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Original poster

Resenting dating my old teacher

89 replies

confusedasusual5 · 30/03/2021 16:41

I’ll keep it brief.

I met my partner at a bar when I was 18 and in my first year of uni. He was 24 at the time. He also happened to teach me from the age of 16-18.

I love him very much but I don’t know how long I can cope with the constant feeling of guilt and dread when I tell people how we met. It was fine in uni but once I moved back to London we moved in together and people no longer saw it as ‘oh that’s the girl who pulled her ex teacher, how funny!’ and began to see it as unsettling. We’re both consenting adults but sometimes I feel like a naughty child who’s about to get in trouble. It’s quite trapping.

Then there’s the issue of my partner feeling resentful towards me as I work in the city. Whilst on one hand he’s really proud of me, he also feels frustrated that he taught me and I’ve somehow ‘outdone’ him. He still works at the school he worked in all those years ago and he is a brilliant teacher who has progressed massively but he feels inadequate as we both went to similar RG unis and yet he is still where he was years ago. It is really tiring to constantly worry that he’ll be moody if we’re closing a deal and I have to work late and won’t be home until midnight as he’ll say he never sees me and worry about me.

I also have a fear that I’ll look back in 40 years and regret not saying fuck it, going travelling and being open to meeting people who haven’t known me since I was 16.

Essentially, he’s lovely and I care about him very much but I’m not sure how much longer I can do this for and I need someone to tell me if I’m being stupid for thinking about throwing away a steady life with a lovely man.

OP posts:
Robin233 · 30/03/2021 19:20

16 is the legal age. Op was 18 and he was 24 and no longer her teacher.
It a 6 year gap.
Neither of you has done anything
Wrong.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 30/03/2021 19:20

You didn’t meet in a bar though—you present it as reuniting with someone years later when it’s actually he was your teacher, that ended and you met up in a bar. Whether there was overlap is between the two of you.

But I think all of that is not really relevant, to the fact that he clearly doesn’t make you happy and he clearly holds you back. The guy you’re attracted to at 18 is rarely the guy you want to settle down with, even more so if he has not really grown since.

Makingnumber2 · 30/03/2021 19:22

Fully agree with you @LegoPirateMonkey- it’s an abuse of power and position and as a teacher it doesn’t sit well with me at all. Sorry OP- I find it creepy AF that he wanted to date you as his 18yo ex student. Based on your concerns now about him being resentful of your success do you think the initial attraction for him was that you were a young, naive 18yo fresh from school and he was the older wiser authority’s figure? I can imagine if that’s the dynamic he liked that you growing into a successful woman - perhaps more successful than him- has dented his ego and killed the attraction somewhat. Best of luck whatever you decide.

wingsnthat · 30/03/2021 19:24

Not going to lie, I think the age difference is a bit weird. I’m 23 and wouldn’t date someone 6 years older or younger than me, so it’s weird an 18 year old did. It’s even weirder that a 24 year old went for someone so much younger, it’s not like people his own age aren’t attractive

wingsnthat · 30/03/2021 19:25

Maybe there’s a reason women his age aren’t/weren’t attracted to him…

wingsnthat · 30/03/2021 19:26

It’s also telling that he’s insecure that you’ve done “better” than him, it plays into the idea he went for a younger girlfriend so that he could control her easier/be more successful than her

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 30/03/2021 19:29

I think @wingsnthat has nailed it

WisnaeMe · 30/03/2021 19:32

So he taught you until you were 18, and you got together as a couple when you were 18?

There is something not quite right there.

I agree... even with the "it was a few months later" explanation. A few months say 5 months later that's 20 weeks. He still knew you as his Pupil. Shady as fuck.

8 years later you sound unhappy so leave 🌸

Lucent · 30/03/2021 19:33

I fought so hard to make it work, against the wishes of our friends and family, not to mention my old school. I can’t allow myself to think that it was all for nothing.

Google 'sunk cost fallacy', OP -- essentially when you continue a behaviour because of previously investing so much, time, effort or money in it, even once it no longer makes you happy. You fought so hard for this that it's difficult to admit to yourself that this relationship isn't fulfilling you, and has probably actually stunted your growth for the last eight years.

And it's pretty clear that you are only pretending to yourself that the difficulties in your relationship are caused by him being your former teacher, when really they're caused by his low self-esteem and resentment of your success. The 'naughty girl' feeling isn't because you got together with your teacher, it's because he's making you feel like that if you stay late at work to close a deal.

Honestly, ask yourself whether, if this was someone you had been dating a year or two, and not your former teacher whom you fought so hard for, and he was this resentful and moody when you're being a success at work -- wouldn't you call time on the relationship?

Lucent · 30/03/2021 19:34

And ask yourself, would he be pleased if you were passed over for promotion? If you made a huge work mistake and cost a lot of money? If you were fired?

Ohpulltheotherone · 30/03/2021 19:50

Honestly it kind of sounds like you’ve outgrown this relationship. Not because he’s not a good person or because you don’t love him or anything like that - just that you’ve grown up and you’re starting to ask “who am I” - that is totally normal and totally understandable.

There are some people who are childhood / teenage sweethearts and it works (I know a few of them) and it’s truly a beautiful thing. But the majority of us grow and change and need different things and different people / relationships.

It honestly sounds like you need a bit of space and opportunity to see what else is out there - not even new men or relationship but exactly what you’ve said - new travel / career / friends / lifestyles.

It’s really hard and very sad to leave a relationship when you love someone but, I’ll be blunt here - there are many many MANY men you could love.
But you only have 10 years of your 20s.

CookieDoughKid · 30/03/2021 19:53

I think you've outgrown him and you need a reason to break out and do your own thing like travelling. You need more excitement and a change of scenery.

BehindMyEyes · 30/03/2021 19:57

@confusedasusual5

I’m 26 now. I didn’t explain it very well at all. I do love him deeply and I know he loves me too; it’s all very intense and I know feelings run deep on both sides. Sometimes I wonder if he cares for me in a quasi paternal sense as he obviously used to have a position of authority over me, which makes me uncertain sometimes and I worry he doesn’t actually love me for me, just feels that he can’t leave me because he cares too much.

I really thought he was my ‘soulmate’ when I first got with him and that’s why him and I fought so hard to make it work, against the wishes of our friends and family, not to mention my old school. I can’t allow myself to think that it was all for nothing.

This is sunk cost fallacy OP . Many people have relationships during their Uni years then they split up as they outgrow each other . Yours is from school ! Time to spread your wings!
danceswithdustbins · 30/03/2021 19:59

wonder how many people would be as accepting if their 18 year old daughter started dating their teacher even if it was a few months after you left school. It's hideous and would not be tolerated in any school I've worked in. We have strict rules about not befriending students, even ex ones. Why would we want to? The power dynamic would be all off forever

Frogsonglue · 30/03/2021 20:03

It sounds the me as if you're very attached to your "story" and this is holding you back - your relationship is is many ways defined by how you met; you don't want it to all have been for nothing etc. It sounds like you were good together for a while but you're on different paths now, and that's it - no great star-crossed love story that you can't escape from. He's not your destiny or your soulmate, he's just someone you started a relationship with when you were very young and you may now have outgrown. Don't let the story you tell yourself about your life trap you in a narrative that's making you both miserable.

Sakurami · 30/03/2021 20:14

For a start, neither of you did anything wrong. You got together after you had finished school and were an adult and it's a small age difference.

But also, relationships don't have to last your whole life, and you don't have to prove anything to anyone. You've been together 8 years so you've proven something if that is important to you.

But if you're not happy and want to break it off then it is absolutely fine too. I don't like the way that he is resentful and jealous of your success.

You're young, without responsibilities - embrace and enjoy life and don't let a man or what anyone else thinks clip your wings.

MargosKaftan · 30/03/2021 20:35

Op - don't think that relationship was all for "nothing" - its been a big part of who you are. You can move on because this relationship no longer suits you, but that doesn't mean the last 8 years are wasted, the relationship was part of moving you to the position you are now in.

You've out grown him. But the relationship was part of you growing to be the woman you are.

(It also doesn't sound like the person you are now is someone he would have chosen to date. Its not working for either of you anymore.)

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 30/03/2021 21:56

Being 26 you have different priorities than at 18 (even the worst manchild probably does). So if the relationship has run its course, painful as it is, perhaps better to end it now than continue and end up being bitter and resentful.

I can only think of one person who has dated their teacher and it lasted, and I assume you have no wish to become President of France.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 30/03/2021 22:14

School girls fancying their teachers is a normal part of growing up, but a teacher fancying a pupil, even an older pupil, is inappropriate. I know of 3 teachers irl in relationships like yours, and the teachers are all a bit,,,,weird and creepy

Dery · 30/03/2021 23:29

“It sounds the me as if you're very attached to your "story" and this is holding you back - your relationship is is many ways defined by how you met; you don't want it to all have been for nothing etc. It sounds like you were good together for a while but you're on different paths now, and that's it - no great star-crossed love story that you can't escape from. He's not your destiny or your soulmate, he's just someone you started a relationship with when you were very young and you may now have outgrown. Don't let the story you tell yourself about your life trap you in a narrative that's making you both miserable.”

This. First love is a very powerful experience. In a successful, serious first love, most people will have thought at one point or other that this was it - that they had found the one - that there could never be anyone else. But despite that, most people move on and are right to do so. There are many right partners for everyone in life.

18 is very young to settle down for life. Your 20s are precisely the decade when you can be off travelling the world and having all the experiences which a footloose and fancy-free adult with no dependents can access. That’s one of the things you’re missing. If you stay in this relationship to prove a point, then the people you harm are yourself and your partner. No-one else will be hurt either way.

It sounds like you may have outgrown this relationship and may be hanging on to it for the wrong reasons.

PRsecrets · 31/03/2021 03:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LunaNorth · 31/03/2021 04:00

I’m a teacher. A school I worked at said seven years before any social relationships could happen. It’s definitely a thing.

starrynight21 · 31/03/2021 04:40

My situation is similar - I was 17 and he was 28, it was my first job and he was the staff training officer, ie he was my teacher. We subsequently married and are totally happy. We avoid any remarks by just telling people we met at work.

You're both dwelling on things which for many people would be a non-issue. You need to address them and either move past them or separate.

MrsBobDylan · 31/03/2021 08:20

You big issue here is that he resents you earning more than him.

That will not work. He is not the one.

something2say · 31/03/2021 08:34

I think the power imbalance borne of the teacher/student dynamic is changing as you come into yourself, and you're out growing him.

I'd leave. I did leave, at 28; my partner, the house we'd just bought, and I went backpacking.

Once the decision was made and communicated, it was fabulous from start to finish. We are still friends.

We must learn not to throw our lot in with men who want us to remain small. And also, this teacher guy may find that when you leave to broaden your horizons, he does the same. Meanwhile he's presenting himself as the superior party when in fact he's stultifying all round....