Resenting dating my old teacher

[confusedasusual5]

I’ll keep it brief.

I met my partner at a bar when I was 18 and in my first year of uni. He was 24 at the time. He also happened to teach me from the age of 16-18.

I love him very much but I don’t know how long I can cope with the constant feeling of guilt and dread when I tell people how we met. It was fine in uni but once I moved back to London we moved in together and people no longer saw it as ‘oh that’s the girl who pulled her ex teacher, how funny!’ and began to see it as unsettling. We’re both consenting adults but sometimes I feel like a naughty child who’s about to get in trouble. It’s quite trapping.

Then there’s the issue of my partner feeling resentful towards me as I work in the city. Whilst on one hand he’s really proud of me, he also feels frustrated that he taught me and I’ve somehow ‘outdone’ him. He still works at the school he worked in all those years ago and he is a brilliant teacher who has progressed massively but he feels inadequate as we both went to similar RG unis and yet he is still where he was years ago. It is really tiring to constantly worry that he’ll be moody if we’re closing a deal and I have to work late and won’t be home until midnight as he’ll say he never sees me and worry about me.

I also have a fear that I’ll look back in 40 years and regret not saying fuck it, going travelling and being open to meeting people who haven’t known me since I was 16.

Essentially, he’s lovely and I care about him very much but I’m not sure how much longer I can do this for and I need someone to tell me if I’m being stupid for thinking about throwing away a steady life with a lovely man.

How different would things be if it hadn't been HIM, Mr X who taught you A level whatevs, who you met in the bar, but one of his teacher mates, "Josh" who did his PGCE with Mr X and ended up teaching in a neighbouring sixth form?

There would still be the age gap (it's not a YIKES! gap, true, but now you're mid twenties yourself you probably appreciate the gulf in experience & outlook between your cohort and 18 year old uni Freshers). There would still be the "teacher Vs city worker" thing. There would still be the "relationship started at 18 and a lot's changed since" thing.

Keep an open mind but

• Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy
• don't think you have to stay together for any reason other than you feel what you have NOW is the right relationship for you
• bear in mind that now is the prime time to shop for a long term partner. Do you have a trusted, sensible, kind and discreet older friend or relation who knows him well and you can talk to? Get another view of his character? You need to decide whether he's the future grandfather of your future grandchildren...

He's 30ish? now, so if he wants to change career (HR? Good old law or accountancy??) or put the burners under his teaching career, he needs to get his skates on.
How would things be at home if both of you were working long hours in that situation?

One last way of looking at it - if you were someone else teleported into your life & relationship now, what would you think was working and what would you assess as needing a change?

Most people I know, myself included, are not still with the person they started a relationship with at 18, relationships at that age are not necessarily meant to last. You haven’t signed up to a lifetime commitment just trying to proof the doubters wrong. As the saying goes you are only young once, get out there travel do whatever you want while you don’t have children or other responsibilities.

You haven't done anything wrong by dating someone who used to teach you, once you were grown up. You are not the only one either. However, I see Lego has said teachers should not be in contact with pupils for five years after they have left the school; I must admit I didn't know that. Anyway you are well past the five years now so don't worry about that.

I am more concerned about him feeling you have overtaken him job-wise. There must be few partnerships in which parties are equal. The important thing is to be happy and fulfilled in your work.

Maybe your relationship has just run its course. You are both still young enough to make a new start but only you can work out what you really want.

@LegoPirateMonkey

Um, I used to be a teacher and there were clear rules against forming any kind of social relationships with students for five years after they left the school. We weren’t allowed to befriend them on social media even - not that I would have wanted to. A teacher forming a romantic relationship with a student the year that they left would not have been tolerated - that teacher wouldn’t have kept their job at either school I worked at. It’s a problem because of the position of trust and power. I don’t see how an equal relationship could come from it. It was certainly something covered in all the safeguarding training I had and I think that’s for a good reason.

I'm still a teacher and I've never encountered a five-year-rule like this.

It has no basis in law and doesn't appear anywhere in our Professional Standards - relationships whilst at school or college, where you have a duty of care, are obviously a big no-no, but there's nothing written down about afterwards.

I can't think of any other profession which would instigate and tolerate such a stupid rule. All it does is imply, yet again, that those of us in the teaching profession can't be trusted - as you're implying here in relation to the OP and her partner.

I’d say the age gap is an issue here more than the fact he used to teach you. You don’t have to tell anyone he used to teach you, I think it’s a bit weird you do when you’re so uncomfortable with people knowing. You just sound like you’re at different stages in life really and want different things.

Go travelling. His resentment is likely to increase and in time so will yours. 18 is so young to settle down. The issues and doubts you describe are every reason to move on. If you both miss each other you can meet again after your travels.

A six year age gap isn't huge though. There's more to it than that obviously.

It's certainly not as bad as a pupil/teacher relationship from my days at school.
I was 18 in 6th Form. A male teacher was 25 at the time. He made a comment about a year 7 girl being fit like Pamela Anderson which we thought weird. They got married when she was 18 and have children. He's not teaching anymore - not sure if that's because of this or not, but I find that horrendous. Her family accepted it and embraced him into their family

1. just say you met in a bar, no need for anything else.
2. that doesn't sound good - honest if that was me I'd dump and move on. If you work in the city you'll have to put the hours in (as do I) and I couldn't be arsed to explain myself every time.

Do you still live in the area where you grew up? Maybe move away and start afresh? Then the association with your old school will be reduced.

You mention guilt. What do you feel guilty of. Maybe understanding this will help you move past this feeling.

Alternatively, are you able to take the summer holidays off, and go travelling for a month?

You almost sound like you have been in a committed relationship forever, and now want to try something new.

You don’t need an excuse to split up with someone. If it’s not working, it’s not working.

Sidestepping the teacher ethics stuff, it's never going to work if he's jealous of you and you feel like you're missing out.

Can you afford to both take a career break and go travelling if that's what you want or take 6 months odd during term time to go alone?

Tell people you met in a bar. If it eventually comes around to him being your teacher then you need to deflect or grow thicker skin. If he feels guilty for taking advantage and you feel that he Ultimately stole your chance to grow and sign, you shouldn't be together

You're definitely overthinking how you met. I'm in an age gap relationship so sort of understand why you think others would have an issue with your relationship but if they do, they don't need to spend time with you. Worry more about your relationship now rather than others' opinions, how you met and what your image is.

You don't have to tell anyone when you met but it is so obvious this is not the love of your life / forever relationship so why stay any longer ?

It doesn't matter that he used to teach you. You're close in age and you didn't get together until after you were taught by him. Literally don't worry about what people think about that.

However I don't think that's the problem. It's really shitty of him to be resentful of your success. You don't sound happy. You should 100% move on, travel etc... you don't need a reason! You can acknowledge that someone was a nice part of your life that you have brilliant memories of, but that doesn't necessarily mean it has to be forever if you've out grown the relationship.

A previous poster mentioned the sunk cost fallacy and I absolutely agree. Your relationship seems to have been based on, for a while at least, the fact that you fought to be together. Now you don't have to fight to be together it 'has to' work to stick to the narrative that it was all worth it.

It was worth it at the time and for any part of the relationship that made you happy. But that doesn't mean you have to always be happy in the relationship and it sounds to me like a lot of the appeal has now worn off and you've outgrown him.

The fact that he resents your progression is a dealbreaker, couples build each other up and they don't make each other feel guilty. This will only get worse, you'll be supporting his 'breakdowns' every time you have something to feel good about. And every time he'll apologise and say the right words.

I had a similar situation with a boyfriend who I met when we were both 14. At 25 I'd worked hard and he hadn't, he didn't have much to show for it. His behaviour was much the same as your DP, apologies and pity. I missed out on so much, he didn't want to stop me from travelling, but... and he didn't want to make it difficult for me to take the promotions, but...

Please do what you need to do to be happy, don't base your life on what he wants as much as you think you want to be with him. If he actually cares about you he'll still be there when you get back.

But you sound as if you're kidding yourself you didn't 'meet in a bar when you were 18' you already knew him because he used to teach you, and for two years at that.
It doesn't seem as if you can get past the fact that he is a former teacher of yours . Perhaps that's even playing on both your minds.

Can it be that he already fancied you back when you were at school and he still feels guilt about that? And it's 'polluting' your relationship?
Even if nothing happened between you then, the early dynamics of how you met seem to cast a shadow over this relationship. You need to have an honest conversation together about whether or not you can finally outgrow this. If you can't, it'll grow toxic.

Maskedrevenger

Most people I know, myself included, are not still with the person they started a relationship with at 18, relationships at that age are not necessarily meant to last. You haven’t signed up to a lifetime commitment just trying to proof the doubters wrong.

^THIS ^
OP - you do a huge amount of growing from 18 to 26 and you change and broaden your outlook. It obviously wasn't a casual fling for either of you. It is more common than not that we discover things about ourselves and relationships in our teens and early twenties but it's far harder to take the same relationship with us. As for regrets - well we never can know until the end how is going to work out - we have to make the best choices we can from what we do know.
You are both young enough to move on if you choose. It sounds as though you feel you haven't finished living your life yet and want to explore- and that's OK.

Just realised I basically repeated tartyflette 's point!

The timings are weird though. You didn't meet in a bar at 28, you met in a classroom at 16. Very different. He was teaching you from 22?

The fact the way you met still weighs heavily on you needs examining, in my view. It doesn't matter a jot what others think, and you certainly don't need to tell anyone who doesn't already know, but it clearly bothers you. And in your title you call him your 'old teacher' when he has not been your teacher for a lot longer than he was. .

So despite the other niggles you have, I feel you need to decide why this bothers you. Do you feel like he has taken your youth? Or that the power differential that existed when you got together means you felt in some way pressurised or persuaded into something you wish you hadn't been?

18 is very young to meet your life partner. Some people do and it works out happily, but most do not. Very different from being mid 20s when a mich large number of people do.

IMO its perfectly natural and healthy to 'play the field' and you haven't had that chance. Also you mature a lot from late teens to mid 20s so you change and have the chance to get to know yourself.

Maybe a break would be good if you don't want to actually leave him. A chance to maybe travel, reflect, try a new hobby, date other people or make new friends? Your twenties are the time when all this is easy. It gets harder as you get older.

@Songsofexperience

Can it be that he already fancied you back when you were at school and he still feels guilt about that? And it's 'polluting' your relationship? Even if nothing happened between you then, the early dynamics of how you met seem to cast a shadow over this relationship. You need to have an honest conversation together about whether or not you can finally outgrow this. If you can't, it'll grow toxic.

The fact is they did nothing wrong and I think that needs to be emphasised. I daresay teachers do find some pupils attractive occasionally but if they don't act on it or show it, it's harmless.

It sounds as though they met up again in a bar so it wasn't a contrived meeting.

Yes, an honest conversation is necessary, then they can work out where to go from there.

I don't think there is any point getting hung up - eight years later- on how they met. Their relationship has already lasted longer than a lot of marriages - and I think OP might be feeling like this regardless of the back story.

It seems the relationship is filled with resentment OP, you resent having to defend how you got together to other people and he is resentful of your professional success. Does he make things difficult at home if you have to work late, are your successes celebrated or does he acknowledge how hard you work? Or does he want someone who will be waiting at home for him to finish work for the day and cheerlead him in everything? The length of a relationship is no indication of how successful or happy it is, don't stay just to say it "worked".

You met him when you were 16 and he was 22. He taught you for 2 years and then you started dating when you 18 and he was 24.

I think he probably has a complex about this as he seems to be the one most affected. You're obviously uncomfortable with it too. Perhaps it's time to call it off.