Resenting dating my old teacher

[confusedasusual5]

I’ll keep it brief.

I met my partner at a bar when I was 18 and in my first year of uni. He was 24 at the time. He also happened to teach me from the age of 16-18.

I love him very much but I don’t know how long I can cope with the constant feeling of guilt and dread when I tell people how we met. It was fine in uni but once I moved back to London we moved in together and people no longer saw it as ‘oh that’s the girl who pulled her ex teacher, how funny!’ and began to see it as unsettling. We’re both consenting adults but sometimes I feel like a naughty child who’s about to get in trouble. It’s quite trapping.

Then there’s the issue of my partner feeling resentful towards me as I work in the city. Whilst on one hand he’s really proud of me, he also feels frustrated that he taught me and I’ve somehow ‘outdone’ him. He still works at the school he worked in all those years ago and he is a brilliant teacher who has progressed massively but he feels inadequate as we both went to similar RG unis and yet he is still where he was years ago. It is really tiring to constantly worry that he’ll be moody if we’re closing a deal and I have to work late and won’t be home until midnight as he’ll say he never sees me and worry about me.

I also have a fear that I’ll look back in 40 years and regret not saying fuck it, going travelling and being open to meeting people who haven’t known me since I was 16.

Essentially, he’s lovely and I care about him very much but I’m not sure how much longer I can do this for and I need someone to tell me if I’m being stupid for thinking about throwing away a steady life with a lovely man.

You've outgrown him, he realizes. We have both been through a lot of shit to create and keep this relationship and it's lasted 8 years. However, it will end and I think you should end it now while you are both young enough to explore some more people. He was also inexperienced at 22.
The teacher thing isn't great but I think it's a side show to the fundamental problem.

It sounds like the student/teacher dynamic is very much at the heart of your relationship. He’s struggling with no longer being someone you look up to, an authority figure, the one who knows best.
It’s a relationship based on a power imbalance. It really doesn’t sound like he is ready to be in a relationship of equals.

There is such a huge difference between who you are at 18 and who you are at 26. Why not take a break, go travelling, spread your wings a little bit.

I think that once you both are genuinely ok about your relationship other people’s opinions would just bounce off. But it sounds like you’re having doubts anyway and all the negatives are coming to the fore to reinforce your doubts.
I would absolutely go travelling. It’ll help you get the perspective you need. Once you settle down and have kids if that’s something you want in the future, travelling is out the window.

I agree with others; the power balance has shifted. The dynamic of teacher/student and the fact that your age gap was more glaring in your teens, probably meant he was the "dominant", more worldly wise, successful one and you looked up to him.

Now you've matured, you're the higher earner and he resents that. You say he will be moody and grumpy if you have to work late, and he dresses that up as being worried if you're late? To me, that indicates he's not treating you as an equal adult? There's a whiff of insecure man needing control.

I think the issues lie with him It's his attitude and resentment souring your relationship. He has to allow the partnership to evolve and lose the insecurity and resentment.

I'm all for working at a relationship, communication is key. You clearly love him and respect his career so perhaps start there. Couples therapy might help if he's committed to getting back on track. You both need to move on from the initial teacher/student mindset. I think it's salvageable.

Good luck.

Sometimes I wonder if he cares for me in a quasi paternal sense as he obviously used to have a position of authority over me, which makes me uncertain sometimes and I worry he doesn’t actually love me for me, just feels that he can’t leave me because he cares too much.

I think this may be an issue for you both. The fact he used to be your teacher is making you question yourself and him.

Neither of you did anything wrong.

As for him not progressing, does he like being a teacher? Perhaps he feels he must do more because you are doing well, if he enjoys doing his job he needn't. My OH turned down promotions because it would take him away from doing what he loved, didn't bother him I ended up earning more. You need to have a word with your OH about your insecurities (both of you).

Isn't the President of France married to his former (and much older) teacher? I'd use that to deflect if you end up having to talk about it. I don't get asked where we met very often these days, it will become less relevant once your friendship group are all settled down.

@FluffyHippo not sure about teachers but it's absolutely a rule for psychologists. Ideally, no romantic/sexual relationships with former clients. If they happen, at least 2 years must have elapsed since any professional interactions. Psychologists can be de registered for violating this.
It's not a stupid rule, it's there because there's so much risk of abuse of power.

It's unhealthy that he is jealous of your success and that you feel there's a bit of a paternalistic power dynamic.

You're also very conscious of what you've missed out on by settling down with him quite young.

I think if you were properly happy and confident in your choices, other people's raised eyebrows wouldn't bother you as much as it does.

But I think deep down you agree they have a point.

Um, I used to be a teacher and there were clear rules against forming any kind of social relationships with students for five years after they left the school. We weren’t allowed to befriend them on social media even - not that I would have wanted to. A teacher forming a romantic relationship with a student the year that they left would not have been tolerated - that teacher wouldn’t have kept their job at either school I worked at. It’s a problem because of the position of trust and power. I don’t see how an equal relationship could come from it. It was certainly something covered in all the safeguarding training I had and I think that’s for a good reason

He was still in a position of power in terms of if you needed a reference at 18 and would contact the school, he was a person who taught you who could provide a reference and could be asked to provide one.

I have an 18 year old son in year 13 I would be appalled if he started dating a teacher who had taught him for the last 2 years. Gross abuse of position.

Yes an 18 year old dating a 24 year old is fine, not when that 24 year old has been a teacher of that person from 16-18. Too impressionable and holds a position of authority. It definitely is in some school contracts about length of time after a student has left. This isn't the first time this has been mentioned on MN.

Yes to googling sunken cost, you have outgrown this relationship.

Not the same thing - and I hope the thread isnt derailed my people telling me how terrible I am - but my partner and I were both with other people when we met and understandably, there was a lot of hurt and people taking a view on it it, etc. Despite this, and despite the cost to both ourselves and others of how we started, I have always been clear in my own head and with him that this relationship has to work as a relationship on its own terms. We are not bound together forever to 'prove' something to ourselves or others about the rightness of what we have done. That would be foolish.

OP regardless of him having been your teacher, the resentment is the bigger issue.

I was in a job that was paid the same as my (then) OH's job, but mine had potential for pay rises, development over time etc. My job also needed me to go away with work at times.

My ex really resented me going away for work, being paid the same for "doing less work" (he was in skilled manual work. I was on a graduate scientist scheme). The resentment just grew and it caused our relationship to end.

Don't let his resentment stop you doing want you want/love (work or travel).

I should imagine what you want now is just different to what you wanted at 18. It's difficult to finish an otherwise fine relationship, but if you don't change things, this could limp along for a few more years and then end up finishing anyway. Better to end it now if, deep down, you know it's not working anymore.

I think the teacher thing is a red herring, other than you missed out on young adult fun by settling down too soon.

I think when you reach 26-27 you go through a massive change in outlook. I left my boyfriend when I was 26, we were in a relationship since I was 21. What didn´t matter when I was a student, did when I went out into the world to work. I had outgrown him. I see this now. He was three years older than me. He was left behind.

“It's unhealthy that he is jealous of your success and that you feel there's a bit of a paternalistic power dynamic.

You're also very conscious of what you've missed out on by settling down with him quite young.

I think if you were properly happy and confident in your choices, other people's raised eyebrows wouldn't bother you as much as it does.

But I think deep down you agree they have a point.”

This. 18 is very young to settle down and it’s beginning to bother you. You will regret not seizing this opportunity to travel.