/2021 17:32

A lovely man is not resentful of your success.
He is proud of you.

Magnificentmug12 · 30/03/2021 17:32

I don’t understand your issue with the teacher thing, ypu was already left when you got together.

All for nothing? That’s a strange way to look at it, surly you had some fun and you met a nice guy, probably learned a few lessons too so not all for nothing.

You wanted to grow travelling so split up...end of story, not all for nothing!

RowanAlong · 30/03/2021 17:34

26 is no age - go travelling with or without him, and things will become clearer. It could be that this first, passionate relationship isn’t the one to last you through the next decade and beyond...

LegoPirateMonkey · 30/03/2021 17:38

Um, I used to be a teacher and there were clear rules against forming any kind of social relationships with students for five years after they left the school. We weren’t allowed to befriend them on social media even - not that I would have wanted to. A teacher forming a romantic relationship with a student the year that they left would not have been tolerated - that teacher wouldn’t have kept their job at either school I worked at. It’s a problem because of the position of trust and power. I don’t see how an equal relationship could come from it. It was certainly something covered in all the safeguarding training I had and I think that’s for a good reason.

SingingSands · 30/03/2021 17:41

Life isn't a race, you can be a couple and forge different paths. My DH and I met at uni - on the same course - he has done exceptionally well, risen high and loves his career. I bombed out in my 2nd year. I don't resent him at all. He doesn't resent me.

Perhaps some couples therapy might help you both. There's a lot of focus for you on "I think he feels XYZ" but has this ever actually been discussed or confirmed?

If you both love each other, and feel committed to each other, then giving yourselves a safe space for discussions is healthy. You could work through your feelings of guilt and come out stronger, with tools you can use in life against people or situations where you feel you have to explain yourself (and remember, you're an adult, you don't have to explain your past to anyone!)

Good luck OP

Flip

1 2 3 4